Capitulation
i.
Sometimes, you can't tell the difference between fact and fiction. You've experienced so much--most of it extraordinary--that you aren't sure where the boundaries are anymore.
And so, without actually meaning to, you cross them.
-
It takes only one--careless, stupid--act of cowardice to bring about your demise. It was pretty simple too, nothing life-threatening or dangerous as you'd like to think.
You cared too much and got too attached.
When you weren't supposed to. Ever.
What ever happened to your life of solitude and peace? Where there was no academy, no missions, no damn fan girls? Attachment had clearly no part in your plan for life. You had no more room for it, and you were glad. It would bring you nothing but sorrow anyway.
ii.
You had your life all planned out in separate, individual parts. Everything specified and listed down to the last detail. It was all so... so perfect.
And then she came and ruined it all.
She was everything you were not: careless while you were meticulous; warm and cheerful while you hid behind your cold mask of isolation; spontaneous and full of life while you dreaded every single day that passed.
You were so different and incompatible that even if you had a chance with her, someone else would take it away without a second thought. And you wouldn't have minded because you never took the time to know her, to see what she was like, before immediately disregarding any little hope that you could have been something great, if something at all.
But you've always been like that, you know, and there's no need to change just because of her.
iii.
It took you some time to realize, but you began to inconspicuously notice her. You don't do this with any particular intention, but rather unconsciously, like a part of your mind hidden in the crevices of your brain sees her and observes, and for God's sake takes down notes.
You watch her and start to notice the little things. Like how she bites her fingernails when she gets nervous, when she stares out the window and you know she wishes to join the birds and fly away, when she bounces in her seat when she's excited, how she craves for howalons during study sessions, how she can't sleep before assuring herself her closet door is closed (you'll never say how you learned that).
And you know she definitely, definitely deserves someone better than you.
iv.
It's during one of your most dangerous missions when you learn just how exactly you differed from her. Persona--that bastard--has just assigned you a solo mission to retrieve important data from the enemy's possession. You know you can handle this though, and you go on the mission anyway.
It turns out you didn't handle it, not without barely escaping with your life, bleeding and half-dead.
In all irony, she then appears at your most dire time of need. You ask her why she is up so late. She doesn't answer, her eyes glued to your form. Her eyes well up with tears (you are alarmingly surprised because you've never had that ability to put up with crying women) and yells at you.
She yells about how you are so damn stubborn, how you push everyone away, how you disregard the fact that they care, that she cares, and that you don't need to do everything alone.
And then she reaches out for you, with pale, slender, shaking fingers, to touch your bloody face...
You slap her arm away. Her wide, doe-like eyes stare at you, a beacon of light in the darkness.
You realize you don't want her to touch you. You don't want her pure, innocent self to touch someone like you--someone who is already tainted.
v.
You know you are going to die. It is inevitable for human beings, but for you, death is a little bit closer.
You never tell anyone about this though. Only Ruka, and even he doesn't really know exactly what you're going through. Or how the feeling of knowing you might die any day feels like. How you wake up in the morning feeling relieved you haven't gone away in your sleep, or how you go to bed wondering if you'll get to see the sun the next day.
You can't tell anyone, especially her.
Death is inevitable, but for you, it is one step closer than for anybody else.
vi.
She never gives up. No matter how much you push her away, no matter how harsh the insults you throw at her, she just keeps on coming back.
She cares.
You refuse to admit it though, and block her from entering that door into your life. You know that if you let her in, she'd change you and you as hell don't want change.
And yet she doesn't stop. She greets you cheerfully every morning, badgers you about every little detail in her life, and that infuriatingly beautiful smile on her face is always directed at you.
Before you know it, she's already let herself in.
vii.
It's too late. It's much too late to back out now. Every morning right after you wake up, you tell yourself to let her go, that you don't deserve her, that she would have been much better off with someone else.
And then she smiles at you and every reason you force upon yourself to believe suddenly crumbles into dust.
Because you're just so damn selfish.
Again, she smiles that smile of hers, that one meant only for you, and your name flows out from between her lips and you can practically see the music notes floating in the air. "Natsume!"
And you know you've already lost, long before the game began.
Natsume is a gigantic ball of angst. For serious. But we all love angsty, hot men right? Happy belated birthday, Nattie! I was supposed to post something on the twenty-seventh of November, but I forgot. I HATE MYSELF. How could I forget his birthday?! I'm a failure as a fangirl. Boohoo. Anyhoo, I'm posting this at 2:20 in the morning right now, so I hope that makes up for it. Oh, and I don't own Gakuen Alice. That title belongs to the much revered Tachibana Higuchi-sama.
-The Very Much Alive and Grieving Tearless Sonnet