Neverwinter Nights: Once More, With Forbearance
Based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode 6x07, Once More, With Feeling, this is a chronologically incorrect rendering of a crucial event in the Official Campaign – Shandra's abduction at the hands of Zeeaire. Originally, it was supposed to be a joke, but very soon it started taking itself seriously. The result is a bit of a mess, but I assure you it was fun to write ;)
Since this was written based on the episode's shooting script (acquired from www-buffyworld-com), it might contain certain snippets that did not make it into the final episode (most notably an entire verse in Walk Through the Fire). On the other hand, I had to omit an important song – Giles's Wish I Could Stay – simply because it wouldn't fit with the rest of the ill-fitting ramblings, and would make things get a little too serious. Forgive me!
In terms of accurate syllable-parodying, some creative reading might occasionally be required, but at least the rhyming's up to scratch. Oh joy!
I'm very happy about the way Zeeaire's and Bishop's respective songs turned out (Bishop makes a good brooding vampire); but I'm sorry I did Going Through the Motions so early into it, and didn't bother to make amends later. For Casavir's sake, imagine him singing a manly baritone rather than an unpaladinlike falsetto in Under Your Spell. And, yes, the Casavir–Shandra romance was meant to be sickly sweet.
Disclaimer bit: BTVS, its characters, and all related indicia et cetera, as well as NWN, its respective characters, and all related indicia et cetera, are most certainly not mine, nor do I claim them to be. Once More, With Feeling was written and composed by Joss Whedon, and he did a fine job. I'm just borrowing the melodies for a while.
Enough rambling. Hope you like the thing!
Act I – Overture
(A bright, sunny day rises over Crossroad Keep. The peasants are busy working in the fields outside the walls with a cheery heigh-ho; the Greycloaks are diligently training in the grounds, going through the routine in perfect unison; Kana's going about her business, issuing orders as she makes her way around the Keep. Lord Nasher steps out onto the balcony of his suite, hands clasped behind his back as he proudly observes the Keep. With a nod, he dismisses Sir Nevalle, who respectfully retreats.)
(The Knight-Captain walks through the double doors of the entrance, blinking testily as the sunlight meets her eyes. She proceeds to walk through the grounds of the keep, as people rush about doing their work.)
(Song: Going Through the Motions)
Knight-Captain: Every single day
The same arrangement;
I go out and play my part.
Yet I always feel a strange estrangement;
This role's not meant for me,
I don't feel it's right.
I came from a farm deep in the swamplands,
And now look at me:
I've got a sword, a cape, a title,
A task to save the land.
It's coming to be more than I can stand.
Kana: Captain, there's a man waiting outside,
He says his village needs our help.
Knight-Captain: Tell him we'll be right there,
Arm the Greycloaks –
Master Veedle: Captain, the west wing?
Knight-Captain: What about the thing?
Master Veedle: Gold for rebuilding?
Sir Nevalle: Nasher says to tell you're doing well.
There's one thing you should know:
The Shadow Army's marching towards us
They'll be here within days.
We must make plans, make haste, make no delays.
Knight-Captain: They gave me the Keep to keep it,
Find the dark threat and defeat it;
I'm afraid I must admit it:
I don't think I can be
The destined hope and saviour,
The knight who frees the land.
I'm not brave or strong,
I feel this is all wrong,
And I know that I don't belong.
(The Knight-Captain is steered away by a dozen minions relaying information, questions, and obligations, with Sir Nevalle in the lead, animatedly pointing to an unfurled floor plan of Crossroad Keep.)
(Meanwhile, in the little house on the grounds of Crossroad Keep, the Knight-Captain's allies are just rising to a late breakfast.)
(Qara stands alone in the common room, gazing thoughtfully at an empty table. She is toying with a long, elaborately carved wizard's staff, balancing it from one hand to the other.)
Sand: (Enters) I was right in assuming you were so deprived of intelligence and the ability to pay attention you need to hear a warning a thousand times before you even remember a person spoke to you. (He forcefully grabs the staff from her.) I have told you time and again to keep your hands away from my staff of power, girl.
Qara: Keep your worm-eaten staff of power, Sand; I don't need it. I've got more power in my little finger than you can muster with that staff of yours.
Sand: Save your breath, Qara; it is far too early in the morning for me to even pay attention to your childish taunts.
Qara: Oh, of course you shy away from the challenge, as usual. I suppose it's easier to lose face by being a coward than being spectacularly defeated in a duel against an Academy drop-out.
Sand: I couldn't care less if you're in the mood for a face-off. Go play with the tiefling guttersnipe; she'll be more responsive to your crude manner of intercourse.
Qara: Maybe I will. I expect she'd make a better opponent than you in a wizarding duel.
Sand: Good. And while you're looking for ever more intelligent ways to demonstrate your skill at insult, I'll go and have my breakfast with the Greycloaks, and be mercifully free of ill-mannered schoolchildren.
Qara: Ha! Shows what you know, Sand! A real mage would magic himself up a breakfast anywhere and anytime he wants.
Sand: Haven't you learned anything in that Academy of yours before the pressure of intelligent work got too much for you to bear? Food is one of the five principal exceptions by Wigwald's Law of Conjuration and Evocation, as any dim-witted first-year could tell you.
Qara: I don't need laws and exceptions! Unlike you, Sand, I'm powerful enough to do whatever I want with my magic.
Sand: Always the immature, arrogant brat…
(Song: I'll Never Tell)
Qara: Now that I'm free of the Academy
I'll do as I please:
And when they see the power I've amassed
They'll be on their knees!
But my power can't grow;
With this group my days are so slow.
We're all allies although
I hate them so!
Sand: She is the one I've despised all along,
Such blind ignorance!
Spoiled and pampered and brash to a fault,
Such foul arrogance!
The shame of wizardry,
The brat of the Academy.
My sworn enemy.
I hate her so!
I wish she would just go.
Qara: He's mean, disdainful.
Sand: Her vanity's distasteful.
Qara: He's jealous of my power,
Of my skill and might.
Sand: Vulgar!
Qara: Scornful!
Sand: So self-absorbed it's mournful!
Qara: Obsessed with laws and facts
And always thinks he's right!
Together: The tone gets somewhat frightening.
Qara: Like he'll shock me dead with lightning
Sand: While the tension is just tightening
Qara: And the hatred's quickly heightening
So I'll burn him through!
Together: Gods know how I hate you!
(Enter Neeshka and Khelgar.)
Neeshka: When things get rough
Khelgar acts like he's so tough
But past a couple of punches
He says he's had enough.
Khelgar: A tiefling – don't trust 'er.
She'll steal all she can muster.
She'd never –
Neeshka: His talk's all bluster!
Khelgar: No manners at all!
(Everybody falls silent to watch Elanee as she dances her way around the room.)
Neeshka: He's short,
Bald, dim and stubby.
Khelgar: Her deeds are grubby.
Neeshka: All he knows is how to brawl.
Khlegar: A tiefling I don't trust at all.
Qara: You two bore me
To no end!
(Elanee's not that good a singer, so she just waltzes solo through the scene.)
Khelgar: Don't like the wood-elf.
Neeshka: So how can he stand himself?
Khelgar: She's skinny, scrawny, weedy,
And she worships trees.
The bard's a black sheep,
His stories make us all weep.
I think the ranger wants to kill us all
While we sleep.
(Enter Grobnar, blissfully oblivious.)
Grobnar: There's danger waiting for us,
But I have naught to fear while they're here.
Our Knight-Captain succumbs to none,
Our mages outwit anyone.
Khelgar's fearsome, Neeshka's cunning,
They will send all our foes running.
Bishop kills them without remorse,
Casavir attacks with brute force.
We're unstoppable, incisive,
With our leader, so decisive,
We're the group that won't let go,
Our enemies should know!
My allies, I trust you so!
And so do you,
Let it show!
(The others look guiltily at each other.)
Sand: Who'll let him know?
Qara: Not me, I won't.
Neeshka: Moving along…
Khelgar: I'm out of here…
Together: I hate you all!
(Each member of the group turns their own way: Khelgar returns upstairs with much ado; Neeshka inconspicuously slips out of sight; Sand decidedly stares at the ceiling, choosing to ignore his surroundings; Qara storms out of the house. Grobnar remains sitting tranquil by the window, a thoughtfully dazed look on his face.)
(Cut to an idyllic forest scene: far from the bustle and commotion of Crossroad Keep, Shandra and Casavir are enjoying the soothing intimacy of a walk through the woods. Birds chirping, insects buzzing, sun shining through the leafy canopy overhead.)
Shandra: A beautiful day, isn't it? The sun is bright in the sky, the birds are singing, the grass is green and the flowers are in bloom –
Casavir: And all I have eyes for is you.
Shandra: Oh, I don't know what there is to see.
Casavir: Shandra, you say that each and every day, and I simply cannot understand how such a beautiful, strong, spirited woman can –
Shandra: – imagine what an honourable, mighty, dashing paladin of Tyr could possibly see in her?
(Song: Under Your Spell)
Shandra: I lived my life a farmgirl,
Alone through long, empty days.
It didn't seem that bad, though;
I knew of no other ways.
Now the life that you've shown
Is full of joy I've never known!
All I want is you;
I need nothing more.
My love is yours for evermore.
You know that it's true;
You've made me feel whole;
To you I give my heart and soul
Casavir: My life was dark and empty,
Lonely, ascetic and cold.
A life of law and duty,
No emotions to hold.
When I laid eyes on you,
I started my life anew.
All I love is you.
You have set me free,
You are all that I can see.
Oh, if only you knew
What you mean to me.
Immortal is my love for thee.
Together: You've made me see!
Shandra: The world, vast and wide;
You're all I want by my side.
Casavir: You're all I adore,
Shining like the sun.
Our lives have only begun.
Shandra: I want nothing more;
You're the only one.
My search for love is finally done.
You make me complete.
Shandra: You make me complete.
Casavir: You make me complete.
Together: You make me complete!
Bishop: (Amused) Now isn't that the most charming little serenade?
(The pastoral idyll bursts like a delicate soap bubble on the rusty tip of a foul-tempered orc's halberd.)
Casavir: (With unhidden anger) Bishop! How dare you intrude on our – our privacy!
Bishop: If this is the best you can do with it, maybe I shouldn't have been so merciful after all.
Shandra: How long have you been standing there?
Bishop: Far too long, I assure you. Another verse of your lovesick crooning and I would have stabbed myself in the throat.
Shandra: I wish you did.
Bishop: And still the result would be more pleasant than the banshee wails of a farmgirl trying to charm a deprived paladin.
Casavir: Have you just come to play your usual abhorrent self, Bishop, or are you here for a reason?
Bishop: Well now, I hardly ever need a reason to annoy you, paladin, but now that you mention it, I do remember being asked to be a good messenger boy and tell you you're needed in the mighty leader's war room.
Casavir: So I am called for to assist in crucial tactical preparations, while you are ordered to pass along the message? (Smirks righteously) I am glad to see at least the Captain –
Bishop: Knight-Captain.
Casavir: – can put you in your place.
Bishop: (Glares coldly) You mean somewhere I don't have to look at a bunch of holy warriors polishing their swords over a map of the surrounding farmlands? I'm glad of it.
Casavir: (Turns to Shandra) Shandra – my love – I won't be a moment, though every moment will seem like eternity without you.
(Bishop rolls his eyes.)
Shandra: I'll be fine on my own – I know that, when you return, you will be mine again until duty once more brings us apart.
Bishop: Come now, paladin, you're only going to the Keep. Don't worry about your maiden farmgirl; I'll keep her warm until you return.
Casavir: You will be coming with me, Bishop, and stand where I can see you!
Bishop: I've got better things to do. (Disappears into the undergrowth)
Casavir: Be wary of that man; he means no good.
Shandra: I couldn't care less for his intentions. All I want is for you to come back.
Casavir: I will return as soon as I can, my love. Will you be able to find your way back on your own?
Shandra: (Smiles) Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. It's not the first time I took a walk through the woods alone.
Casavir: (Deeply affectionate) Until later, then.
(With a final loving smile, Shandra dismisses Casavir, who starts making his way to the Keep, constantly looking back until Shandra is lost from sight.)
(Shandra continues her walk through the woods, gliding ethereally through the undergrowth, pausing in her step to pick flowers or look upwards and enjoy the sunshine.)
(Song: Under Your Spell (Reprise))
Shandra: You're all that I love.
A feeling I can't hide;
My heart and soul cannot deny.
To the stars above,
Distant, up so high,
Shining there beneath the sky,
I feel I could fly! –
(Shandra is cut short by a dozen Githyanki leaping out of the woods. She screams as they surround her, closing in on her. As she is captured and carried away, Qara crouches unseen behind a shrub, gazing in horror at the foul monsters making their escape with Shandra. She utters a final, piercing scream that carries through the tranquil woods, and the world dissolves into black.)