Elevator Music 3
the Side-Kick edition
On July 13th 2009, Ronald Weasley left his hotel room on the 31st floor and entered the elevator. He didn't give much thought to the flowery wallpaper and plain elevator music.
He went down 11 stories until the elevator stopped to admit another passenger.
Ron didn't know who the seven foot giant with the long black hair was, but Jacob Black thought the gangly, red-haired kid with freckles looked pretty familiar.
They stood in silence until the elevator plunged a bunch of stories and stopped abruptly on the 7th floor. The lights flickered eerily for a while, but did not go off.
Jacob tried to pry the elevator doors apart using the amazing super-strength that came with being a werewolf. He scratched his head and wondered why his strength refused to work. He did have a six-pack after all. While Jacob was scratching (an noticing his hair was a tad on the greasy side), Ron tried to magick it open, but to no avail. This didn't upset nor surprise Ron much because he was always pitiful at magic.
Ron decided he should probably talk to the tall kid if he was gonna be stuck with him here for a while. (He thought about how being around Hermione had given him some tact)
"So...whadya reckon we do?" asked Ron casually.
"Uh...," said Jacob with his mouth gaping open. At the same time he was marveling at the guy's awesome British accent, wondering which shampoo brand he usually bought and where he had seen this cool British guy before. It all clicked suddenly. "Oye mate! Aren't you L'Oreal Weasley?"
"No!," said an affronted Ron Weasley. This guy not knowing his name was upsetting because Ron was actually pretty famous and people usually knew his name. And besides, Ron was pretty sure L'Oreal was the name of some hair crap Hermione was using now (Ron had no heart to tell her it made no difference to the bush of hair on her head.)
"My name is Ronald Bilius Weasley." Ron said it with pride and dignity. He even puffed his chest out a little.
"Sure, Sure," said Jacob, remembering the name from the seven books hidden under his mattress. "OMG! You're Harry Potter's side-kick!"
This definitely deflated Ron's chest and shot a silver bullet through his ego.
"Yea, sure," Ron mumbled through gritted teeth.
"Oh yea!" said a newly excited Jacob. "I've read all the books! They are just so fabulous! Sorry about Fred though, he was my fave."
"Yeah. Thanks. You know, I was just starting to get over that. But it's OK. Remind me of all my pain and suffering. And it really means a lot to me coming from you, 'cause you know, every bloody fan I've ever met hasn't said the same thing word-for-damn-word. You saying it just makes everything better. Right?"
"Uh-" Jacob started, but got cut off by Ron.
"You know, I thought I could come here to relax, just get away from it all, you know? I got a pair of nerdy glasses and put a little curl on my forehead to hide my secret, but as other famous people and superheroes have learned the hard way, that only works for one guy. Stupid Clark Kent," Ron mumbled.
"You know, I-" But Jacob was interrupted again.
"But, of course, " said Ron continuing his rant, "my hat blew off in the bloody Chicago wind, some bloody sparkling guy with massive hair big enough to hide a third world country knocked my glasses off while hurrying away from rabid fan girls, and you know what happened to my curl?!" Ron was staring Jacob down, even though Ron as a foot shorter. That was just how powerful gingers were.
Jacob shook his head a little creeped out and semi-scared.
"Well, I thought that since I was here, I should buy something for Hermione. That's right, I was being a thoughtful guy. So I walk into a damn ULTA store, and guess what! I walk into the store, and this hag just comes up to me and is in my face about buying their new hair straightener. So, she STRAIGHTENS my curl out. Then on top of that, she starts screaming, "OH MY GOD! IT'S RUPERT GRINT!" and that was the last straw. If you were gonna go all fan crazy on me, then at least get my name right! I don't know who Grint is, must look like me almost (of course, no one can ever look just like me). Then she started asking if Daniel Radcliffe was nearby. Well, that was OK, at least she wasn't asking for Harry Potter. I am so sick of him.
"So there I was in the middle of an ULTA with everyone in the surrounding five stores asking for my autograph. I mean, I don't even know what Rupert Grint's signature looked like, but I winged it." Ron looked down, shook his head and sighed. Being famous was such a burden.
"And so, then after that unfortunate excursion," Ron continued, feeling like he had the power, "I went back to my room, took a nap and felt hungry. I was just going to go get something to eat and here I am, stuck in an elevator with another stupid fan!" Ron was pretty sure he was done with the speech.
"Hey man!" said an offended Jacob.
"Sorry, it's not you, it's me. I didn't have my Butterbeer this morning." Ron gave a huge sigh.
"Oh," said Jacob, totally understanding, like a true Harry Potter fan.
Ron nodded.
They stood in a silence that only side-kicks could pull off. You know, when the superhero told everyone to shut up while he had an amazing brain-flash and the side kick faithfully stood still and asked him what he was thinking right when his eyes came back into focus? But nobody was having a brain-flash here, so the silence was the teensiest bit awkward.
"So," said Jacob, trying to stray away from Harry Potter, which obviously upset Ron, "Have you heard of the Twilight series?" Jacob even looked a bit hopeful.
"Uh-" Ron had in-fact heard of the series. He had read all four books the days they had released and he had gone to the movies on opening day for the midnight showings, he had even dragged a half-asleep unwilling Harry along. Ron now knew where he had seen his elevator companion from: He was the Hawaiian looking guy with the obvious extensions and small eyes. Duh.
Well, you couldn't blame Ron. Jacob had gotten taller, cut his hair and sprouted a six-pack. He was much better looking now. Jacob was hoping that Ron wasn't thinking of his awful extensions. He was better looking in New Moon and prayed that everyone forgot about his awful big-screen debut appearance.
"Um, okay, promise you won't tell anyone?" Ron looked sweaty.
"What?" asked a curious Jacob.
"I secretly read all the books like a rabid fan girl. I knew who that guy was that knocked my glasses off. IT WAS RPATTZ! I even got him to sign the glasses he broke. That's why I decided to get Hermione something in the first place, I was feeling a bit guilty." Ron felt violated.
"What's wrong with being a Twilight fan?" said an offended Jacob.
Ron looked aghast, "You're joking right? What isn't wrong with it?!"
"Yea, but...." started a dazed Jacob. He had never met an underwhelmed fan before. This was a most strange experience for him.
"I mean, have you SEEN New Moon, mate?" sputtered Ron.
"Ya! I had a six-pack going on," said Jacob.
"Oh, I did see that, very nice!" congratulated Ron.
"Thank You. It took me five months! All the pain, sweating, back-breaking agony I had to go through.....and the GOD AWFUL PROTIEN SHAKES! All for your two hours of enjoyment!"
"Well, it was more like 2 ½ hours, really."
"Yea, but, that's not such a big difference."
"Kinda was, man."
"But I had a six pa-" Jacob began.
"Yo, Jacob," Ron cut him off, kinda like how Kanye West cut of Taylor Swift. "I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish but Orlando Bloom had the best six-pack of all time!"
Jacob was gonna cry. He decided he was going to tear his Orlando Bloom poster off his bedroom wall once he got home.
Ron then, tactlessly, continued to talk about how the movie sucked.
"Well, it was because in the middle when Kirsten was all like mopey, you started to feel the length....and it was bad. Harry started to get really annoying. Plus I had to pee, and that never helps...."
"WAIT! HARRY POTTER SAW MY MOVIE! OH MA GAWD!" This cheered Jacob up like you wouldn't believe.
Ron fumed. Why did nobody ever, EVER, remember the sidekick.
"Ron Weasley saw it too! And he's pretty much just as important as Harry because Harry can't do jackshit without Hermione and me. So you know, I feel that people should stop giving Harry all the importance and give me som-"
"Did Harry say he liked the movie? Did he say anything about me?" Jacob was all hopeful looking.
Ron felt like slapping himself a werewolf.
"He thought the movie was awful and refuses to go see Eclipse this summer. He said he was happy that Eclipse was coming out soon though."
"Because he's dying to see it?"
"No. Don't you LISTEN?"
Jacob was really about to cry this time. Even his six-pack couldn't help him in the situation. But he flexed his muscles anyways to remind himself that they were still there, to console him if he needed them.
"Then wuh-aye?" Jacob whined like a puppy.
"Because the sooner you all release your crap the faster your whole 'fad' will be over. I mean, what really got him was when his daughter, Lily, asked for a Bella and Edward Barbie set for Christmas. I recorded his reaction."
"Did you YouTube it?"
"Yea, my user name is CoolGinger3180, and the video is 'Harry Potter freaks out about a Barbie'," informed Ron.
"That's awesome!"
"I know! I have 78 whole views."
"You'll have 79 once I get home!"
"Thanks man!"
Believe it or not, they high-fived each other.
DORKS! This is why they are the side kicks and not the actual Heroes. They just haven't figured this out yet. They still think it's because of the hair. And the six-packs.
It's not.
"So is Harry gonna get her the Barb-"
"Hey," cut off Ron, "What's that in the corner?"
Jacob was momentarily distracted by Ron's awesome accent again. He didn't say corner as in korn-ehr (In American-English, phonetically), but instead he said corn-uh. This was AWESOME! Jacob loved British accents, mopey girls recovering from their break-ups with vampires, oh, and don't forget the six-packs. He liked those too.
"Is that a CD?" asked Ron, bringing Jacob back to the present, as boring as it was.
"Well," said Jacob glancing at the corner, "I know a thing or two about CD's and that is a CD."
"Well, which CD is it?" Ron hoped it was the Little Mermaid soundtrack. He loved those songs....Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun, wandering free, wish I could be.......PART OF YOUR WORLD! But his favorite was...."Under the Sea! Under the Sea! Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, Under the Sea!"
"Cool! It's the Harry Potter soundtrack." Jacob was quivering with happiness. He decided to add Harry Potter to the official list of things he loved. Bringing his grand total to.......four!
Ron did some more fuming. Maybe it was a ginger thing, because Jacob didn't really fume at all.
"Can I see the CD?" Ron gritted his teeth, but Jacob who was a little too happy, didn't notice. He handed Ron the CD.
Ron took the CD and snapped it. Clean in half. We didn't know Ron had it in him!
"Wha-!" spluttered Jacob.
"I hate Harry and his stupid little theme song," admitted Ron.
"You're just jealous you don't have a theme song." Jacob defended Harry.
"I do too!"
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"What is it?"
"Um.....it goes like......uh....." said Ron, improvising badly.
"Uh-huh." Jacob folded his arms.
"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, RON WEASLEY!"
"That's the Batman song!"
"So?"
"That's stealing! It's copyright infringement!"
"Fine, here's my real one!: (to the Spider-Man tune)
"Ron Weasley, Ron Weasley
Does whatever a wizard does!
Has hair, that's flaming red!
And he hates his hero friend!
Look out! (duh-duh-duh-duh)
Here comes the Ginger-Man!"
I know, it's great."
Jacob, who had grown up under the influence of DC comics and didn't know any Marvel heroes, thought this was an original song.
That's just how lame Jacob is. Who doesn't know Spider-Man? Dork.
"That's a sweet song....Ginger-Man!" joked Jacob.
"Do you have a problem with that?" asked Ginger-Man, formerly known as Ronald Bilius Weasley.
"Nope. It's a legit song."
"I know." Ron did the cheesy 'hand through hair', and cheesier 'gunshot motion with hands'.
They stood in that silence again. You know, when the superhero told everyone to shut up while he had an amazing brain-flash and the side kick faithfully stood still and asked him what he was thinking right when his eyes came back into focus? But nobody was having a brain-flash here, so the silence was the teensiest bit awkward.
"Hey! It that a Batarang?" Jacob acted as the breaker of silence again.
"What in the ruddy hell is a Batarang?"
"Dude, you fail. You don't know who Batman is, do you?"
"Nope."
"You suck at life," said the boy who didn't know who SPIDER-MAN was. But since Dark Knight was one of the most successful movies of all time, Ron's fail was greater than Jacob's. Was he like in a coma, summer 2008?
That's just how lame Ron is. Who doesn't know Batman? Dork.
"What were you doing summer 2008?"
"I was in a coma.....I tried to play Chaser........and fell off my broom....."
Oops.
"And I missed the Summer Olympics!" Ron whined.
"Aw! You missed Micheal Phel-"
"Yo, Jacob," Ron cut him off, kinda like how Kanye West cut of Taylor Swift. "I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish but Micheal Phelps had the second best six-pack of all time!"
Jacob was gonna cry, yet again. He decided he was going to tear his Micheal Phelps poster off his bedroom wall once he got home.
His wall was becoming increasingly boring.
"I thought you missed the Olympics!"
"I was back in time for Phelps! Who didn't see him?"
Both of them stuffed their hands in their pockets, in awkwardness. Ron was busy replaying the man-turned-fish race in his mind, and Jacob was thinking about alternative people's posters he could put on his wall. He thought about Obama! But then remembered that he too, had a six-pack. Dang it!
Jacob decided to just put up Ron's poster on his wall, he was pretty sure RON didn't have a six-pack. This brightened his day considerably.
They stood in that silence.........yet again. You know, when the superhero told everyone to shut up while he had an amazing brain-flash and the side kick faithfully stood still and asked him what he was thinking right when his eyes came back into focus? But nobody was having a brain-flash here, so the silence was the teensiest bit awkward.
While his hands were in his pockets Ron felt something in his left pocket. It was a marker.
"Hey! Look! It's a marker!" Ron exclaimed. He was the breaker of silence this time. And proud of it.
"Cool." Jacob didn't know what they could do with a frickin' marker, but sure. Why not? He was already stuck in an elevator with a cranky, ginger wizard.
"Let's write on the wall!" Good thing Hermione wasn't around, thought Ron.
"What should we write?" asked a wary Jacob.
"Something original. So everyone could know we were here. But we have to be all sly about it at the same time, ya know?"
"Let's write........'Here Stood the Greatest Side-Kicks of All Time!'"
"No! That's not original enough!"
"How 'bout....'Here Stood the Greatest Werewolf and Ginger of All Time?'"
"Lame!"
"What do you have, then?"
"I have a good one."
"What?"
"'Ron and Jacob were here!'"
"That's bloody awesome!" Jacob even used a tacky British accent!
"No...jus.....don't.....Just don't even do that again, 'Kay?" Ron hated fans.
"Fine. But why does your name get to go first?"
"Cause, I'm British."
"Yea.....but I have a six-pack."
They glared at each other, holding their ground.
You see, for us, this matter (who's name goes first) is resolved by a simple Rock-Paper-Scissors match. (M-O won in our case. It was great.) But anyways..... Ron and Jacob were side-kicks and they were forever doomed to be said AFTER the main hero's name, but here was a chance to have it written first! So for them, this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Neither of them wanted to give it up.
Jacob used his height, and six-pack, to steal the marker from Ron. He wrote "Jacob and Ron Were Here" in a large, sloppy scrawl.
Ron fumed, it was rather cute, and pulled out his wand.
"Scourgify!"
He rewrote it to say "RON and Jacob Were Here'.
Ron beamed.
Jacob didn't even notice what Ron wrote. He was distracted by his wand!
"IS THAT YOUR WAND! YOU HAD YOUR WAND WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME AND YOU SHOW ME UNTIL NOW???? OMG! OMG! OMG! BELLA IS GONNA BE SOOO JEALOUS! CAN I TAKE A PICTURE WITH IT? PUH-LEASE"
Jacob was jumping up and down repeatedly. Ron found himself clutching his wand tightly to his chest.
Jacob held out his hand for the wand.
Ron shook his head. He had already broken one once! He was not giving it away anymore! He liked this wand. He had poked Harry once in the eye with it!
"Can I please see it, Ron?"
"NEVER!"
Jacob wanted to see that wand. He tried to pry it off off Ron. He grabbed one end and Ron grabbed the other.
It was a tug-of-war going on here.
They are so lame! BOYS!
"LET GO WEASLEY! DIDN'T YOUR MOMMA EVER TEACH YOU TO SHARE?"
"WELL, IF YOU READ THE BOOKS, YOU'D KNOW MY MOM WAS A BIT PREOCCUPIED WHEN I WAS GROWING UP!"
"OH YEA, SHE HAD LIKE 7 KIDS!"
"YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
"WHAT A BLAST-ENDED SKANK!"
"WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"YOU HEARD ME, BLAST-ENDED SK-"
At that precise moment, the doors to their confining elevator graciously, and knowingly, opened for Ronald and Jacob.
They both looked at the hallway outside in amazement.
They looked at each other, then Jacob let go of the wand and Ron straightened himself up.
They shook hands with one another.
"It was fabulous meeting you Ron!" said Jacob.
"Thanks, bloody ol' mate."
Jacob giggled at his awesome British accent one last time and could not wait for December 2010, when DEATHLY HALLOWS PART ONE WOULD RELEASE! OH MA GAWD!
They bade each other farewell and walked down the hallway in separate directions.
It had been a strange day indeed.