A/N: GUYS THAT EPISODE WAS EVERYTHING I COULD IMAGINE AND MORE. DAWSEY. DAWSEY. DAWSEY. In case you are wondering I am still screaming and re-watching that glorious Dawsey scene. I do think they still have some bumps in the road, but I'm pretty firm in my Dawsey faith after that episode.
Anyways, I started writing this right after the episode ended and have been up all night finishing it because my muse would not turn off. I'm an emotional mess after writing it, so sorry if it has the same effect on any of you.
I don't own Chicago Fire, unfortunately, or "Collide" by Howie Day. Amazing song, and you should check it out if you haven't heard of it.
This is slightly rated M in some parts, fair warning.
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
She doesn't really remember how it all happened. One second they were sharing glances across the bar and eyeing each other unabashedly. The next there was a speech from the Chief and once it was over they were staring each other down like a predator ready to pounce on it's pray.
She'd shot him a coy smile before walking back to the bar, his stare so intense she needed to move away before she did something rash like throw herself at him in the middle of Molly's with all their friends and colleagues to witness. She could only imagine how well that would play out with Chief and any other higher up to see.
She eyes Hermann down the bar serving someone and she seriously thinks about just grabbing the drink herself, she was fully intent on getting a little tipsy tonight, she would need it to get through this night with Matt lingering eyes on her stirring up feelings she'd desperately tried to put at bay. She feels a presence behind her and she doesn't have to turn to see who it is, she just knows. He rest a hand on her hip and his head dips down to her ear and she takes in an audible breath at having him this close. He mutters something about getting out of there and she's turning around and grabbing her coat, practically dragging him out of the bar without a single thought of the beer she was going to order or to the tabs they both have or the friends who will wonder where they've went. Nothing else matters as they step out the door and Casey grabs her hand the minute the door closes behind them. He pulls her to the side of the building out of site before pressing her against the brick wall and his lips are on hers in an instant.
She'd be lying if she said that wasn't exactly what she'd wanted since the first look they'd shared that night. Maybe even before then.
The kiss is everything she remembers it being and more and she really thinks she might cry at that thought. It'd been so long since she'd had his lips on hers and she'd almost forgot what it was like. Almost. His lips were soft against hers and the kiss was anything but chaste. It was filled with longing and passion and a desire that she'd never witnessed from him before. His tongue grazes over her lips and she's quick to grant him entrance as her hands move from the collar of his jacket to the back of his neck. His hands move from their previous state of buried in her curls and move down the her bottom, lifting her off the ground and her legs are wrapped around his waist in seconds as he pushes her into the brick wall and as his lips hit that spot on her neck his name is tumbling from her lips in a breathy moan.
She feels his smirk on her skin at the reactions he's getting from her and she pushes herself into him and grabs his face before crashing her lips back to his, electing a moan from him that has her feeling all sorts of accomplished.
He pulls away after air becomes a necessity and rests his forehead against hers, their labored breaths mingling in the cool air. He places a soft kiss to her lips that leaves her reeling and soon she is wiggling to be put down. When the best parts of him press up against the best parts of her she takes a deep breath and practically drags him out onto the street, she really just needs to get him alone right now.
They hail a cab, neither of them drove that night, now she's kind of thankful for it. She's not sure either of them would be able to concentrate on the road. When they slide into the backseat Casey lists of their address and she has to take a breath to swallow the lump that's formed in her throat. It's not their address. It's his address. She doesn't live there, and they aren't together. She's not really even sure what any of this is, but she doesn't dare say anything. So many thoughts are running through her head and as the cab starts moving she is sure those thoughts are about to spill down her cheeks, but then his hand is back in hers and he's placing gentle kisses on her lips and neck and she pushes those thoughts away as she lets herself give into him.
It doesn't matter what this is or what they are because right now she has Matt. Right now he is all hers and that's the only thought she wants to focus on. When his lips hit the shell of her ear and he murmurs something softly about getting her home it's truly the only thought she can form as her heartrate picks up.
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
He throws some money on the center counsel and doesn't bother with his change and they're tumbling out of the cab before it has completely come to a stop in front of the building. He doesn't really care. It's been far too long since he had her. It's been far too long since he's had his lips on hers and her hands on him. He's missed her more than he sometimes even cares to admit. In truth he's really thinking it's been far too long since he's seen that beautiful smile. The one she has around him is different than the one he sees her give in the fire house or out at Molly's. It's full and her teeth show. Her eyes are bright and that little dimple he loves always pops out. She's perfect in every sense of the word and he's really missed seeing her light up like this.
He knows those are dangerous thoughts given the fact that they've both had an emotional day and he's really not even sure what this is. Is this their reconciliation, or is it a simple one night thing? Two people coming together in a time of need. He shakes his head at that thought. It'll never just be a simple one night stand with her. He doesn't think he could live with himself if he used her in that way. She means too much to him for that. Neither of them has had too much to drink, so he knows this isn't alcohol induced, which is surprisingly comforting.
When her hand slips into his and they are tumbling down the hall, sharing kisses, and laughing like teenagers he finds himself not really caring what the whole meaning of this is. For right now he's got her in his arms. Laughing and smiling, and kissing him like he's almost forgotten that she knows how to do. Almost.
He unlocks the door and pulls her into his arms in a haste and he wastes no time on letting his lips find hers again in a heated kiss. She pushes his jacket off his shoulders and it falls to the floor as places his hands on her hips and blindly leads her backwards to the hall. They crash against one of the walls, tripping over a rug, in their frantic state to make it to the bedroom.
He pauses as he looks down at her. Her heels are on and she's not that much shorter than him with the black shoe, but still just enough so that he can look down into her eyes. Those brown eyes that have always been able to tell him anything he needed to know about her. He takes a few calming breathes to even out his erratic breathing that has come from their frantic kisses. The moonlight is the only thing peeking in and lighting the dark hallway and it's hitting her face in a way that has him taking a deep breath. He lifts his hand from her hip and tucks a stray curl behind her ear. He's not sure what this is, but he's starting to really think they should talk. Should take a moment to say what this is. If it's anything at all.
"Gabby." He whispers into the darkness and her lips are cutting him off before he can continue. When her tongue runs along the seam of his lips he loses all coherent thoughts and a talk becomes the furthest thing from his mind. Her coat is discarded somewhere in the hall and they are crashing into the bedroom without breaking apart from the heated kiss they've started. The moment the back of his legs hit the bed they are falling onto it in a heap, barely separating before their lips are on each other's again. She's straddling him in a way he loves and bracing herself against the bed as his hands run up and down her back. They share a few more heated kisses before she is pulling away from his lips and looking down at him. There's so many emotions playing across her face and he can't really decipher them all, but the one that's really catching his attention is fear. There is an uncertainty in her eyes that he's never seen before and he wants nothing more than to wipe that away.
Looking down at the man she loved. The man she loves. She's not really sure what to say. She loves him. She really truly does. She's loved him for longer than she can remember and it kills her to think of how far they've come. She sees the lust in his eyes, but she also sees the love in them too. She doesn't know what this is. Not the slightest clue. She just doesn't want to get hurt. She let him in and it didn't work out in their favor and they ended it. She thought they had a chance to get back to what they were and then she learned he'd slept with someone else. She couldn't fault him in that, they were broken up after all. But it still hurt, and truth be-told she'd been distancing herself from him since she'd learned that piece of news.
She doesn't want to get hurt, but she also doesn't want to hurt the man in front of her. She's never wanted to hurt him and she knows along the way she did and that kills her, but she doesn't want to do it again. She couldn't live with herself if she ever hurt him again.
He tries to find the right words to say. I love you, and other equally as wonderful words are on the tip of his tongue, but they don't make their way out as he stares up into her brown depths. He can't find any words and he manages a small nod, hoping that the look in his eyes and that small gesture are enough for her too know what he wants to say. They'd never needed a whole lot of words and grand speeches. They could tell what the other was thinking just by a look. Maybe it was the time apart or maybe it was the emotions of the day, but right now he had no idea what was running through her mind.
"This is…" She trails off, shaking her head, trying to find the words. "…just a reaction… to the stress of the day…" She poses it as a question and shakes her head as if trying to convince herself and he has to stop the frown that wants to form on his face.
She's lying to herself. He can see it clear as day. He can also see she's scared as hell and he knows better than to push it. Her words wound him. This is so much more than that. It will always be. They will always be so much more than that.
But he says none of those things, because if she's convinced herself that this is all it is than he will have to do the same too. He nods his head and takes a breath. "Absolutely…" Even he can hear how unconvincing he sounds.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
There is pang of hurt that flashes across her face after his words and as quickly as it appears it's gone, and he has to wonder if it was just a pigment of his imagination.
She isn't really sure what she was expecting him to say. But her chest tightens when he agrees to her statement and she knows that this isn't simple. It's anything but simple, and she has feeling it has the potential of getting pretty messy. But she can't stop herself. She doesn't want to. She loves this man and she never stopped.
She swallows back her feelings and when she leans down she lets her forehead rest against his for a moment and takes this all in. Her next kisses are the softest ones they've had all night. Their chaste and timid and she hopes he can feel the 'I love you' slipping from her lips. She doesn't remember the last time they kissed like this. She doesn't even really remember their last kiss that well. You never think that last time is going to be the last time, and then all of a sudden it's just gone. They've decided this is nothing more than high stress of the day, and if this is the last time she ever gets to be with him again she sure as hell is going to make it count, and she is going to commit every moment of it to memory.
There kisses turn heated again and he is rolling them over and pinning her too the bed before she can even think of what's happening. Her hands move from his neck to his back and shoulders and his wrap around her tightly as her legs hitch around his waist. His weight falls onto hers and she kissed his shoulder through his shirt, when his lips start an assault on her neck she grips his back tighter and her head falls back as she feels her breathing go shallow. He's so damn good at this.
His shirts discarded somewhere in the room and hers follows quickly after and he takes in a deep breath at the sight of her. He mumbles beautiful against her skin and looks up from where he was placing kisses on her stomach just in time to catch the blush that hits her cheeks. She was never good at taking a compliment.
His pants go next and hers once again follow soon after. It's not until they are both laying pressed together in their undergarments that it hits the both of them that this is actually happening. His fingers dance across her back and easily pops the clasp of her lacey black bra and he throws it behind him as he stares down at her and drinks her in. His eyes meet hers and that's when it really hits him that they are doing this. Over a year together, and then months apart, easy promises of someday that they'd get back together. An epic romance that ended to soon and this is how they are doing this, this is how they are letting this happen. He wants to make every second of this last. He really hopes this isn't the last time he ever gets to experience her in this way, but there is a nagging feeling in his heart that is telling him it is. He wants to tell that feeling to shove it.
If this really is the last time he sure as hell is going to make it worth it.
He kisses her softly, wanting to drink her in and commit every kiss to memory.
His kisses are so gentle and loving that she almost forget that they haven't been doing this the past few months. If she closes her eyes she can pretend that things aren't any different than all those months ago. She still lives here. Her picture are still on her night stand. Her clothes are still in the closest. Her toiletries are still in the adjoining bathroom. Her favorite pillow is still on her side of the bed. Her ring is still on her finger.
But none of those things are true and it crushes her heart because she knows that a lot of that is her own fault. She packed those things. She took that ring off. And she walked out of this apartment.
When his lips gently trail from her lips to her collar bone she bites her lips. Half from the way his lips feel against her skin and half so the tears that have suddenly clouded her vision don't spill over.
This isn't a hook up. This isn't a one night stand. They mean too much to each other to do that, right? One night stands are fast and rushed. If this was a one night stand they'd be done by now. They wouldn't be taking the time to worship and cherish the other person's body. It'd be quick and frantic. Not… this. Not this loving and slow and sensual. If this was a hook up there wouldn't be tears in her eyes and a tightness in her throat at the way he delicately places kisses along her bare skin. So attentive and caring.
This is so not the simple one night they said it would be.
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
Well, I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
When all their clothes have been thrown to the floor, the never ending pile finally reaching its end, he pauses to stare down at her. She bare on their bed against the sheets and her hair is framing her face as she stairs up at him from where he stands at the end of the bed after just discarding her last article of clothing.
He's seen her this way many of times. They were together a year after all. But as he stares down at her it hits him like a ton of bricks. He loves her. He's always known it… but he's been trying his hardest to push that away for the past couple months and he quickly realizes that he doesn't want to push that away anymore. He doesn't care about the consequences and he doesn't care that they work together. He doesn't care that she's his candidate, and he really doesn't care that they said this was 'just the stress of the day'. Maybe that's what started it, but it's certainly not what's finishing it.
He loves her.
He slowly makes his way up her body and her arms wrap around his shoulders once he's close enough. He kisses her like he hasn't all night and that slow crawl from the end of the bed to her lips just about killed him. She kisses him back with just as much fever and there is no doubt in his mind that he loves this woman.
Their eyes meet and before he can stop himself the words are softly leaving his mouth. "Gabby, I lo…"
She cuts him off quickly with a kiss, her hands gripping his cheeks and pulling him down to her lips. When he looks at her again he's slightly confused. Her eyes are closed and when she finally meets his eyes again she take a deep breath. "Don't say it…" Her voice is so vulnerable and he's never heard her use this tone and it kills him. It really hits him how much he's hurt her over the past few months, and he's finally starting to understand her hesitation and fear with him. "…just show me." She murmurs softly.
That's something he full intends on doing. He enters her and she whimpers and tear falls from her eyes that he tries to chalk up to the time they've spent apart and how long it's been since they've done this. He knows there is a much deeper meaning behind that salty tear, but he's trying to push it away. That's not what she wants, right? This is just a stressful day. This is all she wants. He tries to convince himself and fails. He knows she hasn't been with anyone else since they've been apart and he loves her and wants to hate her for it all the same. She requested this break and she never even tried to move on. He loves her for that, adores her for it.
But he wants to hate her, because he went out and tried to forget her with another woman and he couldn't. He'd never forget her. He feels awful for trying to ever erase her from his mind and he hates her for not trying to do the same because than maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty about it.
He's knocked out of those thoughts when she lifts her hips beneath him to urge him on. When they start moving together it's everything he remembers it being and more.
It's slow and sensual, a thin sheen of sweat litters their body's, hands and lips roam, moans and gasps fill the air, their names tumble from the others lips, sweet nothings are murmured, and silent promises are made. The finish together and he kisses her likes it's the last time and as his lips meet hers she silently prays that it's not.
Her rolls onto his back and before she can even fathom the thought of finding her clothes and leaving he pulls her into his arms and holds her close. She's practically laying on top of him, their legs are tangled together, the blankets are draped around them, and he's holding her in an almost bone crushing grip.
He never wants to let her go again.
She's doesn't want to go anywhere at all.
He kisses her forehead a multiple of times and she listens to his steady heartbeat pound under ear.
When he thinks she's fallen asleep he mutter the words that she'd cut off earlier. "I love you, so much, Gabs."
She wills herself not to cry, and pretends to sleep like he thought she was.
When she hears his breath even out and knows that he is sleeping she whispers the words back in the darkness before falling asleep peacefully for the first time in months.
When she wakes up in the morning the bed is cold and he's nowhere to be found.
She doesn't stop the tears that threaten to fall that time.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
51 is graciously given the rest of the week to recuperate from that hectic day in the hospital and they are all thankful. They face death every day, but that was different. It wasn't anything they'd ever really experienced before and it threw them all for a bit of a loop. They are all pretty damn happy to be alive, and thankful for the time to spend with their families.
It's been a week. It's been a week since the hospital scare. It's been a week since they kissed. It's been a week since they slept together. It's been a week since she woke up in bed alone and did the ultimate walk of shame home. It's been a week since she's talked to Matt. It's been a week since she seen him.
But that week is coming to an end today, because today she has to put her big girl smile on and face him, and pretend like her heart isn't breaking.
She feels used and dirty and so many other things that she's not even sure she can explain. Of all the men she's ever been with that would do such a thing to her, she never would have fathomed he'd be the one. He left her naked and vulnerable in what used to be their bed after holding her so close all night and whispering those words of love into the darkness.
She thinks it's cruel, what he did. He could've let her leave that night if it really did mean nothing to him. He could've not held her to him like his life depended on it and let her gather her things and go. He didn't have to make her stay just so she could wake up without him. She wonders if it was a cruel trick. She packed and ambushed him when she walked out of the apartment and broke it off, maybe this was his revenge.
Even those words are bitter in her mouth because she knows it's not true. He's a royal asshole right now for leaving her there, but she knows he wouldn't sleep with her for revenge. He's not that guy and she knows it. But she doesn't understand it at all and she wishes she could. She steps into 51 and takes a breath, it's time to pretend.
He doesn't understand what went wrong. They had an amazing night together. It was emotional as hell and full of love and he doesn't understand in the slightest why she hasn't called, and why she wasn't there when he got home.
He'd left a note and it and her were both gone when he returned. He wants to hate her for that. For leaving, and breaking his heart over again But he can't, because he loves her, and he always will. It's impossible to not love that girl. He learned that a long time ago.
He rounds the corner to the locker room and stops in his track. She's changing into her work clothes and he stands there and takes her in, -in the non-perviest way possible.
She grabs for her work shirt and he takes note of the yellow bruise on her hip that started to fade from the hospital blast, and he notices the light bruise on her collar bone and hides his smirk. He knows that one is all him. He knows he didn't come out unscathed. There's a similar bruise on his neck that he's clad the collar of his shirt will hide and a few scratches on his back that are all her doings. He thinks maybe they are just trying to torture each other with those marks. He's looked at them the past week every time he's stepped out of the shower and missed her like crazy and wondered why she left.
Her smell still lingers on his sheets, and he refuses to wash them until that fades away, he knows it's a little pathetic, but he doesn't care. Her earring still lays on her bedside table and he hasn't moved it since he found it tangled up in the sheets and placed it there that morning.
He misses her. Everything about her.
She catches his staring and scuffs. "Didn't see enough last week?" She mutters hotly. There is no innuendo in her words, just hurt, and he's instantly mad at her hostility.
He scuffs and walks in to the room and straight to his locker. He starts changing and catches her staring at him as she pulls her hair up in her mirror and he can't help himself. "Like what you see?"
"I'd like it better if it wouldn't have left in the morning." She glares and he glares back before his voice rises.
"I'm not the one who left!" He points an accusing finger and she take a defiant stance.
"You left! I woke up and you were gone!" She accuses.
He rolls his eyes, okay that was a bad argument, he did leave, but with good cause. He left a note. "Okay, I left, but I left a no…"
"Save it…" She mutters, slamming her locker door and brushing past him.
"Dawson…" He hollers after her.
She whirls around and he knows by the tears in her eyes that she is about to break. "You know Casey out of all the people in my life, you I trusted the most. I never thought you'd be someone who would use me and leave me…" She's gone before he can say anything else and he slams his fist against his locker in frustration.
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
She ignores him all day and when he gets home the next morning he is pacing his room angrily. Thinking about what she'd said the morning before. His frustration is at an all-time high and he really just wants to down a bottle of whiskey and sleep until next shift. He's just decided that he'll do that very thing when his foot hits a crumbled piece of paper at the end of the bed and he frowns as he picks up the paper.
His note…
He realizes quickly that she never got it, it must have fallen off the side of the bed. He growls a mantra of choice words before picking up the note and her earing from the side of the bed and racing out to his truck.
When he finds her she's just leaving her favorite coffee shop and making her way to her vehicle. He's by her side in record time and calling out her name. She catches sight of him and groans. She doesn't want to do this right not. In public, none-the-less.
"Gabby!"
She slowly turns with her hand on the door handle and frowns. "Casey…" She trails off as he starts.
"I didn't just leave." He says breathlessly, having run from his truck.
Her eyes turn cold, she's really tired of hearing that from him. He did in fact leave and she isn't sure why he is denying it. She goes to interject and he cuts her off again. Telling her what happened that morning. Severide's doctor had called, his lung had collapsed and he needed a chest tube. Matt had written her a note and left to check on him, by the time he got there Severide was doing fine and insisted the blonde get back home after hearing about Casey's night and sending him a suggestive look, he leaves that part out. "…God, Gabby I wanted nothing more than to lay in that bed with you all day and get back what we use to have… I never wanted to leave you there, and I didn't know you never got the note. When I came home and you were gone I just assumed… I just assumed that you didn't want the same things." He whispers.
The tears fall from her cheeks and she looks at him cautiously. She wants to believe him, but she's been hurting so badly this week that it's hard to. "Casey…" She breathes out and trails off at a loss of what to say.
He frowns, but he almost half expected this response. He pulls the note and the earring from his back pocket and places them both in her hand. He kisses her forehead and before she can say anything he's walking away.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
She drives around for the longest time, tears streaming down her cheeks, and cheesy music coming from the radio. She's trying to forget. She's trying to remember. She doesn't really know, but it's been damn near 8 hours since he chased her down in the street.
Matt's words fly through her head. His note. His 'I love you' from that night a week ago. Those three words also scribbled on the note he'd gave her. The note she should've gotten a week ago. She really hates their timing. There is always something that gets in the way.
They had a chance over two years ago in her kitchen when he was called away. The night of her family's Christmas party they had another shot and he turned her down because of his mother's parole and everything he had going on. He wanted to be with her, she started dating Mills. Then Hallie came back to town. Her and Mills broke up, Hallie died. He took interest in her again, she was starting something with Jay. They got together and the fire academy came up and caused fighting. Then Matt had his accident. He proposes and a building explodes and she loses her best friend. He proposes a second time and a couple days later she is offered a job on truck to be his candidate. They break up because they suck at communicating. Clearly, she thinks. She thinks they could get back together, he sleeps with Beth. The hospital goes on lock down, they sleep together, then have this huge misunderstanding.
It's all pretty tragic and messy and she's beginning to wonder if they are just a bunch of chances missed and opportunities never taken.
They can't win. It's like fate is trying to tell them something. Maybe they aren't meant to be… She wishes she believed that. She wishes she believed that there was another guy out there that could make her feel the way Matthew Casey does. She wished she believed that it got better than him, but she knows it doesn't. She loves him. He's it. He's her one. She's known that for longer than she can remember.
Which is why she finds herself at his doorstep. She's finally worked up the courage to knock when the door swings open and he stares back at her confused. He looks flustered and not entirely sure what is going on.
It's so similar to that day over a year and a half ago that she could cry. Maybe fate is telling them something. She looks at him and he looks back at her and all she wants do is kiss him.
So she does.
She launches herself into his arms and he hold her tight as his lips find hers in a needy kiss. He pulls them back through the door and lets it fall shut as he pulls her flush against him. He doesn't know how she was just showing up here as he was about to go out and try talking to her again, but he won't question it. Not at all.
She pulls away and he is really afraid that she is about to say they shouldn't do this or something equally as crushing and then she is whispering words he's longed to hear for months. "I love you, Matt… I love you so much…I." He cuts her off with a bruising kiss and when he pulls away his head rests against hers.
"I'm so in love with you, Gabriella Dawson."
They lay together in bed a few hours later and her head rests on his chest as his arms wrap around her slim frame. Her fingers trail lazy patterns on his chest and he lets out a soft sigh.
"What's got you thinking so hard?" She murmurs without looking his way.
He smirks at how well she knows him and grabs her hand that was trailing along his chest. "I love you, you know that?"
She nods her head and places a kiss right above his heart and he wonders if she can tell that it's racing.
The next words are falling from his lips without a thought. "Marry me."
She looks up at him with wide eyes and he can only smile back, repeating the words to her. His hand comes to rest on her cheek and as they stare at each other lovingly she feels her eyes water as she nods. "Okay. Yeah, yes." She kisses him softly and pulls her close as pulls the ring box out from his bed side table. Her tears spill over at the sight of it.
He pulls the ring out and kisses her forehead as he slips it onto her finger. He taps the ring and they share a smile. "Now it's right where it should be." He whispers.
She cups his cheek as she smiles back him. "And it will be forever."
A flash of vulnerability crosses his features. "Promise?"
She nods as she places a kiss on his lips. "I do."
6 months later they're both saying those two words in front of a priest and all of their friends and family.
It was so much more than just a simple one night thing. It was a reconciliation. It was lovemaking. It was everything. It was fate. It was perfect.
It was also the night they made their little boy.
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
Let me know what you think!
Review, Review, Review pretty please.
XoXo