The Legend of Vaati – madNES
Based on a comic series on deviantART (Vaati's madNES)
Link was breathing heavily. The giant floating eyeball moved around him, tantalizingly.
"Hahahahahahaha!" It cackled. Link went down on one knee, shifting his weight to the sword. "How about this, Link? The final moments of the great hero of Hyrule." The eye changed into a Hylian. It had long purplish hair covering one eye, wore a dark purple cap, a similarly-colored robe, and long red pants. Vaati. He held out an arm and lit a ball of electricity above his hand. "To think that I'll be able to do what that pansy Ganon never could do. It's so easy!" Vaati moved his hand back and pivoted his leg, as if he was about to throw a pitch. Link struggled to stand and raised the sword.
"I'm not... going to let you win..." Vaati laughed.
"Do you really think you can-" The sword swung in front of Vaati's face, slicing his hair. He stumbled back and touched his face. His eyes went wide. "Jesus, man, you could have killed me, what were you thinking?" Suddenly, though, he stopped. He looked down and saw a sword pierced through his heart. He drooped his arms, let his head sag, and sighed. "Damn, how come this always happens to me?" He fell off the sword and landed on the ground. Link breathed easy as he saw a portal back to the castle appear.
"It's over..." Link dragged the sword behind him to the portal.
Link appeared in the sanctuary next to Zelda. She ran to his side. "Link! Are you okay?" Link nodded.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Ezlo popped up from Link's head.
"You should have seen him, Princess!" He cawed. "Vaati didn't stand a chance!" Suddenly, Ezlo started to glow, and flew to the ground. "This is it! Link, you broke the curse!" Ezlo started to change, and in less than a minute, he was an old man again. He smiled. "Thank you, Link. The world is at peace again thanks to you." He raised his staff and formed something above Link. It was a small pink cap. Link felt fires light up in his eyes.
"PINK?" Ezlo nodded.
"I think it suits you pretty well." Zelda giggled.
"It looks good, Link." Link sighed.
"Well, it's been nice knowing you, Ezlo. I-"
"What do you mean? I'm not leaving." Link had a horrified look on his face.
"You can't stay! You're worse than my great-grandfather's fairy!" Ezlo laughed.
"Well, you can learn a thing or two from me, boy." Link grabbed at his hair. All of a sudden, there was a distinguishable rumbling sound coming from all around them, followed by a loud cackling.
"Did you really think it would be that easy to get rid of me?" Vaati said, laughing hysterically. "I have so many more evil deeds that need to be done, and it can't be done by just one person!" Vaati appeared in between the three people. "I can't believe you thought I could die. However..." He turned to Link, giving him the death stare. "It took me years to get my hair to look like this, and you ruined it." Link felt sweat drip down his face. Vaati's eye sparked. "Here, let me give you my first bit of payback."
Without warning, Vaati tossed a small ball of energy at Link. Unable to dodge it, he covered his head with his arms. The ball hit him... but he didn't feel any pain. He opened his eyes and looked down. His eyes widened. "You turned my clothes pink!" He lunged at Vaati, arms outstretched in an attempt to strangle him. "YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!" Zelda held him back. Vaati laughed.
"Actually, it suits you pretty well." Link tried to break free of Zelda's grasp. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be." And with that, Vaati disappeared. Ezlo sighed.
"Well, I guess it's not over yet. Are you ready for one more adventure, Link?" Link pointed at Ezlo.
"Stay away from me, bird-man!" Link ran out of the castle, hands raised over his head, screaming. Zelda sighed.
"At least the kingdom is back to normal."
Link ran outside the garden to the front of the castle. He heard a small cracking sound. He turned to one side, and saw Vaati pelting the castle with eggs. Link felt his mouth drop open.
"Vaati, what the Hell are you doing?" He sounded extremely angry. Vaati looked over to Link, smiled, and waved.
"Oh, hi there, Link. I didn't see you." Link walked up to Vaati's side.
"Eggs? This is your evil scheme?" Vaati shook his head.
"Oh, absolutely not." He handed Link the box. "Could you hold onto these, I need to tie my shoe." He bent over and started working on something. He stood up a minute later. Link looked down.
"Vaati, you're wearing sandals." Vaati laughed. He sounded vaguely like Edward Elric, only more... evil.
"Well yeah. Did I say I was tying my shoes? I meant-" They both heard footsteps. Link looked around, then back at Vaati, who had disappeared. The Hylian guards ran around Link. He looked down and realized he was holding an empty carton of eggs next to a wall covered in egg yolks. He tried to run away, but tripped on something. He looked at his feet, only to see that the laces had been tied together.
"Dammit, Vaati." Link blew the hair out of his eyes.
Link was let out of the dungeon around noon. Zelda was waiting outside, arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. Link sighed. "What is it, Zelda?" She turned around, showing Link an egg in her hair. "Oh."
"Oh?" She turned around and showed Link the anger on her face. "You tossed an egg through my window! Do you have any idea how hard that is to wash out of your hair?" Link started to laugh.
"Funny story about that, I-" Zelda pulled Link by his tunic.
"I don't care! I spent three hours just deciding whether or not to pay your bail! You had better-" Link started shaking.
"Zelda, it wasn't even me, it was Vaati! He launched eggs, then he tied my shoes together, and then he framed me!" Zelda breathed deep and lowered Link.
"You had better straighten out things between you two, or I swear, I will make sure there won't be another Link." She gave Link the death stare Vaati had given him earlier. "Got it?" Link nodded, absolutely horrified.
"Y-y-y-yes, p-p-princess." Link was let down and stumbled back upstairs. He arrived in the courtyard, where he heard laughing coming from behind a hedge. He climbed over it and landed next to Vaati.
"Hi, Link!" Vaati said with a happy look on his face. Link hopped back, not expecting to see him there.
"Vaati! What are you doing?" Vaati pointed at a nearby sign. Link cringed. The sign said 'Keep off of Grass'. Link looked at Vaati. "What are you trying to do?" Vaati laughed. Clearly, he was having fun.
"Clearly, I'm having fun!" The guards ran by.
"I heard voices!"
"There's someone in the garden!"
"Did they step on the grass?"
"What kind of sick, evil, callous criminal would dare stand on the grass?"
Link's eyes widened. He turned back to Vaati, but he was gone again. The guards ran out on the sidewalk, careful not to step on the grass.
"There he is!"
"He's on the grass!"
"That bastard!"
Link looked down. He saw an advantage.
"Ha! I guess you can't catch me while I'm on the grass!" The guards froze. He was right.
"That's okay, we can wait." Link smiled.
"Well, I could just sneak away." The guards laughed.
"Good luck with that," one of them said, clearly the head guard. "You can't blend in with the grass wearing pink."
"Actually, it suits him pretty well," another guard said. Link sighed and leaped over the hedge with the Roc's Cape. It took the guards a considerable amount of time to make it out to the main part of the courtyard without stepping on the grass. By then, Link was already in town.
He ran to the center of town and noticed the people pointing at him and whispering. He could make out various things.
"Who is that?"
"I saw his poster, he's a wanted man."
"I heard he stepped on the grass."
"That color suits him pretty well."
After a while, Malon approached him. Link was relieved. Finally, someone I can trust. He thought. Malon looked him over and then at a paper she was holding. She nodded and turned to the approaching mob.
"This is him!" Link looked to the crowd and saw Torches and Frankenstein Rakes (Pitchforks, for those of you who are too smart for everyone else). He looked back to Malon.
"Malon, what's going on here?" Malon sniffled, tears in her eyes.
"I thought I knew who you were, but this... I can't handle this." Link stammered.
"W-w-what are you talking about?" Malon held up the paper. It was a wanted poster. With Link's picture.
"You stepped on the grass, even when there was a sign nearby that clearly stated not to step on the grass. It says so right here, see?" Link looked at the writing on the paper. It was in a familiar handwriting.
"I recognize that." He looked back at Malon. "Who gave this to you?" Malon shook her head.
"It doesn't matter." She covered her face and ran off into the crowd. The crowd parted in a line to let her through. As she exited the mob, another man walked to line to Link.
"Thank you, pardon me, sorry, excuse me." Link recognized the voice. It belonged to the person who wrote the wanted poster. Link groaned.
"Oh, God." Vaati smiled.
"Hi there, Link. What's up?" Link spat on Vaati's feet. He growled at Link. "Well, I can see we're already getting off to a great start." He lit a ball of electricity in his hand. "How about we walk and talk, I don't want you to be charged with loitering, too." Link snarled. Vaati shrunk the ball to about the size of a baseball, moved his hand back, and tossed it between Link's legs. He fell to his knees in pain. Vaati grabbed Link's ear and dragged him through the break in the crowd. "It's okay," he said to the crowd. "I've got this covered."
Link was finally able to stand after about 50 feet. Vaati smiled again.
"Good, you're up." Link gritted his teeth.
"What the Hell do you think you're doing?" He said with a higher, squeakier voice. Vaati and Link stopped walking. Vaati bit his lip and then immediately burst into laughter.
"My God, you're voice sounds hysterical!" He started walking again, followed by Link. He wiped a tear from his eye and stopped laughing. "Do you know why I'm doing this?" Link thought for a while.
"Is it because I sliced your hair?" Vaati resisted the urge to laugh again.
"Well, that's one reason." Link looked at Vaati. "You see, I'm a very selfish man-elf-thing. I want to have complete power over everything. It dates back to your great-grandfather. Around that time, I was just a humble eye-monster. I did minor things like steal, cheat, all those petty crimes. I had a few wanted posters in the shooting gallery, but that was it. Then your grandfather came along and sealed me in the four-sword. I had at least another thirty-or-so years to plan my escape. So I created a Shadow-Link to lure your father into freeing me. He and his doppelgangers thought they killed me, but in actuality, they just downgraded my power. I became a Hylian." Link looked up and down at Vaati's appearance. "Now, you stopped me from stealing the light force, but now I have a bigger plan!" Link sighed.
"Whatever could it be this time?" Vaati let a huge smile spread across his face.
"Do you remember earlier yesterday when I said my deeds couldn't be done by just one person?" Link nodded. "Well, I've been working on that one for a while." Vaati arrived outside a large building. "Do you know where we are?"
"Um..." Link looked around for a sign. The area smelled of moldy garbage, was covered in papers and other such things, and had several drunken people walking around. "Community College?" Vaati shook his head.
"Close!" He opened a door and led Link into a room with several people at desks, all surrounded by foods of different sorts. "We're at a live taping of a cooking show!" Vaati led Link through a few aisles. As Vaati walked by, several plates of food caught on fire. He stopped by a man who looked exactly like Vaati, only with negated colors. "You see, Link, I couldn't do evil all by myself. So I got a clone!" Link trembled.
"A clone, that means... two of..." He jumped back. "A CLONE?" Vaati nodded.
"Yep, I call him Itaav. Right now he's finishing some kind of chef school. This is his graduation ceremony. If he cooks the best dish, he'll get not only his own PhD of pizza making, but also a cooking show in about two years." Vaati tapped Itaav's shoulder and leaned to the side just as a knife went by his head. The knife sliced the left half of Link's hair. "We're more even now." Link growled. It took Itaav a moment to realize what was going on.
"Hey! Vaati!" Itaav gave Vaati a high-five. "Man, I haven't seen you in a long time. What's up?" Vaati gestured at Link.
"I'm showing this guy around." Vaati checked his watch. "Oh, geez, I'm late. Take care of him for me while I take care of my own business." And with that, Vaati disappeared... again. Itaav looked at Link.
"That look suits you pretty well." Itaav took a closer look at Link. "Wait a minute... you look familiar." Link sighed, knowing what was about to happen. "You're a wanted criminal, you stepped on the grass!" Itaav picked up several knives and tossed them at Link. He dodged them with ease, blocking the last one with his sword. Itaav's eyes glowed. "That's the Four Sword!" He raised his hands, as if surrendering. "Okay, I give! You win."
Funny, Link thought. I didn't really do anything.
"Vaati went back to Hyrule Castle! He's planning on capturing Princess Zelda for nefarious purposes!" Link twitched.
"Define 'nefarious'." Itaav punched Link between the legs. "Ooh!" Link fell to the floor. Itaav casually picked up his dish and brought it to the front desk.
"I'd like to submit this pizza." The instructor took a piece off of the pie and took a bite. He smiled, then immediately turned blue, grasping his throat. Itaav smiled. "Great, now if you could sign my diploma, I'd like to help my friend." The man grabbed a pen and signed his name on the dotted line. He pointed at his neck, hoping Itaav would do something. Itaav took the degree, placed it in a photo frame, and walked away.
Link stood up and hobbled down the aisle to the door. By the time he exited the building, he could walk again. He chased after Itaav as he disappeared into the air, just as Vaati had done numerous times before. Link sighed and ran for Hyrule Castle.
He arrived outside the gate. He couldn't help but notice that not only was the gate closed, but there was a wire running between the crystals on the top of the gate. The wire led off to the distance, where there was a large rocky area. Noticing the gate was shut, he remembered something Zelda had told him a while ago. He ran to the side of the castle to where there was a small bush. Underneath the bush was a trapdoor leading inside the castle. He followed the passageway to the inside of the castle, and to Vaati.
Link climbed two flights of stairs to the ground level. He was panting, having run up the stairs, and realized that it was a stupid idea too late. Link ran to the stairwell in the back of the castle. He saw a sign indicating the days events and prayed he didn't have to climb more than two more flights of stairs.
'Today's Events
'Movie Shooting – Floor 3
'Exorcism – Floor 6
'Killing of a beloved royal figure – Floor 10
'Burning of a beloved royal figure – Floor 20
'The Marriage of Princess Zelda and Lord Vaati – Floor 40
'Something funny – Floor 69'
Link sighed. "40... stairs..." He took a deep breath and started to climb.
~45 minutes later~
Link crawled up the last step to the 40th floor. "I..." he wheezed. "I'm..." he coughed. "Here..." He threw up. "Good God, we need an elevator in here." He staggered to the church room. As got close, he heard voices through the door.
"If there are any objections as to why these two should not be wed, then speak now, or-" Zelda raised her hand. "Other than the bride." Link breathed deep.
"I've got one chance to do this." He lifted his leg and kicked the door. His foot crashed through it, but otherwise the door was unmoved. "Oh, God, that feels terrible!" He said, extremely loud. Everyone in the church looked back at the door.
"Who is that?" Link heard whispers among the crowd. He pulled his foot out and opened the door as if nothing happened.
"He looks familiar."
"I think he's the guy who stepped on the grass."
"That look really suits him pretty well."
Link limped to the altar and raised his sword to Vaati. Vaati sighed. "Jesus, man, you don't give up, do you?" Link panted.
"So this... is your evil plan?... Marrying... Princess Zelda?" Vaati shrugged.
"Well she seemed to be cool with it." Zelda tossed her bouquet to the ground.
"No I'm not!" Vaati gave her the death stare.
"Well excuse me, Princess." He said, sarcastically. He looked back at Link. "Well, since you apparently don't know when you're screwed, how about I teach you a lesson?" He rose into the air and teleported he and Link to the gates of Hyrule Castle. Link groaned.
"Aw, man! Do you have any idea how hard I worked to get up there in the first place?" Vaati floated to the top of the gate, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small button. The gate to the courtyard changed quickly into a portal. Link saw through it to a universe where everything had negated colors as to what they were in Hyrule. He saw another person who looked like Vaati, only he had blue skin and wore red clothes. Vaati looked down.
"Whoops, wrong button." He pushed a different button, only for the portal to change to a black hole. Link felt his legs come out from underneath him. He stabbed his sword into the ground to anchor himself. "Now! Prepare to face the power of the Black-hole Maker! BM for short." Link looked around. He had one shot at stopping Vaati. If only he knew what to do, this might have been cool. He tossed his magic boomerang at Vaati. The black-hole sucked it downwards, causing it to hit the thin wire holding the crystals together.
In a bizarre stroke of luck, brilliance, and lack of ideas, the black-hole stopped. Link fell to the ground. Vaati's smile faded. He landed next to Link. "I... don't... believe this." He was clearly shocked, speaking in a monotone. "You just won't give up, will you?" He looked down at Link. "You won't give me just one chance at happiness. You always ruin my fun." Link rolled over and looked Vaati in the eyes.
"I don't try and ruin your fun, your evil plans, or your madNES." He took a moment to breath. "I just keep everyone safe." Vaati smiled.
"Well, I think you've done a good job of that." He held out his hand to Link. Link reached up and took it. Suddenly, he felt a shock of pain. Vaati laughed. "You idiot! I'm still gonna keep being evil! What did you think, you had stopped me for good?" He continued to laugh. "Man, you are stupid!" He walked off, cackling. Link stood up and looked back at the castle. He saw someone running at him. Zelda. He smiled.
"Zelda!" He ran to her and took her hand. She smiled.
"So is it finally over?" Link smiled and shook his head.
"Nah, he's gonna keep doing stupid things. He's far from over. I'd say he's got at least another four or five years left of stupidity and madNES." Link looked to where Vaati had disappeared. And smiled.
~Two weeks later~
Vaati walked to the gate of the castle. "YES! Finally!" He said, enthusiastically. "I can now capture the castle and put it under my control! I shall..." He looked over the gate. "Crap. I have no clue how to open this door." He sat down next to the wall. "Geez. My plans are really starting to suck. I-" He noticed something wedged between the bricks. "hey, what's this?" It was a yellow book. "Plot Twists for Dummies?"
Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in his head.