Promblems
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"I'm not doin' it, Jess."
"Yes, you are, Nick."
"No."
"Come onnnn."
::blank stare::
"Nick!"
"There is nothing you can say to get me to do this."
"….Sandwiches and sex."
…
"…..All right, I'm in. Let's do this. Prom thing."
What the hell does one wear to a high school prom you're chaperoning? Once again Nick reluctantly found himself in Schmidt's room asking for clothing help.
"Do I wear a tuxedo?"
"Nicholas, you are chaperoning a prom, not attending it."
"Soooo…yye…..no?"
Schmidt sighed. "No, you do not. You wear a crisp suit. One that hopefully has an Armani or Burberry or Gucci tag on it."
Nick frowned.
"Why do you look disappointed?"
"I just thought, maybe this was my chance to wear tuxedo pants. I'd wear the hell out of them too," Nick mumbled.
Schmidt did his best to hold back the smile trying to break to break through.
Nick rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Do I get Jess the flower bracelet thing?"
"Once again, Nick, you are not taking Jess to prom," Schmidt said exasperated. "You're babysitting a horde of out of control youths in a filthy gymnasium decorated with some haphazard paper streaming and balloons. Don't even get me started on the lighting for the event."
"You still mad Jess didn't ask you to help her decorate?"
"I had a theme and designs all ready," Schmidt replied indignantly. "Apparently 'Champagne wishes and caviar dreams' is too high class for a rundown no name city school."
"Jar."
Nick was on his way to Jess's school in the suit he had borrowed from Schmidt for Cece's failed wedding. Jess had left a few hours earlier to do final set-up stuff in the gym.
Sandwiches and sex. Sandwiches and sex.
That was Nick's mantra as he pulled at the tie around his neck. He glanced over at the uncomfortable dress shoes in the passenger seat he would soon have to squeeze on. At the moment he was driving in his socks.
::CLANK::
"Oh God." That was all he needed. He felt his car begin to slow down. He had ignored the slight stream of smoke that had begun to leak from the hood when he first took off but in hindsight that might not have been such a good idea.
"Come on. Come on, don't do this to me."
::SPUTTER::POP::
"Oh, don't make that noise at me. Come on, it's five more miles. Don't try and tell me you don't have five miles in you."
::BANG::WHIRR::CLUNK::SPUTTER::HISS::FIZZ::
As the car crawled to a dead stop, Nick leaned forward, and dropped his head to the wheel, the horn giving off a pathetic honk.
"…shit."
He contemplated his options. On the bright side this could be his shot at getting out of this God-awful favor. But on that same coin he'd be letting Jess down and every time she turns her big blue bambi eyes on him something inside him breaks.
Nick jolted away from the wheel as his cell phone buzzed in his pocket, the horn giving another forlorn honk from the movement.
"Nick, where are you?" Jess asked frantically.
Hey, Jess, my car's dead and I can't make it, really sorry, see you at home, I tried. Could I still get sandwiches and sex for the effort?...is what he should've said. What ended up coming out of his mouth was:
"I'm on my way, Jess. Five minutes. No problem."
"Thank goodness. The band hasn't showed up yet and some kids have already tried to spike the punch bowl, and I really need you here," she said, her voice heavy with stress.
"I'll be there, Jess. I promise." He wasn't going to bother mentioning the fact that his car no longer functioned and add to her stress.
"Thank you so much for doing this, Nick," her voice got lower. "This will be well worth it, I can guarantee it."
"Oh-ho-ho, naughty nurse," Nick smiled as he flipped his phone shut. But that smile dropped off as he looked up and heard a huge clap of thunder.
He stepped out of the car in his socks, not quite ready to put the dress shoes on. He glanced down the road to see if there were any cars coming.
"Mother f-" ::BOOM::
As the second clap of thunder sounded the rain began to fall. And this wasn't a gentle sprinkle. This was a friggin monsoon.
Within moments, Nick was soaked. The white dress shirt and navy suit pants clung to him uncomfortably as he saw some headlights headed towards him. He put his arm up, hoping to wave the car down, but to his horror he saw that it was not slowing.
There was no time to move and Nick could only close his eyes in horror as the car sped by, hitting a muddy puddle as it went, that sprayed up all over him.
"You have got to be kidding me."
Ten minutes later, sitting in the passenger seat of a limo that had stopped for him, he pulled up to the high school.
"Cheers, pal." Nick clinked the champagne bottle he had confiscated from the kids in the back with the one he had given to the driver. After taking a long swig, he took a deep breath and gathered up the suit jacket (he had luckily left it in the car so it wasn't wet), the pair of brown suit slacks he had found crumpled up in the back seat (the ones he wore to the wedding he had gone to with Jess as his fake girlfriend – the memory made him smile), and his dress shoes (he hadn't wanted to put his wet socks into the shoes and make himself even more uncomfortable).
"Yeah, yeah, go on, go on," he said to the kids whose booze he had taken, gesturing for them to move along into the gym. As they grumbled and walked passed him, Nick went in search of a bathroom to try and rinse off some of the mud that was caked on him.
He stepped out of the showers in the boy's locker room and dejectedly looked at his clothing options.
His white shirt was now brown so that wasn't an option. He had looked around the locker room and found a black t-shirt with the High School mascot of a wasp on it and realized it was the best he was gonna do. He had also found some ax body spray and seeing as he washed off his deodorant and would most likely be sweating heavily in the gym full of hormonal teenagers had begrudgingly sprayed the stupid stuff on himself.
He pulled on the alarmingly wrinkled brown slacks, leaving the soggy pair of boxer briefs with the navy pants on the floor. Sitting on the bench, he pulled on the dress shoes sans socks, since they were also soaked.
He knew he was in store for some major chaffage tonight. This material was not commando ready.
He sat with his head in his hands. Taking a deep breath and steeling himself for what was to come he stood up, grabbed the dry suit jacket and moved out of the locker room; making a large effort to avoid any mirrors on the way out.
"What are you wearing?" Jess practically shrieked. "What's that smell? Is that you? Why do you smell like an Abercrombie & Fitch store?"
Nick opened his mouth to answer but she cut him off.
"Never mind. There's bigger problems. We have no music! Shawn here," she indicated a tall kid in skinny jeans and a torn black t-shirt, "tells me the band broke up last night and now we have no music and they're probably going to fire me and I'll have no job and no future and this is a disaster."
Jess's eyes were all watery and she was touching her forehead which was a sure sign that she was stressed and on the verge of a breakdown. He pulled Jess closer to him and ran both hands up and down her arms, attempting to soothe her.
"I got this, Jess," he whispered to her.
He turned away from her quickly.
"Ok. Here's what we're gonna do. You, tall guy, front and center."
"It's Shane," the tall kid replied with attitude.
"Good for you. Is there a music department in the school?"
Shawn nodded.
"Here's what I need. Two speakers, a laptop, an extension cord, a bass box, any cords you see near this stuff, some duct tape, and a 30 pack of Heisler."
At Shawn's blank stare, Nick sighed, "All right, everything but the Heisler. Go!"
Shawn turned and trudged away, grabbing two other guys as he went.
Nick turned back to Jess who was looking him up and down in horror, getting a good look at his outfit for the first time.
"Jess-" before he could get anything out she had turned away without comment and was walking towards a group of students, assuring them music was on the way.
Well this chaperoning shit show was off to a bang up start.
20 minutes later, Nick and Shane or Sam or whatever had put together a makeshift DJ station that was currently pumping out the latest Taylor Bieber hit song.
Jess had given him an approving smile and kiss on the cheek before moving into the crowd to break apart a couple who was dancing way too nasty for someone in high school.
What was with kids these days? They're not even dancing to the beat; if you can call whatever the noise coming out of the speakers as a beat.
Nick watched Jess move the two kids apart and then had to hold back a smile as she brought both of the kids' arms to each other's shoulders in middle school dance style.
He let out a laugh when he saw the couple move back together even tighter than before as Jess walked away.
The laughter was short lived. From behind him, he heard the horrifying shriek of girlish giggles.
"Did you see her dress?"
"Oh my God, it was like, the ugliest thing I've, like, ever seen."
Nick crossed his arms and cringed as he slowly turned to look behind him. There was a group of four girls who were giggling and pointing at this other girl who was dancing with some dude.
It was clear the mean chicks were more upset that the girl was dancing with this dude instead of what her dress looked like.
High School girls are the worst.
Nick turned his back on the band of cackling hyenas, looking in the crowd for Jess when an indignant scream sounded from behind him. He flinched and turned again to see that the live action Mean Girls had gotten ugly.
"You ripped my dress!"
"It was, like, totally an accident."
"You liar, you, did it on purpose!"
"It was a fugly dress anyways. I think I improved it!"
This was escalating quickly and Nick was not in the mindset to step into a high school girl fight if things got physical. He did not want to add scratches and hair pulling to his night.
"All right, all right. You in the blue," he indicated the girl who appeared to be the leader of the little bitch pack. "How about you apologize, take your little mean girl group and run along. Or I can escort you out the gym and your precious little prom night will be over."
The chick in the blue dress turned to him and gave him the classic 'up and down.' Instead of what he thought (what he hoped) would be disgust at his appearance; she was suddenly cocking her hip and giving him some hooded eyes.
"Whatever you're thinking. Stop it," Nick said, giving blue dress his signature turtle face. He moved to put his arm around the girls back whose dress was ripped and began to lead her out of the gym. She was staring at the gym floor and he saw a few tears begin to drop.
Jesus, I'm not fit to handle shit like this!
He caught Jess's eye as he walked the crying girl out of the gym. She gave him a confused/concerned look which he responded with a reassuring nod of his head, mouthing, "I got this."
Instead of leading the girl to the bathrooms, which is what he wanted to do; for some unknown reason he was struck by an idea and began walking towards what looked like an art room he had passed on the way in the school.
"What's your name?"
"Christina," she answered softly.
"All right, Christina, you gotta roll with me on this one, okay?"
Her lips trembled slightly but she sniffed and nodded, following him into the art room. He did a quick survey of the room and found the two things he needed.
The girl's dress had been ripped from the bottom all the way to her hip. She had clutched the ripped skirt together in modesty as they had walked out. It was a black strapless dress with a thick line of fabric at her waist where the skirt flowed out from.
"All right, is it ok if I do something here?" He indicated her dress and the pair of scissors he had in his hand.
Christina nodded in approval and he went to work.
5 minutes later, Christina happily walked back into the gym on the arm of her date.
"Did you just do a Nick Miller fix-it on that girl's dress?" Jess had come up next to him as he stood in the entrance to the gym.
"No fancy fix needed," he replied smugly.
"Where did you get the ribbon to weave through the dress?"
"The art room."
He met Jess's eye and she was biting her lip in way that he knew oh so well. Her eyes darted to his lips and he began to lean towards her when there was a sudden shout.
"Ms. Day! There's no more cheese and crackers!"
Jess closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Be right there, Jason," she shouted back.
She opened her eyes and gave him an apologetic look before turning away and moving towards the snack table.
Nick watched her go mournfully then ran a hand down his face before smacking both cheeks to rev himself up for another round of chaperoning.
Two and a half hours left. You can do this, Nick.
An hour later, Nick spotted Jess dancing with a gangly red-headed boy. She laughed freely and seemed to be genuinely enjoying herself. She caught Nick's eye and gave him a grin and a wink. Her grin suddenly fell off at something else that had caught her eye. He followed her eye line and saw she was looking at a girl who was sitting alone in the chairs that lined the wall of the gymnasium.
Nope. No. Not gonna happen. Not doin it. I don't care how much sandwiches and sex she offers. I will not do that.
He looked over at the girl again only to see Jess was now sitting with her arm around the girl.
Nick ground his teeth together in a cringe, knowing what he was inevitably going to do.
He slowly trudged in their direction. He could feel the sweat begin to make his sockless feet move uncomfortably in the dress shoes.
"Come with me."
Jess and the girl, who was blonde and wore a light pink dress with sequins, looked up in surprise.
"What?" the girl said timidly.
"Please, just stand up and dance with me," he grumbled.
Jess sucked in her lips, clearly trying to hold back a smile. The girl took in Nick's attire with a look of confused curiosity, then she looked to Jess, who nodded in encouragement.
"Okay." The girl stood and Nick led her out to the dance area of the gym. He glanced behind him and saw Jess leaning with her elbows on her knees, chin in hand, a smile on her face.
Six girls and 8 songs later, Nick flopped down into a chair. He wanted nothing more than to take off the damn shoes and burn them in a glorious ceremony of dress shoe hatred. The familiar scent of Jess's perfume wafted over to him as she sat down in the chair next to him.
"Wow, you'd do anything for sex and sandwiches, huh Mr. I-don't-dance-I'm-from-that-town-in-Footloose-Mill er."
Nick didn't respond, but met her eyes and gave her a small smile.
It was more like he'd do anything for her.
"Would-"Jess's question got cut off as the sounds of Slayer came over the speaker.
"Shawn! I said no death metal!" She yelled as she quickly walked away from him towards the 'DJ station.' He watched her go but then spotted the chick in the blue dress making a bee-line for him. He had been dodging her all night and he was starting to get real creeped out.
"Hi, Mr. Chaperone. I saw you dancing with those sad pathetic girls who came to the prom alone. It was really cute of you, you're so sweet, aren't you."
He stared at her blankly.
"So, listen, I've like ditched my date, so what do you-"
"Oh, wow look at that, there's a bat in the gym, probably has super rabies, please get away from me, ok bye," once again Nick's lack of lying skills made him look like an idiot, but he was beyond caring as he practically sprinted to get away from crazy blue dress.
There was only a half hour left of the Prom from Hell and Nick was literally counting the seconds. He was standing near a group of guys he had spotted earlier; several of them had been in the limo he had taken the champagne from. They were clearly doing something shifty and Nick had debated letting it go but then saw that two of them appeared to be swaying on their feet and he knew that stance all too well. One of the swayers was starting to get aggressive with another kid and Nick looked to the ceiling.
Why me?
Of course the night wasn't going to just end quietly and he'd be done and could go home to his bed with his girl and his sandwich. What was he thinking?!
"Dude, give it back!"
"Fuck you, it's mine!"
"Come get it motherfucker!"
He stepped up to the group and pushed the swaying kid away from the one whose face he had been in.
"All right guys, I don't care whose it is, just give me the flask, I won't say anything and there won't be any problems."
The group of guys just stared at him blankly.
"Hey, I'm not a dummy. I can smell it. Jack Daniels, with a little bit of coke in it. Ya ninnys."
The aggressive swayer spoke up. "I don't know what you're talkin' bout, dude."
Nick was starting to get frustrated. Well no, he had been frustrated the minute Jess demanded he come to this stupid thing. Now he was getting pissed off.
"Listen pal, I'll give you one more shot. Gimmie the flask."
"You're Ms. Day's boyfriend, right?" This came from swayer number two.
"Don't do it, whatever you want to say right now, don't."
The stupid drunk kid smirked. "She's hot man. We got a bet goin-"
"Listen, I've never hit a kid in high school before," Nick said.
"Do it, motherfucker," the kid slurred. "Let's go right now."
Nick was practiced in the ways of the drunk asshole from his many years as a bartender and this kid clearly just wanted to fight someone. That's why, instead of decking the kid, he just rolled his eyes at the antagonistic behavior.
Unfortunately, Jess had seen the obvious confrontation developing and was making her way over to their little pow-wow.
"Dude, just give him the flask," one of the other, obviously more sober kids spoke up.
"Fuck you Smith, why don't you blow me."
"Fuck you, Parker!"
The hammered kid suddenly launched himself at the one who had spoken up just as Jess had walked up to the group.
"Parker! Jay! Stop it!" She yelled as she went to move into the melee.
Before she got any closer, Nick had grabbed her around the waist and pulled her away.
"I'll handle this, Jess!" He yelled.
A group had gathered and chants of 'Fight!' had begun.
Nick moved to pull Parker off of Jay when a wild elbow caught him below the eye.
"Son of a bitch," he grunted has he wrapped both arms around Parker's torso and hauled him away and out of the gym. With one eye open he saw Jess on her phone and the other kids in the original group of guys helping the kid named Jay up.
10 minutes later, after Parker's parents had picked the drunk kid up, Nick sat with Jess holding a handful of punch-stained ice cubes against his eye.
"Well I think I can safely say this has been the craziest prom I've ever been to."
Nick could only grimace as Jess pressed the ice a bit too hard against his bruised cheek.
"Is it over yet?" He asked.
Jess was about to reply when a girl in a short yellow dress came running up.
"Ms. Day! Britney won't come out of the bathroom because Lisa said that she heard Jared say that Mike didn't-"
"I get it, Sara," Jess interrupted as she stood. "Sorry, Nick. I'll take care of this. You can cut the music in ten minutes and we'll start ushering them out of here."
She gave him an apologetic smile and handed him the ice cubes, before following the spastic yellow dress girl away.
10 minutes. He could last 10 minutes.
"Mr. Chaperone! Oh my god what did that asshole do to your face!"
Oh sweet Jesus, blue dress was back. Nick could only stare at the gym floor blankly as the girl sat in the chair Jess had just been in, vanquishing Jess's subtle cinnamon scent with an overpowering wave of sickeningly sweet flowers, it almost made him gag.
After 20 seconds of her inane babbling, he couldn't take it anymore.
"Listen, blue dress. You gotta get away from me. It's taking a lot of effort for me to be nice right now. Please, for the love of God, go away."
The girl looked put out and with a huff and a final disgusted, "asshole," she click-clacked away on her 5 inch heels.
Nick breathed a sigh of relief.
9 minutes to go.
Nick watched as Jess walked the last couple out of the gym, waving goodbye then pulling the door shut with a clang. She turned around and leaned her back against the door in exhaustion. Her eyes slowly opened and landed on him. He began walking towards her, bringing the champagne bottle he had hid in the locker room earlier. She met him in the middle of the 'dance floor' with a small tired smile on her face.
"That's a nice dress," he said as he handed her the bottle. It was a one-shoulder flowy dress that went to her knees with blue and white swirls on it.
She took a long pull of the champagne. "I am never chaperoning a dance again. I swear. Field trips, dances, whatever, my kids are on their own."
Nick smiled, keeping the little jolt he felt at her mentioning her future kids, to himself.
"What happened to you?" She asked, indicating his clothes.
He shook his head."Murphy's Law, right."
Jess gave a small laugh and took another sip of champagne.
"Let's go home, Miller," she looked tired and still kind of sad, the stress of the night still obviously on her mind.
"Wait. Wait, there's something I wanna do. Just wait her for a second, okay?" She looked confused as he moved towards his makeshift DJ station.
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from where did you go…
Nick saw Jess burst out laughing and put her head in her hands. He grinned and turned back to the laptop searching the music library for a certain song. Smiling in satisfaction when he found it, he pressed play and began walking back to Jess.
Now I've had the time of my life…
Jess's smile became something very different as she heard the first verse of the song come through the speakers. It was a smile he found was reserved exclusively for him. And it baffled him as much as it elated him. That this amazing woman would think he was worth a special smile like that.
He didn't say a word as he held out his hand. Instead of taking his hand, the look in her eye became mischievous as she handed him the champagne bottle and he laughed as he understood the implication. Taking a sip, he slowly tilted his head back, keeping his eyes on her as he gargled the champagne.
She laughed softly as she closed her eyes and playfully shivered. Nick put down the champagne bottle and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her flush up against him. He gently took her left hand and brought it up to rest on his chest. Jess leaned her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, exhaling heavily as they moved together to the music.
They swayed contentedly even as the song picked up in tempo. Nick turned his head and kissed her forehead as the song began to fade. He thought she was half asleep but then she spoke up.
"So, you want to freak?"
Nick laughed. "Yes I would, Day."
All in all he didn't think this chaperoning thing was too bad.
fin.
AN: It was tough call for the final song. Between "Time of your life," and "Groovy kind of love." At this point in the relationship they haven't said 'I love you,' yet so that's why I went with Dirty Dancing.
Italics are thoughts and lyrics.