I wrote this out longhand as I was falling asleep last night. Just an idea that wouldn't leave me alone.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Malcolm Reynolds will never admit it but he wishes it had been him that day. He'd gladly take Wash's place, if only he could. Anything, he'd give it all, if it meant healing Zoe's broken heart. Unfortunately, there is yet to be a power in the 'verse that can resurrect a man from his grave. So, they hold.
They all see it but he's the only one to recognize it's depth. Zoe puts up a strong front and only those who truly know the warrior woman recognize her grief. With Wash gone it seems he's the only one who does. He knows her, better than Wash ever did, and maybe that's why her grief pains him so.
He knows the soldier. Zoe Alleyne. The stealth who didn't flinch when she took a bullet, who avenged herself twice over.
He knows the woman. The ephemeral being who shook his entire foundation for three years after they escaped the prison camp.
He knows the best friend. The woman who never left him when he fell behind, who guided Kaylee, and mothered River. The best friend who made his bruised and battered ship a home.
He knows the wife. Zoe Washburne. The woman who fell for the annoyingly boyish pilot of their makeshift, ever moving homestead. He saw how her guard was lowered; the way she finally allowed herself to laugh easily, love completely, and dream of a children filled future.
And now, Captain Malcolm Reynolds knows Zoe the Widow. His grief stricken second in command who tries to pretends that the pain isn't an all consuming fire. The widow who walks the bridge at night unable to sleep alone in a bed made for two. Zoe, who takes unnecessary risks and freely puts herself in danger on every mission.
So, Mal doesn't feel too guilty when he curses his former pilot's soul to the deepest level of the special hell, "Gorramit, Wash, you weren't supposed to leave her."
He sits in his chair cursing the ghost until River pulls him from his thoughts. Serenity can only survive one distraught soul at a time and River insists that it's Zoe's turn.
"Serenity doesn't want Cap'n to die. Serenity misses Wash. Doesn't want to miss Cap'n too."
He wonders if these are his ships feelings or if River is using Serenity to express herself. Either way, he tries to reassure her, "I'm not going to die, Little One, I just wish Wash wasn't dead so Zoe wouldn't be so sad."
"Wash wants that too," River speaks as if she talks to the dead man all the time, "but Wash believes Captain will make Zoe shiny again."
"What?"
He seeks an explanation but receives none. River has become enraptured by an alert on the Cortex. That leaves him pondering over the information River had passed on. It takes him a long while before he figures out what she meant.
Pilot and captain were as different as night and day. One thing united them. Love. Love for Zoe and Serenity.
At passing,Wash knew piloting would become Mal's job. He knew his captain loved Serenity as much, more really, than Wash ever could.
The same knowledge applied to the Warrior Woman they had loved so deeply. She had chosen Wash but with him dead it fell to the remaining man to fix her before she keened . Keep her in the sky. To make her shiny again.