Disclaimer: If the first fic didn't get me shot on sight, this one will, since it's hardly even funny. The world would be a truly grim place if I actually did own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The Result of Negligence

Now when he had left his family behind, Hoenheim has sworn it was for good reason, that they were strong and would be able to continue on without him. But when he started hearing stories of the "Fullmetal Ah-chemist" he felt chills at the result of his negligence.

It was clear something had to be done.

Hoenheim had raised his son to have certain principles, none of which included literally kissing up to his superior officer. So there was no doubt in his mind that this was a heinous plot. And there was only one woman he knew who specialized in plots such as that.

Sitting down at the desk provided in his room at the inn, he felt the chills getting worse. He was about to do something he hadn't done in years. He was about to go against all of his morals. He was about to ruin his reputation entirely!

Hoenheim was going to write a letter.

His hand was shaking, ink splattering on the desk. He hadn't done this in so long…Taking a deep breath to gather his resolve he dipped the pen in the ink well once again, took a new sheet of paper, prayed the general public would never find out, and began to write.

Dear Dante, he began.

How have you been? Isn't the weather lovely this year? He paused for a moment, wondering if such pleasantries were allowed when writing to your ex-lover, much less a psychotic, hell-bent on having eternal life one.

Ah well, he sighed to himself. He didn't think he had the strength to try and start again.

Dante, while I understand that I am an incredibly attractive man, no matter which body I inhabit, he paused again. Did that sound a little too vain? But really, when it was the truth, was it really vanity? And moreover, when the person the letter was being addressed to agreed with you, you couldn't possibly go wrong saying it, could you?

-it is simply unfair to take out your pent up sexual frustrations on my son. I have yet to ascertain exactly what it is you did, but rest assured when I do, if I have no yet received a full apology and solemn vow to never do it again, I will have no choice but to take drastic measures. Not that he was really big on doing anything drastic. The body snatching deal was quite enough drama for one…two…twenty…lifetimes.

I hope that you will take my warning and concern to heart. I'd hate for our next meeting to me under less than peaceful circumstances.

Sincerely,

Hoenheim of Light Elric

Feeling he had done all that was required of him, Hoenheim let the ink dry, folded it up and mailed it off, trying his best not to notice as the postman did a double take at the name on the return address.

It was only when two weeks later that those irritating chills returned full force.

Damn you Hoenheim, the letter began. And doesn't the greeting set the tone for the rest of the letter's contents?

Do you really think I would be so petty as to slip your son an extra strength aphrodisiac? I am not so lightly amused. Or so she claimed. But he knew better. She always seemed to "forget" the salt shaker caterpillar incident.

If I were to involve myself with either of your sons, I would hardly do something so petty and juvenile. However, you seem to be forgetting one very important person who is not above such actions: our son- not to mention the rest of the homunculi. If you really have a problem, talk to them.

Further more, if I were going to slip him an aphrodisiac, I'd hardly let the Flame Alchemist reap the benefits. Actually, now that I mention it, that's a good idea…

Looking Forward To Killing You,

Dante

That settled it.

He hoped Ed and Al wouldn't punch him on sight.

Hoenheim was going to Risembool.

Author's Notes: If I thought the first one was bad, this one takes the cake. It's not even funny. But I suppose we can take comfort that it's not as tacky as the first one…also, I admit that I'm slightly concerned that the whole "Fullmetal Ah-chemist" was something I read somewhere else and took without giving the proper credit…I thought I had come up with it, but now in hindsight, I'm not as sure. –sighs- Well, if I did take that from somewhere, sorry. If not, ignore everything I just said. And if you're really bored, pass the time by reviewing. Or flaming. Whichever. Both are welcome. Only one deserved. Also, pardon any spelling errors on my part. Remo