Watching Olivia lose control was amazing and frightening at the same time.

She was drunk and dancing with some friends of Fin's. He watched her for a minute, seeing a side of her he'd never seen before. She was laughing…and he watched her, rarely seeing her unguarded like this before. He liked to think that maybe she'd been this carefree at some point in her life, or that she could have been if the circumstances of her life had been different.

He had seen her a little tipsy…maybe even flirting with drunkenness, but only in a few circumstances. Her need for control meant those times were few and far between. And when she did throw caution to the wind, it was only because she knew Elliot had her back.

But not this time. This time, Elliot was the last person she wanted to see.

Which is what scared the hell out of him. She had purposefully gone to Fin's party without him and had obviously wasted no time getting drunk. And while she trusted Fin nearly as much as him…it was totally uncharacteristic of her.

"Hey man." Fin walked up to where he was standing in the foyer, hidden from view from most of the partygoers. He had his hands up, palms open. "You have to go." He nodded towards the door at Elliot's back.

Elliot held his ground. "You invited me to the party."

"Well, now you're uninvited. Liv doesn't want you here."

"She said that?"

"As a matter of fact…she did."

Elliot shook his head. He knew she had been pissed today when they argued…when she had turned her back on him and left the squad room. But that's what they did. They fought and raged and then went to their respective corners. They cooled off, licked their wounds, and then got over it. They didn't bring it up or rehash it. They put it in the past and moved forward, forgiving each other for their biting comments and nasty jabs.

But deep down, he knew today had been different. He had crossed the line. He had seen it on her face as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Her body language changed, and he had watched a look of pain flash across her face. Then...in an eerily calm voice…she told him to fuck off. And then she turned and left.

He should have gone after her. He should have apologized. But he hadn't, hoping that she would cool down if he gave her some time and space. Pretending that it wasn't different than the millions of other times they'd fought.

He'd made a mistake.

"You really think you can just show up here like nothing happened?" Fin had been in the squad room today. "You're an asshole and she's tired of your shit. She's blowing off some steam."

"She's drunk."

"Damn straight." Fin said, crossing his arms in front of him.

Elliot knew Fin would pick Olivia over him every day, but he needed to talk Fin into letting him stay.

"I just…" He needed to choose his next few words carefully. "I'll stay away from her. I won't even talk to her. I just want to make sure she's OK."

"You saying you don't think I'm watching out for her?" Fin was almost as fiercely protective of Olivia as he was. They all were. "Everyone here knows she's off-limits."

"Fin." Elliot could hear the pleading in his voice, hoping he would relent. He looked over Fin's shoulder and he could see Olivia was still dancing with the same guy, whose arm was looped loosely around her waist and drifting way too close to her ass for his liking. "If she's off limits, why does that guy have his hand on her ass?"

Fin didn't even turn around, which pissed Elliot off. He stood there with his lips pressed together, glaring at Elliot. "I'm done talking to you. Get the fuck out."

The music ended just as Fin spoke, and they drew the attention of everyone in the other room. He saw Olivia turn, her smile turning into an expression of anger almost instantaneously.

"Olivia." Elliot yelled out, hoping she would come over to talk to him…to yell at him…to slap him in the face. Anything to get her over here so he could get past Fin and get her out of here.

He could see that her eyes were slightly glazed…and she was covered in a light sheen of sweat from the dancing and the warmth of the room. She glared at him from where she stood, despite others moving around her, and he wondered what was going through her mind right now.

Then he saw a small smile play across her lips and he felt a shimmer of hope; maybe she'd go with him willingly and he could get her home safely.

But his hopes were dashed as she grabbed a bottle of something dark from the hands of someone standing near her, brought it to her lips, and took a long drink. She swiped her hand across her mouth when she was done, gave him another small smile, and then turned her back to him as she set the bottle down. The music had started again as he had watched the scene play out, and Olivia began dancing with the people next to her…never looking back.

Elliot watched for a second, overcome with an urge to push his way past Fin and the crowd in the next room, throw her over his shoulder and carry her out of there.

The man that Olivia had been dancing with when he first walked in was coming across the room now, and he sidled up to stand next to Fin. He was imposing…standing several inches taller than Elliot, and was obviously a fan of the gym. He crossed his arms, mimicking Fin's stance.

"Is there a problem here?" he asked, looking between Fin and Elliot.

"No problem." Fin said. "He was just leaving."

Elliot knew he had lost the battle. He started to turn towards the door, but before he had turned completely, his eyes connected with Fin's. "Make sure she gets home safely…"

Fin nodded and then Elliot slammed the door behind him.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia watched as Elliot left and she smiled again, happy that Fin had listened to her and hadn't let Elliot into his apartment. She had seen the anger in Elliot's stance…in the set of his jaw…and she was glad. Self-righteous son-of-a-bitch didn't get his way this time.

Part of her wished Fin had let him in. Just so she would have had the chance to walk up to him and slap him hard across the face. He had earned it.

Olivia, you don't know what it's like to love someone like that. To be willing to give your life for them.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

She did know. She did.

She did it every damned day.

He should have known…he should know. The fact that he could say something like that to her…cut her so deeply and walk away...

Olivia, you don't know what it' like to love someone like that.

Olivia shook her head, trying to erase his words.

"Fuck you Elliot." She said, to no one in particular. She picked up the bottle again and took another drink. She wanted to forget…

Forget how anxious she was to get to work every day just to see him.

Forget how great it felt to be walking together, side-by-side, in perfect sync.

Forget how he always ordered fries so she could steal a few off his plate.

Forget those electric blue eyes and that smile…

She took another drink. Screw him. It was clear he didn't know that she'd spent a large part of the last seven years falling in love with him…and that he didn't feel the same way.

She need to just forget.

She saw Fin walking towards her and she put the bottle down.

"You OK Liv?" He asked, looking down at the bottle and back up at her.

"I'm fine." She said. "And thanks." She nodded her head towards the door.

"No problem." Fin hesitated a second. "You want to talk?"

Olivia broke into a smile. The idea of Fin being her shoulder to cry on was hilarious, and she could see he was scared to death that she may actually take him up on his offer. She shook her head, and she lost her balance, swaying on her feet as dizziness overtook her.

Fin put a hand on her shoulder to steady her. "Maybe you should take it easy."

"I don't need anyone else telling me what to do." Olivia said, brushing his hand off her arm. She knew she shouldn't be such a bitch to Fin. He was her friend…he had kept Elliot out.

Elliot.

"Liv…" Fin said, impatience in his voice.

She smiled. "I'm fine." She had regained her footing and the light-headedness was gone. She was feeling just fine. Great, as a matter of fact.

She was numb…she didn't feel anything.

She wasn't going to waste any more time on someone that didn't feel the same way she did.

She didn't need anyone.

She most certainly didn't need him.

She swiped angrily at a tear that had escaped from her lower lashes.

No, she didn't feel anything.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot sat on his couch…he paced the room…he texted Olivia. By 2AM, he was telling her that he knew he was a son-of-a-bitch but could she please just text him back and let him know that she was home safely.

He trusted Fin to keep an eye on her…but Olivia was strong willed. She didn't let people tell her what to do and he could see her telling Fin to mind his own fucking business.

He didn't think she'd try to do anything stupid…like try to get home on her own. She knew the risks. But she also thought she was goddamned invincible. That no one would mess with Badass Benson. Problem was…when she was drunk she wasn't such a badass.

Goddamnit. He launched himself off the couch for the 100th time that night.

Another thought stopped him cold. What if someone besides Fin had brought her home. What if someone at the party had talked his way into her apartment…had kissed her senseless…had taken her to bed? He could imagine her…all big eyes and soft curves and long legs. Any man's dream. She was too drunk to consent…but it wouldn't matter. No man would be able to resist her.

He couldn't sit in his apartment for one more minute.

He swiped his keys off the small table in the foyer, and reached for his gun. He thought better of it, and set his gun back down on the table. With the mood he was in, he was likely to use it if he found some smooth-talking man had wormed his way into her apartment and her bedroom.

The apartment door slammed behind him as he stormed down the hallway. He was at Olivia's apartment building in ten minutes and luckily found a spot to park just half a block down. He used the key she had given him to let himself in the lobby and practically ran the four floors up to her apartment. When he reached her door, he paused, willing himself to calm down.

He knocked…more loudly than he intended…and waited. As expected, she didn't answer. He knocked again, yelling her name. He was once again met with silence and his annoyance ratcheted up. He pounded more loudly and yelled her name again…wondering if any of the neighbors were calling the police right now, complaining about the lunatic yelling in the hallway at 3AM.

He fingered the key in his hand, waging an internal debate about letting himself in. He told himself that most likely she was passed out inside…totally oblivious to his pounding on the door. He would just let himself in and make sure she was safely in bed…alone. Or that she wasn't lying on the cold tile of the bathroom. She would never even know he was there.

He slid the key into the lock and turned the knob, poking his head into the apartment. There was a single light on in the kitchen and he listened for any sign of life. He didn't hear a word and he slipped inside, closing the door behind him. He debated calling out her name but decided against it as he walked quietly across her living room towards her bedroom door.

He knew he was crossing a big fucking line by letting himself into her apartment…even more so by planning to trespass into her bedroom. But his concern for her welfare trumped any abuse he would suffer at her hands.

He stopped when he saw her bedroom door was open. He hesitated for only a second before he poked his head inside. The ambient light from the kitchen let him see into her room, and he saw her bed was untouched.

"Olivia?" He finally dared to call out her name as he flipped on the light. He strode to the bathroom, but it was clear she wasn't here. He sat down on the edge of her bed as a whole new set of concerns crossed his mind.

He had been fairly certain Fin would get her home. That he would find her here, passed out in her bed. He would lock up her apartment and go home and crawl into bed…finally able to sleep knowing she was safe and sound.

Now…he had no idea what to do.

He wanted to say fuck it…she was a grown woman and she could do whatever the hell she wanted. That whatever trouble she got herself into was because of the choices she'd made tonight.

It wasn't his problem and he didn't care.

But it was his problem. Because he knew that the reason she had decided to go off the deep end tonight was mostly, if not completely, his fault.

And he did care…more than he should. More than she knew. Because he was a spineless asshole and had been too afraid to tell her just what she meant to him.

Elliot pulled out his phone and checked his messages. He hadn't really expected any, but his anger spiked when he confirmed his suspicions. He pulled up her number on speed dial and hit the call button, knowing there was zero chance she would pick up. He hung up in anger when some female voice told him her mailbox was full.

No shit. She must have twenty messages from him alone.

He pushed up off her bed, trying to figure out his next move. She could be anywhere in this damn city, but the best place to start was where his evening had begun. Fin's place.

Before he left, he scribbled a hasty note and left it on the counter. Just in case they crossed paths. He locked the door behind him and headed back to Fin's.

He cursed as he wove through traffic, having to take a small detour due to an accident. By the time he found a place to park and got to Fin's building, it was almost 4AM. He wondered what time the party had ended. For all he knew, it could still be in full swing. He was happy to find that the main door to the building was wedged open and he wondered if that was for easy access for the partygoers. He took the elevator to the 11th floor and was at Fin's door in seconds. He raised his hand to knock when the door opened, and a man came stumbling out, a beautiful woman wrapped around his body. He was kissing her neck and she was laughing and they knocked into him as they exited the apartment. Neither one of them looked up, and Elliot caught the door, poking his head into the apartment.

From this angle, he could see directly into Fin's kitchen, and he could see the counters were lined with empty liquor bottles and beer cans, plastic glasses and plates and half empty trays of food. There were ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts. There wasn't anyone in the kitchen, but he could hear the music playing low, and the murmur of voices from the next room. He opened the door a little more…just enough to slip his body inside the door… until he was standing in the foyer. He closed the door quietly behind him and hesitated, not sure what his next move was going to be.

He didn't have time to make a decision though before he heard footsteps, and saw Fin walk into the kitchen. He must have caught movement out of the corner of his eye because he turned, catching sight of Elliot. Fin shook his head. "And just what the fuck are you doin' here?"

"Liv's not home. Is she still here?"

"You just don't fuckin' listen man. Get out."

Elliot shook his head. Fin wasn't going to make him leave this time. "Is she here?" Elliot walked into the apartment, headed left into the living room. His eyes circled the room, but he didn't see her sitting amongst the small group of people sitting on the couches and chairs. The music was still playing softly in the background, and there were just as many empty bottles and cans in this room. "Have you seen Olivia?" he asked the woman sitting closest to him.

She gave him a drowsy look. "Who?"

Fin had followed him, and grabbed his arm. "Shit Stabler. Knock it off." He dropped his hand. "OK, she's here." He said begrudgingly. "Now will you leave?"

Elliot breathed out a sigh of relief. She was here. But he still wouldn't rest until she was tucked into her apartment, locked up safe and sound. "Where?" His eyes scanned the room again. "I'm taking her home."

"Are you dense? She doesn't want you anywhere near her."

Elliot ignored her and started walking down the hall, where he saw closed doors that he assumed led to bedrooms. "Is she in one of these rooms?" He opened the door to his immediate left and saw a large man lying in the bed, completely naked with his body draped over a woman. He couldn't see her very well as she was partially covered with a blanket and his body, but he saw a head of dark hair.

"Son of a bitch." He knew Fin wasn't keeping his eye on her. Before he could charge in the room, Fin grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards.

"She's in my room."

It took a moment for the words to register. He could have sworn it was Olivia in that bed. But now that he looked more closely, he could see it couldn't be her. This woman had pale skin…

Fin tugged him back into the hallway and closed the door. Fin pointed to the door across the hall and shook his head, walking away in disgust. Elliot didn't waste any time opening Fin's bedroom door, wondering what he would find on the other side.

He saw a king-sized bed that practically took up the entire room…and no Olivia. He stepped into the room, and saw a foot sticking out from behind the bed. He quickly circled the bed and saw Olivia lying in a tangled heap on the floor. She appeared to be out cold.

Elliot tried to wedge himself between her and the bed but there was no room. He placed one foot on each side of her torso, and tried to figure out the best way to pick her up. There was no way to do it tactfully or gently, but he doubted she would complain…or even know. He scooped her up in his arms and headed out of the room. He saw Fin as he walked into the living room.

"How could you let her get this drunk?" he asked, his tone accusatory

"She's a grown woman." Fin followed him to the door. "She's gonna be pissed when she wakes up."

"That's my problem." Elliot said, turning slightly so he could angle them out the door. He was glad that Fin hadn't tried to step in again and stop him from carrying her out. He didn't want to have to get physical with him. If he'd had to, it wouldn't be pretty because he was pissed that Fin had let her get this drunk and hadn't let him intervene earlier.

He made it into the elevator, and then struggled to get her into the back seat of his car. Once he had her buckled in, it took him to another half hour to get to her apartment. And then he had to do the whole thing in reverse.

Olivia wasn't a heavy person, but she was tall and completely dead to the world and he was breathing heavily by the time he reached her apartment. He had to hold her between his body and the wall to get the door unlocked, and he kicked the door closed behind him once he was inside. He made his way through the dark room until he got to her bedroom.

He laid her gently on the bed…and she didn't make a sound. He lifted her legs and pulled down the comforter, prepared to tuck her legs under the covers. He looked at her jean clad legs and debated taking them off to make her more comfortable. Then he decided against it. She was already pissed at him…and would be even more so when she learned that he had dragged her unconscious body out of Fin's. No way she was going to wake up undressed.

He covered her up and leaned over her, but she was still out.

"I'm sorry Liv." He whispered. "What I said today…" He felt like such an asshole. He didn't know why he'd said it. Why he thought it was okay to say things like that to her, and just expect her to take it. Year after year.

Was he so scared of his own feelings that he purposefully tried to drive a wedge between them? Was he so afraid of rejection that he forced her to be the one to push him away?

He owed her an apology. He owed her a million apologies.

Elliot slipped out of the room and closed the door. He paused just outside, trying to decide what to do next. If he left, there was a really good chance she'd never let him in the door again. He wouldn't have a chance to talk to her…to really apologize…for everything. And to tell her how he felt about her.

If he stayed, it was highly likely she'd kick him out anyways. Or punch him in the face.

Either way, he deserved it.

He walked into her living room and stretched out on the couch, just as the first light of day was brightening the sky. He closed his eyes, wondering what the day would bring.