Disclaimer: Even though he doesn't deserve it, "Torchwood" and all related characters belong to Russell T. Davies and the BBC. "All Around Me" belongs to Flyleaf.
AN: This is the only public acknowledgement I'll make of the canonicity of COE. I had planned to use this song for something else, but after listening to it soon after finishing COE, it fit how I thought Jack would feel. Also, if anything is strangely phrased, it's due to lack of sleep.
Hands groped the space beside him out of habit, only to come up empty. For a desperate moment, Captain Jack Harkness believed that if he stretched out a little further, his hands would gently brush against Ianto Jones, reassuring him that the last month had only been a nightmare, that none of it was real. This failed, as it always did, leaving him feeling even more alone than he already was.
"Do you want coffee with that, sir?" a random waiter at some random café in some random city asked him later that morning. Jack only shook his head. Coffee reminded him too much of Ianto, and the pleasure he took in brewing the perfect cup. In the early days of his journey, he had made the mistake of ordering a cup, nearly dropping it when he felt the phantom touch of Ianto's hand lingering on his fingertips.
Later, walking through the city streets, he stopped to let some children playing soccer race past him to chase a ball. He felt a familiar surge of anger, directed at the government, at the 456, but most of all at himself. He wondered time and time again if events would have played out differently in 1965, Ianto would be with him now instead of in the Torchwood morgue.
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning, I'm not used to seeing you
Later that day, toward the evening, Jack wandered into a bar. It was a rough looking place, dark, full of smoke, and reeking of bad alcohol. "Beer, please," Jack ordered, wishing he could get drunk like he used to. It would take away the pain, at least for a little while. He had planned on enjoying his drink in silence, but he was interrupted by a body flying into him and knocking him into the bar. Glancing behind him, he saw a bar fight was going on full swing. He dove in manically, wishing for the next death to be the last one.
That night while walking to find a place to sit down for a few short hours before moving on, he leaned against a wall and let sobs overtake him. He wept for Suzie, for Tosh, for Owen, for Steven, for Ianto. He could feel their spirits hovering around him, a reminder that he had failed to save all of them, and that he was alive while they weren't.
I'm alive
I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air
I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
"I love you." Ianto's dying words continued to haunt him and he cursed his inability to return them. All he could do was promise he wouldn't forget the Welshman who had wandered into his life. Did Ianto know that Jack loved when he died? Jack had died with the bittersweet comfort that Ianto loved him, but did Ianto have that comfort?
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
A month later saw him in a different city, on a different continent, surrounded by the bustle of color and music he hoped he could drown himself in. The music made him feel more connected with Ianto. Part of what Jack had loved about Ianto was the Welsh he would sing in when he thought no one was there to overhear him. The language of this place wasn't Welsh by a long shot, but the occasional quiet, heartfelt song would take Jack back to happier times.
As the evening wore on, people began to disperse from the town plaza where the music had been performed until it was only him and the singer. The singer performed one last song, one that drew tears to his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered hoarsely to the singer, who only bobbed his head and scurried away from the tearful Immortal.
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I'm alive
I'm alive
"I see them, you know," a man had said to Jack in the street one day. It was cold and rainy, much like the city he had left behind months before. "The ones you carry in your soul." Jack stared at the man, whose eyes were old before their time. "They'll always be there," the man cautioned, seeing that Jack was getting ready to leave the corner where they were standing. "Don't think you can outrun them."
"I can try," Jack replied tiredly as he moved on.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
A knife slid into him, and once again, he hoped against all hope that this would be the final time. The familiar white light appeared as he gave a cry of pain, falling to the dirty floor. "Ianto…" he gasped out as he spied the figure who haunted him most of all in the midst of the light. He reached for Ianto's hand, desperate to make contact…
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you
He woke with a gasp, like he always did when he resurrected. I'm alive, he thought bitterly, cursing Rose Tyler for making him like this. Most people would view his inability to die as a blessing, but to him it was a curse. It separated him from those he loved and caused more harm than good.
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
Six months passed and he couldn't escape the pain on Earth, so he did the only thing he could: He left the planet he had grown to love over his centuries here. It was too small and too full of reminders of his many failings over the years. He ignored Gwen's pleadings for him to stay, telling himself that if he remained, he would put her and her unborn child at risk as well. He had to save what little remained of his family.
"I wish you could see this, Ianto," he said one day as he looked out at the vast expanse of stars in front of him. He had always hoped one day to open up Ianto's eyes to the wonders of the universe, much like the Doctor had to him, but now it was too late. Even with the ever-present weight of his mistakes, he felt more alone than ever.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
Take my hand, I give it to you
Now you owe me, all I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe
Many years later, Jack stood on a cliff, staring out at the sea. "It's been a thousand years, Ianto," he whispered to the presence that always seemed to hover around him. "I promised you I wouldn't forget." The pain of losing Ianto had never gone away, no matter how far Jack traveled from Earth. In the end, he had returned there with the knowledge that even if the pain never went away, it would lessen and partially heal in time.
A tear slipped down his face as he felt the air grow warm around him, as if Ianto was there with him and acknowledged Jack's confession. Rwy'n dy garu di, the wind breathed back at him and, for the first time in over a millennium, Jack Harkness felt whole again.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed