Disclaimer: I do not own Howl's Moving Castle

Prologue

For Tek Sonay

Turn the lights back on. Turn the lights back on. No. Wait a moment. Give yourself time to breathe. Think for a moment. You'll be fine. Let me get out. Let me get out. You're doing it again. Don't panic. Don't panic when you're creating an illusion. If you lose your sense of calm, you'll lose your sense of reality. It was always so difficult doing illusion spells. She had to learn them though. She knew in the foreseeable future it would be something that would become something useful for her to use. Stop trying. It's no use. It's too difficult. You should have never have spoken to him. Quiet. Silence. Patience. Be calm. She dared herself to open her eyes again. Daniella stared back at the false reflection not realising that until that moment that it would bring back the faded memories which only seemed like a dream until then. Or maybe an old fairy tale which she had been told as a child, not realising that it was her own life she was hiding away from.

It began when she was learning how to create illusions.

It began with changing her appearance before going to the expertise of changing her own surroundings. The smaller the change the easier it was. Then again a human being could be more complicated than your mere surroundings. It was like covering the background over with a decorated sheet which gave the impression that someone was somewhere else. It was easy if you thought about it hard enough. First the eyes, then the hair, then her clothing, then her complexion and finally facial and body features. But all of that was superficial. If you really wanted to fool someone, a wizard then you really had to understand the person you were pretending to be. If it was someone else you had to convince someone who knew them that you were them. If it was someone you were completely reinventing yourself then that was a completely different story...Reinventing a completely new being was harder than it sounded. She would have change herself completely and utterly. It would be until every trace of her former self were gone. Sometimes it was difficult to find yourself again. This took her a week to perfect. She didn't realise that it would have a psychological effect on her. It was as if she Daniella Lockhart was never there, or that she had never existed at all. But was she ever there? After all, she was never truly Daniella Lockhart. She was born by another name, one that she didn't know...

That was the only thing she had been losing recently. She had known for a long time now that she couldn't trust the woman she once thought was the person who cared about her as much as a mother should care for her daughter. Now she knew that she cared for no one but herself. She thought when they first met that she loved her. The moment when they first met she thought from wandering through the smoky streets of the city she would never be able to find her way home again. A child was lost and found. But then lost again. She lost her sapphire blue eyes, along with her certainty in Belladonna. Her eyes were now amber. Her raven black hair had faded along with her happiness in her secure life. Her hair was now a deep red. Her pale complexion had glowed to a rosier one, along with the idea of escaping from her prison. She was now a little taller and thinner. Her facial features were sharper and more precise to conventional beauty. She was now someone else, but was she still the same person she was on the inside before she had changed her outer shell? She could try to be someone different, in a way it would liberate her. Although, she would be running away from what she wanted more, to go back to the person she once was. The only problem was she didn't know who that was.

With all her might and will power Daniella tried to push that thought aside. This flicker of a memory. Reminding herself that she had a place now and that place in life should be accepted. Still, that nagging thought that she could be someone else. Ever since she met him she filled her with so much doubt. She hated him for it some days. Sometimes she wished she never met him. She wished that he could have kept to himself. Why did he have to come to the same ball as her? Why was it that night she had to be brought to that ball he just happened to want to attend? Maybe he knew. Maybe he knew that she was going to be there. It was far better, she could imagine than her place in the world before she came here. She felt like she had been brought to a castle, somewhere which she thought could give her a wonderful life. Somewhere far away from all those harsh places she could have end up in when she's suddenly realised that she was trapped in a prison. Sometimes palaces could be prisons. She had it much better than many others. If she had not been found by Lady Belladonna and not been given the chance for a new start, she may not have been as lucky as she is now. However no matter how much she tries to resist, it always comes crawling back. No matter how many illusions or veils she pulls across, she cannot hide from what she stands alongside behind it.

Daniella stared into the mirror with a dark intensity, demanding an answer from the illusion she created. She thought perhaps that when she thought that she was creating a new person but when she could actually be recovering the girl she once was. The girl who she was supposed to be. The girl she could have been if...Whatever had happened to her never happened to her at all. As if it must know what that hidden secret within her must be. It was somewhere inside her. It had to be otherwise it wouldn't have bothered her so much. Her obsession, the ghost which forever haunted her seemed to be corrupting her sense of logic and almost seemed to turn her against her own magic. Obsessing over something that either wasn't there or was not seen in the obvious place was something which could make someone like her sick. She had been warned by so many people that you could get so lost in your own magic, that you could eventually lose yourself. Some people just weren't strong enough. She couldn't allow that to happen, she wouldn't. She had already lost her real identity because of her capabilities.

It was her gifts that pulled her into this world, this life. If anything she should hate herself for it. She didn't blame some of the people who looked at her with fear and repulse. Some people outside the walls of this home of hers were actually frightened of her. Even if she was under the protective wing of a seemingly good natured humanitarian who also happened to be a sorceress herself. There were times when she thought of all of this as a curse opposed to thinking it as a gift. Sometimes she wondered whether that was what actually killed them...She would be lying if she said that she hadn't thought of them in a while. She thought about them nearly all the time. She thought about them all the more often ever since she met Kain. It made her wonder whether it was right of her to wish that they had a better life. She was happier than she was now and she was living in luxury opposed to the roofless old workshop she was living in once. Belladonna didn't choose her out of the goodness of her heart. She saw that she was special and that she need some form of guidance in her magic. Daniella couldn't think why she needed someone in the first place. She just knew it wasn't for a particularly ethical reason. Despite the kind, generous face she puts on for the public, Belladonna really only took opportunities or did certain things to benefit her own prospects. She relished in manipulating others.

Despite the devotion and gratitude she once had towards Belladonna there was a small part of her that wanted to blame her. She had a feeling of love and hate, devotion and disgust all mixed into one. She was her mother and her enemy. Her teacher and her jailer. After being under her protection for 6 years she was unsure as to whether she could trust or even love Lady Belladonna again. The first time she met her, her jade green eyes sparkled with maternal love which drew Daniella to her. Now whenever she replayed the memory she had the suspicion that there was a hint of greed and lust, she was a predator which had just caught its prey, licking its lips in anticipation. Before now, she had tried to convince herself that this was a presumption conceived by paranoia and ungratefulness.

"You are Daniella."

Her voice was dry with uncertainty. The words were uncomfortable in her mouth. She screwed her eyes tight and tried to picture herself. Her true self.

"You are Daniella Lockhart."

She felt her heart beating within her trying to force itself out of her chest. Whenever she said it there was something beating or gripping her heat. Almost like she was having a heart attack. Her insides were telling her that she was wrong. They were trying to fight against what she wanted to believe, even if it was going to be only for a while. It yearned to be what it once was even when it had been so long ago and for such a short while. It was still able to remember. It was still important that she remembered and accepted who she was. Her mind was frantically searching for her all the time. It was the reason why she never slept at night anymore. She felt like she wanted to vomit. Her body wanted to throw this name out of her mouth. She didn't want this life anymore. She just wanted it all gone. Why did he have to do this to her? Why couldn't he have left her to live her life in ignorance? There was a conflict between her illusion, Daniella and herself battling for dominance within her. She felt like she was drowning helplessly against a strong current never having any hope of resurfacing again. She wrapped her arms around her tightly repeating the words over and over again.

"Please, please, please, please." She whispered. "Please, please-"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Daniella?"

She looked up and saw her reflection. She blinked a little wondered what she was seeing was actually there. Not her illusion. Just Daniella. She was herself again. Or for now anyway. This was all she could settle with for the time being. She reached out to the cold glass and gave a sigh of relief. She didn't even know why she was relieved. She just was. She was sure of what she was feeling, she just didn't know why she was feeling these emotions. She couldn't see the logic of being comforted by the fact that she could see the outer shell that she wasn't even sure was her. Maybe it was just that need to settle for something. The feelings of uncertainty would always remain. Long after she left this room. Long after she slept through this night and the following night it would still be there waiting to pounce upon her again when she was most vulnerable. It was that moment she realised that no matter how deceptive an illusion could be it could never hide this suffocating feeling which seemed to be swallowing her whole. Leaving her to drown in a dark, bottomless abyss for as long as she allowed it to.

"Miss?"

Nora, her maid peered into the room. She had a concerned look on her face. Daniella turned weakly to her. Leaning against the dresser, the magic seemed to have taken a vast amount of energy out of her.

"Are you alright?"

Daniella forced a smile and laughed. "Yes, Nora. I'm fine, just practising some magic. Nothing to

worry about."

Nora nodded, but looked unconvinced. "I just came to tell you that dinner was ready to be served."

"Thank you, Nora. I'll be down in a moment." Nora nodded again and closed the door behind her.

Daniella sighed, Nora seemed to be the only person who was concerned about her welfare in this cold, empty house. Nevertheless, one person was better than nobody.

She closed her eyes and began to breathe steadily. Calm yourself down. Be calm. It's over now. It's over. For now. You know it will just come back to haunt us. As it always does. It will be alright. We will be alright. Now that he's come to find us we'll be fine. We would have been better off without him if he hadn't come in and stuck his nose in. Gradually her heart began to slow down and the heat in her neck and cheeks began to cool. He saved us. If it wasn't for him we would have still remained being ignorant about it all. Ignorance is bliss. She opened her eyes again and stared back at the reflection. She wasn't sure who or what to believe anymore. She wasn't sure which one she was supposed to listen to. The one which would help her survive. Everything came to a stand still. The clock seemed to stop ticking. The breeze outside calmed down. It was still. The clouds froze in the sky. No matter how much she tried to deny it there was that truth that always found a way to claw itself out of the grave.

For now though, she thought. I'll go by Daniella Lockhart. There was no other name she could go by anyway, it was all she knew...