All I think about is her. Her short blonde hair. Her big hazel eyes. Her perfect lips and incredible smile.
It's been two years since I've last seen her, or last spoken to her. We left things on good terms, deciding we would be better off as friends. She told me she loved me, but still couldn't trust me. Rightfully so, I've fucked up more times then I can remember. The thing about Quinn is that she knows what she wants and she takes no one's shit, including mine, so when she thought I cheated on her, I knew it was really over.
Truth is, I didn't cheat on her. Why would you cheat on someone you know you can't live without? I let her think that though, because if she still couldn't trust me, then she deserved to be with somebody she can. Here's what happened…
I went out to the bar after training, had a few beers with the guys, nothing special, nothing unusual. The bartender always had a thing for me. You know how they say, "Girls love a man in uniform", well that expression is true. Girls cannot resist a man in a uniform, especially my Air Force fatigues. Whenever I wear them, girls tend to sit really close to me, or playfully touch my arm, buy ME drinks. So when Quinn walked in, surprising me after class and saw the bartender try to make a pass at me, she grabbed my hand and pulled me out. I thought she was pulling me out because she saw that skank bartender try to molest my face, but when we got home and she started crying I knew it wasn't that.
She sat on her couch and I stood in front of her and when she said, "I can't do this anymore, Puck" I lost all strength in my legs and sat next to her. "I love you so much, but I just can't trust you." I think she knew that I didn't cheat on her, but it was probably tiring worrying that I was all the time. I grabbed her hand and kissed her. I kissed her with everything I had because I knew it would be the last time. Then I told her I loved her and left.
Truth is, I probably should've fought for her. Not probably, absolutely. I absolutely should have fought for her, because when you love someone as much as I love Quinn, you do anything to be with her. And now here I am, sitting at another damn Glee reunion, hoping that she shows up, even though she hasn't in a year.
"Get in loser! Before I pound you like a piece of meat." My body stands up without a thought, and before I know what is happening I'm walking toward a place that I know so well, the dumpsters. There are two kids fighting, one in a varsity jacket and some dweeb with glasses. Poor kid doesn't stand a chance, and that's why I make the decision to intervene. "What's going on here?" I grab the dweeb's shoulder, and stand tall in my Air Force dress uniform, facing the kid who appears to be on the football team.
"Nothing, man. Just having a little fun" Does this kid think I'm an idiot? He should only know that I was him four years ago, and that I've done this to almost two hundred kids. I step closer to the kid, with intention to intimidate him, "Listen, I've been in your shoes and I've done this countless times. Trust me when I say, it's not worth it. Leave the kid alone, and go read a book or something." The kid picks up his book bag and walks off, the dweeb is looking at his feet, afraid to look me in the eye. "You gotta learn to stick up for yourself. Join a club, make some friends that will have your back, alright?" I turn around to walk away, but that's when it happens. I slam into someone, heads collide hard and I reach out to catch her from falling back. But that's when I see the blonde hair, and the big eyes I haven't been able to get out of my head. She's here. And I'm speechless. Stunned. Just standing there like a fucking moron, still holding her arm. She notices all of this, I mean, she's known me since I was sixteen, we dated for three years and we have a kid together. She knows me better than I know myself, so she laughs and my heart beats faster. I let go of her arm, look at my shoes and laugh because if I look into her eyes, I know I'll do something or say something I'll regret.
"Wow Puckerman, that was weird to see." I look at her and smile. Her voice. God, how I've missed hearing her talk.
"How've you been, Quinn?" I try to avoid the small talk, because I don't want to admit that we're in that awkward stage, but it's impossible.
"I'm good, graduate next month-"
"-I know" I blurt out, because I don't want her to think I've forgotten, because I haven't. She just smiles and bites her lip. I wonder if she remembers how crazy that drives me.
"Well, we should get inside." She starts walking ahead and I put my hands in my pockets and follow her. We get outside the choir room and I grab her arm to stop her.
"Can we maybe talk later? I don't know get dinner and just talk about everything." I see her hesitation and it hurts, but she nods anyway and then walks inside. I know seeing me is hard and she is trying to hide it, and there's nothing I want more than to be able to not hurt her anymore.
Another glee recruitment. I swear this makes no sense, I feel like we're recruiting new members for this damn club every other month. Rachel finally stops talking and we decide to meet tomorrow and figure out a plan. I stay behind a few minutes to just catch my breath, because being in that room with Quinn is hard, but being in that room without Finn is even harder. I wish more than anything that I could ask him for advice, or to just play video games with him again. I'm standing in front of his plaque and I hear the clicking of heels. I know it is Quinn, because we said we'd talk, but I still haven't thought of what I want to say to her.
She stands next to me, her shoulder against my arm. It feels so familiar, last time this happened it was in front of Finn's jersey and I told her I loved her. I figure it'd lighten the mood to bring that up, "This feels familiar. Only last time it was in the sweaty locker room." She laughs; it's light and short.
"You wanted to talk?"
"Here?" This is not how or where I wanted to talk to her.
"Seems like as good a place as any."
Does it though? I sit down in one of the 12 chairs, but then I stand up because I realize I want to be able to look at her.
"I've been playing this moment in my head for a year, and now my mind is blank." She just smiles and looks at me. I see her eyes glance at my hair, which is longer than the buzz cut I had a couple years ago.
"You look good, Puck" And there's the small talk again.
"I don't want to do this, Quinn."
"Do what? Talk because you asked me-"
"No this; this small talk, these meaningless conversations. We dated for over three years, we love each other, loved each other…" She walks over to a chair and sits down.
"So then ask me whatever you need to ask me or tell me whatever you need to tell me." She sounds angry now. Which makes sense since we're not having a forced conversation. I sit next to her but face her, even though she is looking straight ahead.
"I just wanted you to know that I never cheated on you, well you know since high school. At the bar that night, I never cheated and never intended on it. You were the only person I wanted to kiss or have sex with or come home to. It never even crossed my mind." She doesn't say anything, so I figure I should just keep talking until she has something to say. "You said you didn't trust me, and I understood that because I didn't appreciate you in high school and it wasn't fair for you to be with someone you couldn't even trust. And that hurt me. It hurt me that you didn't trust me, but it was my own fault." My hand is in my hair now, it's messed up now, I'm sure. "I should have fought for you." I decided to stop rambling, give her a second to let everything sink in. I'm waiting for her to yell at me or slap me, instead she says,
"I trusted you, Puck." And now I'm confused. "I can't really explain it. I knew you didn't cheat on me that night, and I knew you wouldn't. I guess I was just tired of you not fighting for me." Shit. "I never heard you say that you had a girlfriend to those whores at the bar, and you were never really public with us, holding hands or anything like that. Instead of going out after work, I wanted you to want to come over and want to be with me, your girlfriend whom you haven't seen all day, but you didn't. You never did, and I just got tired of it. When I told you that 'I couldn't do this anymore' I did want you to fight for me, but you didn't."
"You're making it sound like I was ashamed of you." She shakes her head quickly.
"I don't doubt that you loved me, Puck. I know you did and I loved you too, so much. I just think you had a hard time showing that to the world, and to me."
Damnit. How can I fix this? My elbows are on my knees and my hands are in my hair and I'm breathing heavy. I'm furious. "So I wasn't a good boyfriend?"
"I didn't say-"
"I moved to fucking New Haven, begged my boss to put me in Connecticut. I never missed an anniversary or a birthday. I slept in your apartment every night and left you alone when you needed to study. I brought you flowers when you were stressed with finals. I made you breakfast before classes. I hung out with all your obnoxious, preppy Yale friends. What else did you want me to do?" She is silent for a while and I can't take it anymore. I stand up and leave the choir room. There's nothing worse than not feeling good enough and if this were high school, everything she was saying would be true. Yeah maybe I didn't come straight to her every single night, but that doesn't mean I wasn't a good boyfriend or didn't treat her well.
I'm outside the school now, sitting on the steps. I need the fresh air, because I suddenly feel like I'm suffocating. I loosen my tie and take off my jacket. The door opens aggressively and Quinn is out of breath. She must have been running after me and when she sees me sitting here, she looks relieved. She sits next to me and links our arms. She puts her head on my shoulder and I suddenly feel this weird calm, I haven't felt in years.
"I'm sorry." That's all she says. I'm not sure if she's sorry for breaking up with me, or sorry for the things she just said. There are a lot of things we both could be sorry for, I guess.