I feel it every day, it's all the same
The raindrops slowly make their way under his clothes, and it feels like the cold liquid is trying to seep into his skin. If he didn't feel so terrible he probably would joke about how accurate the metaphor is since he feels just as cold inside right now. Even the illuminated sight of the city can't cheer him up, which always could back in the day.
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
Nothing's the same since she broke his heart. The day he learned that she had lied to him through all that time he swore he would walk away. It was much harder than he ever thought it would be though. He cut all contact for a couple of days, but after the thirty-fourth missed call and twelfth message he just couldn't ignore her, and the aching pain in his chest that longed after her sweet voice, her breathtaking smile and radiating strength.
I've tried everything to get away
He had tried to reason with himself, tried everything to somehow convince his brain that he doesn't need her, that he's only going to get hurt, but it didn't make a difference. After all he knew too well… The heart wants what the heart wants.
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
So like the fool he is he went back to her. Day after day he tortures himself with staying close to her even though she doesn't feel the same way. And those moments, the ones where she seems like she does, they just make it that much worse.
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
He loves her. It's one of those things that he can do nothing about, it's just so much of a part of him that he has to accept it, even if every second, every minute he has to spend in her company seems like a slow, agonizing torture.
It's like the universe is taunting him, patiently waiting for him to break down.
Every time she smiles, brushes her hair behind her ear, bites her lip, or glances at him, every time she laughs, lets out an annoyed moan or sips her coffee, his heart breaks into even more pieces. Because he has never felt like this before. Never in his life, counting two marriages had he ever felt so utterly, head over heels in love with someone.
And he knows that it's slowly getting worse, that he is destroying himself just because he's not strong enough. Not strong enough to walk away.
It feels like every day stays the same
He's pretty sure she noticed the change, but she acts like nothing happened, and for once she's the one who is actually trying to get back to their usual banter, their teasing, but he mostly answers with just a couple of words, and even those are totally hollow and emotionless.
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
He hasn't written a word since he found out. He tried to, he really did, the threats from his publisher enough to have him sitting before his laptop. But then as soon as he opened the document, and stared at the blank page his mind was overrun by everything he had tried to push away, to bury deep down where he would never find them again. And he couldn't do it. Couldn't keep up the connection between the characters, his own situation bleeding into their story as well, so he gave up. He's not sure what he is going to do about the book deal, but he'll figure it out later. Or not. It doesn't even matter anymore.
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
There has been a couple of though cases in the past few weeks, some similar to her mothers, some just gruesome and tiring, and still, he has been there with her, for her. Always. He was there for her when she needed him, gave her space when she just wanted to be alone, never pushing, always the gentleman.
He even tried to cheer her up, bringing her coffee with a joke on it, trying to lighten the mood, forcing a smile on his face while inside he felt nothing. Nothing but sorrow and sadness. She broke his heart, and yet every time she was sad or angry he cared. He cared, and the fact that she was sad shattered his already broken heart into a million little shards.
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to
But the worst of it all was not that she hasn't felt the same, but that she had lied to him. She played him for so long, because she was that cruel or just didn't want to let him down, it doesn't matter anymore. She did.
And he was too blinded by hope, by love to see clearly. How many times did she say no? How many times had he tried only to get rejected? He should've known. But as always, he hoped for the best, and wore his heart on his sleeve. And like always, it only got him hurt again.
So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
She's the first thing that he remembers in the morning, and the last when he gives in to the suffocating darkness after turning in his bed, sleepless for hours. It's her who he thinks about while he sits at home, while he's walking in the city, every conscious moment, and often even in his dreams.
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
Even the stinging pain he feels when he's next to her can't measure up to the unbearable void that swallows him when he's alone. He feels empty, like a shell, drained of every little piece of happiness and energy that once belonged to him. So he is there with her, working every case.
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
And after all this time, he still couldn't eradicate the last spark of hope. Some part of him still clings to that piece of light, and the times he gives in, pictures them, their common future, he thinks of as his darkest moments.
I'll keep on wasting all my time
Sometimes he feels angry. Angry and disappointed in himself, because if he had the strength to let go, he could have a better life now. Maybe he would've met someone, someone who could make him forget. He knows it's just a dream though. He would never meet anyone like her ever again.
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to
He groans when his phone rings, and he doesn't even have to look at the screen to know who is calling. He can feel it.
The call is short, but informative, and he turns around, heads to the precinct. Another case, another day to fall in love with her. Every day, every time. Always
I love this song and if you haven't heard it yet, go listen to it right now. Also thanks for reading, and please let me know what you think.