Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, nor do I own 'Notes To The Coroner' by Chely Wright.
A/N: If you do not know the song, you might want to listen to it. It's really powerful in my mind. I can just feel the pain that she had been through. This story is very sad, but I feel that I was not able to bring the hurt and pain across as well as the song does.
But just so you know... I cried while writing this and then again when I reread it. You have been warned.
Please let me know what you think of this. It's my first time writing something that was not lovey-dovey for the most part and would like to know if the effort was well made or not. Thanks to those who take the time to review.
Happy Reading!
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Notes To The Coroner
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6/7/AC209
Everyone knows Quatre is my best friend. They also know that Quatre is in a happy, loving, long-term relationship with Trowa. What they don't know is that I'm hopelessly in love with Quatre myself.
Since he is an empathy, I needed a way to hide my feelings from him. I knew that was not going to happen, so I needed a cover.
His name is Zane.
I don't love him, but I can easily lust after him and he is a nice guy. I do feel bad for being unfair to him, but he knows my intentions and feelings towards him He told me that he does not mind because I was the first person to be honest with him.
He is honest and loyal, a great guy. I wish I could love him, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I feel that if I have not been able to move past these feelings after all these years, I'm doomed to suffer the rest of my life with these feelings of unrequited love.
I have been with Zane for six years now. Last night when I got back from spending the day with Quatre, he just held me. I needed the comfort he so willingly offered. This was what always happens when I spend time with Quatre, but last night was different.
He told me he loved me.
He knows I can't return his feelings and he said being with me was enough. Zane said that he just had to let me know. He said that he had tried to not think of such things, but he could no longer deny it to himself or me.
We did not have sex last night, we made love. Even if I don't love him, I still know how to make love to him.
This morning after breakfast, I went to Quatre and Trowa's home. I was welcomed with a warm smile. I told Quatre of Zane telling me that he loved me for the first time and even of how we celebrated.
Best friends talk about their love lives, even if it hurts me greatly to hear about him and Trowa.
He had asked me if I had told Zane of my feelings, because we all know that Quatre can feel the love pouring off me. I just let him know that he knew of me feelings for him.
Trowa then came in and kissed Quatre on top of his head. My heart ached, but I quickly tried to cover it up when dark blue-green eyes turned to me. I told them that seeing them together made me think of my love.
Quatre assumed Zane.
I visited for a while, but left before the offer to stay for lunch could be made. I made my way to the home I have shared with Zane for over four years now. Zane was not home. You might think I would be grateful for the time alone.
You would be wrong.
When I'm alone my thoughts wonder. Wonder to places they should not go. Now that Shinigami no longer needs me to fill his blood-lust, since there is no war, He just wants me.
-Duo Maxwell
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That day was like any other. Duo had stopped by this morning for a nice visit, then Quatre and I enjoyed a nice quite lunch. After that, we ventured into the library to spend the afternoon enjoying each other's company. Quatre worked at his desk while I read quietly in an armchair.
I was the one who answered the phone.
There was a frantic Zane on the vidscreen. It's a good thing I took it in the other room so as not to disturb Quatre, there was blood smeared on his pale blue shirt.
"Calm down, Zane. I can't understand what you are saying."
"Duo... He... Gun..."
It's all that I could understand, but the pain was heart wrenching in the other man's usually handsome face. I knew that something had happened to Duo. Something bad.
"I'll be right over." I disconnected the phone and returned to the library. "That was Zane."
"Is everything alright?" Concerned eyes turned my way.
"I'll let you know when I do." I kissed Quatre and before I left saw a saddened look in his beautiful eyes as he held his heart. I hope my sadness in thinking that something had happened to Duo was not justified.
It did not take me long to get to the house that the couple shared. Zane must not have called the police or the Preventers, because I was the only other car there. When I walked to the front door, I did not even bother to knock. I walked in and followed the loud sobs to the master bedroom.
What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Zane was sobbing so loud and was so distraught that he did not even notice me. I was not really noticing him either. What I saw was Duo. He was being rocked in Zane's strong hold, a hole in his chest where his heart was. Blood was stained all over the braided man, Zane and the bed.
There was no blood flowing freely from the wound. He must have bled-out awhile ago.
My gaze shifted to the gun laying on the bed. It was Duo's. Did he do this to himself? I looked around the room for clues. I needed to know if there was someone that I needed to kill.
I noticed a black notebook on the bedside table. I walked over and picked it up. That was when Zane turned to me. I ignored him as I started to read.
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I hope I haven't been lying here long I wrote it down for you in case I didn't survive These are my notes to the coroner
I'd say, "I told you so," but I'm long gone
Who called you? Who found me?
Who had to spread the news?
I hope it wasn't my sister
In a black notebook right there by my side
Be sure to read it, it'll tell you everything
Go ahead and start from December
Clues with no compromise
Notes to the coroner
Details of my demise
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12/10/AC208
Last night was Quatre and Trowa's anniversary.
I'm happy that my best friend could find someone as wonderful as Trowa. The two are the perfect couple. There is so much love and life between them.
Trowa is very lucky.
I wish I was the one who Quatre wanted as a lover, but I don't know if I could watch Trowa as he goes through what I'm going through now. Besides, I have Zane. A strong presence in my life. A rock to lean on.
But after all the love and affection I saw between Quatre and Trowa, not even Zane could console me.
I was laying in bed, just watching the man who tries to fill the void he knows is within me. He is a handsome man. 31 and the stamina of a 16 year-old. Zane is a wonderful human being as well.
I hate what I do to him and even more, what he allows.
I needed to be alone, so I went out into the living-room. I sat in my recliner. I put the feet up so it would not rock, but I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around themas I laid my head om my knees.
I'm not sure how long I sat like that, but that was when I heard a voice. A voice I never thought I would really hear.
Shinigami.
He said that He knew I was not truly happy and that if I came to Him, He would change that. Take my pain away.
I cried for the first time since I don't know when.
Once I dried my eyes, I moved back into bed. Strong arms quickly moved around my waist and pulled me close. I held back the sob that threatened to leave my throat.
Luckily he was still asleep.
-Duo Maxwell
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"How can you just stand there and read?!" An angry Zane spat at me. "Do something dammit! Help him!"
"He's dead."
I couldn't believe how dead and cold my own voice sounded. I kept reading. It seemed Duo needed help for months, if not years now, but felt he could not come to his closest friends.
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You'll wanna take my blood to smear on a slide These are my notes to the coroner Palpitations of a broken heart Notes to the coroner
But if you just read on you'll know how I died
Terminal sadness, chronic regret
A big ball of pain in pajamas
Clues with no compromise
Notes to the coroner
Details of my demise
Triggered my shortness of breath
I lost too much love and then I fell apart
Official cause of my death
Clues with no compromise
Notes to the coroner
Details of my demise
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2/14/AC209
Valentine's Day.
My least favorite holiday.
I know I should be happy with the fact that I have someone who cares for me when there are so many who have spent this day of love alone for who knows how long, but I just can't help the pain I feel.
For weeks now Quatre has been telling me of all the plans and gifts he has planned for his and Trowa's big night. Even though I'm happy they have each other and I have Zane, I still envy Trowa. I feel bad for feeling this way towards one of my best friends, but what else can I do? I have tried to move on. I even have a great guy in my life who cares for me like no other.
Speaking of Zane, he was not here when I woke up a little bit ago. I do believe that he is off getting ready for his Valentine's Day plans. He can be so romantic at times. Sometimes even corny.
I know that he will go all out for me while I just picked him up a gift from the local outlet mall and made reservation at a fancy restaurant. It's not like I don't care, I know he will love my gift because it is something he has had his eye on for awhile now and the restaurant is his favorite.
Sigh.
I'm such an awful person.
I'm not even sure why Shinigami wants me. I don't see how my soul can be of any use to Him. As much as I want this pain to end and take Him up on his offers, I just can't.
I know it would hurt Zane, Quatre, Hilde and the others. They would all mourn my death. I know this. They all care deeply for me.
That should be enough, but some days, I'm tempted. Tempted to follow after my God.
Sometimes I think I should talk to someone about Shinigami. Maybe Heero. Maybe he could talk, knock, some sense into me. Then again, he is not the most level of people. It's hard to tell what would come out of that conversation.
I just don't want to burden any of my friends. They are my family. I'm not sure how they would react and the last thing I want is for them to treat me like the crazy cousin that no one really wants around.
I'm even starting to depress myself now. I better go and at least try and put on a happy face for Zane when he returns.
-Duo Maxwell
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This was going to destroy Quatre and Hilde.
I know Zane loves Duo, but he was not there during the war. He does not have the same connections that my love and Hilde do. They saw him as the brother neither ever had.
How could I tell them?
Not to mention Heero and Wufei.
I look to Zane as I close the notebook. "I'm going to call Une when I get home. Stay with Duo until someone comes over to talk to you." I knew he was not going anywhere anytime soon.
Before I called Une, I want to tell the others. I know I wont be able to keep it from Quatre, but I can tell the others together. I walked back to my car, notebook in hand. On my way home, I called Hilde, Wufei and Heero asking them all to come to our house.
I paused in the car when I pulled in the drive. I took four deep breaths before I moved into the house. Once inside, I saw Quatre standing at the bottom of the stairs, tears rolling down his pale face as he clenched his chest with both hands.
My sadness and pain must have been so strong he could feel it from the car.
"Please, Trowa." His voice was weak as he walked slowly towards me. "Tell me Duo is alright."
I took two long strides forward and wrapped my arms around his small body. "Duo is not in any pain."
I felt my heart break at the cry of anguish that came from my love. I closed my eyes to hold back tears and tightened my hold on him.
After a few moments of just holding him, I picked him up and carried him to our room. I told him that the others were coming over and that I would tell them and then call Une.
He hugged my pillow close as I kissed his head and walked towards the door when I heard the doorbell.
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Notes to the coroner
Clues with no compromise
Notes to the coroner