Chapter One: Release Me From This Pain, For Sanity Consumes Me

I was never a sad girl. My life was happier then most people I knew. I had friends and more importantly I had family who loved me. I smiled more then anyone else I'd ever met, and my laughs were always from the heart. I loved my life, everything about it, and there was nothing anyone could do to ever change that.

I didn't know just how wrong I was. My happiness had come to a screeching halt, all too soon.

Tears stained my cheeks daily now. Never again would I smile or laugh. Never again would I love my life fully and completely. Never again would I truly be happy. I'd lost someone so dear to me, so close to me, and I knew without a doubt that things would never be the same for me ever again. He was my everything. He was my best friend. My confidant. My teacher. My comfort. My hero. He was my first choice for everything. He truly was the love of my life. He was my father.

No daughter could ever love their father the way I loved mine. We had such a close bond. We did everything together. Sure, I was close to my mom, of course, but my bond with my dad was unbreakable. We were more like long time best friends then father and daughter.

I loved my father just as much as I loved my mother and little brother, but I truly was a daddies girl. My father was my best friend. And anytime somebody asked me whom my best friend just so happened to be, I would never hesitate to let that person know just who my best friend really was.

I lay on my floor in my room curled into a tight ball,clutching myself as violent sobs wracked my body. This pain inside of me was consuming me whole. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't grasp the fact that my father was dead - gone forever. I couldn't accept it. Just like I couldn't accept it at the funeral.

I stood wide-eyed next to my crying mother and little brother who I now know was holding his tears back, trying so hard to be strong for my mother and I. I know that he had let it out as soon as he was alone. He was always acting more mature then his eleven year old mind should allow him to.

I stared at the casket before me, noticing vaguely that there were many people standing around me. I knew what that casket stood for. I knew what all these people surrounded around the casket meant. I knew what the preacher that was positioned at the head of the casket, speaking kind words about my father and praying for his soul meant.

I knew what it all meant, and yet I couldn't accept it. I was numb, completely closed off to reason and acceptance. My mind refused to allow this kind of pain to taint my heart, so it shut down. I'd been an empty shell since the accident, unable to feel pain or shed a tear. I'd been completely...disbelieving.

I looked at all of the people gathered around me, and couldn't understand what everyone was so sad about. The tears shining on everyone's cheeks only confused me further. I glanced at my mother who continued to cry.

"Mom? What is everyone so upset about?" I asked her in a small voice, earning gasps from a few people within hearing range of me. My mother looked at me wide-eyed, wiping her tears from her cheeks. She put a hand up to her mouth, concealing her own gasp at my repulsive question. I truly didn't understand though, and I was only vaguely aware of the things going on around me.

That was until I caught the end of the preachers prayer and I noticed the pall-bearers begin to lower the casket into the freshly dug hole in the ground. The casket that will never see the light of day again. The casket that will spend forever in the dark hole in front of me. The casket that shall forever hold my fathers body in it. The father I'll never see again. My father. My best friend. MY FATHER! GONE!

"No." I whispered, my eyes growing wider, realization finally dawning on me. My heart began to pound furiously in my chest, and as the light of comprehension was finally shed on my mind, the pain quickly began to seep through the fog that had been clouding it.

"No." I choked out, slightly about a whisper now. I began gasping for air, feeling suffocated. Everything began to close in on me, and my vision began to blur with my own tears. I could no longer feel the comforting numbness, and I tried to grasp for it desperately as I felt the onslaught of true pain that attacked my every cell.

I stepped forward, reaching my hand out to the casket, "No!" I cried, audibly now. The tears flowed out of me freely and there was nothing I could do to contain them.

"Stop it!" I screamed, "You can't do this! My dad is in there! You have to stop!"

I took the last steps towards the casket quickly and my legs gave out on me. I fell to the ground and reached out to touch the casket, letting out a sob when my had reached the dark cherry wood box. The pall-bearers had stopped lowering the casket into the ground and everyone stood watching me; my outburst causing fresh tears and soft sobs to occur around the group of people.

"Why?" I cried to my father allowed, "Why did you leave me?" I screamed, pounding my fists on the side of the casket.

My brother, Sota, knelt beside me slowly and put his arm around my shoulders. I looked at him, then back to my fathers casket, the pain forever tarnishing my very heart and soul.

"It'll be okay, Kagome." I heard Sota say.

Okay? It'll be OKAY?!

I turned my head quickly to glare at my younger brother. I knew he was only trying to comfort me, but his words had made me angrier then I'd ever been before in my entire life, and that anger drove me now, I fed off of it, holding it tightly to my soul, hoping I could be consumed by the anger instead of the unbearable pain that suffocated me now.

"No!" I screamed at him, standing up to tower over him. I clenched my fists at my sides, and continued to give him a piece of my mind, "Nothing will EVER be okay again! What's wrong with you?!"

I brought my right hand over my heart, feeling the pain leak through it, poisoning me, and with another sob, I ran. I ran away from reality. I ran away from the people and their pain. I ran away not knowing where I was going.

It had been a week since I ran away from my fathers funeral, and the pain I'd tried to escape from had only seemed to intensify as time passed on. Every little thing set me off now, so I tried to stay in my room out of everyone's way, curled up in a ball on my floor, or huddled in a corner, trying to handle the unruly hurt that coursed throughout my body.

Why? I wondered again, as I had a week before. Why did you have to leave me? I miss you so much!

The pain in my heart never ceased. Even sleep didn't serve to bring peace to my damaged heart. I'd have nightmares of my fathers death every time I closed my eyes, and I'd wake up screaming, tears rolling down my cheeks. As soon as the nightmare caught up with me, I'd be thrown into a hysterical fit of sobs and anger. I'd broken things already. I'd punched many holes in my walls and kicked a hole through my door. I shattered every mirror in my room with my fist earlier today and my knuckles were bloody and swollen. And I just couldn't take it anymore.

I can't handle this pain, dad! I screamed in my head staring up at the ceiling. I crawled over to a shard of broken glass from my mirror and grasped it tightly in my right hand. I saw no reason to leave a note. If someone couldn't guess why I'd was to commit an act such as this, then they were completely blind.

I love you Mom, Sota, but I just can't live with this pain any longer. Please forgive me for being so selfish.

With those thoughts formed, I slid the broken glass swiftly against my wrist, not feeling the pain. It couldn't possibly compare to what I already felt. In fact, as I cut my other wrist, I noticed that it was oddly relieving; almost comforting.

I let out the breath I'd been holding and dropped the glass back on the floor. I lied back down, staring at the blood flowing out of my wrist quickly. I allowed myself to imagine the good memories my father and I shared as I bled out on my bedroom floor. I began to grow very tired and my eyes started to drift close as everything grew hazy.

There was a sound in the distance and I saw, through narrowed eyes, my brother walk into my room to inform me that...dinner was done?

No thank you Sota. I'm going to be with dad. Tell mom I'm not going to be eating.

I wanted to say this to him, but all I could do was watch helplessly as he rushed over to me, his figure now nothing but hazy colors. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and I was swiftly getting a head ache, so I closed my eyes all the way. I could vaguely hear Sota shouting something, but it was far too distant for me to hear.

It didn't matter anyways. I was finally going to be with my dad again.

I'm coming, dad. I thought, as I let go of humanity and allowed the darkness to wash over me.