They had delivered the letter to her apartment in New York two months before she was going to head off to Ohio to his family for Christmas. Of course she didn't normally celebrate it but she was used to celebrating it for him and she didn't want to be alone so she had decided to go visit her family in Ohio for a while.
It was almost seven in the morning when there was a knock at her door.
And the only words she had caught before she read the entire letter were 'MIA – missing in action.'
Feeling dizzy, she brought herself over to the couch after closing the door, placing a hand on her forehead. "Oh God," she whispered to herself before standing and running to her bathroom to empty her stomach.
Rachel had been in Lima for only six days and she was still getting sick in the morning. She had a feeling she knew why she kept upchucking but didn't mention it to Carole or Kurt or anyone else. She didn't want them to worry even more about her.
"Rachel, honey?" Carole called softly from the doorway, and the smell of bacon and eggs wafted into the room.
Feeling her stomach churn at the stench, she slapped her hand to her mouth, quickly scrambling to the bathroom and emptying her stomach again.
A hand gently rubbed her back and Rachel quietly wiped her mouth once she finished, turning toward the woman and Carole took her daughter-in-law into her arms as she broke down into sobs.
"He's – he's –" Rachel choked and Carole held back her own tears as she rocked the small girl back and forth, desperately trying to calm her down as she began to shake violently with sobs. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I was so afraid and I'm not one hundred percent sure yet and –"
"It's okay, it's okay," Carole reassured, "I'm here for you and we – we can do this."
"He's gone, Carole," Rachel whispered, the tears streaming down her pale face as she lay in the older woman's lap.
"He's just missing, Rachel, we don't know anything yet. I'm sure we'll hear something –"
"Don't lie to me!" Rachel suddenly shouted, shooting up from her lap, her eyes wide and rimmed with red. "He's gone and he's never coming back!"
Carole cried out at her words, placing her head in her hands, not being able to take it anymore. She wanted to believe that her son was out there somewhere and that he was going to be okay but these things didn't always work out so well.
New Years passed days later and Rachel spent it in the guest room at Carole's house, sobbing into her pillow and occasionally falling asleep from exhaustion.
This was the worst Christmas and beginning of a new year ever. Rachel had never felt more miserable or depressed. She felt like she was missing. Her soul, her heart was missing and she was just an empty shell of a person. She used to be so full of life and happiness with the world at her feet, the best, sweetest husband in the world and the most amazing family she could ever ask for.
And now that Finn was gone, she felt as if everything was gone. Sure she had her family and she was grateful for them but no amount of hugging or murmurs of comfort would ever even begin to make her eyes shine as they once had, make her voice high as it once had been and make her eyes happy as they once were.
Ever since Finn had joined the army she had been nothing but supportive. She was upset about it, of course, but she didn't want to discourage him about something he really wanted to do. He wanted to be like his dad, a hero. She understood that. She just wanted him to be with her.
She felt her heart ache physically and she put a hand on her chest, the ache beginning to burn in her chest and she screamed out loud in pain and frustration, her knees falling to the floor, setting her head on the bed as she openly sobbed for her loss.
He turned to her last, his eyes dark with worry; hers filled with tears at the look he gave her.
She stood there, afraid to do anything, knowing if she did, she would lose it.
Finn took a hesitant step toward her and she brought a hand to her mouth to hold her cries, not wanting to upset him even more. And he stepped over to her again and she let the tears flow as he hugged her tightly, so tightly she felt the air leave her lungs. She didn't care. She wanted to be closer, needed to be closer.
"I love you so much," she whispered against him, not even knowing if he heard her.
He pressed a kiss to her hair, "I love you."
"Come back," she swallowed the lump in her throat, "come back to me, okay?"
"Always," he grinned, his lips still in her hair.
"You promise?"
"We're tethered, Rachel," he reminded her, pulling away and looking into her eyes, "you can't ever get rid of me."
Her eyes filled with tears again and she pulled him closer to her, "good. I want you forever and always."
She gasped, sitting up in her seat, looking over to Kurt who had a similar expression on his face.
"Are you sure, Doctor?" she asked him again.
"Positive," the man told her, slightly worried by the woman's blank, empty eyes. "Mrs. Hudson are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Rachel said, getting up from her seat and making her way to the door, ignoring Kurt's murmuring to the doctor and walking out to her car.
"Are you okay?" Kurt asked once he entered the car, watching her with wary eyes.
She turned to him, her face and voice still void of any emotion. "I told you I'm fine, Kurt."
She knew he was still staring at her as she drove back to Carole's house but she didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything. She didn't feel anything.
When they got back to the house and entered the living room where Carole sat watching a movie with Burt, they looked up at Rachel expectantly. "Well?"
"Yes," Rachel whispered, knowing that if she talked any louder she would start crying again. And she once again floated to her room to be alone.
She woke up with a gasp, the pillow beneath her damp with her tears.
She had had the most wonderful and heart breaking dream.
A little baby cradled in her arms, bright brown eyes stared up at her in wonder, little limbs reached out to touch her face. She bent down to kiss the fingers that reached for her, kissed the baby's soft skin, kissed the baby's tiny, button nose.
She was in what looked to be a nursery and she glanced around the dim lit room, smiling at the crib over by the wall, zoo animals adorning the yellow walls. It was the perfect room for her perfect baby.
Her smile faltered when she realized what was missing.
No husband.
No one to admire her pretty baby with her.
No one to help her.
No Finn.
Looking back down at the perfect baby, she sighed softly, brushing her hand over the thick head of brown hair before placing another kiss on the baby's head.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered to the baby, not even noticing the tears that rolled down her cheek until the dropped onto the baby's face. "I'm so sorry," she repeated, "your daddy was the bravest, most caring man I've ever known. He's my hero," she sniffed, "and he would've loved to meet you."
The baby in her arms gurgled happily and she couldn't help but smile through her tears, placing kisses all over her child's face. "I love you so much, my precious baby boy," she choked, "forever and always."
Weeks passed and Rachel had still not returned to New York, comfortable with being with her family in Ohio. Carole needed her there too, she wanted to be with Rachel during these hard times and she knew Rachel needed her too.
Especially when it came to the baby.
She was worried because she thought Rachel would be excited about the baby but she still showed no emotion. She still walked around with a blank expression on her face, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. And it broke Carole's heart even more.
She tried taking the younger woman shopping for clothes and for cute baby things but Rachel just wasn't into it at all. She just stared at the clothes Carole presented to her excitedly, letting out a "yeah that's cute" or "sure, green is nice too."
When Kurt asked her if she wanted a girl or boy she shook her head and ran up to her room, heading straight for the bed.
She curled into a ball on the bed, her shoulders shaking with sobs. She knew what Carole, Burt and Kurt were doing. Ever since Christmas they had avoided mentioning Finn for her sake, knowing she would crumple and break so instead they tried to focus on the baby, forcing her to look at books and picking out names even if they didn't know the gender yet.
And it was killing her.
Rachel's cries quieted after a while and she felt her eyes fluttering close as the exhaustion hit her.
But then her eyes opened once she heard footsteps outside her door and she tiredly lifted her head up as Kurt peeked in the room. "Hey."
She gestured for him to come in and he sat on the side of her. "Want to tell me why you don't like talking about the baby?" he asked, straight to the point. "Is it because of Finn?"
Her lips trembled. "Of course it's because of Finn, why wouldn't it be?" her voice was low, "I don't want this baby, Kurt."
Kurt eye's widened, "I – are you saying –"
"I don't know," she whispered, "I'm just so… sad. And lost and lonely and this baby…" she shook her head, looking up at him with tear filled eyes, "you know what he said to me? That last night we all got together? It was also the night we…" she swallowed, "had unprotected sex."
Kurt stared at her, waiting for her to go on.
"We somehow started fighting about him leaving the next two days and I just broke down into tears and told him if anything were to happen to him, I could live without him. I could," she nodded and Kurt's heart broke at her whispered, "but I don't want to."
Kurt felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks as they cried together and she sniffed continuously, "and now," she said, "now look where I am. I have to live without him and so does our son or daughter. I can't –"she shook her head again, "it's too much. It's too hard."
"But you're not alone," Kurt told her tearfully, "You're not the only one without Finn, you know. Carole is here, I'm here, Blaine's here. We're all here for you, you know that."
"Of course I do," she whispered, grasping his hand tightly, "and I love you all for it but… I never wanted this. I never wanted to not have Finn. I never wanted to have a baby without their father."
Kurt nodded, understanding why she was so heartbroken about this baby. "But you have to look at it this way: the baby will look like Finn."
"That's worse!" she cried, "That's the worst part of all of this. You think I want to have a baby that looks exactly like its father?"
"That's a good thing," he gently tried to reassure her.
"No, it's not," she stubbornly argued. "I don't want to look at a kid for years, watching as it grows and looks and acts more like Finn every day. I don't want to be reminded of how I lost him and I'll never see him again."
"Rachel," Kurt stopped her, "this baby is something you and Finn created. It's going to be beautiful. And you'll regret it if anything bad happens." His eyes warned her.
She just shook her head once more, turning away from him. "No."
He tried to reason with her many times that night but she refused to listen. She did not want this child.
She just wanted Finn.
Two months. She had been in Ohio for two months. And she still wasn't ready to go back to her and Finn's home in New York.
Carole said she'd rather her have the baby in Ohio anyways but Rachel ignored that, still not sure what she would do with the baby.
Kurt gave her a warning glance from across the kitchen table when he noticed her nonchalant expression and she knew what he meant.
She didn't want to hurt Carole, she knew she was already heartbroken about losing her son and she knew focusing on this baby was distracting her from the reality of the situation.
If only she could feel that way.
It happened late at night.
Rachel had been in the living room with Kurt and Blaine, watching a movie and eating her vegan ice cream, not really paying attention when she felt it.
A little thump, a weird feeling against her skin as if butterflies were floating around in her stomach.
"Oh my God," she gasped, dropping the spoon she held and her hands flew to her stomach in shock, her eyes widening again when she felt the thump.
"What is it?" Kurt shot up from the loveseat, "oh God please tell me you're not having it now –"
"It's – it's kicking," she said in wonder, all three of them looking at her slightly rounded belly as she lifted her shirt up.
They all gasped when they saw a tiny hand or foot move.
"I think he's angry," Rachel finally said, still staring down at her skin as she felt the baby kick again and she clutched her stomach. "Oh."
Then she felt something inside her flutter, it was a light, light touch. She never would've even noticed the feeling if she hadn't been so still. "Not so hard, baby," she found herself cooing.
"Well would you look at that," Kurt said to Blaine.
Rachel looked up at them and their smiles reflected her own.
Carole had gone to all her doctor's appointments with her so far and Rachel was particularly excited for this one because she would be finding out the gender of her child.
"So what do you think it will be?" Carole asked hesitantly, hoping she wouldn't get upset like the first time she asked her.
But Rachel just smiled fondly, hands on her belly. "I've been secretly hoping it's a boy," she said, her voice going soft, "one that looks exactly like Finn."
Carole's eyes were misty. "I hope so too."
When Rachel went shopping for baby clothes this time, she knew what exactly to look for and she was in a happier mood.
"This is going to be the most spoiled baby ever," Leroy commented from the other side of the clothing rack. Her fathers had gone shopping with her this time and Carole, Kurt and Blaine tagged along as well.
"And it's not even a girl," Kurt pointed out.
Rachel giggled as she inspected a pair of baby blue socks and they all marveled at the rare sound.
It was happening again.
The strange nightmare where she woke up with a baby in her arms and Finn right beside her, only to have him suddenly disappear.
Where was he? She couldn't ever find him.
He would never be found.
Rachel screamed loudly, twisting and turning in her bed, sweat beading her forehead and she willed herself to open her eyes but couldn't. She felt as if she were lost in a big empty world, just her and her baby, who, for some reason lies limp in her arms.
Glancing down at the still child, she screamed again when she realized it wasn't breathing. How did she not notice? What kind of a mother was she?
Suddenly, the baby wasn't there anymore and she cried out in surprise and gasped loudly when she felt a sharp pain in her stomach.
"Rachel," a voice said and she looked at her surroundings, not seeing anything. It was dark now, too dark.
"Rachel." The voice said again and she began to panic. Where was it coming from?
"Rachel!" the beautiful voice sounded very worried and she felt her body shaking but she couldn't tell why. Why was she shaking so much…?
Her eyes opened and she stared into the darkness of her bedroom, feeling the tears seep down her temples and into her pillow.
"Rachel," that same voice murmured, still sounding worried and a hand pressed against her forehead. She felt something weird brush against her body and suddenly a small light flickered on, illuminating the room.
Blinking her eyes rapidly, she sat up and looked at the person kneeling down on the floor, arms on the side of her bed.
"Finn?" she said in confusion. She had never had this dream before.
"Rachel, oh God I –"
And then it hit her.
Wait. This wasn't a dream. Everything was real.
"Finn," she whispered as the reality hit her and her eyes grew bigger.
"Rachel," he breathed once more and she looked at his face, his rough face and his warm, hard brown eyes. His shaved head threw her off a little but he still looked like Finn. He still looked like her husband.
"Am I dreaming?" she said, "is this real?"
A hand reached out to smooth down her hair, "it's real, baby. I'm here."
She cried out and they reached for each other at the same time and she was suddenly in the safe circle of his arms, a waterfall streaming down her face.
Her husband stroked her warm cheeks, kissing them and moving up to kiss her forehead and her eyelids and her nose and her chin.
"You're – you're –"Rachel stuttered in complete shock, not understanding.
"I was found three weeks ago," he told her, holding her so close she literally couldn't breathe. "And when I finally got back to our base, I was granted permission to be sent home but it took a while and I sent a letter a week later letting you all know I was alright but I guess it took a while to get sent and –"
"Oh my God," Rachel whispered as she listened intently, hugging him closer, breathing in his musky scent and sobbing into his shirt.
"And I guess mom finally got the letter sometime yesterday because I called a few hours ago, hoping you would answer but she did and I told her I was on a plane on the way here and she cried and I told her the whole story and she cried some more and said she would come pick me up and so," he shrugged, "here I am."
"Why didn't –"Rachel gasped at all this information, her heart thumping wildly in her chest, "why didn't she wake me up, why didn't she tell me? Oh Finn I've been so –"
"Shh, baby," he placed a finger at her lips and she closed her eyes tightly, tears seeping through. "Let's talk about it later okay? I just – God I've missed you so fucking much," he admitted.
The reality hit her once more and she started shaking with sobs, crying and wailing loudly and he just held her, rocked her, and kissed everywhere he could reach.
"I love you," he said against her hair and she continued to cry at his voice and a very distant memory.
"I love you," she replied into his chest, "so so so much."
"I love you more," he whispered, lifting up her chin with his fingers, "more than anything or anyone in this world. I promised you I would be safe and I am, I'm here with you, Rach, I'm here."
"Forever and always?" she asked.
He smiled, "forever and always."
She got teary eyed again as she looked up into his face, "I waited," she choked, "so long. I was so worried and I felt so alone the entire time I've been here and I always thought you were gone but – I don't know," he furrowed his eyebrows at her confused expression and she continued, "I always felt this weird… like, tugging in my chest and something just – it felt like something was telling me you were still out there somewhere."
"The tether," he whispered in awe, "I felt it too. I always do."
She bit her lip and he crawled into the bed with her to lie down, getting under the blankets. They clung to each other, both refusing to let go even for a moment.
"I love you," he said again and she buried her face in his neck, wanting to stay like this, wrapped up in his arms forever. Her eyes closed and his arms tightened their grip. She didn't mind.
"Finn," she said, her eyes opening and she looked into his brown orbs and he looked back. They didn't need any more words.
Her hands reached up to caress his face, her thumb rubbing his rough cheek and he bent down to kiss her for the first time in so long. Her arms snaked around his neck as his lips collided with hers and she felt her whole body come to life, a fire rumbling in her belly.
But then she realized that her baby was kicking and she gasped against his mouth.
"What? What's wrong?" Finn stopped suddenly to ask her, looking down at her shirt which she was now lifting up to reveal the small bump.
"Oh my –"he said, and his eyes roamed her body, then landed on hers. "Is that – are you –"
"Yes," she answered, emotional and she let out a tiny laugh, "we're having a son."
Her heart did a flip at his bright, shining smile.
"Oh my God," he repeated and they were both laughing now as he gathered her in his arms again and she took his hands to place on her stomach once she felt the fluttering.
His eyes were huge in disbelief and excitement and he bent down to place a kiss on her bare tummy. Her hands rubbed his shoulders, his back, tears still ran and a permanent smile of happiness was etched onto her face as she watched her husband talk to their unborn child.
"Hi baby," he said, "I love you so much already."
The baby kicked furiously and she let out a hiss, trying to hide the slight pain.
"It's okay," her husband continued after he noticed her gritting her teeth, "daddy's home."
His name bubbled from her lips and he lifted his head from her stomach, turning to his wife now, his eyes watery.
"I missed you," she told him, moving back into his arms once he opened them.
"I told you I'd come back," he kissed her head, leaning down to press his forehead against hers. "God, I missed you too." He caressed her face this time, tracing her lips and she felt like she couldn't get close enough to him.
She crushed her lips onto his and he happily reciprocated, opening his mouth once her tongue demanded it. They kissed for a long while, only pausing briefly for air and Rachel protested when he stopped.
He chuckled, "baby, we have all the time in the world now for that." He shrugged again, "right now I just want to be here. With you."
And with that, she curled into his arms once again that night, still refusing to let go of him, even for a second. All the waiting, all the pain and heartache was worth it. He came back to her just like he had promised and now she could have her baby with him by her side and they could be a family.
No words were spoken the rest of the night, just them two holding onto each other as if the other would suddenly leave or disappear. They would discuss everything else later but right now Rachel lies in her husband's arms as her heart, her soul, her world was slowly but surely began to heal.