Finding My Way

by My2BrownEyes

Occurring after the events of Thor:The Dark World and Avengers:Age of Ultron Loki's ruse is discovered. And when Steve returns to his room in the new Avengers facility, he finds an uninvited guest. Loki/Steve

Occurring after the events of Thor:The Dark World and Avengers:Age of Ultron

Loki's ruse is discovered. And when Steve returns to his room in the new Avengers facility, he finds an uninvited guest.

Written for lokishield on Tumblr as part of HolidayStoking2015

Note: I do not own or profit from any characters from Marvel or Norse mythology

---

Loki looks in the mirror and sees Odin. Literally. He thought he could live with that, to look at the face of the man he detests as payment for sitting on the Asgardian throne. But it wears on him. It's as though Odin himself is reminding him how inadequate and unloved he is, how no one could ever except him as himself.

That damned face.

He scratches at that one-eyed visage, feeling the pain as his fingernails dig into the bearded flesh.

His hands drop.

He can practically hear Odin's voice. 'Weak. I should have left you to die.'

"And then what?" Loki replies in Odin's voice. "Who would have helped Thor save Midgard and all the Nine Realms?"

'Without you, Midgard would not have needed saving.'

Loki looks in the mirror and sees Odin's face. What's worse, he hears the truth in his words. "I am not you. I am not you. I am emnotem you!" He smashes his fist into the mirror. The pain shoots up his arm from the knuckles he knows are bloody. Sure enough, at the center of the shatter is a blob of red.

"Damn you," Loki mutters. But at least he knows it is himself in the mirror.

With a wave of his hand, the mirror appears repaired, spotless.

There's a knock at his chamber door. On his way to open it, Loki puts a glamour on his hand to make it appear healed. "Yes?" he demands as he flings the door open.

Odin, proud and angry, grabs hold of Loki's neck. "Imposter!"

Seeing Sif, Fandral, and Volstagg behind the king, Loki quickly formulates a plan. "Me?" he chokes out from Odin's grip. "You." He tries to loosen Odin's hold on him. When that doesn't work, he hits him with a bolt of magic. Coughing, he suddenly glares at the warriors. "Don't tell me you're fooled by this imposter!"

"They know who you are, Loki," Odin sneers. "They know you yet live."

"So that's who you are," Loki replies.

"No, that's who emyou/em are."

"Childish to the last, eh, Loki?" If he can remain calm, the God of Mischief is sure he'll be able to get through this.

Odin punches him in the face.

"Son of a -!" Loki feels a chilling warmth pass through him. Magic. If not for the faces of the warriors, he might have believed that nothing had changed.

"Your lies are over, Loki," Odin says.

Loki looks at his hand, the one he had just hurt. The fingers are his own, long and slender, and the wound is visible once again. "What did you do?" He looks at the warriors. "Don't believe this! It's another one of the Trickster's lies!"

Sif steps forward, sward drawn. "You're the liar. I should have known when you ordered me not to kill Lorelai."

"That's right," Odin growls. "Heimdall led them to where you were holding me prisoner."

"Well so much for loyalty to the king of Asgard," Loki spits. He whips out a blade and stabs Sif with it. Just as he is about to make his escape, Volstagg grabs him from behind as Fandral tries to put the ani-magic cuffs on him. "No!" Loki protests. "You do not rule over my destiny. Not anymore!"

Odin pushes Fandral aside and backhands Loki across the face. "I have, and I will."

Loki's green eyes narrow with rage. "Try that again."

xxx

Steve Rogers walks wearily into his room at the Avengers facility and closes the door behind him. He leans against it, not yet turning on the lights, not wanting to spend another night searching for leads on Bucky's whereabouts.

The sound of raspy breathing makes his body stiffen.

Great. Because today wasn't already crappy.

Pushing off from the door, he quietly takes his shield from his back. He heads silently towards the sound.

Given the lack of alarms, it could be an animal or someone who works here. Neither gives him comfort, though he'd prefer it if it were an animal.

Whatever it is is on the couch. He can see a large dark shape there. Approaching it cautiously, he waits until he's close to make his move.

Steve brings his shield to his chest then jumps on top of it.

It screams in pain. There's a half moment of silence, shock probably, before it struggles to get free.

But Steve is too strong for it. "JARVIS, lights." The light shines on dark hair and dark clothes and a pale hand with long fingers clawing at the edge of the shield.

"Gerroff," it says as though muffled by the couch cushions.

"Who are you?" the Captain demands. "How did you get in here?"

"Gerroff," it says again with more insistence.

"How?" he asks more forcefully, shoving the shield down.

There's another bark of pain. Part of the form turns, and fierce green eyes look up at him. "Get. Off," the familiar voice orders.

"Loki?" The surprise slackens Steve's hold, but the god only has enough room to shift beneath him. "What are you doing here? Aren't you dead?"

His nostrils flare. "Yes. This is my ghost come to haunt you. Will you get off me now please?"

"Please? Wow." The word almost shocks him more than seeing the Trickster alive.

"You're hurting me," Loki insists. He winces at his own words. Such weakness.

Steve doesn't move off him. Instead his hand cups the god's cheek and chin. He leans in, gently turning Loki's head for a better look, and notices a few things. There's the pallor, the dark circles under the eyes, and the eyes themselves. They're green, the green from when they looked defiantly from above the muzzle Thor had put on him, not the blue from the Tesseract's influence. The difference had been startling to Steve the first time he saw the true shade of Loki's eyes. They had haunted him ever since.

Now he's staring into them. They're just as defiant as before but there's something missing. No, not missing just different. The wildness in them that had been full of defiance and what Steve could only call glee is now the wildness of someone who is trapped and wounded.

Suddenly realizing how close they are, Steve pulls away. "What happened?" He's on the other end of the couch now, his shield between them. "Everyone thinks you're dead. Again."

"I told you. Ghost." Loki sits up slowly, painfully.

Steve immediately rests the shield on the floor and begins to check him over. He notes the wincing when he touches the ribcage as well as the odd angle of his shoulder. "We should take you to medical."

The god gives him a look. "I will be gone before your people try to restrain me." He just hopes he has enough energy to actually do it.

"No restraints," Steve promises.

Loki tries for a smile. He needs to gain the upper hand in this situation and decides that discombobulating the Captain is the best course of action. He makes his voice husky, sexual. "No restraints? That's almost disappointing."

Steve can feel the heat rising in his cheeks. He frowns, brow furrowed, not wanting to acknowledge the effect those words said in that way is having on him. "Well if you really want them…" He keeps his eyes on the intricate Asgardian leather.

The god finds the blush sweet yet alluring. He shakes his head to remind himself why he's there. It will not do to have his plan backfire on himself. His voice returns to a more formal cadence. "I did not think you would be here."

"Is that why you came?" Steve continues to feel around the god's torso for a way to unfasten the leather tunic thing.

"Yes. I needed a place to lick my wounds."

Fingers still searching for a buckle or zipper or tie, he replies, "You're going to need more than licking. How does this come off?"

Loki smiles, deciding to try again. "Are you offering to lick me?" He guides Steve's hands to the buckles beneath his left arm.

Steve's blush darkens. "If you're trying to flirt with me, you should know I'm not very good at it."

He winces again at the Midgardian's touch. "Not that you would be interested. Not the great Captain America."

"I'm old not dead," Steve replies. He glances up at Loki. "And don't try to make it my fault. I'd date a man before you'd date a mortal."

"Would you? I find that very hard to believe." He shrinks away from Steve's touch with a sharp intake of breath.

"Sorry." The Captain sits back and looks at Loki. "I'm pretty sure your shoulder is dislocated. We need to set it back into place. We can take you to medical where a professional can do it, which will hurt. Or I can do it, which will probably hurt worse."

"If it must be done, you do it," Loki tells him.

Steve nods. "Lie on your back. Injured shoulder towards me."

"Oh, Captain. So forceful," he coos.

Steve makes an un-amused face. "Just do it."

Loki lies down with his injured shoulder facing the man.

Holding his arm, Steve slowly pulls it, applying even pressure to coax it back into the socket.

Breathing through the pain, Loki reminds himself how much worse he used to have it. Suddenly there's a sort of relief as the shoulder pop backs in. It certainly feels better. That is to say, the pain is less severe. "Thank you."

"Yeah. But that's not your only injury, is it." Steve returns to trying to get Loki's clothes off. "This would be a lot easier if you could magic yourself into some pajamas."

"I believe you mean it'd be easier if I left." He sits up and tries to stand, but Steve holds his shoulders down. He shuts his eyes in pain.

Steve frowns. "Sorry. Sorry. Would it be okay if I cut your clothes off you?"

"I beg your pardon?" Loki stares at him. "You really aren't good at flirting. You want to keep it full of innuendo and somewhat vague."

He chuckles. "I wasn't flirting. I am wanting to figure out how badly you're hurt."

"Oh. Well that's disappointing." It's an offhand comment, one with more truth than he'd ever care to admit. He sighs. "You need not concern yourself. I'll heal. I always do." He leans forward to stand but is pushed back, gently this time.

Steve sits next to him and searches those green eyes. "You came here for a reason. What was it?"

He has a hard time returning the gaze. But he forces himself to do it. "The Avengers facility is the last place anyone would look for me. I chose an abandoned room. That's all," he lies.

Leaning back, Steve crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Bullshit. You're too calculating to have chosen a room randomly." He makes a face. "And Thor told me about your little impression of me. You could feel my righteousness surging?" He smiles at Loki's sudden discomfort. "That's twice you've chosen me. Why?"

Loki can't bring himself to look at the Captain. "You're the symbol of American ideals."

"Uh-huh." He doesn't sound like he believes him. "Maybe try the truth this time."

"I like your outfit." The god smiles. "In particular your ass in it."

Even though it sounds like an answer designed only to get a reaction, the blush is back. Feeling pissed now, he decides to respond in kind. "I'm almost sorry I'm not wearing it now."

Green eyes look up at him in amused surprise. "Much better. You're getting the hang of it."

Steve shrugs. "So are you going to tell me what happened?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does if you're going to try to take over the world again."

Loki shakes his head. "I'm not." He looks down at his hands. "I was king of Asgard. I was a good king. I'm not king anymore."

Steve's brow furrows. "I thought Odin was king."

"He was. Sort of." He gives a small sad smile. "Up until today, I was Odin if you can believe that."

"You?" Steve thinks back to what Thor had told him. He starts to laugh.

Loki rests his head against the back of the couch. "Well I'm happy you find it amusing."

"It was you who sent Thor away with such kind words." He shakes his head with a chuckle. "He thought it was your mother's death that changed your father. But it wasn't him at all, was it. It was you."

There's a small smile. "Guilty as charged. And he is not my father."

Steve looks at him with renewed fascination. "Did you mean them, the words? Or was it just to get rid of Thor."

Loki shrugs. "Honestly, I'm not sure myself." He stares at the scabs on his knuckles from the mirror. "It's what Thor needed to hear."

Studying the green eyes during that answer, he decides, "You did it out of love as much as for the throne. Otherwise you would have just banished him, let him think he disappointed Odin. That would have been the best revenge."

"He might have returned looking for forgiveness."

Steve knows that's just a poor excuse. "So you make Thor feel all special worthy as you sent him away, and then you were free to rule as Odin without anyone knowing. Clever."

"I thought so," he says smugly, in a way that reminds Steve of the new Sherlock Holmes.

"So who found you out?"

The smile disappears as Loki wraps an arm around his middle. "Odin. No one else could have done such damage." He looks up at the Captain. "Are you going to turn me in?"

Steve takes a heavy breath. "I probably should."

There's a glimmer of hope. "But?"

"But a government that conceals your past, teaches you to hate yourself, and then condemns you only after you learn the truth isn't exactly worthy of trust." There is a passion in his eyes as he says this.

"You've been reading up on me?"

There's a slight blush again. "Reading and talking to Thor. Since the Battle of New York, I've tried to understand you. At first I thought maybe it was just the Tesseract's influence. But then I quickly realized it was more complicated than that." There's a twinge of disappointment in his voice. "You could have risen above Odin's teachings, but you chose to embrace them instead."

Loki closes his eyes to gather his magical strength knowing he'll need it to make a quick exit. But then after a short pause the Captain surprises him.

"Clint said you read up on all of us when you were here."

"Yes." He isn't sure where the Midgardian is going with this.

"Then you know my background."

He nods and looks the blond in the eye. He's momentarily distracted by the long lashes. "Unhealthy child who defied the odds by becoming a man. Kept enlisting in the Army until they finally accepted him. Allowed his government to experiment on him to turn the tide of battle and, more importantly, to fight against fascism."

Steve's eyebrow rises. "Most people say it was to defend my country or to do my part during the war."

"That implies reaction." Loki stares deeply into the blue eyes. "Whereas you are definitely proactive."

A corner of his mouth rises. "How is it you know me better than most? People usually think I'm either a mindless soldier or a dangerous anarchist."

The Trickster chuckles, wincing at the pain it causes. "Mindless soldier and dangerous anarchist. I think you just described Thor and me. Or at least what we used to be."

"And who are you now?" Steve wonders.

There is pain in his eyes when he answers. "I don't know anymore. Nothing good."

Steve reaches out and takes his hand. "You are who you want to be."

His jaw sets even as his heart flutters. "I want to be king."

"No you don't," the blond assures him.

Dark eyebrows rise. "No?"

"No," Steve insists. Then he quotes Loki from the night they met. "The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity." He lets the words hang in the air. "You were talking about yourself."

"Nonsense." Loki looks at their hands still joined.

"Okay." He moves his hand away but only to return to their original task of trying to remove Loki's top.

"Still trying to undress me?"

Steve blushes but keeps his response light. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all." Loki moves his body as needed to make it an easier process. "It's been a long time since anyone's undressed me."

"Maybe we should make it a regular thing." Steve can feel his cheeks burning at his own words, and he can't look at Loki.

"Definitely improving."

He looks up then. "Well I have a good teacher."

Raising his arm, Loki winces slightly as the blond tugs the shirt off him, removing it from the injured arm last.

"Geez."

The pale torso has one very large bruise on the left side. Loki looks down at it. "Not as banged up as when your Hulk decided to pound me into the floor." Returning his gaze to Steve, he asks, "Do you realize what this means?"

"That your schemes usually end with you getting beat up?"

Loki huffs out a chuckle. "No. Well yes. That is getting to be a pattern isn't it. But it's not what I meant," he says with a small shake of his head. "It means I'll survive. I'll heal and go on to concoct another scheme to take over Asgard."

"You don't have to. Take over Asgard I mean," Steve corrects.

"What could I possibly do instead?"

"Join the Avengers."

Loki laughs and immediately groans at the pain. "The Avengers. You can't be serious."

"I am." He shrugs. "Okay, maybe not completely. But you could do a lot of good in the world."

Turning, Loki's thumb gently strokes Steve's cheek. "Do you honestly think anything I touch would be trusted after all I've done?"

"You're touching me. Does that make me suspect?" He puts his hand over Loki's.

"Your government hasn't exactly been happy with you," Loki points out. "And seeing you with me would certainly make things worse."

Steve's eyebrow rises. "So you know about that? You keeping tabs on me, Loki?" There's a half smile to go along with the tease.

"I always keep an eye on my enemies," he replies softly as his eyes focus in on his lover's plump bottom lip.

"Yeah?" His tongue wets that lip automatically, not knowing how much of a turn on it is to the god.

"Yeah," Loki sighs back.

Steve reaches out and gently presses his fingers against the bruise.

He tries to pull away. "Yes it hurts." The words are much more testy.

"I'm trying to see if they're broken." It is said in a tone that clearly tells Loki to stop being a baby about it.

The god pouts. "How would you like it if I did that to you? Press my fingers into your bruise."

"These fingers?" Steve picks up one of Loki's hands and examines it. "These long, beautiful fingers?"

"Beautiful?"

"Artistically speaking. I'd love to draw them." His own fingers glide over the hand as though studying it, memorizing the texture and the anatomy of them.

"Captain," Loki begins.

Blue eyes look up through long lashes. "Call me Steve."

He nods. "Steve, I should go."

"Why? You're safe here. I won't tell anyone –"

Loki kisses him firmly and slowly pulls away. "That's why I should go."

Steve's mouth is open as the realization of what just happened processes through his brain. "Oh."

"Oh." He gives his best predatory smile. "If I wasn't so bruised, I'd already have you naked and at my mercy." He sees a blush erupt into the Captain's cheeks. "Then I'd release it as a sex tape. Captain America getting fucked by the very man who almost destroyed New York."

The Midgardian purses his lips. "So how long have you been alone?"

"What?" That was not the reaction he was expecting. And the question seems to come out of nowhere.

Steve explains his reasoning. "You've been pretending to be Odin. For how long? Since the incident in England? It had to have been." Compassion glows in his eyes. "That was, what, two years ago? Almost three?"

Loki scowls.

"It must be so lonely. You have no one to share anything with."

Indignant, he tries to stand and has to use the coffee table to prevent himself from falling over. "I don't need anyone."

"You may not think you do, but you do."

"What do you know about it? You know nothing!" He hates how much the Captain's words are hurting.

Steve remains seated, calm. "When I first woke up from the ice, I had no one. Pretty much everyone I knew was dead. The only people I could even partly relate to had lived their lives while I stood still." He looks at Loki. "I know how lonely it is."

Looking down his nose at Steve, Loki declares, "I am alone not lonely."

He nods. "I used to tell myself that, too. And I was right maybe half the time. But I was wrong the other half." He rises and hands Loki the clothes he took off of him. "So if you ever want to ease my loneliness, I'll be here."

Snatching the clothes away, the god straightens as best he can. "I know what you're doing. Do you really think I'd just grasp onto the belief that visiting would be a favor to you?"

Steve smiles warmly. "You're too clever for me. How about a chess partner then? I could use a worthy opponent. Do you know chess?"

Loki shakes his head. "Can't be too difficult if Midgardians came up with it."

He rolls his eyes. "Trash-talking before you even learn the game? Bad form." He walks to a closet. "And for the record, it's only as difficult as your opponent." He pulls out a chess set. "Care to try?"

Green eyes study the box. "What's the object?"

"It's right up your alley. Domination," he replies with a smile. He sits at the small table and starts to set it up. "I'll be white. You'll be black."

Curiosity makes Loki walk over, his clothes still in his hand. He sits opposite the Captain when he begins to explain the rules.

After two games, both won by the Midgardian, Steve asks if he's hungry. "I can order pizza," he offers.

"I should go. But I want a rematch." He does not like losing.

"You gotta eat," Steve reasons. "We can play another game while we wait."

Loki considers the offer. He nods. That starts a discussion about what toppings to get. "Whatever you normally get will be fine."

"You sure? If you're allergic to anything…"

"I can always banish it."

Steve gives a confused look. "Banish it?" He chuckles. "It's not a subject of the realm."

There's a small smile. "Sorry. I got used to being king. I can pick it off. Better?"

"Better. I'll eat whatever you reject."

After pizza and two more games, Steve tries to convince Loki to stay on the couch. "Too dangerous," he replies. "The longer I stay in one place, the more likely Heimdall will be able to find me. Not to mention your friends who'd probably prefer to see me without my head."

Steve nods. "Will you come back?" He says it with puppy dog eyes.

Loki chuckles. "I'll try. Only for a rematch."

"Only for a rematch." He smiles. "See you soon. I hope."

The god nods. "Until next time. Steve."

"Until next time. Lo'."

Loki hesitates a moment. Then he lunges forward and takes another kiss. This time, Steve kisses back. They pull apart slowly and exchange shy smiles.

"Yeah," Steve says. "I think I finally met my match."

A small blush appears on Loki's cheeks. "Indeed." He runs a hand through his hair as though not wanting to leave. But then a moment later, there is only an empty space where he had been.

Steve stands alone in his room and touches his lips. "I'm in so much trouble." But there's a smile as he says it, and his heart feels lighter than it has in a very long time.