MUTUAL AFFLICTION

written on 1/07/2016

Another one that I wrote set after The Abominable Bride, because really the special is something special indeed. Thought I'd share it everywhere besides just on Tumblr. Sometimes I think about fics later after originally deciding that maybe I just want to keep it at one place and change my mind later. Anyways, I hope you like this angst train. I'm quite fond of where it leads.

Enjoy my dears.

much love,

day

Sherlock was sweating under the cool air of the London night. A sign perhaps of his need to be anywhere but outside the doorway of one of the only people he actually trusted with this - with his problem.

He had knocked twice, judging from the hour that she had just gotten in and might have been almost asleep when he decided to knock.

She came two minutes later. Two very hellish minutes of him hoping that she wouldn't ignore the knocks; ignore him. When she opened the door for him she gave him one look before shutting the door his face. He took in a long breath, unmoving has he waited once more. The door opened once again and she made a grab for his shirt, pulling him inside without a word.

She followed the motion up with pushing him with a considerable amount of force down the hall to her washroom where she only told him to take off his shoes before inclining her head to the bath. The shower curtain was already pulled back. He gave her a short look before obliging. The water hit him hard.

If he wasn't already shaking he was when she seemed he had had enough. She had laid out a spare set of his clothes that he hadn't taken back with him to Baker Street the last time he had come around and lingered.

He found her in the kitchen, pouring tea into her less feline centered mugs and she placed one in his hand. It was the first time he felt the calm yet delicate touch of a woman he knew had been through enough with him to do these things without saying a word. Her actions were enough.

They settled in her sitting room in silence, sipping tea before Molly finally opened her mouth. "I'm not mad." She paused. "Okay, that was a lie. I'm furious but I'm not as shocked as you would think. When you asked me for help the first time I knew what I was getting into. I knew what you were, what you are. It doesn't matter though, not right now. You obviously had a motive in coming here."

Sherlock watched her talk in this slow tense way of coming undone in front of him. He knew she had a lot of pent up aggression towards him. About his habits especially.

The last time he had seen her she had been worse. The slaps were fresh in his mind. Her pushing him into a cold shower was just another version of that. His wake up call.

He needed to tell her. It was important to the both of them. Him especially given his sudden rush to get here after dealing with everyone else. That had taken all day and though he was exhausted in the sense he owed her so much.

"Help me…Molly. I know I don't deserve it, after doing this again." He placed the blue cup down and looked at her. Watched the thin line of her mouth increase into a smile. It wasn't real. False comfort. Because it's what he did to her. She didn't know how much he meant it then. "It won't work with anyone else."

She scoffed, her voice shaking the slightest. "Why is it me? Why is it always me that has to dig you out of the ground when it appears you don't want to be here? You want to die. It's the only…" He rushed to his feet stumbling as he fell to the ground next to her, clasping his hands around hers.

"NO." His voice sounded like lead, as he tried to explain it to her. "I thought I was already dying. The mission…it was going to end in me dead somewhere where I couldn't come back. I wanted to do it on my terms."

"It doesn't make it better." Molly tried to take her hand back but he wouldn't let go of her. He couldn't let go. Not now.

"I'm aware of that, Molly please. I'll do it here. I can't just keep doing this."

That was something they could both agree on. Molly gave her a jerky nod as she sniffled. Her eyes was watering and she hated it.

"No you can't. This is killing me as much as it is you." She sounded tired. He knew that she was.

He nodded, he knew how much it affected her. It was a mutual affliction. "I can't ask anyone else. You're the person who never let's me down. I've had moments when you help me when you're not actually there. I want you to be there in this moment because I need you. I need you to not give up on me. I haven't given up on you…" He breathes, pressing his damp hair into her thigh as he squeezes her hand.

"What do you mean you haven't given up on me?" Molly was at a stand still. He had her up until that moment. She had known that he was most vulnerable when he was like this but it hadn't been as clear until they were alone in her flat together.

Sherlock hesitates as he turns his head to the side so he could at least be staring at her when he told her. "I would you show you but it would probably cause you to slap me again which, granted I don't mind." He braved a small chuckle as Molly touched his hair in a patting motion.

"Try me. You claim I'm your only option. Prove it to me."

Sherlock shut his eyes a moment. His mind slowly registering Molly and what she knows she's done for him and the things that she doesn't. Outside of it he turns her hand in his and press a delicate peck at her wrist. "I'll start there. A drugged make out session isn't on my list of ways to woo the most important woman apart from your mother."

Molly for her part has grown still. She was staring at his curly head out of disbelief. Sherlock had kissed her for the third time but this time it had seemed so intimate. She knew how to check a pulse. He was showing her a glimpse of what he was trying to evoke in his worst state.

"Why now?"

Sherlock lifted his head and slowly pushed himself up until he was back on his feet. He was looking at her in the ways he only ever looked at her when they were alone or she wasn't looking. "Because I don't want to lose you a second time."

Molly head bent down. She knew he was referring to her engagement. The one he was glad was over. She had thought he meant to be sarcastic but perhaps he had meant it. "You aren't going to lose me, Sherlock." She paused before looking up at him. "You're not going to lose yourself either."

Molly moved to stand beside him and drew his arm over her shoulder. She could feel him watching her. "The first night is the worst. Let's go to bed."

Sherlock promised himself that he would wait until he wasn't like this but having her hold him as he shook made his mind shift very slightly. He pressed a tender kiss to her forehead as she slept next to him. A silent thank you for everything she had done and everything that would happen should it all begin to go in the right direction.