The Girl in the Straw Hat
The girl in the straw hat was scared when I first met her. She was shaking on the floor, sitting up against a young oak past the bushes where I'd been exploring. He knee was bleeding.
I couldn't see her face. It was buried inside her small hands. Tears leaked from her fingers and fell on to her dress, stained with mud and grass. The sun gave off a warm light, illuminating the gold in her hair, and I probably watched her longer than I should have. I was only seven at the time—and I hadn't seen too many girls up close—so I was pretty captivated, especially since she was crying. I'd seen my mom cry plenty after Dad left, and even then I hated watching her hurt. I would start crying too. There was something pretty heartbreaking about a girl's tears. The girl in the straw hat was no exception. I wanted to make her pain go away.
I tried not to make too much noise. I didn't want to scare her even more. I managed to climb through the bushes and make it to the other side, but her head had shot up at the sound of the leaves rustling during my struggle. I was a small kid.
"Hey," I said, giving her a smile, "are you alright?"
She looked at me with tears still running down her cheeks. I had to pause for a moment because the red in her eyes made them look as blue as the dragon scales washing up on the sand near my house. She was really pretty.
"Hi, I'm Ash," I declared, probably trying to look all confident and macho, but inside I could feel my stomach flying, "Who are you? What's wrong?"
"I…," she looked down at her leg, her cheeks turning a dark shade of pink, "I hurt my leg."
I knelt down in front of her and pulled out a handkerchief that used to be my dad's. I tied it around her knew without a second thought, saying, "Here. This will make it better."
She winced as I pulled the knot tight.
"It still hurts,"
I stood up and smiled. I offered her my hand.
"Don't give up 'til it's over, okay?"
She still seemed scared. Probably for a reason. I could be a scary kid.
Either way, I took hold of her and pulled her up a little too hard. She fell in to my chest and I could feel my face burning. Her cheek was up against mine. Her gold hair spilled on to my face. It smelled like the red roses Mom grows in the garden.
She pulled away, her bright eyes wide. I offered her a nervous grin, "There ya go! C'mon, we should be heading back."
I didn't let go of her hand. My heart thundered in my ears. I hadn't ever held the hand of a girl—one who wasn't my mom, I mean. This girl's hand was like the softest thing I'd ever touched. I didn't want to let it go. It made me feel like a king.
That king was holding hands with the prettiest girl in the world.
To me, love was this thing that hurt people.
Even when I got older, Mom wouldn't stop crying. I got mad about it and asked her why she was always in so much pain.
She said it was because of my dad. She said that it was because she still loved him.
I asked her if Dad still loved her. She said that she didn't know. She said that he did a long time ago, and that his love moved her to love him back. She chose him, because he chose her. And one day he decided to choose something else instead.
She said love hurts when you have it and it hurts when you don't have it; it just hurts you all the time.
And she kept crying.
She chose love. I decided I wouldn't.
I really should've recognized her.
Serena had the same eyes, the same hair—everything.
I don't know. I guess after building up this emotional density for so long, I didn't want to believe that she had been the girl in the straw hat—the girl that had held my hand.
I stared at her as she held out my handkerchief. She was blushing, that same color the day I met her, and the memory came back to me in detail vivid enough for me smell the roses in her hair; to feel my heart throbbing in my hands. I tried to stop it. I tried to get out of that world, the one where feelings used to get in the way of everything. I couldn't.
"The girl in the straw hat," I said and smiled, as if I'd been freed from something.
"That's right!" Serena exclaimed, her face lighting up like a dazzling fire against the twilight, and her eyes were the blue flames in the heart of the embers.
"I remember you." I felt the handkerchief between my fingers, and found myself wishing that it was her hand. Her hand would have been softer to touch.
She smiled again, but then turned to walk away.
My stomach dropped to my feet and I almost grabbed her wrist. I felt the sweat pool at the back of my neck even though a shiver went up through my teeth. I asked her to wait.
Serena stopped. She turned around.
"Would you," I scratched the back of my head, grimacing like a fool, "I mean, would you like to travel with us?"
Her eyes widened, twinkling in their spheres. I wondered what her eyes would look like in the sky. It was the strangest thought…but I wondered if they'd be as bright as a star up there in space. I figured they'd be brighter, but I tried to stop thinking about it. I didn't like thinking about stars. They were too far away.
The snowball came hard and fast and knocked me to the floor.
I looked up at the sky, blinking. Ice began to melt in to my hair, freezing over the skin on the back of my neck. Everything that felt numb in me began to thaw. A small flicker of rage ignited some fuse within me, and I could feel the flame work up my spine. It followed the line to my head and I exploded.
I yelled at nothing in particular. I yelled at the sky. It was grey and looked opaque and oppressive, and I couldn't see anything beyond it. It was like I was trapped, and just now realizing it.
Thanks to Serena.
I sat up in the snow with a grunt. I took off my hat and shook the snow from my hair. A part of me began to panic, as I looked around the forest and saw that she had left. Her footprint still fresh on the floor. A wall, which I had spent months building around her, was breaking before my eyes and I scrambled to rebuild the pieces but the wind blew them away from my fingers.
"No, no, no, no, no," I muttered, grabbing at my hair.
You'll never understand…leave me alone…
What had I done? How had I let her in without trying to let her in? Why had she followed me anyway? What was she expecting?
The Ash I know never gives up to 'til the end…that's the Ash I…I…
I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to forget about it, just as I'd forgotten about everything else. I didn't want to believe she cared about me. It would get in the way—I'd lose my focus. I'd—I'd just hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her.
But in a way I just had.
The thought made jump up from the floor. I had hurt her! Just now, I had hurt her by giving up!
I smiled. I smiled so wide, it hurt my frozen cheeks.
I couldn't give up. For her, I could do anything; except give up.
I was watching the rain pour down hard on roofs of the city houses from the balcony of our room. The thundering on the tin proved to be louder than the distant bellowing of the storm, but it was still calming. While the rest of the world slept, I measured the lightning on a scale of one to ten, based off the brightness of the flashes against the night.
"Ash?" I heard Serena whisper from the dark behind me, and I listened to her step forward, closing the door to the room where Bonnie and Clemont still slept. "How are you?"
She sat next to me and gave me her encouraging smile.
I could feel my heart begin to race, but kept my eyes determined and confident up ahead. I offered her a reassuring, crooked smile.
"I'm nervous," I admitted and was surprised that I had, but it felt natural to be honest with her now; "It's been a while since I've made the finals of any league."
Serena listened. She began watching the rain too, and a comforting silence settled over us. She didn't offer any promises about the future. She didn't say I'd win, or that I shouldn't nervous, or that I'd be okay. Instead, she felt my worry with me. We sat quietly together, in the nervousness that we now shared, so that I wouldn't have to feel nervous alone.
"Ash?"
I looked at her.
Serena blushed. "I—there's something I want—you know, to tell you," She began scrambling for words, laughing uneasily, and her fingers intertwined themselves together.
I looked away. I prayed for the darkness to hide the heat on my face. My breath staggered at the though of what she might say. I dreaded and craved the words. I didn't want to think about how I would respond; I didn't want to think she'd actually give me what I needed to move forward with my affections for her.
I began to panic.
It was too late. The league was almost over. I would be halfway across the ocean come next week, and I didn't know if I wanted her to come with me. I didn't know if she'd want to come with me. I don't want to get in the way of her dreams.
"It's late,"
Serena stopped. She looked at me shocked, as if I had just slapped her. "What?"
"It's getting late," I said again, my voice barely above a whisper. A sharp pain stabbed my chest. "I should go to bed,"
Serena began to trembled. I told myself it was because of the cold. I wanted to reach out and bring her in to me, but convinced myself that I would just hurt her if I did that. I would just hurt her anyway.
She got up and turned away from me. She wiped her eyes.
I pretended not to notice.
She left.
The rain drowned out the words that went unspoken.
The day we said goodbye, I couldn't even look at her really. Every time I did, I just thought about what she might have said that night—what I didn't let her say—and I could still see the rain in her eyes.
Bonnie and Clemont had just left on a plane back to Lumoise. Serena and I waiting in the hanger for our flights to arrive, and it was quite between us. We listened to footprints echo against the tiles as people traveled to their gates; to kids crying for samples from the man selling pokepuffs at a kiosk. We listened to pokemon and trainers interact with one another as they waited to board; to the laughter born from shared stories. We listened to anything but each other.
I was heading back to Pallet Town to regroup. I felt a little lost after losing to Alain in the finals. I needed to head back home to where things made sense. My emotions were beginning to feel a bit too raw and I didn't like that; and I didn't like the way Serena could tell.
"How long will you be in Kanto?" Serena asked, looking down, playing with the edges of her ticket.
I watched Pancham and Pikachu explore the hanger, making friends with some kids across the way. I shrugged.
"What do you think you'll do next?"
Again, I didn't know what to say. I didn't really know what my next move was, but I figured there'd be other regions to revisit and explore and I told her that.
"That sounds like the Ash I know," she said, a sigh on her chest, "never give up 'til it's over."
I looked at her, but couldn't see her eyes hidden under the shadow of her hat. I buried my face in my hands and groaned, wondering what the heck was wrong with me.
After another minute or so, we heard the boarding call for the Vaniville flight over the intercom, echoing throughout the hanger like a funeral bell.
Serena stood up and called out to Pancham. Pikachu came running too, jumping in to her arms to say goodbye. I felt an odd wave of jealousy surge over me. She hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead.
"Pika?" Pikachu muttered, placing a small paw on her cheek where a tear had trickled down her ivory skin.
"Oh, it's nothing," Serena smiled, wiping it away, "I'm just going to miss you is all. Both of you."
She looked at me and I stood up to say goodbye. I rubbed my nose and began to panic. I tried to speak but couldn't, because I didn't trust myself not to ask her to come with me. I wanted her too, I realized, I wanted her to come see my hometown. I wanted to show her Kanto—the steep cliffs of Pewter city, the azure waters of Cerulean—but she had to stay.
I couldn't ask her to go with me. I was scared. I was scared of this girl, of what she might say, of what could do to me…I was more scared than I'd like to admit. I needed to get away from her.
"Ash, are you okay?" she asked, her eyes softening over mine, the way I'd seen them do every time she was worried about me.
For the first time in my life, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know who to choose.
"Of course," I said and gave her a reassuring grin, but it hurt. I winced at the electrical shock of my dread as it continued to pulse through me.
Last call for Vaniville…Last call…
"I'll see you again," I promised, but realized it was more to reassure myself than it was for her sake. I shook my head at the unbelievable density I could be capable of. "I'll see you again."
Serena placed a hand over her heart and nodded, her lips curving in to a small smile. She turned leave and walked away, Pancham following close behind.
"Pika, pi!" Pikachu cried out in his cheerful way and I just stood there, confused.
I didn't know if I should've shaken her hand or a high-five, I mean, this goodbye felt wrong. It felt all wrong and open-ended, but I just stared after her like kid choking at his first pokemon battle. I threw myself back down on the bench and buried my face in my hands again, groaning.
I stayed like that for a few minutes until I hear footsteps approach.
I looked up.
Serena stared down at me with a strange expression on her face. I jumped up from my bench with a yelp. Before I could ask her what was wrong, she leaned forward, her body falling in to mine the way it did on the day we met; except this time, she kissed me.
The skin under my cheeks burned. My heart hammered in my ears. My eyes, open from shock, didn't register anything but the white light reflecting from the nearness of her skin. They fell shut only after my sense of touch took over, memorizing the feel of her lips, the moisture on her breath, the trembling of her hands; the warmth of her body. That ardor burned through me, seeping in to my blood, warming me from the ground up.
She pulled away.
As quickly as a heat came, it left. Suddenly, it was cold. I was cold.
She searched my eyes. I searched hers.
She turned and left, running.
I just watched her go, my lips still parted by the impression of her kiss. I didn't run after her.
R&R