First off, the disclaimer: we don't own anyone, there, happy?
now, i'd like to thank AbigailBreslinRocks13 for helping me with this totally random fic! she wrote some parts and i wrote the others, here are the thingies:
italics: what abr13 wrote
bold: what i wrote
** means a curse word. please read and review!
Roanoke is an OFC people! if you don't know of her, please read Zombieland: Cherish What's Left Over written by me. enjoy!
Zombieland: Total Insanity
Part Uno: Drunken Mall Party!
"Check out this awesome mall! It's huge!" Everyone's faces lit up as they stepped into the larged mall. "Wait a minute guys, there could be zombies and... ahh, no one listens to me anyway." said Columbus when he noticed the others go off on their own in a heartbeat.
"Liquor baby!" yelled Tallahassee as he spotted a store chock full of alcohos. "This is dangerous territory, Tallahassee, you get one bottle, you hear me?!" Roanoke yelled to him while he went rampant through the small store. Roanoke rolled her eyes and sighed. She was about to go find a Hot Topic until Wichita raced past her into the alcohol store, dragging Columbus behind her. "What are you--"
"Can't beat 'em, join 'em!" shouted Wichita, headed for the scotch. Roanoke thought for a minute then shrugged, strolling into the shop. Tallahassee was downing shot after shot like a mad man, but not mad enough. "Sissy, let me show you how a pro does it." she Roanoke boasted, grabbing a shot glass and pouring some of Earth's finest booze into it. "You're on." grinned Tallahassee, filling his glass again. The two downed shot after shot, then soon it went from shot to whole bottles of alchohol.
Meanwhile, in the corner of the store, Wichita was on her third bottle and Columbus was choking down his.... first. "C'mon, Columbus, drink like a man!" said Wichita, slapping her boyfriend on the back. "Yeah, none of that 'one and done' crap!" yelled Tallahassee, beginning to get a bit loopy, while Roanoke was grinning like mad at the thought of Florida drunk.
While everyone was getting drunk off their heads, Little Rock stood outside the liquor store and thought for a while. She shrugged and ran off to find something to do. She landed in front of an arts and crafts store and she had a cheeky grin on her face. "Jackpot!" She ran in and threw everything on the floor then found lots, and I mean lots of paint in the back room. She ran in and grabbed as many paint cans as she could. She brought them out and ran to a matress store and started to pour red paint all down the aisle and she jumped on a springy bed and got green paint and threw it in the air. It landed on all the beds near her and even on her. Little Rock stopped and smiled with green paint all down her face and clothes. "IT'S THE LUCK OF THE IRISH!" she started laughing uncontrollably and threw all the paint on the beds and all the walls and made a collage.
Meanwhile, with the other four, Wichita was downing whiskey and demanding Columbus to act like a man. "Come on Columbo! Grow a set and drink!" Columbus whimpered and tried downing another small glass of scotch. But with Tallahassee and Roanoke, they were completely out of it and still having a shot contest. They were talking gibberish and random things that had nothing to do with anything. "Tallahassee, I'm on rabbits! And you're only on pens!" yelled Tallahassee. "What are you talking about, girl?! Turn the volume up!" Roanoke started laughing like a five-year old and started singing 'Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. She fell to the floor and was still laughing while Tallahassee stared at her like she was a Twinkie. "Come to papa, you delicious bastard!" he jumped on Roanoke and started to lick her forehead. "Talla!!! What the hell are you doing?!" Tallahassee started growling then he started... making out with Roanoke! Roanoke furrowed her eyebrows then went along with it. Truly, she was loving every minute of it. When this was happening, Wichita skipped over to the two and her jaw dropped. She pointed at them and started giggling. "Annnndddd they call it... Twinkie loooooovvvveee!" she sat down and kept drinking her whiskey. "Columbus... help me?" Columbus stumbled over to his girlfriend and helped her up, they both kissed and went back to their drinking.
When Tallahassee was done, he realized that it wasn't a twinkie, but Ronaoke. "**, Roanoke! You are good!" Roanoke blushed. "I know. I tend to not do anything and let the boys come to me." she flased a smile and got up to sit on the counter. "Man I'm tired. Night, night." she fell asleep on the counter.
While Roanoke was still going ape** in the bed store, she got tired and fell asleep in a puddle of blue.
Tallahassee glared at Roanoke with a drunk expression on his face. "Oh no you don't! We've go this whole-hic-mall to ourselves!" Roanoke shot upwards. "That's right! I forgot about Avril Lavigne! I'm coming Avril!" she yelled, running out of the store to God-knows-where. Tallahassee stared after her and ran after her for some drunken reason. "Awwww, he's going after the -hic- girl! Way to go, Florida!" Wichita shouted after them. Columbus leaned on his girlfriend for support when he spotted a sporting goods place. "We're going to play baseball!" he shouted, running towards the store, leaving Wichita behind to take another swig of her drink.
Roanoke ran around the mall complex until she found what she was looking for. She ran into the sweets store and began to dance like a child. "Talla! I found the stash! Now the government can keep the Cheetos at bay so they won't take over Alaska with giraffe democracy!" she shouted, waving her arms and skipping up and down the aisle of Wonka products. "WHERE ARE THE EFFING TWINKIES!?" roared Tallahassee, knocking down a display stand. Roanoke looked around and spotted a single twinkie sitting in it's wrapper on the counter. "I found one, Talla!" she said, grabbing it. Tallahassee sped towards her, which startled her and made her fling the twinkie out of her hand and out of the store, where it landed in a fountain. "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!" screamed Tallahassee, running after the now soaked twinkie. "You killed my Hostess treat!" he yelled at Roanoke who was staring at the drowning dessert. Tallahassee tackled her to the ground. She managed to get up and kick him in the gut. She loomed over top of him. "I am a brown -hic- belt mister! You're underestimating my abilities!" she yelled before collapsing on top of him and falling asleep with his arm wrapped around her.
The peace was soon disturbed though, Columbus and Wichita ran through the mall towards them carrying tons of baseball equipment. "Hey guys! We're going to play baseball!" Wichita yelled.
Roanoke shot up and stumbled out of the sweets store and followed Columbus and Wichita. "I call batting!" Roanoke yelled after them. Wichita turned to face a stumbling Ronaoke running from side-to-side. She gave a bubbly laugh and had a thought on her mind. "Where's my sister?!" Tallahassee was running the best he could without falling over. "She's-hic. In Wonderland! Haha!" Columbus stopped and raised his eyebrows. "Guys! The mad hatter is around the corner!" he skipped off into the towards the center part of the mall. "Follow the yellow brick road!" Wichita laughed and followed after Columbus. Roanoke called behind her. "I call Tallahassee on my team!"
"Who called me?!" Tallahassee yelled. Roanoke rolled her eyes and ran after Columbus and Wichita.
When they all landed in the middle of the mall, Wichita screamed. "Little Rock! Come out before the cat in the hat gets you!" Roanoke started laughing. At that moment in time, a matress flew through the air and landed in front of them. The four stared at it and tilted their heads to the side as if to say 'where the hell did that come from?' Straight after that, Little Rock sprinted and landed on the matress which sent it surfing straight down the stairs. "WOO-HOO!" Roanoke's jaw dropped. "Oh my God! She's matress surfing! Friggen' awesome!" they heard a crash, followed by a 'Whoa! Son of a--" Columbus walked over to the top of the stairs and saw the matress flipped over on top of a toppled over hot-dog stand. "Wow! Little Rock got guts!" he gave a bubbly laugh and at that, Little Rock came out from under the matress, her head covered in ketchup and mustard... and paint. She limped up the stairs. "Okay! I have to do that again!" Columbus stopped her. "No! We're playing baseball!" Little Rock nodded. "Alright, I call referee!" she ran to back to the center of the mall and flopped down onto the floor beside her sister. "Haha! Little Rock, why are you covered in paint?!" Tallahassee wiped some ketchup and mustard on his fingers and licked it off. "And mustard and ketchup?" Little Rock smirked and rolled her eyes. "I landed in a hot-dog stand, duh! Oh, and I had a paint fight with myself 'cause I had nothing better to do. The other four howled with laughter. Wichita interjected. "So guys... GAME ON!" Columbus and Roanoke grabbed a bat each and Wichita grabbed a baseball. Tallahassee stood in the background, getting ready to catch a flying ball as best a drunk could. Little Rock grabbed a whistle and blew into it. "PLAY BALL!" Roanoke stood with the bat and hit it against the ground two times. "Hey batter batter batter... SWING!" She swund the bat when Wichita threw the ball towards her. It sailed through the air and Tallahassee just missed it.
He walked right behind Columbus when his turn came because he knew he wouldn't hit the bal, and he was right. When Wichita threw the ball, Columbus swung the bat all the way around and it smacked Tallahassee right in the face. Columbus felt the vibration and his eyes widened. "**. That's not good." Tallahassee was lying on the ground motionless. "OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED TALLAHASSEE!" Roanoke screamed, about to strangle Columbus. Tallahassee got up slowly and cracked his neck. "It's go time, **!" Columbus screamed and Tallahassee raced after him down the mall halls. "Get back here, Spit-**!" He ran as fast as he could but couldn't catch Columbus, he did, after all, have the best cardio in the business. Columbus kept running and he was yelling. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please, Tallahassee, don't kill me!" Tallahassee stopped running because he was out of breath. "Okay-stop-running."
Meanwhile, with the three girls, Roanoke stood up and announced. "Well, Little Rock, since Tallahassee's busy, I'm going to teach you the wonders of Avril Lavigne. C'mon. You too, Wichita." Little Rock followed Roanoke down to the control room of the mall. "Okay. Perfect. Cameras. Check. Mic. Check and... Computer... CHECK!" Roanoke ran over to the computer and plugged in her iPod that she had with her. "Alright Little Rock, prepare to be blown away. By the power of rock!" She put on 'Sk8r Boy'. She started singing along to the music blaring at it's loudest on the mall speakers. Little Rock started nodding her head to the beat and started dancing. "How awesome is she?!" Roanoke yelled. "She's a friggen' legend!" yelled Wichita. "I know right!?" She is my hero! That's where I got the influence from!" Roanoke did air guitar. Wichita and Little Rock joined in and Tallahassee and Columbus walked into the control room, they looked at each other and shrugged. They joined in too. The four were still out of it, but not as bad as before.
After the song went off, Roanoke almost had a heart attack because her favorite Avril song came on. "Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend, no way, no way! I think you need a new one!" she shouted along with the song. The whole time she was singing though, it seemed as if she was singing the song to Tallahassee, though he was too drunk to notice, but Wichita noticed and she gave a small, soft smile.
Once the five became sweaty from dancing and playing too much baseball, they left the soundtrack playing on the speakers and left the control room. They stumbled around the mall for a while until they passed a Victoria's Secret's. Tallahassee stopped walking and Roanoke stopped soon after to see what he was up to. "Tallahassee!? What are you doing?!" she asked, walking towards him. He pointed to an advertisement poster for a skimpy biknini. "You'd look good in that." he said. Roanoke made a disgusted face and grabbed him by the arm. "No more alcohol for you, no more, no exceptions!" she shouted. "Guys!" she shouted to the others ahead of them. They turned around. "We're banning Florida from alcohol, we're doing an intervention!" she yelled. Wichita nodded and smiled. Like that was ever going to happen.
Suddenly, they heard a crash and tons of zombies poured into the mall. Roanoke screamed. "They're here to sell us insurance! Noooo!" she screamed, waving her fists in the air. "Go! Go! Run!" shouted Wichita. The five ran through the mall as fast as possible away from the horde chasing after them. "Hey, check it out!" yelled Little Rock, pointing at one of those cars you see for sale in the mall. "Let's go!" yelled Columbus, running up to the car door. The keys were in it. Thank God. The five got in the car and Wichita slammed on the gas. They sped through the mall until Roanoke realized. "We're upstairs." she said, and just then, Tallahassee shouted. "Escalator!" Wichita turned around in her seat. "What?!" she screamed. "Escalator! everyone in the car shouted. The car sped of the edge and soared through the air, all the while, everyone was screaming their heads off. The car landed surprisingly smoothly and Wichita slammed her foot on the brakes. Everyone was frozen with terrified looks on their faces. Roanoke managed to pry one hand off of Tallahassee's shirt and the other off the door handle... along with the handle. Tallahassee had released one hand from Roanoke's jeans but ripping a big hole in them in the process. Everyone had to work at uncurling their fingers, thank gosh the escalator was keeping the zombies busy.
Wichita drove out of the mall and pulled up to their van. "We're never going to a mall again." said Columbus said evenly. "Agreed." everyone said in unison. They all had a pretty good day though, Tallahassee had ended up sleeping his drunkness off with his head in Roanoke's lap, which made her secretly happy. Little Rock had fun despite her hair being madded together due to paint. Columbus had gotten drunk for the first time, hit Tallahassee in the face with a bat and didn't die, and had kissed Wichita on several occasions so he was happy. Wichita enjoyed herself in general, she had driven a car off the side of an upstairs mall wall and lived. And Tallahassee was happy that he had found a liquor haven, ran rampant throughout the mall and was secretly content that he made out with Roanoke, although, he wouldn't tell anyone that, she was, after all, still a brocoli-headed nerd. When everyone but Roanoke and Wichita were asleep, Wichita smirked. "You liked what happened in the liquor store didn't you?" she inquired. "Erm... what did I do? I don't remember anything before playing baseball. "You made out with your crush, he said you tasted like twinkies." Wichita put simply. "I WHAT?!" she screamed, making the others yell and grumble at her and fall back to sleep. Roanoke lay her elbow on the door and propped her head up with her hand. She stared dreamily out the window. "Well, did you like it?" urged Wichita. Roanoke smirked. "I wouldn't mind going to malls more often." she said.
Thank you for readin our fic! please review! and yes, iknow it's crack! lol!