Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephanie Meyers and Summit Entertainment. I own nothing. I am just toying with them for a bit.
A/N: I actually posted this a while ago. It was an experiment in writing in the first person. Yeah, that experiment failed, so I went back and changed it to my more comfortable third person and made various other changes that needed to be made. Now, the writers block has left and it is flowing much more smoothly. Thanks to Puck for the great beta and Preet for convincing me the idea wasn't a total suck-fest. Reviews are much appreciated. I hope the changes have improved the story so far. :)
If I could turn back the years…
What the hell had she done?
That was the question Bella asked herself everyday for the last two years. The answer never seemed to change, as much as she wished it would. She'd gone and had herself turned into a vampire. After all this time you would think she'd be used to it, but it still made her want to hyperventilate…if she could. Of course she couldn't, because vampires don't breathe.
There were things they didn't tell you before becoming a vampire, or maybe they did and she just missed the memo. Yeah, she knew it would hurt, but it was also supposed to make her graceful and beautiful too. It seemed like a fair trade-off. Grace had been particularly appealing to her, since on her best days she used to have problems walking without injury. So, at least she had that going for her now. Gotta look on the Brightside, right?
She worried so much about killing someone once she became a vampire. Surprisingly, she had yet to hurt anyone. Being prepared, in this case, was enough to help her fight that whole blood lust thing. So far Jasper lost his little bet with Emmett. There was to be no human blood on her hands. She still hadn't totally forgiven them for that little bet. That was kind of fair, because Jasper would probably never forgive her for having the control he didn't. Humans did smell unbelievably wonderful, kind of like bacon, but she'd worked hard to convince herself that it was just an appealing perfume and nothing more. Sure, bacon wasn't a traditional perfume, but she had to come up with something to make herself believe people weren't food. Bella had almost completely convinced herself now. Sure, she was living in denial, but what else could she do? They were still people to her, even if in this case they technically were food. Hopefully, she would never lose that.
Her real problem was the nights. Edward never slept and Bella knew she would never need sleep once she became a vampire. She couldn't even begin to imagine how much she could accomplish without ever having to sleep. Yeah, that had turned out to be completely wrong. The nights crept by second by second at an interminably slow pace and it seemed as if every night was just a little bit longer than the last. She had a whole eternity of insomnia to look forward to. It wasn't a particularly appealing thought.
After months of dwelling on what she had become she had to find a hobby or go completely out of her mind. How many other vampires became addicted to World of Warcraft to escape the long nights? After beginning to feel more connected to her guild than the Cullens, she'd had to give it up. It was a feeble attempt at holding onto what was left of her humanity. The whole irony of her playing a computer game full of mystical creatures to reconnect with humanity was not lost on her either. To top it all off, not only was she a vampire, but she was a geek vampire. She may as well throw on some glasses with tape holding them together. It didn't get much more pathetic than that.
What made Bella think that her humanity was less important than being with Edward? She gave up everything she was to be with him. She let him infect her. She had actually begged for it. He had fought her all the way, but she just kept arguing with him until she finally broke down. He never had been able to deny her anything. Even knowing it was her own choice she still began to resent him. Life was perhaps the greatest gift you could ever be given and she had traded it for this sad excuse for existence.
"Until your heart stops beating, Bella. I'll be here- fighting."
She thought of Jacob's words more than she liked. Her still heart was a constant reminder of what she could never have. Jacob left Forks before the wedding and she never even got to say good-bye. A part of her would always wonder what she would have done if he had stayed and fought for her. Then again, she had been pretty clear on her intentions. Bella couldn't really expect him to watch her choose Edward over and over again. We all have our breaking point and he had apparently reached his. She couldn't even blame him for it. She hadn't exactly handled things well with him. Now that she was a vampire, that pretty much put them at odds from now until forever. He said it himself, until her heart stops beating...
The moment her heart stopped beating was one of those moments etched on her memory forevermore. Death had a way of leaving its mark on you. She had opened her eyes in the moments after her heart stopped expecting to find a more vivid and beautiful world. She always thought Edward would be even more breathtaking when seen through vampire eyes. When she looked at him with her new eyes she hadn't seen the perfect being that had always been etched on her soul, instead he looked like an ordinary 17 year old boy. Yes, he was an extremely hot 17 year old, but he no longer dazzled her as he once did. It was the same with all of the Cullens, although Carlisle and Esme looked a bit older. The world around her was not a more beautiful place. Dreariness and darkness were intensified everywhere she turned. She missed her sun.
The scariest thing of all was what she saw in the mirror. She couldn't help feeling that the stranger in the mirror could not possibly be her. In becoming a vampire she lost herself. All of the quirks that made her uniquely her were gone. She was just your average run of the mill vampire now, although apparently a bit on the geeky side. She had strange golden eyes and her bone structure had become more pronounced. She didn't look beautiful as she expected, only more like a vampire. Her brown eyes had always seemed boring to in the past. Ironically, she would give anything to have those boring brown eyes back. They said that the eyes were the windows to the soul. She didn't even recognize her own eyes. What did that mean?
Bella tried to hide the growing distance she began to feel from the Cullens, but they saw it. Worse, Edward saw it. She'd never seen him more frustrated by his inability to read her than over the past year. It was silly of Bella to think she could hide it, especially when one of them could see the future. When Alice had a vision of Bella's departure she stopped trying to hide it. The longer she lived with them, the less human she felt and the more she thought of the last time she felt alive. Who knew how much she could miss a future she never had? Once upon a time she had seen a different future with a different boy. She had seen the children she would never have. Who knew it was possible to see all of that with just one kiss? She was a fool to ever think that she didn't want that future.
They tried to stop her when she left. She could tell that she had hurt them and none worse than Edward. She wasn't likely to forget the pain she saw in his eyes, so reminiscent of Jacob's. Was that supposed to be her legacy? Maybe she was better off alone. That she even thought that was a sign. Her life had become one big pity party and she was sick of it.
So now here she was standing on her own two feet, perhaps for the first time ever. It felt better not having to pretend all the time. She lived alone, hunted alone, ate alone. She thought it was better that way after being wrapped up in Edward for so long. She didn't even know who she was without him. That couldn't be healthy.
Sometimes Bella felt someone watching her in the woods, but there was never anyone there by the time she noticed. Edward always had been fast. She would catch his scent on the wind afterwards, always her protector. He should know better than anyone that his protection was no longer necessary and never would be again. She always moved on after he found her, afraid she would lose herself in him again. At times it felt good to be wild and lose herself in the hunt rather than Edward. Then afterwards she would look in the mirror and see the stranger with blood on her mouth. She was homeless and growing increasingly feral. She didn't know who she was anymore, but she knew that wasn't her.
Maybe that was how she found herself inadvertently making her way back towards Forks. That was the last place she felt truly at home. She knew her heart was dead in her chest, but she could almost imagine a stutter at the flash of hope that sprang to life at the sight of her old home. She watched the lights in Charlie's house as he moved around the kitchen. Who knew what meal he was butchering without her there to help him? Her mouth curled into a smile for the first time in what felt like forever.
Maybe Charlie could learn to accept her as she was. Maybe she could make him understand without putting him in too much danger. She looked into the darkness always surrounding her and couldn't escape the next thought.
Maybe she could catch just one small glimpse of her own personal sun again…