Ice Cream, Anybody?
A/N: Okay, people. Get ready for Mary Sue madness. Note: This story was designed for the Kill MarySue! contest. If you haven't joined, sign up now!
Disclaimer: I don't own Max Ride, Scooby Doo, or K-mart.
Maximum Ride, leader of the most powerful group of avian-human hybrids to fly the Earth, savior of the world, heroine of the decade, was about to freaking scream. Oh. My. God. She just couldn't freaking take it anymore!
"Fang," she groaned softly, "please, for the love of my sanity, tell me that's the last of them." Fang, who was sitting at in a chair adjacent to her own, slowly shook his head. His long, black hair covered one side of his face, which was, at the moment, buried in paperwork.
"No, we've still got five more to go," he said. Max bit down on the sleeve of her shirt to muffle her scream of frustration.
They'd been at this all day, and Max wasn't sure how much more she could take.
At the moment she, Fang, and Angel were in the headquarters of Little, Brown and Company, sitting at a singular wooden desk, wishing they'd elected to stay in bed that day. For hours on end they'd been interviewing potential characters for Fang. James Patterson had been undergoing a serious case of writers' block, and was desperate for ideas; so, naturally, he'd thought the best way to conquer the problem would be to have his Flock interview numerous OCs and choose their favorites to star the next installment in the series. 'A quiet, easy procedure,' he'd said.
Wrong.
No, ever since the announcement that J.P. was holding 'open auditions' for parts in the next Max Ride novel had been given out, they'd been swarmed by fangirls and OCs alike, all of them trying to worm their way into the next book. It was Max's worst nightmare. So far they'd interviewed over fifty people. Sure, once in a while they'd find someone actually worth paying attention to, but the majority were just cheep knock-offs; ideas that had been used a million times. As Nudge would put it, 'None of them, are, like awesomilistic or originalistic. Just craptastic.' Max couldn't have agreed more.
"I'm going to freaking hang myself," Max said. Fang chuckled.
"Aw, c'mon Max. We've only got…" Fang trailed off as he checked his watch. "Another half hour of this, and then it's our lunch break." Max groaned in response.
"Will you at least try to perk up?" Max shook her head. "We might find someone interesting. I mean, you never know." Max snorted.
"Yeah, and maybe werewolves will howl under a blue moon." Fang bit his lip.
"What if…what if I take us all out for ice cream when we're done? Huh? My treat." Max sunk a glance at her boyfriend from beneath her lashes.
"Can I get all the toppings I want?" Fang sighed.
"Yes, Max, as many as you want." Max's grim features broke into a broad grin.
"Okay!" She was instantly perky and alert. Fang chuckled again. Come on, her brain urged her. Just another half an hour of this, and then ice cream. Ice cream with lots of toppings…yum…
As Max's mind trailed off, thinking of deferent flavors of ice cream and toppings, the door to the office opened with a jingle. Fang tensed and Max braced herself. Another living nightmare had arrived.
In strolled a tall, thin girl with wavy red hair and a seductive smile. She was wearing a short skirt and a tight top; her bright, cat-like eyes drank in the room around her; her soft rose-red lips were curved perfectly; her thick, dark eyebrows were arched inquisitively at Max, who could only think, Oh, god, not another Red-haired Wonder.
"Why, hello there," the Red-head said in a husky voice. She flicked her hair over her shoulder and Max tried not to scream. "My name is Colleen. Who do I speak to about auditions for the next Max Ride novel?" Fang stuttered.
"Um, me," he said, never taking his eyes off of 'Colleen'. The girl sashayed over to Fang and sat on the desk, her skirt rising dangerously. Max ground her teeth.
"So, what do I have to do? Read lines? Because I'm an excellent actress, you know. I'm also an excellent singer. I'm a soprano." Max coughed. With that fake, low voice? she thought.
"Ah, no, but you do have to answer some questions," Fang said. He searched through his notes for the audition questions while the Red-haired Wonder slid closer to him. She draped one thin arm around his shoulders, sniffing his hair. Fang froze.
"Is that…lilac scented shampoo I smell? With undertones of raspberry and tangerine?" Max snapped.
"How can you tell all of that just from taking a few whiffs of his hair?" she hissed. Colleen grinned.
"Did I mention I've suddenly developed a keen olfactory sense? My creator just put it in."
Max slumped in her chair, muttering, "Sure she did," when another loud jingle sounded. Soon footsteps could be heard throughout the office. Max straightened.
"Hello? Is anyone, like, there?" Oh, no, Max thought, sitting up straighter. She stole a glance at Fang, but he seemed too preoccupied with Colleen to notice her internal panic. At the moment the Red-haired Wonder was batting her dark eyelashes at Fang, her whole body splayed across the desk, papers crumpled beneath her form, pens and pencils lying scattered on the floor. Max tried not to growl.
"Um, hi!" Max tore her eyes away from Fang to stare at a girl no older than twelve, her dark hair bouncing in waves at her shoulders. Max's mouth dropped open.
"Nudge! What're you doing here?" Other-Nudge laughed.
"I'm not Nudge," the girl said. "I'm Nudge's long lost sister, Monique!"
"Uh, huh," Max said, stealing a glance at her watch. It was a Scooby-Doo brand; it glowed, the Mystery Machine pronounced in the background, telling her that she still had twenty more minutes of hell to endure. "C'mon Mystery Machine, hurry up," she mumbled under her breath, too low for Monique to hear.
"No, like, really!" the girl continued. "We were, like, separated at birth and stuff! And I've got awesome wings, too! And I can, like, move objects with my mind! And I—"
"Hold on," Max interrupted, ignoring the sounds of Colleen's purring, and focusing her anger on the little Nudge look-alike. "If you and Nudge are really twins, then how can your name be Monique? That was Nudge's birth name." The girl in front of her blinked.
"Our parents were, like, seriously not creative." Max's fingers twitched.
Max was just about to tell the girl that she was about to meet creativity in the form of a fist, when the door jingled again. In stepped a small girl with unbelievably bright, flowing blond hair. She had rosy cheeks and big blue eyes, her red lips curved up in a sweet smile. Her white wings fanned out behind her like the ends of a dress. The girl skipped over to Max, never losing her creepily perfect smile.
"Hello!" the girl said in an angelic voice. "I'm Glenda!" Max shook her head.
"The good witch?" she stammered, not able to take her eyes of the perfection that was the small girl.
"Well, no. In this case my creator decided to use me as Angel's fairy godmother/best friend." The girl gave her white wings a flap and she rose. Soon the room was filled with sunlight and the sound of ringing bells could be heard. A small halo seemed to appear above the girl's head.
"Now, I must go to see Angel! We have so much to do. First, we must go to Candy Mountain and eat gumdrops and jelly beans! Then we must travel to Atlantis and visit my dolphin friends! Then we have to—"
"Ohmigod!" Monique grabbed the lava lamp that had been resting on Max's undisturbed side of the desk. "This is, like, so totally cool! It's, like, completely psychedelic, and stuff! Can I have it? Oh, please, please, please, please, can I have it? Please, please…"
"—visit the fairies that live on Jupiter! Or did they move to Neptune? Does anyone—"
"—So, Fang, I hear that you work out? Well, my father owns a gym. A very nice gym. Now, all you need to do to get full access to it and the movie theater is let me in the novel. Oh, and maybe dump that ratty bird girl while you're at it—"
Max struggled to get lava lamp away from Monique while dogging Glenda as the door to the office jingled again. Max was just about to call out, "Who is it?" when a dark blur made its way across the room. It pounced on Monique, tackling her to the floor. Monique cried out as the dark blur pressed a blade to her throat.
"So, you thought you could sneak up and kill Max, did you? With that villainess lava lamp of doom, you thought you could take out the leader of the Flock on my watch?! Well, you were wrong! Dead wrong!" Monique whimpered as the girl dressed in black pressed the blade closer to her throat. She had emerald green eyes and midnight black hair that was pulled behind her head in a bun.
"Hey!" Max yelled. The girl dressed in black looked up at her. "Who the hell are you?" The girl in black immediately stood at attention, her hand pressed to her head in a salute. Unfortunately, it was the hand containing the knife, so a small cut formed on her forehead, blood running down her nose. The girl took no notice of it.
"I am experiment 78409377JK5! I was designed specifically to protect and serve the Flock in any condition and under any circumstances. You wish is my command, oh great and powerful leader." The girl bowed, still saluting.
"Well, um, experiment 784…something-JK5, your, ah, duties are to…" Max glanced around the office, trying to think of something for the strange girl to do. Max spotted Colleen draped over Fang's form, her arms around her neck, whispering in his ear, and an evil smile crossed her face.
"Your new duties are to eliminate that red-head." Experiment what's-her-name turned to stare at Colleen. Her eyes widened.
"Of course. I must go extinguish that threat!" With that the girl re-sheathed her knife, still not noticing the blood on her forehead.
Max watched with a mixture of awe and horror as the girl launched herself at Colleen, ripping her off of Fang and flinging her across the room. Colleen landed in a heap about five feet away. Experiment something-or-other rushed at the red-head, her knife in hand. Colleen shrieked just as the door jingled again.
"So, Max, like I was saying, can I keep the lava lamp? Please, please, please?" Max tried to shove Monique away, but the annoying twelve-year-old had latched herself onto Max's thigh. Glenda was still yapping about gumdrops and candy corns when a full-grown and fully-morphed male Eraser barged into the office. He was large and bulky, with a thick mass of curly brown hair sprouting from his head, and murderous blue eyes.
Max only had time to think, Aren't those idiots all dead? before he launched into a tirade.
"Fellow mutants, beware! I am experiment 7600933333Y2K, but will henceforth be known as Bob. I am your death! I will kill all of you! With my strength and cunning I will send you all into an abyss of certain destruction! You will never see the light of day! You will fall onto the path of eminent peril! You will—"
"Oh, would you shut up?" Max yelled. She was still struggling with Monique, and the sounds of what's-her-name and Colleen's battle could be heard from across the room.
"But," the Eraser complained, "this is my death speech. I'm supposed to give a speech describing how will fall under my power and face eminent doom." Monique glanced up at him through her whining.
"I thought it was eminent peril," she said. Bob nodded.
"Yes, yes, eminent peril. Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I was describing your doom. Now, first I will capture you. Then I will take you to the School and torture you endlessly. You will beg for mercy, and I will deny it. Then, when you are nothing more then shadow of your former selves, I will torture you again. Then I will kill you. And then I will dine on your corpses!" Bob exclaimed, practically frothing at the mouth. Glenda tisk-ed, hovering a few feet above the floor.
"That isn't very nice," she said, glaring. Bob shrugged.
"Eh, it's what my creator told me to say. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have bird kids to kill."
Suddenly Fang appeared beside Max, panting and out of breath.
"Hey, Max, what's going on?" Max frowned.
"Where were you?" she hissed. "We've got a killer Eraser stalking us!"
"Well, I was trying to pry psycho-girl off of Colleen. Seriously, Max, that girl is whacko! And incredibly strong. I couldn't get her to budge. Hey, who sicked her on Colleen, anyway?" Max waved her hand in dismissal.
"Never mind those two! We've got a killer Eraser on our hands," she said, subtly changing the topic of discussion. "Now, how are we going to do this? You want to take him head-on, or should I?" Fang grinned.
"I'll take him," he said, launching himself at the Eraser. Max flushed with pride and watched as Fang swing a hard round-house kick at Bob. The Eraser retaliated by slapping Fang. Fang spun around in a circle before regaining his balance and punching Bob in the jaw. Fang cried out in pain, clutching his fist, and Bob wasted no time in scooping him up in his over-sized arms and flinging him across the room. All of Max's pride vanished.
"Wonderful World of Wonder and Might!" Glenda exclaimed. "What on Earth did you do that for, Bob? You know, there really is no need for such violence." Bob growled.
"Shaddup Tinkerbelle, or you'll be the next target on my hit list." Glenda ignored him.
"Really. We can successfully solve all of our problems with candy, happiness, and fairy magic! Why, if we sit down and discuss what's on our mind—" And that was Bob's breaking point. The Eraser grabbed the talkative, glowing girl from where she was hovering. He shook her like a rag doll and yelled in her ear,
"Would you just shut up?! My one purpose in life is to destroy the Flock, and you're not making it any easier. Now, if you don't stop talking I'm going to kill you. So help me god I'm going to—"
"Oh. My. God! You did not just do what I think you did!" came the sound of Colleen's voice. "You did not just break my nail!" Something crashed in the corner of the office.
"Die Red-headed fiend! Die, I say!"
"—if you don't stop talking," Bob finished. Glenda shook her head.
"Don't you see, dearie? It's my job to spread joy and peace throughout the world. Here, let me enlighten you!"
White light seemed to burst from Glenda's wings. Bob howled in pain, trying to cover his eyes and strangle Glenda at the same time. He tripped over his own feet, falling head first over Colleen and experiment what's-her-name, who were still rolling around on the floor. Bob and Glenda fell in a crumpled heap, to which Glenda exclaimed, "Oh dear!"
Max took in the scene around her with disbelieving eyes. The creators of these OCs were getting nuttier by the day.
"So…" Monique said, still standing beside Max. "While they're all busy killing each other, can I, like, have the lava lamp now?"
Before Max could formulate a response to such an idiotic question, the unnamed experiment screamed in victory.
"Yes! I have done it! I have defeated the Red-headed fury! I have won!" And, indeed, the unnamed experiment had succeeded in strangling Colleen to death.
"Now I must defeat the other threat; the one which calls himself Bob!" The unnamed experiment stood and ran for Bob, her knife in her outstretched hand. She might've actually killed Bob, too, had she not tripped over a misplaced banana peel and fallen on top of her knife. It sunk into her throat, killing her instantly.
Glenda tisk-ed again as she climbed out from beneath a moaning Bob.
"Goodness me, didn't that poor girl's mother ever teach her to never run with knifes?"
Bob came to, glaring at Glenda. He scooped her up in his meaty arms and started to strangle her, a crazed gleam in his eye. Glenda twisted and squirmed in his grasp, and, suddenly, something became visible in her hair line. Bob frowned and pulled a head band with devil horns on it out from beneath Glenda's numerous locks of hair. The Eraser raised an eyebrow.
"What?" Glenda said sheepishly. "It was half price at K-mart."
With that being said the Eraser proceeded to strangle Glenda until she turned bright red. Then, with a small Pop! she exploded. Confetti and glitter rained down from the place Glenda had been.
"Um," Monique said, edging toward the door, "this has been, like, fun and all, but I should, like, get home and feed my cat…" Monique ran to the door, whipping out her tawny-colored wings. She flapped hard and rose off the ground, flying to the exit.
Bob grunted and pulled the knife out of the unnamed experiment's throat. With careful aim he threw the knife. It hit Monique between the wings. Monique squealed in anger, turning to face Bob. Her last words on Earth were, "Ouch! That, like, hurt!" before she died, her body falling and crumpling in a heap by the door.
Bob brushed his hands together, signaling a job well done. He turned to face a very confused and dazed Max and a very worn out Fang.
"Now, bird children, which of you would like to die first?" Max hissed, dropping into her fighting stance. Bob laughed.
"Silly bird girl, it is useless to resist! The fates have already predicted my victory. They have marked your defeat with this grand tattoo." Bob lifted up a few strands of hair on his neck, revealing the tattoo. "See? This predicts the date I shall destroy the Flock!"
But Fang frowned and squinted at the marking. "Um, dude," he said, "that isn't a tattoo. It's an expiration date." Bob's eyes grew wide.
"What?! Oh sh—"
And that was the end of Bob.
Max surveyed the damage around her.
Three feet from her was a dead Eraser; to her left were the glittery remains of Glenda; to her right were the corpses of Colleen and the unnamed experiment; at the door the body of Monique.
Max was contemplating how to remove all of the bodies by her lunch break, which was in three minutes, when both she and Fang heard the flush of a toilet. Both bird kids froze as a door by the remains of Fang and Max's desk opened. Out stepped Angel. She took one look at the office and narrowed her bright blue eyes at her Flock leader.
"I go to the bathroom for five freaking minutes…" she mumbled, hopping over Colleen.
Desperate to salvage what was left of her pride Max turned to Fang and said, "So, anybody up for ice cream?"
FIN
A/N: Okay, that was even crazier than I thought it would be. Thanks a lot for reading, guys! By the way, this story was inspired by the fabulous works of Saint Fang of Boredom, specifically the ones pertaining her nutty OCs in therapy. Fly on people!