It all started with one picture. A smile captured in the right moment that made my heart beat unusually faster than normal. It was accidental but pleasant. At that time I didn't knew that I was hooked by those tantalizing eyes of his. He probably don't know but he got a pair of very hypnotizing dark orbs.
I thought it's nothing.
Then for the first time I saw him in flesh looking exactly like that boyish guy I accidentally saw in the picture. I was flushed. Truly he got that captivating aura around him because I wasn't able to say anything but gaped as he walked in front of me smiling shyly.
It was the start.
For two years I was oblivious about the reason behind why everytime I hear his voice or see him smile there was that funny fluttery feeling in my tummy. Maybe that's the butterfly in your stomach every hopeless romantic was talking about all the time. I did feel the spark whenever I accidentally touched him. Those were things that I always ignore telling myself he's just so damn good looking that's why.
On the third year since the first time I saw his face I finally relented. Those sparks and butterflies won't be ignored anymore.
I am in love with him.
How we ended up being so close to each other was a mystery to me. All I remembered is I was so enchanted, nothing else mattered. That certain night when he showed up on the top step of the stairs telling me he got something to show me and we ended up talking 'til dawn like that was something we normally do when we barely talk to each other.
It was followed by countless nights spent talking to each other, sometimes just sitting side by side enjoying the silence or the music playing through that pink earphones I loved to share with him. Somehow that didn't stop there. I just found myself always checking my phone for all those silly messages he'd send or the simple greetings I'd get every morning as I open my eyes to greet another day or at night before the stars wink me goodnight.
People around us started to notice the sudden shift in the air between us. Our friends begun with all the teasing and he just always smile as I try to tell them that it's nothing. The rumors about us stirred and in a matter of time everyone believed that there's something deeper than friendship that we shared. I wasn't aware I was one of those who believed it.
I thought what we shared was something special.
So me being me started to imagine all those colourful fantasy where the center of everything was him and I. I always dreamed about what his lips would feel touching mine and his arms warming me up as we watch the constant rain fell on the ground.
It was amazing. The feelings he made me feel were something I never felt before and I was scared but I just can't stop myself from sinking deeper and deeper. He already had my heart in the palm of his hand without even knowing it.
I was afraid so I started to ask. I questioned myself first if it's really love that I felt that time. The answer was a quick yes. Then I subtly ask him about us one time we were together. "Don't you feel awkward about what they say about us?" I asked him silently praying that the question won't push him away from me. He gave me a smile and a careless shrugged. "I'm fine with it," was his answer as he made himself comfortable beside me just like what we became used to.
I don't know what he meant by he's fine with it and so I tried to guard my heart but failed. He's being more caring, thoughtful and sweet each day that passed. Waiting for me so we could home together. Carrying my bag and doing what not that never failed to made my heart skip a beat or two.
I was ecstatic that I forgot that being sweet without a relationship is just a sign of friendship.
My illusion of us shuttered one drinking session and we were doing crazy body shots. When it was his turn to do it with me he chooses not to and just answered a silly question from one of our friends.
"What is she to you," that was the question and by she they meant me because they were all looking at me with those teasing eyes. I smiled expecting something like 'she's special to me' or 'she's someone important.' Those words never came.
What I heard boomed in my ears like bomb but I was sure he said it ever so softly while looking away from me. For the first time there's a distant look in his eyes and I suddenly felt tension building between us.
"She's a dear friend. Almost like a sister to me," he murmured trying to look cool over the ohs and awws of our friends.
There was silence after a moment those words went though his lips. After a minute or two everyone was talking all at the same time. Some laughing nervously or awkwardly as if trying to ward off the sudden unease.
I didn't knew how I managed to smile and playfully raised my glass of liquor that time saying "Yeah, we're that close. We're like siblings!" deep inside my heart was breaking and I really wanted to cry. As I drank that burning liquid down my throat I could practically hear the sound of my heart shuttering into tiny little pieces inside my chest.
It was so painful.
I expected.
I assumed.
And it fucking hurt to hear him say it loud and clear what I really am to him.
I was asking myself what happened to those nights we shared talking about our lives.
What about the times spent together laughing with a joke only the two of us understand?
Where did all his sweetness go?
Was it me who expected too much or him who mislead me that caused the pain in my heart?
Was it just a misunderstanding that broke my heart or he did intend to break me because he knew he could?