A/N: All I can write lately is a bunch of depressing crap! It's really not even all that good. Inspirations are My Immortal and Hello, both by Evanescence. But review nonetheless. Review. Please.
It was unbearable. I was in love. But did he acknowledge it? No, of course not. I was merely a friend in his eyes. If even a friend, that is. Ah, but Jane did. Jane acknowledged it plenty. And she did not like it. Not one bit. How could I even bare to do this to her? I was always at his side, taking her place. They have been through everything together, but it was as if I forgot all this when my eyes locked with his. It was meaningless information such as remembering how to tie your shoes although you had worn slip-ons.
As my mind raced, my heart began to beat faster and faster. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart in my ears. The world was spinning. I felt dizzy, unstable. Nauseated. Scared. Hurt. Broken. Happy. Loved. So many emotions flooded me. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to cry or smile. So I just cried.
I continued my crying although it was clear he was approaching me. I knew the sound of his shoes clicking across the cold stone streets. I couldn't collect myself. It was an impossible task. I'd never loved anyone this much. No one.
As my chest continued to heave up and down with these seemingly endless sobs, I opened my eyes, seeing his shoes. Dare I look up and face him? Tell him what I felt? No. I could do no such thing. Before I could collect my thoughts, or even try and collect myself for that matter, he was knelt down beside me, wrapping an icy arm around my shoulder. I heard him speak, his voice barely audible. "Is everything alright, my dear?"
Good God. Hearing his voice only broke me down into more hysterics. I tried to tell him, "I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. You can carry on." But it did not come out as intended. It had came out as more hysterics. I couldn't breathe.
He sat in silence for a long time, I assume to let me get out the rest of my sobs. I was never truly finished with my hysteria, but I quieted down slightly so he could speak, as well could I. As soon as I could speak again, I apologized. "Alec, I am so terribly sorry. I thought I was alone. I never would have- Well you know…. Cried in front of you. Or anyone for that matter." That was a lie. I was not just crying. I was bawling. I was in hysterics for God's sake.
"No need to apologize, dearest Destiny. If I was bothered by your hysterics, I would not have come over here. I dare the to try and pass off those sobs of pain and sadness as a mere cry." He sounded like an old English poet. So deep, so intelligent. "Please. Do tell me what the reason behind this bawling was. Although it is none of my business, I could help perhaps….."
At that exact moment my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. He wanted to help. And of course, I wouldn't let him. I couldn't show a sign of weakness. He was in fact the only person who could help….. The worst he could do is never speak to me again. But that would break me. I was broken already, I didn't know if a person could be more broken than I was already. I couldn't possibly stand anymore hurt in my life. So I responded with a simple, obnoxious, "Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken." I wanted to just spill everything out. Let him know how I had tried to kill myself because of this pain he had caused me. Let him know that I really was broken. This was a façade I put on in front of him. I thought about all this and then slowly began explaining. "Actually, never mind my previous comment. I am broken. Very broken. My heart has been shattered into millions of tiny pieces that no one is kind enough to pick up. It's just what love does."
He quirked a brow and looked at me with a surprised, yes still questioning expression. "Love? What is this you speak of love?" Before I could explain, try to cover it up, he understood; A look of shock first passed over his face. Then amazement. Then happiness. Then sadness. He knew that he himself had broken me. I actually wanted him to know. He could understand why I avoid him, why he always catches me looking at him while no one else is around, why I had looked so dead yesterday; The day I tried to hang myself. He remained completely silent. We sat there, staring at each other for a long while. I looked deep into his eyes…. I saw a hint of a crimson color. No, it couldn't be. My hallucinations. This silence lasted for what seemed like an eternity. I sighed and stood up, his hand sliding off my shoulder. I felt the new round of tears beginning to stream down my face. He stood up as well, pulling me into a hug. His hands slid down my back, as if he was not comfortable with his action. Like he was somewhat restraining himself.
It was hard to comprehend the fact that he knew I loved him. It's not as if that changed anything, as to the way he felt about me, but it was insane. This secret, kept for so long, now unleashed. I let out a small whisper, knowing if I spoke too loud my voice would break. "Alec…. I'm sorry."
He pulled me back and stared at me. "I-… I did not know. I feel terrible."
I looked down, unable to speak to his face. "What do you feel bad for? I fell in love. It was a ridiculous thing. A mistake, I do suppose." I considered telling him of the self mutilation I had put myself through, but I assumed it be best to leave it out. My voice became shakier. "It's not your fault you're…. perfect." I whispered the last word, closing my eyes.
He wore the same blank expression as he normally did. "I…. have to go. I wish to speak with you tomorrow." And with a nod, he turned and went back to the castle.
Alec and his family were the royal family of Volterra. They owned the largest castle I had ever seen. There were many people in the family. Aro, Sulpicia, Caius, Athenodora, Marcus, Jane, Demetri, Heidi, Felix, Chelsea, Afton, Renata, Santiago, Gianna, and then of course Alec himself. They were all extremely good looking; Even the girls had insane beauty. It wasn't natural. They had this grace about them; All of their actions were graceful, swift, quick. I envied it. I was not aware as to whether or not any of the family were "together". Alec was constantly around the girls, and it made me wonder. God knows I wasn't as pretty as them, just another point as to why he could never love me.
"Goodbye," I whispered, watching him walk away. I walked back to my apartment, which was directly across the street from the castle. When I arrived home, I sat on my bed, going back into hysterics. At this point I was just thankful my parents were out of town. I shut my eyes tight, remembering the previous day when I had tried to hang myself. When I opened my eyes again, I looked at the ceiling, remembering the exact placing of the rope. Then I looked down at my arms. I rolled up my long sleeves and looked at the small scars.
"Don't do it," I told myself. Is it worth it? I sighed and stared at my shaky hands and the pair of scissors in them. I was on the verge of hyperventilation. I carefully held the scissors, lightly tracing them down my arm. I wasn't pressing down hard enough to draw blood. Or for the purpose; To cause pain. The second time I traced the scissors down, I pressed harder in certain places. I made no noise. The only reason I knew I was crying was from the tears that splashed onto my arm. I watches trickles of blood drip down my arm, cutting a small 'A' into my hand. It wasn't just because of him. It was Alec and Jane. My parents. The crap I'd been given my entire life. But I felt as if I had brought it upon myself. So I went straight to self mutilation.
I remembered it all so vividly. I remembered the pain. I remembered my exact thoughts. I did not regret my actions. The only thing I regretted was falling in love. Of course, I could not help it. All there was left to do now was go to sleep. Wait until tomorrow. What events awaited me then? Alec said he wanted to see me tomorrow. But why? So many questions remained unanswered.
I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes. I didn't want to pull the covers up, or put on my pajamas, or even take my make up off. I just wanted to sleep. The sooner I got the nightmares sure to come over with, the sooner the morning would come. And I would see him. Surely it would only cause me more pain, but it was better than not seeing him at all.
A/N: Depressing, wasn't it? Yeah. I can be deep. Please review. I have another chapter. But I won't publish it until I get at least two reviews. Come on people. Flames appreciated as well.