Title: Seeing Right Through

Author: OpheliacAngel

Pairings: Lucifer/Gabriel, Lucifer/Michael

Genres: Romance/Angst/Tragedy

Rating: Teen

Summary: Gabriel never was good enough.

A/N: Written for M/M Rares for ladyoneill.

The first real moment Gabriel ever had with Lucifer was when Michael forced him to teach him how to fly.

Michael was sick and tired of taking care of him all the time, Gabriel was old enough to know that much, and he was actually busy that day so that was his chance. Gabriel was young by angel standards, still too young to be left alone and definitely too young to be able to depend on himself. Lucifer hated Michael for ruining his day and took it out on Gabriel, who was still young enough to think that his brother hated him, hated having him as a brother and hated him for being who he was: annoying and difficult to handle and needy.

He wished he could be more like his big brothers, wished he could be big and strong and responsible. Maybe if he could take care of himself then his brothers wouldn't hate him anymore.

"I don't know why I have to be the one to teach you how to fly. I don't have the time for this."

Gabriel retracted his wings so that they were no longer in sight, at least he knew how to do that. He didn't want Luce to see them, didn't want him to be reminded even more of the apparently last thing in the universe he wanted to do. Unfortunately, Gabriel couldn't hide away forever.

"Come on, get your wings out."

His hand gripped Gabriel's wrist a little too tightly, tightening until he pulled out and opened his wings, though he would not spread them wide. Lucifer looked at them, looked at him with disgust. Gabriel fought to hold back his tears, there was no way he would cry in front of Lucy. He pushed Gabriel outside then, instructing him to wait outside until he was ready.

Gabriel didn't wait, not wanting to find out what Lucifer would do next. He walked away from his home and towards the cliff he knew about, the one he promised Father and Michael he would never venture to. If Lucifer didn't want to teach him how to fly, then he would do it himself.

He walked for a long time, but his brother's voice trailed after him after a while.

"Gabriel! Come out right now, you hear me! This is not the time to play hide and seek!"

But Gabriel was sad and angry and sulking, already at the edge of the cliff and looking down, determined to teach himself how to fly. His arms were crossed and he uncrossed them to stretch his sad, little wings. They were nothing like Mike's or Lucy's, they were dull and tiny and ugly. He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and sniffled; that was all that he was: a baby.

Lucy didn't have to deal with him if he didn't want to. He would never have to deal with him again.

"Gabriel!"

The voice was coming closer and Gabriel knew that if he was going to do it, going to fly, then he had to hurry up and just jump already. So he took a deep breath and that's exactly what he did. It was more falling than jumping and Gabriel didn't want to admit how scared he was. The bottom was very far off, and not being able to see it made him panic and try to get his wings to work. No matter the effort he put into pulling his wings out from where they were tucked securely against his back though, he couldn't get them to open and prevent him from falling any further.

He cried out as he continued to fall, putting his hands over his eyes, not wanting to die but also happy that he wouldn't have to burden his brothers any longer. They would be happier without him.

And then a strong pair of arms wrapped around him and suspended him in midair. He could hear powerful wings beating the air and he opened his eyes, catching sight of the familiar white, fluffy wings before he brought his eyes to Lucifer's own. His brother stared at him in concern before turning away and soaring upward. Through it all, Lucy's grip never faltered on him and he held on tight, not daring to touch his wings, curling deeper inside his brother and letting him protect him, keeping him safe like Gabriel always knew somehow he would.

"Hold on tight, little brother." Lucifer's voice rose above the roaring wind and Gabriel did as he was told, happy to hold on tighter. When they were back on solid ground Lucifer put him down, much to Gabriel's disappointment, but he relaxed under his brother's gentle gaze and equally gentle hands as they examined him. It wasn't to last for long though.

"What is wrong with you? Why would you go off and do a stupid thing like that? Do you have any idea how much trouble I'm going to be in?"

Gabriel didn't care though, no matter how loud his brother's shouting became, his hands gripping Gabriel's arms and shaking him. He didn't care even knowing that Michael would be angry at him too, despite knowing that he would not be trusted again for a long time. His brother loved him, even if he only showed it for a few minutes. Gabriel allowed himself one dangerous thing because of those few precious seconds: hope.

Gabriel was falling in love with Lucifer.

Getting older meant a lot of things, it meant knowing more than you were supposed to and getting away with it more often than not, it meant feeling things that you knew you could never admit to and had to deny, even to yourself. It also meant realizing who you were and who you could never be, the things you could never hope to be to someone and the things you knew you already were to someone.

He and Lucifer had a decent but strained relationship. They would argue and they would fight until they were both completely spent, but Lucy did both of these things more with Michael. Gabriel was still lonely, still not receiving the attention he thought he deserved, but Luce would actually hang out with him and tell him important things and ruffle his hair when he was being an idiot.

Michael was always busy and Lucifer was preoccupied more often than not, sometimes telling Gabriel what was on his mind but most of the time not. He knew Lucifer was jealous too, knew he wasn't getting all the attention he wanted all the time, and maybe Gabriel could connect with him in that way.

Maybe they could give each other attention and it would work out okay.

But something changed, something changed that he couldn't understand.

Gabriel came hope early one night, so excited and so happy that he wanted to share these uncontrollable emotions with his brothers. There was a chance that Michael would be back home after several weeks away from them, and Gabriel crossed his fingers and hoped it would be so.

He burst through the door and rushed into his brother's room, "Luci! Luci, I got a charge!"

His face fell when he realized what was going on: Michael and Lucifer were on the bed, moaning and writhing against each other, either oblivious to Gabriel or simply ignoring him. He stared on in shock, his face falling further as Lucifer arched up off the bed, eyes locked with Gabriel's in that one fleeting moment. He had been stupid to imagine Lucifer would want to do something special for him when he heard the news, would want to celebrate.

Gabriel wanted Lucifer. Lucifer didn't want Gabriel.

It was all energy and light and tightly wound, set to explode grace, but that wasn't what hurt Gabriel's eyes. He was hurt, he was hurt because they didn't think to involve him, because he was still the baby of the family, still wasn't good enough for the both of them. They ignored him until they both came - Lucy before Mike - and when Michael pulled out of Lucifer, Lucifer gave him the news.

"It was a mistake, Gabriel. The charge is Mike's now."

Gabriel looked over at Michael and saw him nod, only an ounce of sympathy on his face and no more. Lucifer, however, there was nothing on his face but smugness and disappointment. Gabriel tore his eyes away and looked anywhere else in the room, anywhere but at either of his brothers. "Father has deemed you too incompetent," Lucifer continued and Gabriel's head hung lower, "with you being prone to distractions and irresponsible. Mike and I agreed."

It was too much for Gabriel, Lucifer rubbing it in his face as if having a charge meant nothing to him at all. Gabriel didn't belong here anymore, he hadn't ever belonged here in the first place. He ran out of the room, hiding his head in his hands and waiting until he was far gone from sight until he started sobbing.

He never wanted to see Lucifer again, and he would keep that promise to himself.

Gabriel didn't leave home for another few years, even though there was nothing left for him.

Lucifer was affectionate at rare moments but was impassive and cruel for much of Gabriel's remaining years in heaven. He would still ruffle Gabriel's hair, still claim he sleepwalked and Gabriel would wake up with Lucy in his bed, curled around him as if seeking comfort. Gabriel would lay in his arms until he woke up and left, pretending there was nothing between them even when he could feel his brother's grace curl around his own, when his teeth would nibble at Gabriel's ear, and when his mouth planted kisses at the back of his neck and mumbled his name when he was taking a nap.

So maybe a part of Lucifer loved Gabriel after all, but it didn't mean anything.

Even if Gabriel wanted it to.

It didn't stop when Lucifer started picking fights with everyone but Gabriel, primarily their Father and Michael. Luce would still crawl into his bed, still whisper things to Gabriel when he was drained but couldn't sleep. He would nuzzle Gabriel even when he was awake, would smile at him and run his fingers through his hair and even his wings, which had become big and maybe even sorta beautiful, his face full of awe.

"You've grown up, little brother."

Gabriel scoffed, "I grew up ages ago, you just never wanted to see it."

Lucifer nodded, deep in thought, but he smiled at Gabriel gently and continued to run his chilled fingers through Gabriel's wings, straightening his feathers. He foolishly took Luce's sudden affection as a go ahead and leaned forward to kiss him. Lucifer didn't kiss back, frozen in place as his little brother's lips moved against his own with want and expectation, and Gabriel gave himself a few precious seconds before he pulled away. He couldn't read the look in his eyes, but he was terrified of and excited because of it.

"I love you."

"I know," Lucifer said as if it disgusted him, as if he knew it all along, even when Gabriel was too young to have feelings for anyone, too young to realize fully what they meant. He said it as if Gabriel was a child even though he just admitted he no longer was, and Gabriel wanted to beg him to take it back even though his mouth wouldn't open and his vision blurred.

Gabriel stumbled out of bed and ran. He never looked back, no matter how much it appealed to him.

He never came back either.

Dean Winchester had to go and fuck all of it up.

Sure, Lucy had screwed himself: arguing with Father and hating humans for no good reason, getting sent to Hell because of it so of course he had it coming. And sure, the reunion with his brother as well as the imminent confrontation that would come out of it was gonna happen sooner or later. It was just sooner rather than the later part, which was unfortunate.

He had put it off for so long and now was the time to step up, to prove that he was no longer an irresponsible, needy child. He still loved Luce and he always would, despite the fact that they had never saw eye on eye on anything, even though Gabriel knew all Lucifer was capable of being was a cruel bastard who twisted everyone's good feelings about him and turned them into dust.

Gabriel was no longer embarrassed anymore about his admission and that damn kiss. He remembered it as if it were yesterday, how cold and lifeless his brother's lips had seemed, how Gabriel knew there was nothing in them for him.

Lucifer, you're my brother and I love you. But you are one great big bag of dicks.

For treating me like you did. For thinking humans are worthless, insignificant little things just like I was to you. For taking my love like it was nothing and crushing it. For giving me hope in the first place.

The trick will be on Lucifer this time.

And then it's not.

One minute the sword is in his hand and the next it's not, and Lucifer is ramming it into him as if he doesn't know his own brother at all, as if he was dead long ago and it never mattered and this is just the final step. If only he hadn't come looking for Gabriel and caught him when he jumped, if only he had just let Gabriel fall into nothingness.

If only he had tried to love him.

I still love you, brother.

He is dying. His wings are crumpling in defeat as the life drains from him, his grace wilts and withers away and he tries to pull it back in but he can't. He looks at Lucifer with horrified eyes and he sees it again, sees the look of sympathy, the one that Gabriel cannot help but now hate.

What did I do wrong?

FIN