Living a Hard Life
"I really appreciate you being here for me Collins. I don't know what I would do without you."
My lover, Tom Collins, has been by my side for three years now; today marks the anniversary of when we met; we're going to celebrate our special day with some of our closest friends with a picnic in the park. It was a year ago to this day that the doctors told me that I had some time to live, but they didn't know for sure. As we walked towards the Lincoln Park, I began to think about the day I received the answer to my question: How long did I have to live?
My name is Ange Dumott Schunard and I have AIDS.
It was Monday morning when I got a call from the doctor's office. They asked me to come in because my test results had come back. Collins and I were sitting in the waiting room. As we waited, I thought about all the possible think the doctor was have told me.
I was so nervous, what if he told me that I didn't have that much longer to live, no, I couldn't think that way I told myself. I had to think positive thoughts; that was the only way I could calm myself down. I have such a hard life, I had to take many different pills that help keep some of the symptoms down, but they always come back, sometimes more violently that the last times.
It was about two hours before I was called into the office. The doctor sat Collins and I on the couch and pulled a chair in front of us. Panic swept over me as silence filled the room. Then the doctor told me the words that I had dreaded to hear; he said "Angel, I'm sorry, but the test results came back, you only have 3 more months to live. I'm truly sorry." All I could do was cry in Collins arms. He wiped away my tears and kissed told me that everything was going to be alright.
We arrived at Lincoln Park; it was around the end of spring, but the weather was still beautiful. The wind blew through the air; the smell of fresh flowers filled my senses as I lay out in the grass. Finally all of our friends had arrived, we had a great time talking about what was going on in our lives, Collins and I had decided not to tell them about the test results yet. I figured that I should try to forget about it and have a great time with the life that I still had left.
We stayed in the park with our friends for several hours and before we knew it, it was beginning to get dark. So we said our goodbyes for now and went our separate ways. As we walked towards our apartment, I started to think about all the great times in my life, such as my life growing up when I was a child, the fun times I had and still have with my family, the excitement that I have with my friends and most of all the time I get to spend being with my lover.
After the day at the park I started to have horrible dreams; I would dream that I was going to die alone in a cold and lonely place, only to be forgotten by all of my loved ones. I would wake up screaming and sweating; unfortunately it would just upset my coughing fists even more.
I had two months left to live now. My horrible dreams went to becoming nightmares and then my nightmares became some of my most violent fears and flashbacks:
"The next day I woke up in the hospital with my mother and brother sitting beside my bed. I asked them what happened to me, they hesitated; but they never told me. Even when I begged them to tell me, they never did. Later on my brother told me that someone had raped me. I couldn't believe it; how could I have been subjected to this type of torture. Fear, pain, and agony were all I could feel."
"A note lay on the pillow next to me, it read "I had to leave, I enjoyed our time together, I left you a present, enjoy the rest of your life, living with AIDS."
I still couldn't believe it, I'm twenty three years old and I don't have that much time to live.
Collins kissed my forehead and told me again that everything was going to be ok. Though I thought otherwise; but it was wonderful to hear how he loved me no matter what happened. I smiled at the thought of us being together forever, only for it to go away as I started gasping and coughing violently, sweat poured from my body.
Collins got up quickly and ran to the door to call for help. I knew it was my time to go, I felt weak, the dryness of my coughs made it harder to breath. I saw the doctor and nurses run into the room. Collins was told to leave the room as they tried to save me. I felt cold and then everything went dark.
It must have been a while since I woke up. I had come to find out that I went into a coma for seven months now. I opened my eyes to see all my loved ones surrounding me. I looked to my right to see my lover, Collins standing there holding my hand as tears ran down his face. Throughout the time that I was in a coma, my family and friends had visited me every day. A month later, I began the process of recovering.
That was the toughest moment of my life. It was painful to take my first step again; I was painful to learn how to do everything all over again. But the remarkable this is, I had longer to live. The doctors told me that they had tried a new drug on me while I was in the coma. Test results showed that I now had up to five more years to live. I have since fully recovered and I am back to being my old self again.
It's ironic really, how people are born in a hospital and how people die in a hospital. Now don't get me wrong, many people die on the streets, or in an accident, but people like me, people with a fatal disease, such as AIDS, we may die with family around us, but most likely we will die alone. I was fortunate enough to have die beside the man who loved me, the one person who accepted who I really was, and not just some, poor boy who ran away from home, got separated from his family, hated wearing his true gender's clothing and deceived people into thinking that he was a girl and not a boy. I am happy that I could live the life that I led, because I was living it without fear, and now, I am without the fear of dying unknown to the world.