A/N: So, I'm going through my stories, looking for one to update, and I realize that WIRED has no plot. This is the first time I realize this, just coming back from intensive writing camp and all. So, I have decided to take this story and rewrite it extensively. Yes, it has a plot now. Yes, this may mean that some of the very very funny parts are changed. But, I'm adding a multitude of even funnier parts to keep you all happy. Enjoy!
Hogwarts Gets Wired
Chapt 1: Week 1
Virginia Weasley sat down in front of a brown, "cardboard' box marked UPS. Ginny had no idea what a "UPS" or a "cardboard" was, and frankly, she had no burning desire to find out. All she cared about was what was inside the box.
She slowly peeled off the thick, sticky tape (almost worse than spellotape, she thought to herself) and winced. Shutting her eyes, she stuck a hand inside the box and found… squishy things. Lots of them, to be precise.
"WHY ARE THERE INVADERS IN MY LAPPYTOPPY PACKAGE?!" came a shout from the other room. Ginny came to her senses and rushed into her older brother Ron's room. She was extremely startled by what she found. Ron was covered in the squishy teal items, trying to bat them off of himself and struggling furiously, his face a shade of red that complimented his even redder hair.
Arthur Weasley, their father, stood behind Ginny, his face twisted into a stoic expression- "I think those are called 'styrofoam.' Nasty little buggers, aren't they?" Ron didn't answer, still trying to fight off the swarm of evil.
"They're worse than death eaters!" he shrieked, still missing a couple that were latched on to his back.
"Now now, Ron, there's not much worse than death eaters except for imaging Professor Trelawny in crotchless panties," Ginny commented with a fake sort of earnestness, causing Fred and George who were standing behind their father to break into a fit of giggles. Ron just kept shrieking.
Ginny laughed lightly and wandered back into her room, staring once more at the sullen cardboard box. She waded through the "styrofoam" deftly and reached a small, plastic bag with a black, heavy object inside. Ripping the bag open like a 4 year old at Christmas, she encountered her "laptop" along with a note from Professor Dumbledore. She picked it up, reading it thoroughly-
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Students, Faculty-
I am pleased to welcome you to your new best friend in the Wizarding world. This Dell Dimension laptop with a "Pentium 4" seems to be most enjoyable. I don't exactly know what a "Pentium 4" is, but it sounds enjoyable also. Minerva can't tear me away from that "solitary" game at all. Treat these with the utmost care. They are interesting objects, and the school is financing them. This meaning that the school has control and priority over the kinds of areas you visit on the internet. Do not misuse this privilege. I hope to be seeing you all in the next few weeks, and may the end of your summer break be a splendid one.
Headmaster Dumbledore
Harry set the note down and rubbed his scar slightly, adjusting weight on his cot and lying back down uncomfortably. He did not figure that the end of his summer break would be particularly splendid, seeing as he was angering and confusing the Dursleys beyond belief! Vernon was out of his mind, trying to figure out why the stupid school was sending HARRY (of all people!) a laptop! He didn't even have one himself! Dudley was also miffed, spending most of his free time kicking Harry's books around the house. Harry could only anticipate the sweet screaming coming from downstairs when Dudley found The Monster Book of Monsters pt 3.
Yes, it had been a tiring summer. Harry was forced to face the prospect that it would be an equally tiring year.
---
At the beginning of the new year, everything seemed to be going as planned. The golden trio was in their 6th year, and eagerly anticipating the new challenges it would bring. Hermione more than ever.
She ran into the great hall at breakfast of the first day of the new school year with a frown fixated on her face, shoes slapping against the cobblestones and her cheeks flushed with frustration.
Severus Snape also couldn't help noticing the graceful way her skirt swooshed behind her, the curves of her body taking on a more feminine grace and appeal. He also noticed a couple Ravenclaws noticing this, and made a mental note to take away extra points from them that day. But, more than ever, he noticed that he was glad that his robes were a bit too large, especially in the crotch area.
Sighing, she sat down in between Potter and Weasley, who were engrossed in a rather vivid discussion on ways to use a bludger.
"I still think that breaking body parts should be considered legal!" Ron exclaimed as Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh, hi 'Mione."
Hermione waved in reply.
Harry interjected, "Nonsense. Casualties of the sort has always been known to be illegal. No one wants to be hit with a bludger!"
"But that's the point of the bloody game!" Dean Thomas shouted from the other side of the table. "Bloodshed, violence, getting dirty!!!"
Neville shuddered in response and Ginny just took another bite from her biscuit.
Hermione sat down next to Ginny, straightening her skirt as she did. The potions professor shuddered and averted his glance. Scandalous, he thought to himself.
"So, Gin, maintained usage of these laptop things yet?" Hermione asked, a plate magically appearing in front of her with a biscuit and strawberry jam.
"Not exactly. I read through a couple of manuals, and it seems that our laptops have some "certain capabilities" that others do not, mainly that you do not have to plug them into the wall." Ginny nodded. "I've also noticed that you can do some pretty cool hacking things into others screen names, just by using a simple de-coding program."
Hermione grinned. She could always count on Ginny to analyze things. Most didn't realize that the youngest Weasley had a strong mind (along with a very strong vocabulary) and an extremely analytical one at that. Her favorite class was Arithmancy and she took it with Hermione, seeing as she had progressed to the 6th year level after taking a summer course. Both girls had bonded over the class, finding themselves to have more in common than they realized. The main difference was that Hermione had the strength to show her intelligence, while Ginny did not. She usually kept with the same air headed group of girls, only showing off her secret intellect when Hermione was around.
Spreading a thin layer of jam over her biscuit, she replied. "How exactly do you seem to always figure this out?" Ginny just giggled and patted her mouth with her napkin daintily. Hermione envied the fact that her friend could make the simplest things look so effortlessly feminine.
They both turned toward the rest of the Gryffindors as a large crash was heard, directing their attention to the ghastly scene. Dean Thomas and Ron were staring daggers as they were having a swordfight with a fork and knife. Harry was quite shocked and dove underneath the table, crouching for safety.
Professor Snape just threw his head back and laughed.
---
Message From: dmalfoy
To: ccrabbe; ggoyle; bzabini; pparkinson
Subject: Chain Letter
For our personal enjoyment: Potter is a pussy. Pass it on.
---
Ginny was very bored. Ginny was bored beyond words. She scanned through the student database leisurely, enjoying the flow of text in front of her. Her eyes stopped on a single name, entering the IP address into her hacking program and getting to work.
Harry would feel quite badly about stealing her quill during Arithmancy. Oh yes.
---
Instant Message-
Dmalfoy: Harry, I just wanted to confess my adoration for you and everything you do.
Hpotter: …
Dmalfoy: I'm serious. grin
Hpotter: …
Dmalfoy: I'll send it out in a mass email!
Hpotter: …
---
From: dmalfoy
To: Entire Student Body
Subject: My Secret Crush
WELLL…
It used to be a secret, but not anymore
Potter's so cool; he's the one that I adore
I sleep with a picture of him by my bed
I dream dirty dreams nightly about him in my head
Parkinson's a bitch, I hate her guts
I wanna marry Harry, and no buts
He's so goddamn sexy, and I look all right
And with both of us together we can fuck all night!
Thank you, I'll be here till Thursday.
Draco Sex God Malfoy
---
From: dmalfoy
To: Entire Student Body
Subject: Ummm
Everyone's been looking at me funny lately, I cant seem to figure out why. Did someone send something out on my email address?
DM
---
HOGWARTS ANNOUNCEMENTS:
1)The Third Floor corridor is still off limits.
2) Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle: The computers are NOT for you to view porn with. I expect to see you two in my office soon.
3) Ms. Weasley, we will NOT hack into other students email addresses.
4) These computers should not be misused in any way. Thank you.
Professor Albus Dumbledore
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I'll start rewriting TIKI soon, too. Enjoy!