Chance
Neal watched as Peter's breathing slowed, as his heart came to a stop, and for what felt like eternity, Neal's heart had stopped too. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be dying. Couldn't.
When Moz had told him Peter knew Diana had the music box, Neal hadn't even had time be angry. Before he could even process what he'd just been told, he saw the pen in her purse… what had she done?
He got in the ambulance with Peter, ignoring the objections from the medics. He vaguely remembered hearing Diana say something to them, but he didn't know what, all he knew was they left him alone after that.
He didn't care what was going on around him. All he could focus on was Peter, and the fact that he was dying.
Dying.
Dying.
This couldn't be happening. Peter couldn't be dying.
Logically, Neal knew that Peter was not invincible, but still it felt wrong that the man could be dying.
"Sir," one of the nurses said politely, placing a hand on his arm as they entered the ER. "I understand your situation, but I can't allow you in. You'll have to go around to the waiting area."
Neal blinked, the words taking longer than they should have to register in his mind. He nodded after several seconds and she smiled sadly at him before walking away.
"We'll let you know the moment we know anything," she assured him.
In the meantime, he paced the waiting area back and forth, then sat down, hoping it would help him relax.
It didn't. Just a few seconds after sitting down, he felt restless and like he should be moving. He jumped back up and resumed pacing as faced as the thoughts racing through his mind.
Peter's dying.
Peter's dying.
Peter's dying.
Every once in a while, a stray thought would cross his mind, one where Peter knew Diana had the music box and was keeping it from him.
Peter was the one person Neal had ever really trusted, even above Moz and Kate (though there was no way in hell he was telling him that). If Peter had Diana hiding the box, and didn't tell Neal about it, there must have been a reason. Neal knew that Peter was probably doing it to protect him.
Peter's dying.
"Neal?" he heard a voice say. He looked over at the woman who had just placed a hand on his arm comfortingly. Diana. But there wasn't anything comforting about her hand being there. Nothing short of a tranquilizer would be comforting at this point.
He stopped pacing and just stared at her.
"Neal? What's going on?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"You don't know?" she asked, making sure she understood his lack of speech.
He nodded and shrugged. He was breathing so heavily that even if he had something to say, he wasn't sure he'd be able to.
"Are you okay?" she asked him softly.
He blink several times, unsure what she was asking. After a moment, he nodded, thinking that was the answer she was looking for.
"I'm going to talk to the nurse, okay honey?" she said, looking at him worriedly.
He knew the words the spoke should have made sense, that he should understand. But try as he might, the only thing his brain could comprehend was:
Peter was dying.
"Neal," Diana's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Neal!" she said louder when he didn't show any sign of hearing her.
"Huh?" he grunted, turning toward her.
"They've pumped his stomach and given him some medication to counter the effects of the poison. They're moving him out of the ER now."
Neal blinked several times. "What?"
"Come on, Neal," she said, taking his arm. "Let's go visit him."
"He's okay?" Neal asked, not understanding.
"That's what the nurse said," Diana nodded. "Come on."
Neal followed as she tugged him down the hallway, still trying to comprehend that Peter was okay.
Peter was okay.
Peter was okay.
Peter was okay!
"Peter's okay?" he asked again as they stepped out of the elevator, three floors up.
"Yeah, Neal, Peter's gonna be okay." She walked over to the nurses' station and asked for Burke. The nurse she spoke to seemed very adamant that they were not allowed to visit Peter. Neal couldn't hear how Diana responded, but she looked angry and forceful. A moment later, the nurse, very apologetically, pointed down the hall.
"Room 413," Diana said, walking back to Neal.
Neal felt like he was running down the hall to his room, which logically should have been quite close, and still it seemed to take years to get there.
When he finally reached the door, Diana at his side, he pushed the door open to see Peter sleep peacefully. He let out a long sigh of relief and felt like it was the first breath he'd taken in a long time.
Peter was okay.
"Neal? Diana?"
The duo turned to see Elizabeth walking up behind them.
"Elizabeth," Neal said, wondering why he was so surprised that she was there.
"Is he okay?" she asked, frantic.
Diana nodded, while Neal seemed to revert back to the near catatonic stage he'd been at a few moments before.
"We just came to check on him," Diana said. "I think he's sleeping."
Elizabeth smiled slightly. "It's good that you guys are here," she said, her eyes welling slightly. "He'd be glad that you're here." She scooted through the open door and sat down at her husband's bedside.
"Let's give them some privacy," Diana said to Neal, pulling the door closed most of the way, the sitting down against the opposite wall.
They sat together in silence for a while, before Diana was unable to keep quiet any longer.
"What's the matter, Neal?" she asked, knowing something was bothering him severely.
Caffrey shrugged it off. "Nothing. I'm fine."
"Oh please. I thought you were one of the greatest cons of all time."
"Hey! I am!"
"You've gone soft," she said. "Most people can't spot a lie through you're pretty smile, other than Peter. But that was completely transparent. Let's try again: what's the matter?"
Neal didn't respond for a long while.
"I thought he was dead," he finally said.
"But he's not. He's okay."
"I know."
"But something's still bother you. What is it?"
He took a deep breath, and decided that if he was going to tell this to anyone, it made the most sense it to be her, she would understand without judging him.
"Down on the street, I'd just gotten a call from Moz. For a second I was so angry at Peter, because he knew you had the music box and didn't tell me."
Diana briefly wondered how Mozzie had figured it out, but figured she could always ask later.
"But it barely registered. I barely had time to be angry at him because… I don't know, I just knew something was wrong. I just knew. And then I saw the FBI recording pen and I realized what she'd done… I was terrified. That I wouldn't get there in time, that I wouldn't be able to save him. I panicked."
"You did good Neal," she assured him. "You looked through the fear and did what you had to do. Peter is alive because of you."
"Yeah," he nodded. He was quiet a little longer, but Diana didn't push now, knowing that whatever else was bothering him would come out when he was ready.
"I was sitting there in the ambulance with him, part of me wondering what the hell you said to get that medic to back off, and then part of me realizes something… Peter saved my life. If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in prison. I was in prison because of him, but I get it now. It feels insane to say that I've reformed, but I think I have…"
"You have," she nodded in agreement. He was a good man, even if he did some questionable things still, he always had good intentions.
"And I owe it to Peter. I owe my life to him. So I'm in the ambulance, sitting next to this guy, knowing that he might be dying, and all I can think about is this: I'm in love with this man, and I'll never be able to tell him."
Diana didn't say anything. She isn't exactly surprised by the revelation, but she didn't think he really needed to hear that.
"Down in the ER… I could hardly think. I was so sure he was going to die, and it hurt. It hurt so bad I don't even know how to put it into words. I don't even know how long I was standing there, thinking 'Peter's dying, Peter's dying'. And then you're standing next to me, saying he's okay. My first thought, one that's still completely plausible, is that it's all just some kind of panic-induced hallucination. For all I know, I'm still in the ER, or hell, maybe I didn't make it to Peter in time, and this is my mind's way of keeping me from freaking out."
Diana didn't see the need to point out that if this was his mind's of keeping him calm, his mind wasn't doing a very good job.
"But there, there's an equally good chance that it is all real, that Peter's okay, that he's alive and breathing and completely fine. And I wonder if maybe there is a god, or higher power, or someone out there that thinks 'hey, this crook deserves another chance', which I know I don't, but I can accept that if it means Peter's okay. And once I accepted that, somewhere in the elevator I think, I decided... I'm done. I'm done pretending. No more lies and half truths and leaving out details. I'm going to tell Peter the truth. About everything."
Diana pondered what exactly everything meant. Did it mean revealing the stashed of stolen goods that they all knew he had hiding somewhere? Or did it mean he was going to tell him how he felt?
"I'm gonna tell him I love him," Neal said, answering her question. And then he was quiet again. "And I was. I was so ready to, the second we walked into his room. But then…"
And that's when Diana realized the problem.
"Elizabeth," she said.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I love her. She's wonderful, and an amazing wife for Peter. I know that Peter could never return my feelings, but I can live with that. What I can't live with, is doing some dishonor to Elizabeth."
"You think by loving Peter, you're dishonoring her?"
Peter shrugged. "Kinda. By saying how I feel, it feels like I'm trying to compete with her. Which I'm not, because there's no way I compare to her."
"You sell yourself short Neal," Diana said. "You're a good man. Well, a better man than you used to be," she smiled, trying to lighten the mood. Neal smiled slightly, but it was nothing like the flirtatious smiled he wore as a constant mask.
"Neal?" Elizabeth's voice said softly.
Neal looked up at her questioningly.
"Peter wants to see you," she smiled at him.
His heart skipped for a moment, then he got up and went into his handler's room, while Elizabeth joined Diana on the floor.
"My husband is in love with that man," she smiled, once Neal was out of earshot. "And it seems pretty obvious that Neal loves him too. That's not just me, is it?"
"No," Diana shook her head. "I see it too. And a few of the girls around the office see it as well. Hell, I'd go so far as to say the whole office probably sees it."
"It feels selfish of me," El said. "To keep him to myself, when he could be so happy with Neal."
"He's pretty happy with you," Diana pointed out. "I don't see him complaining."
"No," Elizabeth agreed. Then she smiled a little. "But you should see how he looks when he's talks about Neal. Even when he's so annoyed with him. It sounds cheesy, but he gets this sparkle in his eye that he never got with me. I think… Did Peter tell you I got offered a job in Los Angeles?"
"Yeah," Diana nodded. "Told me you turned it down though."
"I did. But… I think I might see if it's still available. I think it's time for Peter and I to… to move on with our lives. I love him, I love him so much. But there are some people in California I really care about too and… I think Peter and Neal deserve a chance. Don't you?"
"Yeah, I think they do."
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Make sure they don't stay too oblivious. Not for long at least."
Diana smiled. "Of course."
/
There were a million things running through Neal's mind when he walked into Peter's room. A million thing he wanted to say. But the words that found their way out of his mouth were not ones he was considering.
"Diana has the music box and you knew," no hostility in his voice. "You kept it from me."
Peter gave him an odd look for a moment, before speaking. "I did it to protect you."
"That's what you always say. When you lie it's to protect me, when I lie, it's a felony."
"With you it usually is," Peter shot back.
"Never to you!" Neal shouted. "I never lied to you. I stretch the truth and leave out details, but I never flat out lied to you!"
"Neal-" Peter began.
"No," Neal interrupted, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "Let's try this again. I don't want to talk about this now. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't want to, I just…."
"Just what Neal?"
"Don't know how to say what I want to say."
"Neal," Peter said softly. "Whatever it is, just say it."
It wasn't until then that Neal realized what he was doing. One hand was grasping tightly to one of Peter's, while the other hand found its way into Peter's hair.
"Neal," Peter whispered again, encouraging him to say what was on his mind.
After a long pause, Neal began to speak. "When Kate died… I nothing could hurt as much as that did. But… when I realized you were in danger, when you were unconscious in that ambulance… I thought you were dead and… it hurt so much worse. I think… I think I always knew, but I didn't realize until then just how much… I'm in love with you, Peter," he finally said.
And then it seemed to occur to him what he'd just confessed to. He jumped out of the chair and away from Peter before he could get a word in edgewise.
"Neal," he protested. "Neal," he said again.
But Neal was already at the door, and paying no attention to Peter.
"Neal!" he exclaimed. Neal stopped dead in his tracks, but didn't turn around. He couldn't look at Peter, not now. "Neal, come here. Sit back down. Please."
"Don't, Peter," Neal said, shaking his head. "Don't. Just, just forget I said anything." He reached for the door handle.
"I love you, Neal," Peter said.
Neal stopped again, his eyes wide. "What?" he asked, his voice shaky.
"I love you," Peter said again. "I love you. Please… just come sit back down."
Neal turned at stared at him, wondering, once again, if this was all some hallucination, because there was no way in hell that Peter just said he loved Neal.
"Please, Neal?" Peter asked, indicating to the chair. Neal slowly walked over, trying to comprehend what was happening. Once he was in the chair, Peter took his hand and held it tight. "Thank you," he said. "For saving my life."