Chapter One: Numb, Anxious, Worried, and Alone

She's home….finally. She can let go, she can break down. Olivia Pope has earned that especially after a day like today. She's gained the right to let it go, to let her walls down for a few minutes and just cry. Her ash riddled clothes are a testament to the fact that she is alive. While the blood and dust underneath her ruined manicure bare a jarring reminder of today's failures. Because that's what she has done, she failed and poor, grieving, naïve Mary paid the price.

Much like the bomb that turned Mary into nothing more than body parts…this last failure proves to be too much, the final crack in damn. She failed Cyrus by putting her heart before her head. She failed her father by being never leaving up to his standards. She failed Fitz by running again, by putting his "needs" before their love, knowing it would crush his heart in the process. With all this failures over her head all she wants is to do is unwind at home with a good bottle of wine.

Except she can't.

Because after a day like this she forgot he was here…..Jake. Poor. Broken. Backstabbing Jake. He's in her home when he shouldn't be. He's looking at her and talking but she doesn't hear him, she doesn't see him. No instead of his hazel eyes questioning her she's envisioning steel-blue ones staring at her lovingly. She's imagining broad shoulders encasing her in love and curly brown hair running through her fingers. She's looking at Jake and thinking of Fitz…again. Olivia sighs as she tries to clear her head of her married ex-lover.

Making her way to the kitchen Olivia hunts for her last bottle of wine choosing to drink the last few drops straight from the bottle. Jake is still talking but she doesn't care. Olivia has neither the energy nor time to answer his incessant questions. Brushing him off, she retells the same lie her gladiators heard.

"I'm fine."

But she's not. Slowly she is falling apart and he can't see that. No Jake is just talking again ignoring the blatant fact that Olivia just wants to be left alone. Like a love sick puppy he continues to follow her around the house as she tries to escape. Hounding her with questions and submitting her to his twisted inquisition. Sighing as she reaches the bedroom Olivia has finally had enough.

"Jake, I get you are "concerned"right now, but I just was to be alone." Olivia states as she slams the door in his face.

Grateful that at last he gets it, Olivia sighs heavily as she listens to his footsteps led away. Dropping her shoes and purse on the floor Olivia silently makes her way through her sunset lit room. Exhausted she sits on her bed still in her ruined clothing, but does not care. Because now she can let go, now she is free to break down.

But she can't because the moment has past and now she is numb.

Numb and Alone.

He's pacing in circles. Chuckling to himself Fitzgerald Grant realizes yet another small trait he has picked up from her…from Olivia. His Livvie, who almost died today. She was almost blown to pieces today and he could do was watch helplessly. While she was locked in a room with a bomb, he was locked in the bunker with his wife. She was in danger and there he was powerless, trapped in one of the safest places in the country. The most powerful man in the world couldn't do anything….once again.

Is it all worth it, the campaigning, the extensive security, and the secrets? What's the point is if he is proven powerless over and over again? Standing in the middle of the Presidential seal scotch in hand Fitz stops to imagine how completely different his life would be if he hadn't "won" the election. Mellie wouldn't want to be bound to a failure so a divorce would have been eminent after his campaign loss. His children would have been brought home instead of growing up in a boarding school that he hated. And Olivia…they could have been together. Not immediately of course, too fast and the rumors labeling her "a home wrecker" would never end. Knowing Olivia she would have already planned out just how to go about introducing their relationship to world. She would have thought of everything from when their "first" date would be to how long until being formally introduced as his girlfriend. If he had it his way not long after she would become his fiancé and eventually his wife. Who knows maybe after all that he could have run again with Olivia as his first lady? She would be far more than ornamental; no Olivia Pope would have renovated the role of First Lady.

But he can't think about life's what ifs and what could have been, the damage is already done. He has made his bed and has to lie in it. Sighing loudly Fitz plops down on the couch, resting his feet on its arm.

At least now she was safe he thinks out loud. Olivia had made it out alive that was the day's silver lining; one he was damn grateful for, because any other outcome was unthinkable. The other outcome, the thought of his Livvie dying, was the reason that Fitzgerald Grant, President of the United States was slightly drunk laying on the sofa of the Oval Office at 1:36 in the morning. Because even the thought of living in a world without her, leaves him completely devastated.

A soft knock on the door wakes Fitz from his negative stupor. Sitting up he wonders what could possibly be wrong this early in the morning. Even slightly inebriated Fitz knows that good news never comes in the middle of the night. He yells out for whoever it is to enter as he contemplates what it could be. Did the Iranian government declare war? Was there an attack on American soil? Was it his kids, were they ok? Or has Mellie finally come woken from her drunken sleep and come to nag him about returning to the residence for appearance sake?

Instead he watches as SSA Tom enters with a small black phone in hand. After the days back and forth between him and Ballard Fitz can honestly say he is not all excited to see it again so soon. It is forever tainted with this horrible day.

"You have a call sir" Tom states as he hands the instrument over to Fitz. He face is stoic as always, trained into the perfect poker face giving away nothing but it is the look in his eyes that makes Fitz begin to worry.

"What is it Tom?" Fitz asks staring at the phone in his hand.

"You have a call sir" Tom repeats. "A dire one sir" he adds making his way out of the office before Fitz can ask any more questions.

The little black flip phone feels incredibly heavy in his hands as Fitz mulls over Tom's words. Was something wrong with Olivia? It has to be for her to call him at this time of night. Walking over to the window, Fitz sobers up mentally preparing himself for what is to come. He doesn't know what this conversation will entail, hell she could be calling just to yell at his impotence and Fitz would be happy just for the chance to hear her voice.

"Hi" Fitz greets breathlessly. He holds his breath as he waits for her response, for her to greet him in their special way so he knows that everything is going to be ok. But silence is all he receives. "Livvie?" he asks anxiously, clutching the tiny phone closer to his ear as his worry intensifies.

"Hello Mr. President"

AN: Hello all hoped you liked my first fanfic please rate and review. I love constructive criticism so don't feel bad telling me how to improve. After the complete fuckery that was all of season three Scandal I have lost all hope (the little that I did have) in SR. She was handed gold in her hands and somehow turned it into complete shit sigh oh well that's what's fanfiction is for right?