Draco Malfoy, Gay Bar Part Two
a crack challenge by J. Merrick

The Challenge from the Teacher's Lounge "I Never" Challenge: Yule Ball, year four. Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle are the Three Stooges.

Christopher you're evil.

I extrapolated a bit on the challenge from there.

Story Start

I used to dress in black every night, but then something happened to me.

As I stroll into the club that I'm pretty sure that those I went to school with those many years ago would laugh at the thought of me being at, I momentarily see her face before my eyes blink and it's replaced by three days of scruff, a broken nose, horrible make up and a scouse accent.

Shaking my head at that I wander on past, feeling the eyes upon me. Remembering that face brings me back to...that night. Before that night I had the world pretty much in hand, yeah? Heir to the biggest fortune in the British Isles, my father holding the entire government by the tackle, a top ten academic place in a school where everyone but him cowered at the thought of my father, and a pretty bird on my arms.

So of course that had to be all cocked up by the two biggest buffoons known to man as my "friends." Just thinking about them now kills all desire for the evening, and I did not shimmy my way into these leather trousers after a week of barely eating a prune to go home alone tonight.

Still I digress, you're here in my thoughts so you probably want to know exactly what happened then right? Well, jog on, the memory is well repressed somewhere down there.

X X X

Draco Malfoy had just finished putting the finest dress robes that Galleons could buy when his two...associates Crabbe and Goyle spilled into the room, fighting with each other as if to get Draco's attention.

"What's the big idea?" Draco asked, turning away from the mirror to see the two lumbering oafs that his father insisted he keep on as 'retainers' kept pushing at each other.

"I'm sorry Draco, it was an accident!" Crabbe said, running his hand through his hair and causing it to frizz out like Granger. Draco sighed, counted to ten in his head, and let out his breath slow.

"What was an accident?" Draco sneered, his right hand twitching.

"Pansy's dress!" Crabbe replied, "We had just meant to, uh, help her into it!"

"Yeah, help her into it!" Goyle replied, causing Draco to slap him upside the head.

"Shut your mouth, let him finish," Draco stated, "You were going to finish?"

"Well, we helped her into it, and now she's stuck," Crabbe continued, "And now she's yelling and screaming about it."

"How'd you help her into it?" Draco asked, his hand twitching again.

"Tried to enlarge it and then shrink it," Crabbe replied, anticipating what was going to come next.

"You nitwit!" Draco exclaimed, bopping Crabbe on the head.

"Yeah, you're a nitwit!" Goyle chimed in.

"You let him!" Draco replied, bopping Goyle on the head as well, "Now spread out, this requires a delicate touch!"

Draco strode out of the dorm towards the female ones, hoping that the evening could be salvaged.

X X X

"Solo," I mentioned to the boy that was currently trying to ascertain my relationship status. He wouldn't be doing anything to change that, he still had acne.

So you're still here in my mind then? Let me help the story you're after along a little bit then. I got to Pansy's room and found her stuck in her dress. Had to tear the bloody thing off of her. She did not like that, not one bit.

Because it was Crabbe and Goyle's fault, she said that I had to fix it, and quickly because it was the night of the Yule Ball. What did I know about woman's garments?

X X X

"Alright, this should be easy," Draco said, sprawling the pink monstrosity across the table, "Goyle, you know how to mend garments, right?"

"Soitently!" Goyle replied,

"Good, keep it that way," Draco responded, turning to Crabbe and ignoring the other oaf who was talking about things he out to do, "Go get one of Nott's books, he's a ponce he'll have something in there."

Draco looked at the robes, which were in about ten pieces. He tried a simple Reparo and was horrified when the dress fell into twenty more pieces that billowed about the room.

"Remind me to murder you later," Draco shouted as they chased the garment scraps down.

"I'll make a note of it," Goyle replied, bumping into Draco, who slapped him on the back of the head as he ran by.

By the time they had finished collecting all the pieces Crabbe – whose hair had managed to frizz out even more so than before – ran back into the room.

"Hey porcupine, give it here," Draco shouted, grabbing the book and starting to read from it, "Okay, step one. Do not use Reparo."

Here he paused, looked at the dress and sighed. This was going to be a long night.

X X X

A long night it indeed was, but we somehow managed to get the dress fixed just in time. We got to the ball, a great time was had, and I was one hundred percent certain that I was going to get lucky that night.

But of course you know that I'm Draco Bloody Malfoy, the outcast of the Malfoy family, and owner of the white leather pants. So how did that happen?

Dive back into the memory as I chat this lad up, won't you?

X X X

Draco escorted Pansy back to the common room, he had a grin on his face for he knew that all his hard work was going to be paying off. He was Draco Bloody Malfoy, this was his right!

He let Pansy into the common room as she whispered to give her a few minutes before joining her in private. He watched her walk off before turning to Crabbe and Goyle, slapping the one across the face and poking the other in the eyes.

"What was that for?" Crabbe asked.

"Yes, we didn't do nothing!" Goyle exclaimed.

"That's in case you think of doing nothing!" Draco said, "Now, you are going to watch out to make sure no one disturbs us, that clear?"

Before either of them could respond an ear piercing shriek was heard. The three ran into the common room and saw that Pansy was currently fighting with her robes as if they had come to life.

"DRACO FIX THIS!" she shouted as the rest of the common room looked on dumbly.

"Spread out!" Draco shouted to Crabbe and Goyle, who each grabbed an arm of the dress.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DRESS?" Pansy shrieked as Draco started launching spell after spell at it.

"We fixed it using one of Nott's books!" Draco replied, as he watched each spell cause the dress to get angrier and angrier.

"Oh, you said Nott," Crabbe shouted, "I thought you said Zabini!"

"WHY WOULD YOU BLOODY USE ONE OF ZABINIS YOU KNUCKLEHEAD?!" Draco roared, thinking about the boy whose mother went through husbands on a bi-monthly basis. Just then a roar was heard from the dress before it disappeared completely.

Leaving a half naked, and quite distressed Pansy in the middle of the common room. A half naked, quite distressed, and royally pissed off Pansy.

No one quite knew what spells she launched at Draco in that instant, and it had seemed that no damage was done except for terrifying the lad.

Until he discovered that the thought of women made him violently ill.

X X X

So there you have it. My two stooges and I fixed Pansy's dress, she 'fixed' me, and now I'm here. Chatting up Manchester's most strapping young men.

I took some time off after the war, got rid of all my black belongings, and now I dress primarily in white.

Now if you would kindly leave my mind, slowly I turn, step by step...

Story End