"All this time we were waiting for each other,
All this time I was waiting for you...
We got all these words, can't waste them on another,
So I'm straight in a straight line running back to you."
-o-o-o-
It always happens during this time of the year. When everyone else is busy planning things on how to celebrate, when people forget their grudges against one another just wanting to be blissful and to be in peace, that's when it always hits Piper.
She's not one of those people.
She's not happy.
She hates everything.
Christmas fucking sucks.
So every time, she does everything she can think of just so she can't remember what day it is. Sometimes she drinks herself into oblivion. Sometimes she goes to bars and picks up the hottest guy (yes, always a guy) she meets and fucks him 'til she's too exhausted to keep her eyes open. But sometimes she just cries herself to sleep until she's too numb to feel anything anymore.
But this year is different.
She doesn't know why she's decided to stay home and stay sober. But she did.
Then her phone buzzes . And suddenly she knows why.
"Hey."
It's just as simple as that. But in just a snap like that, Piper finds her world being shaken by something so huge she doesn't know how to respond.
She hasn't heard from Alex in four long fucking destructive years.
She hasn't heard from her ever since she made the life-changing decision of choosing a safe, conventional life over the uncertain, adventure-filled life with her.
She hasn't heard from Alex ever since she broke her heart while breaking her own self in the process.
But now she has and Piper is caught unprepared.
She clutches her phone tightly, wishing in god's name that she can bring her breathing back to normal so she can think properly... so she knows what to do.
Because this is something she never really bothered preparing herself for... for Alex to be the one to reach out to her.
She was the one left with her heart broken into a million pieces when all she's ever done was give Piper everything. She was the one who got fucked over by the woman who swore they'd always be a team no matter what happened.
Piper was the one who did the leaving. But why is Alex still the one who gets to come back?
Suddenly, Piper's phone vibrates again. She looks at it and she feels herself go rigid because Alex is calling her. And Piper has no idea why Alex wants to even hear her voice.
After what she did. After what she's put her through.
Piper remembers that day when she left her... when Alex begged her to stay... the Alex Vause who never begs... who doesn't give a single fuck about anyone else. She cried and begged Piper not to leave. But Piper didn't answer and still left anyway.
And Piper is sure Alex should have been done with her from that day on. But she's calling. And Piper doesn't answer yet again.
Alex leaves Piper a voicemail. Piper doesn't want to listen to it because she doesn't know if she's ready for it. But she still does anyway.
"Piper... please just answer your phone. I just really need to talk to you."
Piper feels her chest tighten at the sound of Alex's voice. She really hasn't thought about how she misses it, never allowed herself to do so, until now. And it hurts.
It hurts so fucking deeply right in her very existence because it's not the same voice she was always used to. It sounds strained, like Alex is controlling it for it not to shake. It sounds so unlike Alex that Piper almost doesn't recognize it.
Then her phone is ringing again and for the second time she just lets it. It rings for a third time then a fourth. And when Piper feels like her heart is about to explode at thought of Alex frantically dialling her phone just so she can reach her, she throws the device away and runs for her room where she buries her face in her pillows, drowns herself in the sheets desperately trying to tune out what's happening.
Then she cries. She cries at the thought of Alex. She cries at how destructive days had become ever since she lost her. She cries at how her life lost its meaning when she walked away from the only thing that made sense.
She just cries, until she succumbs to the darkness and falls into a dreamless sleep.
When Piper wakes up, it's almost midnight and for a second, she doesn't remember why she's fallen asleep. Or why her eyes feel like they've been punched over and over again. Or why she feels more broken than she already is.
Then she does remember and how she wishes she'd just fallen asleep until she completely forgets. Which of course has the possibility of not ever happening which means she has to sleep for the rest of her life but the thought of that is way better than having to face today. Or what's left of it anyway.
Piper goes back out and spots her phone which lays discarded on the floor. For a while, she just stares at it, as if it will just magically disappear if she stares at it long enough and then she doesn't have to deal with it anymore.
But she knows she has to or it's never going away. This, whatever the hell she's feeling, it's gonna stay with her forever if she doesn't do anything about it.
So she sits down on the floor and backs herself against her couch as she picks up her phone. She has 14 missed calls. And two voice mails. All from Alex. Piper can feel herself shaking as she finally does the thing that might break her for good.
"Pipes, I know that you don't want anything to do with me anymore. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for coming back into your life again. I tried to stay away, I swear. But I just... I miss you so fucking much."
"I just wanna hear your voice. Please just let me hear your voice and then I'll stop. I'll disappear from your life for good. Just let me hear your voice one last time. Please."
And then once again Piper finds herself crying because after all these years, when she thought she's only been the one stuck in the past, not being able to move on to other things even if that was her intention when she left, Alex is still also there stuck with her.
But now...
Alex once begged Piper to stay... and now she's begging again. But not so Piper can come back to her, but for Piper to do one last thing so Alex can finally let her go.
Piper dials her phone and listens to it ring before it stops and then there is complete silence on the other end of the line. At first Piper thought Alex has come back to her senses and put her phone down before Piper can even utter a word.
But Piper can hear Alex breathing, and it almost hurts listening to it. And she doesn't understand why, but she welcomes the pain, takes it all with all that she can. Because with everything she's ever done to Alex, it's the only thing she deserves now, to feel as much pain as she's caused her even if it ends up being the thing that destroys her.
"Alex? Alex, are you there?"
"Pipes..."
The nickname brings Piper back to the past, where just listening to Alex say it already brings her a sense of calm. Just that simple name and Piper already feels like she's home.
But right now, listening to Alex whisper her name, her voice shaking in the process... it almost breaks Piper completely. Because this time, everything is different. Alex is not home anymore, and Piper is the one who destroyed that. And yet it's excruciatingly painful how she still wants her to be, so fucking badly.
"Alex, is everything okay?"
"I miss you."
"I miss you, too," she softly whispers, hoping Alex doesn't hear her. She just wants to finally say it, because if she forces herself not to one more time, Piper knows she's going to explode. But she doesn't want Alex to know what she feels, because it might just pull her back to her again. And that's the last thing Alex deserves... her.
Alex doesn't deserve someone who does nothing but break her. She doesn't deserve someone like Piper. She doesn't deserve someone who gives so much less than what she's giving.
Alex gave Piper everything. But Piper took all of that, and left Alex with nothing in return.
But of course, Alex hears her. And once she speaks again, Piper can hear just how relieved she sounds, and it hurts Piper just a bit more.
"You do?"
"Yes."
"I never stopped thinking about you." Silence. "Is that wrong? That I should've stopped long ago, and yet I still can't?"
Piper wants to say that it's so wrong it almost sounds crazy. It is crazy. But instead she finds herself saying what she's been suppressing for so long, that thing she's never allowed herself to say or to even think about anymore.
"I never stopped thinking about you, too."
Piper hears Alex sigh and then silence engulfs them once again. And suddenly Piper just gets so damn tired, of not allowing herself to feel any of it. She knows it's selfish and it won't do her and Alex any good.
But it's fucking Christmas, and she's talking to Alex. And there might be a fat chance this is gonna be the last time she ever talks to her again so why the fuck not indulge in it for one last time?
"Where are you, Al?"
"I'm here in Paris."
And then Piper knows why after all those years of hearing nothing from Alex, she hears from her now. Paris, a reminder of when both their lives started falling apart, a painful reminder of Piper.
"Is that why..." But Alex doesn't let her finish and Piper is thankful because she knows she can't bear to say it out loud... that the only thing that reminds Alex of her now is pain.
"Can we... can we not talk about... that? I just..." she sighs again and Piper hears just how exhausted Alex sounds. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"No. I'm home. And I'm alone... doing nothing."
"Sounds real festive, Pipes. It almost puts whatever I'm doing to shame."
The mood suddenly shifts to something lighter and Piper allows it. So she follows suit and speaks again in a much lighter tone, trying to sound at least happy. "Almost? So I still don't get the award for most horrible Christmas ever? Why, what are you doing?"
"I'm outside this hotel where I threw a Christmas party I didn't even want to attend in the first place, trying to hide from this guy who apparently doesn't have a gaydar and keeps hitting on me."
Piper finds herself chuckling and oh how it feels so fucking good to do that again. "Okay, I admit to my defeat, the use of the term gaydar and your situation itself wins the most horrible Christmas ever."
"I told you so." Another silence and for a second, Piper wants the time to stop. She wants to just stay like this, with Alex, everything else turning into a background. "Why are you alone? Don't you have some fancy dinner with the Chapmans or even just Holly the Great?"
"There is... but they know how much I abhor this day so ever since their third failed attempt to lure me into one of their fancy dinners, they just stopped."
"So I see you still haven't changed, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"Abhor? Big fuckin' word."
Piper again just chuckles at that and Alex joins her and it's painful how she's enjoying this because she knows it's never going to happen again.
"I wish you were here." Piper knows she shouldn't have said that. But then again, she shouldn't have called Alex back in the first place so she allows the truth to slip, allows herself the power to break Alex all over again.
Alex doesn't say anything for too long in Piper's opinion and she suddenly regrets saying it and is about to take it back when Alex speaks again.
"I wish I was, too, Pipes."
Then in just a snap like that, everything feels heavy again. The truth about where they both are, about why they're miles away and not together makes it presence known again and Piper is thrown back to the present, the tightening of her chest almost too much that she finds it hard to breathe.
"I'm sorry, Alex. For all of it. I wish I could've done things differently but maybe it really was supposed to happen that way. If I could take it all back, I would."
"You mean if you could go back to that day, you wouldn't leave?"
"It means that if there was a way that that day could've happened without you hurting, I would've gone to the ends of the earth to do it."
"I'm sorry, too. I'd have also done a lot of it differently. But you know what I wouldn't have changed?"
"What?"
"You. Of all of it, you were the only one that felt right, that didn't feel out of place. You were supposed to be the only thing that mattered. And I'm sorry that I didn't see that."
Piper's vision is now blurred and she realizes she's been crying, but doesn't remember when the tears started. "What are we doing, Alex?"
And then Alex says the thing that finally breaks Piper."Saying goodbye?"
The pain doubles. The tears fall faster. And yet Piper thinks it isn't enough.
But she's a horrible person... and she's selfish. So she tries another time to hold on to Alex. "I don't... I don't know if I can ever... if I can ever do that."
"But you already did, Pipes. You already did that when you left. I didn't. I should have said goodbye, too, but I didn't. And now I have the chance to do it."
"Alex..." Piper pleads, because she doesn't want Alex to say goodbye, and she almost laughs at the reality of all of it. What goes around really does come around.
"I have to, Pipes. I've been stuck in the past for so long, I just... I just want to be out of that place. I just want to start all over again. And I don't think... I don't think I can do that without doing this."
"I love you. I still do... so fucking much."
Piper hears Alex inhale sharply and she holds her breath, waiting for Alex to say that doesn't feel the same thing anymore, almost hopes that she does say it because it's going to make this a whole lot easier.
But when is it ever easy for both of them?
"I love you, too. And maybe in another life time, we'd finally work. But today... right now, it's time we finally let go." Piper feels everything crash into her all at once. And just when she thinks she's at the peak of the pain, Alex says the last words she's gonna hear her say in she doesn't know how long. "Goodbye, Piper."
Piper doesn't want to say it back. But the tables have turned now, and Alex gets to be the one who finally leaves. So thinking that maybe it's the least she could do, she says the words she never thought she's going to say again. "G-goodbye, Alex. Merry Christmas." There's nothing merry about this day, but Piper says it anyway.
"Merry Christmas, Pipes."
And then Piper hears nothing more except the soft hum of a Christmas song coming from outside her apartment, a soft reminder of what day it is when she finally loses Alex for good.