First story. Hope you will like it. I know Azmaria is out of character but when you suffer, you change. So, don't point it out 'cause I already know.
I don't own Chrono Crusade.
I own Azmaria's husband and Janete.
"Till the end"
It has been raining.
All this week and I should be annoyed about this but I'm not. It suits my mood. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed, all day, all night and for they ask me everyday to go with them and have a coffee – or some tea – the rain has been handy because no one wants to sit in a bar while it's pouring hard.
I guess this is my way to pretend I'm all right. Sitting by the window, looking at the cloudy sky in search for something and waiting.
I'm stubborn.
I know you won't be coming flying through the window, and then, coughing, smiling sheepishly – stirring your black wings – and standing up to apologize for being late. You will be asking how she is doing because that's all you ever talk about.
But my dream stops there.
I don't know how I can tell you. It worries me. Rosette has been dead for a week now. Everyone is mourning, me too. When you will have come back we will have to tell you what happened. I know you will cry. I suppose I will too. If your tears are all what I have to be concerned about, then, I won't have to be worrying.
But I know it won't be just that.
It never has.
Joshua enters but does not speak at once. He closes the door. Then, he approaches me, his eyes downcast and puffy red.
«We have to go», he says. His voice had been so quiet that I wonder if he really spoke or I dreamt it. By the way he's looking at me, I guess he really has.
«Where?»
He shrugs. He's fighting hard to hold back his tears. «Somewhere. Would you come with me?»
«Why?»
«I hate this place. Let's go somewhere else. We both need to have a walk».
I shiver. «And what if I don't want to? Beside, it's raining…»
«Are you scared of water, now?»
«And what are you scared, of, now, Joshua?» I snap back. I didn't mean to sound angry, but I can't hold back anymore. I let my sadness slip away in front of him.
«Do you think everything is going to be all right? Do you think he's going to come back? Well, he's not. Rosette is dead and he won't come. Never. He's dead too. Somewhere, he's dead too. And if he comes back, it'll be useless because Rosette is dead, right? Everything can't be all right anymore».
Joshua has paled down. His eyes glitter. He doesn't answer me for there's no need to and walks away. He slams the door shut.
His way to pretend to be all right is different and he has to make sure everyone notices his fake smile and his fake facade, just for the sake to look stronger for someone who's not alive anymore.
Now, sister Claire comes in. She seems worried. «Joshua was crying… what happened?»
«Nothing».
«Are you sure?»
I sense her apprehension. It's hard to face someone who doesn't want to cry. «I'm sure. He's probably upset. His sister has just died, after all».
«And… are you all right?»
«Why?»
«…what?»
«Why do you think I'm not?» The indifference is something I do not wish for but it always comes. And on the top of all, it scares people a lot.
«Are you sure to be all right? You never come down to eat, you always sit here…»
«So what? I like it».
She paused. «I know it's hard. I know it hurts when someone dies», she says. Sister Claire has probably gathered all of her guts to say this. «But try to go on. Rosette wouldn't have wanted this. Rosette would have walked on».
«And what do you know?» I reply. It's bitter. «Rosette is dead».
Rosette has been dead for ten years, now. I failed to sit back and wait. I know he won't come back and put up with it.
On the other hand, Joshua has not. He's still searching. Last week he was in San Francisco. He sounded distraught on the phone for he found nothing. I'm way too kind-hearted to tell him it's a waste of time but the more time slips away, the more he seems to understand it too. I won't be telling anything.
I'm married now and have a five-years old child.
Her name's Janete. A Portuguese name. She looks like her father but the eyes are taken after me. She doesn't know anything about my past and neither do my husband since I don't want them to be aware of what happened and let them be swallowed by that old threatening sorrow.
So, I have just to smile.
This new side of me is happy.
Everything else doesn't matter.
Twenty years ago Rosette had died.
My husband and my daughter were killed during the Second World War. Joshua is still searching though I'm going to call him and say he doesn't need anymore to. He came back in the morning.
I was listening to the radio. Then, I heard knocking. You see, it's hard to say how I felt when I saw him standing on my doorstep. I guess I was really surprised.
Because when I was younger I believed he would have come flying through the window on a rainy day and instead, he walked quietly through the door, without smiling sheepishly, without apologizing, without doing anything but stare at me with those cherry eyes of his full of regret and misery.
By the time I'd closed the door, I knew he had seen Rosette's grave.
«You're back», I said.
«I'm back», he repeated. His voice was sore.
We moved to sit down. He was not looking at me. I felt older sitting in front of him for he looked so young. But demons are like that. They don't age. I guess he was meant to live a sad life. He would have seen Rosette growing old and die. Loving a human being had been the worst turn of his long life: it would have been better if they had never met.
«Where have you been?» I said after a while.
He sighed. It sounded to me like a moan. «Away. I've been away. Far away from here».
«And now, you're late».
«Right».
«You're thirty years late, Chrono. Do you understand how much that is?»
«I know…»
«I don't think you do». I got angry for no reason. «Rosette waited. She waited and she died alone and sad. She waited for you only. Only you. And you didn't come back».
He repressed a sob. «I know. I'm sorry. She didn't deserve it… I'm- it's all my fault…»
«When have you returned?»
His voice was barely above a whisper when he replied. «Last week».
«And you went to the cemetery».
«No… I went to the convent… they told me Rosette was dead…»
«And why are you here, now?»
«What do you mean?»
«I mean why have you come to me of all people? I'm old, Chrono. I wanted to forget you. I want to forget how much it hurt. But you seem to not understand this».
He apologized again and went away. I didn't stop him. I really wanted to put my past aside and eventually forget everything and die in peace.
Until now, I've been staring out of the window. It's not raining. I'm again pretending to be all right and waiting for him to come back and say he knows I wasn't myself while saying that. If I go to the cemetery, I will probably find him crying opposite to Rosette's grave.
I stand up and reach for the phone.
Joshua answers after a while. «Yes?»
«It's Azmaria, Joshua».
«Oh…. Something's up? You sound tired…»
«Chrono's back».
And I practically see him paling down. He takes him a while to answer. «What?»
«He's back».
«W- Are you sure? When did he…?»
«Yes, I'm sure. I think he went to the cemetery».
«He knows…?»
«He knows, yes. If you want to see him, come back now. I don't think he's going to last much longer».
My coldness scares him and he replies in a strangled scream. «What do you mean by that? What have you done?»
«Nothing. Rosette is dead, Joshua. He doesn't have anything to live for anymore».
«What have you told him, Azmaria?»
«Me? Nothing. I don't care any more, Joshua»
His voices turns stern. «You changed», it's trying to sound angry. But he's just worried and we both know it. «You can't let him die».
«He let Rosette die».
«You're angry because of that?»
«I'm not angry. But I can't forget what happened».
«It's not his fault», he points out.
«I know. But I feel like it is».
«Chrono has been a good friend».
«I know».
«And why do you hate him?»
«I don't hate him. But he's in the past. I don't want to cry over him and suffer again. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of all that sadness.»
«Don't you feel alone?»
«What does that have to do with anything?»
«Because I do. And maybe Chrono can fill this emptiness of mine».
«Chrono loved Rosette. He loves Rosette. You know he can't live without her. I don't even understand why he came to me».
«I don't understand that either but the Azmaria I used to know wouldn't have let him die».
«The Azmaria you know died together with Rosette».
He's getting angry. «What the hell happened to you?»
«My husband and my daughter died ten years ago», he doesn't know. «I know, you weren't aware of that, right? I don't want to deal with my past again».
«I'm sorry…»
«Don't be», then, I sigh. «Listen, I'm going to the cemetery. But hurry to come back».
«Ah, thanks… but it'-»
«Hurry»
And I hang up. I don't think I'm going to hold Chrono back because Joshua wants to. It's partly my wish too. The anger has already faded away. Sister Claire's words are still ringing in my ears like an annoying timepiece:
Rosette wouldn't have wanted this.
And to tell the truth, she had been right. Because after all, I thought I could leave everything behind without feeling any regret or sorrow. I got the wrong impression of Rosette. She wasn't running away from the sadness but running straight towards it.
We are different.
I reach for my coat. It's been a cold spring. I just hope it's not too late because I don't want to do the same mistake he did.
I run.
He's still here. He's talking, moving his lips slowly and painfully, half twisted in a grief-stricken smile, in front of Rosette's grave. When I approach him, he seems stunned.
«What're you doing here?»
I'm out of breath and my back hurts. I don't let him know I'm exhausted. «Wait… we have… to wait for Joshua… He's coming back…»
He stares at me. Then, he smiles absent-mindedly. «Joshua's still alive…»
«Earlier, I didn't mean that», I say. «I was angry for the way Rosette died».
He glances at her grave. «You know, I knew I would have been late».
«So why…?»
He shrugs. «Don't know. I hoped. I hoped God would forgive me…»
«God's not real».
«When did you start to think like that?»
«A long ago. We believe because we're afraid, that's it. The world is sad and so, we need to believe in someone else, someone who can save us. And I know it's foolish».
He looks away. Here we are, talking about faith. It doesn't seem right. We have both to say lots of things but it's hard. I feel uncomfortable around him. Because after thirty years, it's like we're both strangers.
At some points, I notice tears sliding down his cheeks. He's shivering. When he speaks, his voice does not shake.
«Demons can't die. They're bound to live for eternity. We have only one way to die. Our horns. We have to destroy our horns. God must hate me a lot», he grins despite the fact that his lips are trembling. «Since mine were destroyed and I'm still alive».
I say nothing.
«Will you kill me, Azmaria?»
«I won't».
He laughs but it's like he's sobbing. «I knew that. I asked someone else too. A sister. She was going to but when I told her I'm Chrono, then, she didn't. Am I this pathetic…?»
«We have to come back».
«I want to die…» He finally breaks down. He sobs hysterically in his hands and all I do is watch and wait.
It's not the first time I've seen something like this.
We were younger.
He was fighting with Rosette over the briefness of her life and the need to find a way to end the contract. She used to call them 'his guilty-trips'. I was staring at them quite shocked because all she had done was to joke and he suddenly started to glared and yell at her.
It was the first I had seen him that angry. He was usually quiet, a smiling demon who talked softly and wouldn't dare to upset you.
«You know I suggested it!»
«But it's my fault, dammit! I could have said no! Now, because of me, you're going to die!»
«It's not like I'm going to die tomorrow».
«Still, I have to do something. I can't let you die this way. I don't-»
«Chrono, stop it. You're being melodramatic».
«And you're being stupid!» And he broke out crying.
Rosette was sighing. She hugged him and told him everything was going to be all right.
That is what you say when you have to soothe someone. But it's not true. It's utterly fake and he seemed to have understood for after she had said that, he cried even louder.
And now, I don't want to say that.
I let him cry. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone but the girl who has been buried under the grave in front of us. Her arms around him, her body beside his. He needs to be kissed.
They kissed once. Rosette was the one who told me about it. She said he whispered he loved her. And because she had been frozen in time, she couldn't reply back.
«Rosette loved you», I sigh. «She had loved you to the end».
«I killed her, I killed her», he repeats. «Like I killed Magdalene, I killed Rosette…»
«Chrono, let's go back home. We have to wait for Joshua».
He does what I ask him but he's shattered for good now.
There's no turning back.
«Will you kill me?»
«Stop asking that. I won't».
«It hurts».
«I know it hurts. I lost the one I loved too».
«Why?»
«You know why».
«Tell me why you don't want to, Azmaria».
«I already have told you».
«Tell me again…»
«Because I wanted too as well and if I kill you it's like saying I was right… and I was not».
«But I want to die».
«We rarely got to have what we want, Chrono, so, shut up already».
Joshua comes but it's already too late.
He says it's my fault. I know it is. I pitied him enough to let him do that. He didn't believe me when I told him it was wrong. I didn't believe it myself to begin with and I never had been good at lying.
«It's your fault», he whispers angrily.
I feel strangely at peace. I finally let go of my past. It's better this way. It's not true we have to cling at life all the time and go on. Sometimes, it's healthier to let go.
«I hate you».
But for him, there's no one anymore to see how good he has grown to be pretending he's all right. After all, I know he isn't. I've always been the one he can't tell stories to. He loved his sister in a way we might think as sick and when she died, all what was left was the living being she loved the most.
He obviously tried to find him.
«I hate you so much».
He lies on the ground. He looks like he's still alive. He's smiling. One hand is reaching for his dearest and the other rests on his chest. His cherry eyes are lifeless but sparkling with such happiness it's beautiful to look at.
Rosette's grave is covered in blood.
Chrono's blood.