AN - Hello everybody! This compendium below would not have been created without my inspiration from the great Lilly Orange. I also owe the HUGEST thank you to EllieBaby, for allowing me to use her character Rose Logan here and there. I urge you all to check out her story The Thin Line Between Love, Hate, and Womanly Pride. If you like the story, please tell me your favourite detention feat in a review? Enjoy!
Sirius Black's Compendium Of Detention-Worthy Feats, In The Form Of The Many, Many Sets Of Lines He was Forced To Write.
1 - I must not row naked in bathtub around the lake singing Muggle nursery rhymes to raise money for new brooms for the House Quidditch team.
2 - I must not curse the Giant Squid when he sinks the bathtub and I fall in, as this is a result of my own stupidity.
3 - I must not charm pink streamers to tie to the Whomping Willow with a non-shakeable charm on them.
4 - I must not turn the Hogwarts kitchen into an enormous mess while attempting to help Mr Potter, Mr Lupin, and Mr Pettigrew bake a birthday cake for Professor McGonagall, however thoughtful the gesture is.
5 - I must not dress the stone gargoyles that stand in front of the headmaster's office in pink tutu's and stage makeup.
6 - I must not charm the stone gargoyles to start dancing to the music of the Muggle ballet 'Swan Lake' when the headmaster appears to enter his office.
7 - I must not snog girls in broom cupboards.
8 - I must not hex the Slytherin prefects when they catch me snogging girls in broom cupboards.
9 - I must not transfigure the shower in the girl's dormitory bathroom so that it rains magical glitter instead of water, especially when the glitter gets stuck Rose Logan's hair for several weeks before finally washing out.
10 - I must not transfigure my arm into an arm of fire and put my hand up to answer a question.
11 - I must not charm one of the taps in the Prefects bathroom to pour out fish when the tap is turned on to fill the bathtub. Marcus Goldby did not appreciate the flood of trout in the bath, particularly as he did not turn the tap on till the end, when the bath was already full of water.
12 - I must not pick out all of the green Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans from several packets and put them in Lilly Evan's dinner plate when it is full of lima beans.
13 - I must not curse Severus Snape.
14 - I must not decorate the Divination Tower in large banners with smiley faces saying 'We're all going to die today!'
15 - I must not transfigure Mr Filch's cleaning supplies into bright pink paint that smears everywhere when it is cleaned up.
16 - I must not transfigure Professor Flitwick's shoes into a pair of 6ft stilts that he cannot take off his feet.
17 - I must not tape a firework into the inside of Mr Lupins hat, so that it shoots of his head like a rocket and explodes in sparkles, destroying Mr Lupins hat. Particularly not in class.
18 - I must not cast Silencing Charms on my fellow classmates. It is very rude of me, and is only showing off.
19 - I must not obtain dog poo from unknown sources and hide it in Severus Snape's bed.
20 - On Valentine's Day, I absolutely must not jump of the North Tower with a parachute, pelting sweets at people who are snogging all over the courtyard and yelling the Amazon war cry at the top of my lungs. However much I am cheered on by my friends and all the single students.
21 - I must not dance topless on top of a table in class as a birthday performance for Emmeline, however much she enjoys it.
22 - I must not snog Emmeline in class.
23 - I must not hold a Muggle cricket match in the length of the Great Hall, showing other students how the great game is played. Even if the Headmaster shows us all how to bowl properly.
24 - When I break a window during a game of cricket, I must fix it immediately.
25 - I must not charm all the roast birds at dinner to fly up in the air in front of Professor Dumbledore and warble "Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye, 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in pie. When the pie was opened the birds began to sing, wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?", however amusing the Headmaster finds it.
26 - I must not Stun Severus Snape and tie him to a cross I fashioned in the Great Hall, it is a distasteful and cruel representation of Muggle religion, and cruel to Severus Snape.
27 - I must not keep a female house-elf (or any house-elf) as a personal servant, no matter how willing they are to serve me.
28 - I must not stun Severus Snape, roll him in glue, empty containers of glitter all over him, and hang him from the ceiling to use as a disco ball.
29 - I must not steal all underwear from the laundry, hang it on the corridor halls, and spell it so only it's owner may remove it.
30 - I must not give Peeves a box of acidic fireworks as a birthday present for him to use at his disposal.
31 - I must not tie Lilly Evans up, take her wand away and leave her sitting on James Potter's bed as a gift for him.
32 - I must not invite girls to the lake for a bikini party, where there will be 'surprise entertainment'.
33 - I must not transfigure myself into a dolphin, and spend all day showing off aerial tricks in the lake when people do not know it is me.
34 - I must apologise for worrying people when I fall asleep in the lake in dolphin form after my hard day of showing off and people did not know where I was, and panicked.
35 - I must not attach a harness to the chandelier in the entrance hall and attempt to swing from staircase to staircase like Tarzan.
36 - I must not transfigure Severus Snape's excellent potions into hot soapy water, and give him a bottle of shampoo in class.
37 - I must not discriminate, insult, or change other people's features even when I dislike them as this is very rude. In short, I am not allowed to vanish Severus Snape's hair, however greasy it is.
38 - When I am given lines for detention, I must write what I am told to write.
39 - I must not tell the house elves Rose Logan has developed a severe allergy to all foods, and can only eat loganberries. She did not find being served nothing but loganberries all day amusing.
40 - I must not cover myself in fake blood and run screaming through the Great Hall at breakfast, "SAVE YOURSELVES, THE MONSTER OF SLYTHERIN HAS REAPPEARED!", however amusing I may find it.
41 - I must not intentionally scare first-year students.
42 - I must not race down the staircases in rollerblades with Mr Potter, as this is very dangerous to other students, as known from the 18 people that ended up in the hospital wing.
43 - I must not charm my broom so that it shoots glitter out the end when other team members fly behind me in Quidditch matches.
44 - I must not sing "Walk Like An Egyptian" with accompanying dance routine in History of Magic class.
45 - I must not break up with girls in the courtyard, over loudspeaker, with everyone listening, when they think they are my girlfriend, and I think they are not. I must do it privately, and with tact, if possible.
46 - I must not charm Mr Potter, and Mr Potter may not charm me with the helium spell to last 12 hours. We sound ridiculous, and it gives our teachers a headache, particularly as we were laughing so hard.
47 - I must not give James Potter a live, fully grown boar as a Christmas present, even if he at the present moment does wish to raise pigs.
48 - I must not attempt under any circumstances to catch one of the baby merfolk in the lake and keep it for a pet, I must realise that they are Ministry protected beings, and that it would be considered a Sirius offence if I were to catch one.
49 - I must not enlarge Lilly Evan's stomach at the end of the Christmas holidays as she comes back to Hogwarts, and tell everyone that she and James are expecting a baby before the school year finishes. I deserved the punching hex that Miss Evans gave me.
50 - I must not transfigure Avery Lestrange into a rock, and throw him out of a closed window, even if I did fix the then-broken window.
51 - I must not steal all of Rose Logan's clothes and leave them in a bag dangling out the window all night, as the temperature each night is below freezing. I must have respect for my fellow Gryffindors ears, who suffered along with Rose the next morning, when I snuck her clothes back to her room and she began to put them on.
52 - I must not transfigure Dolores Umbridge's cat so that it turns into a tiger. Even if we dislike each other, transfiguring other people's pets will not endear them to me.
53 - I must not scatter catnip all through students bags, classrooms, and dormitories for Miss Umbridges's now-turned-tiger-cat. Several first-years thought they were going to be eaten for the catnip in their bags.
54 - I must not encourage students to ice-skate with me on the lake before determining wether the ice is thick enough to skate on, which as we discovered and caught hypothermia from, was not.
55 - I must not attempt to bungee jump through the quadrangle of staircases with James Potter, even if I am told to by Lilly Evans and Rose Logan. I must take it for the rhetorical statement it is. (Or wasn't, in that case.)
56 - I must not encourage the House Elves to start a kitchen band, and then somehow persuade them to follow me through the halls, crashing on saucepans and singing "Heigh Ho" from the Muggle film 'Snow White'.
57 - I must not give slip Severus Snape the Gender Change Appearance potion so that he turns into a girl for 24 hours. It caused much confusion among teachers and students alike.
58 - I must not try to get Severus Snape to be expelled after I wake up to find myself dangling by both feet tied to a rope out the dormitory window. I must accept that I deserved this after turning Severus into a girl for 24 hours.
59 - I must not pass notes about Lilly Evans and Rose Logan in Transfiguration. I must learn to control my hormones, as must James Potter.
60 - I must not tell the Fat Lady that the portrait of French wine on the third floor is actually weight loss potion, and that if she drinks all of it, it may work for the purpose it was created for.
61 - I must not attempt to start a brewery in the Room of Requirement, particularly if I am attempting to brew Firewhisky. It will explode.
62 - I must not stare at Rose Logan's head all through Transfiguration and not do any work. If I am so taken with her, I should offer to help her with work outside of class.
63 - I must not throw every textbook and piece of parchment out the common room window, while singing 'I believe I'm alive'.
64 - I must not attempt to shove Severus Snape out the North Tower window for insulting Rose Logan.
65 - I must not start a carrot war in the Great Hall while dinner is on, particularly if it ends up being an all-types-of-food war.
66 - When told to go see the Headmaster for fooling around in class, I must not skip down the corridor singing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"
67 - I must not stalk after Rose Logan when she is trying to run away from me, and ignore the Head Boy when he yells at me and tells me to stop, even if I never saw or heard him.
68 - I must not kiss Rose Logan in the corridors.
69 - I must not lock Peter Pettigrew and a random girl in a closet together. I absolutely must check that the girl is not a first-year, and actually does know Peter before shoving them anywhere.
70 - I must not hex Titia Benson, however upset she makes my girlfriend, Rose Logan.
71 - I must not disrupt exam preparations in the common room by doing a striptease to my underwear, and dancing around the room, even if there are only 7th years there.
72 - I must not transfigure Titia Benson into a cow, and Severus Snape into a bull, and levitate them over the lake before dropping them in.
73 - I must not throw ink at first-year students for talking while I sit in the common room studying. They are allowed to talk quietly, and I can always go to the library.
74 - I must not put on a wig, set that wig on fire, turn it green, and run through the library screaming "I AM HADES! EVERYONE BOW BEFORE ME!" This will only see me banned from the library, which is what happened after everyone recovered from the shock I gave them.
75 - I must not enchant live faeries to appear out of all 7th years eggs at breakfast, as a 'surprise' to break the tension before exams. Thoughtful as this may be, the faerie dust that curdled the eggs gave everyone food poisoning.
76 - I must not initiate, partake in, or help with students attempting to create illicit mixtures to make them smarter. Particularly when all I did was cause the potion to blow up in Gilderoy Lockhart's face.
77 - I must not steal Professor McGonagall's ginger newt biscuits, transfigure them to actual newts, and set them loose in the girls dormitories.
78 - I must not vanish Rose's tights to show off her legs.
79 - I must not put a soapbox beneath the headmaster's podium, and attach it to the floor with a permanent sticking charm, however amusing he finds it.
80 - I must not give Peeves an enormous butterfly net, even on the condition he may only use it on Slytherins.
81 - I must not sneak into the library when I have been banned to passionately snog Rose on top of a table.
82 - I must not call Madame Pince an old hag when she catches me passionately snogging Rose into the table, and chases me out of the library.
83 - I must not use the silencing charm on James Potter every time a teacher asks him a question, so he sits there opening and shutting his mouth like a goldfish.
84 - I must not transfigure Peter Pettigrew into a plant when he looks unwell, then place him in the middle of the breakfast table and do a rain dance on top of it, waving my arms and yelling "PHOTOSYNTHESIZE, PETER!"
85 - I must not hit bludgers towards Severus Snape on purpose.
86 - I must not transfigure Gilderoy Lockhart's oversize canary into a fat, golden goldfish, and try to feed him to the giant squid as a snack.
87 - I must not attempt to help Hagrid keep baby Salamanders warm by casting a charm on him so that he can breathe fire. The particular charm I used is now illegal, and the school pumpkins are now a lovely pile of ash for the babies to live in.
88 - I must not handcuff James Potter to Lilly Evans when they fall asleep together on the common room couch, leaving them rhyming clues as to where I hid the key.
89 - I must not hide the key inside the giant squids belly, by feeding it to him baked inside a cupcake. I should not feed the giant squid cupcakes anyway, the icing makes him sick.
90 - I must not whack Remus Lupin over the head with a gardening shovel when he says no to Emmeline Vance when she asks him out.
91 - I must not conspire with Emmeline Vance about how to make Remus go out with her, the end result being to feed him a love potion that worked, until it wore off an hour into their date. I must use more positive methods of encouragement than just enchanting someone against their will.
92 - I must not pour bright pink food colouring into the Hogwarts shower systems, so the water turns bright pink. It stains people's skin, including my own, and we all look ridiculous. (I did not realise it stained skin.)
93 - I must not disrupt examinations by singing 'Sexy Bitch' by Akon, while dancing in front of Lilly Evans and Rose Logan.
94 - I must not spend all night making the house elves help James Potter and I chisel a marble statue of ourselves, Mr Pettigrew, and Mr Lupin.
95 - I must not put the statue in the center of the courtyard, as a memento to Hogwarts and it's students, in memory of the Marauders.
96 - I must not create a chain of rowboats and lead the students in a paddle around the lake, singing "Row, row, row your boat" at the tops of our voices. It annoyed the giant squid, as we found out when he crashed his tentacles through the chain and half the boats sank, meaning the other half had to rescue them and speed for shore.
97 - I must not paint a picture of myself and hang it next to Sir Cadogan's portrait, so he will always have someone to spar with, even if I am only holding a carrot to duel him with.
98 - I must not get the house-elves to help me empty huge buckets of soapy water all over the tarpaulin-ed staircases to create a suitable waterslide. Although many students had fun, Dolores Umbridge broke both legs when she was accidently pushed down and was left at the bottom for several hours and no-one noticed.
99 - I must not encourage younger students in their pranks as I get ready to depart Hogwarts for the real world, where I will need to use my deeply-buried maturity.
100 - I must not climb on top of Professor Dumbledore's soapbox (which I MUST remove) in the middle of the leaving feast, proclaim my passionate love for Rose Logan at the top of my voice, and ask her to marry me. Even if she does say yes.
Please oh please oh please review? I haven't gotten a single review at all yet!