Disclaimer: I own no part of New Moon or any of Mrs. Meyer's characters or plots.
I was walking to my demise, my death. The only thing that made life worth living was walking beside me, and I was about to push her, my life source, my only warmth, away from me. Half me wanted her not to believe what I was going to have to say. She would never believe me. All the times she told me she loved me, and I confessed the depths of my cold, dead heart to her. I loved her. Oh, how I loved her. The very stir of her soft hair caused my throat to clench and breathing to catch. Her pale, smooth skin was so translucent that I could see her sweet blood pumping through her veins. And her smell… ah, it was intoxicating. Just to be around her made my head light with pleasure. She, this frail human girl, ruled me. I felt like some strange pull to her, like the moon's attraction to Earth. It could never go far from it. Her scent was engraved in my memory forever. She made me whole and human again. And I loved her! This thing I was about to do disgusted me to my core.
I could hear my family's thoughts echoing in my head, and I lingered on them momentarily. Their last words before they left Forks.
Rosalie had given me on cold smirk before throwing bags into her red convertible and waiting for Emmett to get in.
Emmett's thoughts were apologetic and worried about me. Edward, you don't have to do this. We can stay. Jasper will learn. He'll get better. Alice doesn't see him hurting her. She knows you'll protect her till the end. But, Brother, if this is your decision, I'll go. "I'm gonna miss that little trouble magnet." I saw him going over all his memories of Bella. Her fallings, her laughs at his jokes, and our, mine and hers, little looks at each other. It was really the first time I had paid attention to the both of us standing side by side. She was painfully beautiful, and that look in her gorgeous brown eyes was love. Nothing less.
No! I mentally shouted at myself. It was merely, it had to be merely, infatuation. She should, she had to, get over it. Just as I did.
Emmett gave me one big, somewhat sad, smile before wrapping me in a big bear hug. He gave it one last shot. Can't I just say 'bye'?
"No," I growled. "I'm not making this any harder on her." He threw a few more bags in the car, and I watched as Rose peeled out of the driveway.
Jasper was already gone, and Alice was only here because she really wanted to say goodbye to Bella. Edward, she thought, please, can't I just goodbye? It'll make me feel better, she pleaded. Do you know what will happen to her? Don't leave. It'll kill her. I growled menacingly at her choice of words.
"I will not let her stay in the company of seven vampires that could kill her!" I roared. Alice took a tiny step back. She wasn't quite used to my yelling at her, but did she have any idea of what pain it was causing me to say these things? But Alice didn't need to know that I was dying too. Or perhaps she could already see I was more lifeless than I head been before. Bella had. "We're leaving, and she's staying," I said much more softly.
Alice wasn't one to give up easily. But, look at what will happen. She'll be nothing if you leave. Her mind was about to flash me images of what she'd seen, but I shut them down instantly. I didn't want to see Bella after we left. Can't I just say goodbye? she pleaded. She was almost as hurt by this as I was about to be.
"NO! A clean break will help her heal easier."
"A 'clean break,' Edward? So she can 'heal'? You're leaving her. She loves you, Edward. LOVES!" she shouted the last word at me just as I had shouted no at her. It made me flinch, and I opened my mouth to speak, but she started up again, short hair flying around her face while her eyes flashed dangerously. And even though she is a lot smaller than Emmett, I was more scared of her now than I had ever been of my big bear of a brother. "All those times you've told her you loved her! She believes it! She knows it's true! You do, too! Bella cannot fathom a world without you now. You are her world! And you're just going to rip her life away from her? Edward, you'll kill her. She can barely last a weekend when you're gone hunting. I've seen it in her face. She loves you more than anything else, and I know you do, too. Edward! Look at me!" I had turned away when she had started. I didn't want to hear about how Bella loved me, and I loved her. It made what I was going to do so much harder.
When I didn't turn, she moved around so she was in my field of vision. "Edward…" her voice was much softer now, "we can work through this. Jasper gets better everyday. It just… startled him. You know he's really sorry."
"It wasn't his fault." I sighed as memories of Bella flashed, tauntingly, before my eyes. When I first heard her whisper my name in her sleep. Bella walking beside me, her laughter making her glow. Staring down at me in the meadow like my own personal angel as she ran her finger up my arm. When I kissed her for the first time. How cool she was when she met my whole family of vampires. When she cuddled up next to me and her warmth was the greatest thing in the world.
But then came the visions I hated.
Bella looking frightened as I dashed around the meadow and broke the tree. Bella lying there on the dance room floor, blood pouring from her head, and that terror that had flashed through me with the knowledge that he had bitten her. she had writhed and screamed for me. I had watched the terrible pain play over her face. Then she was lying in the hospital room with her leg and some ribs broken. I traced a cool finger over that much cooler crescent moon scar on her wrist. All the while I had been silently beating myself for letting her out of my sight. And then, so recently, Bella lying with shock frozen on her face and blood pumping out of her arm. I had stood in front of her, snarling menacingly as my brother was jumping forward with animal
in his eyes. I wasn't breathing. If I got more than enough of that sweet drug in my head, my strength would break. Bella had all those close encounters because of me. Because of what I am. It was safer for her if I left.
"Edward. Those good memories outweigh those bad, unlucky, chance encounters. It'll kill her."
"Alice!" I hissed at her. She flinched by the iciness in my tone. I didn't usually be so rough to her. the look she first gave me was unnaturally stern and unrelenting. But then it softened, and she looked at me with pity and love.
"I'm sorry, Edward." I nodded as she came forward and wrapped her small arms around my waist. If she could have cried, I'm sure there would have been tears. And she was gone.
Carlisle, for once, didn't look exactly sure what to say. Edward, you'll so what's best. I know you. I raised you. Be gentle with her. She still has a heart to break. "We'll see you soon, Edward." I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, let her go quickly but sweetly. You don't want her last memory of you to be like a splinter that wouldn't come out. Do be careful, Edward. "We love you. Be safe, darling." I shuddered at the words. They were the same ones I had left in Bella's truck. That first real notion that I loved her. Carlisle gave me a hug, and Esme planted a kiss on my forehead. And then they were all gone. Only I was left… to say goodbye.
Bella breathed out heavily again, and her sweet fragrance brought me back to the painful present. I finally stopped walking in the words. Bella looked up at me. I could see something in her eyes that me think she suspected something. But there was another part that I couldn't read at all. It was blank and expressionless. For the millionth time, I wished I could read her mind. To know what she was thinking or was going to would have, however, made all this much more difficult. It was probably one of the only reasons I could do this now. Finally I took a deep breath, and Bella's sweet, innocent brown eyes, so full of depth, snapped to my face. My breath caught at the exhale. I was about to die.
I had died once, true, but that had been before Bella. Now, I had a reason for life and was about to shove it away.
Okay, so this is the beginning of this rather short scene, but I felt like writing it one night. So here it is. If I can get at least 5 reviews, flames or not, I'll upload the next bit. And, if you review I'll put your name in the thanks on the next chapter. REVIEW PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! How 'bout a cyper cookie? Yes, I do bribe...