Rated PG-13 May contain spoilers
Disclaimer: I own nothing except a desire to save SV Lois.
So there won't be any confusion. These are the Players:
NNLois is Noel Neill's Lois Lane in the Adventures of Superman television series
MKLois is Margot Kidder's Lois Lane in the Superman movies
THLois is Terri Hatcher's Lois Lane in the New Adventures of Lois and Clark tv series
EDLois is Erica Durance's Lois Lane in the Smallville tv series
TWClark is Tom Welling's Clark Kent in the Smallville tv series
It was a midseason night, not like any other. The whole season had been a nightmare so far. EDLois sat in her Talon apartment, inconveniently located three hours from the Daily Planet, glancing at her watch. The fireplace crackled brightly with flames as ED made another check around the room for sleeping arrangements.
The knock at the door relieved her jitters as she twisted the door knob. "Hello!"
"Here, kid, help me with this overnight bag," said NNLois as she walked into the room. "Those steps are killer!"
"Sorry, but this is what they gave me," said ED while she strained to lift the medium sized bag. "Did you bring gold bouillon?"
"It's gotta be the makeup case," said the older Lois. "That thing gets heavier every year. Or it could be that aerodynamic bra that Howard Hughes designed, I haven't quite figured it out yet."
"Well, sit by the fire. You're first as usual," smiled ED as she shoved NN's bag out of the way. "Can I get you anything to drink?"
"How about a highball?"
"Coming right up!" said the younger Lois as her ponytail bounced behind her.
NNLois sat on ED's couch admiring the fire. "Y'know when you first called and said you were having a slumber party, I thought it was a ridiculous idea. But you sounded so desperate on the phone . . ."
ED handed her the freshly made drink as she went to answer the pounding at the door. "Hold that thought . . ."
When she opened the door, there stood MKLois and THLois with large Talon coffee-to-go cups in hand. "I'm so glad you could make it!"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" said MK.
"You're able to say that. It quite spinning in the right direction because of you," laughed TH.
"Why does everyone bring that up?"
"Because," began NN crossing the room towards them. "It showed how much Clark loves you."
All the Lois' looked at one another and grinned except for one. ED just shrugged her shoulders and took the suitcases from MK and TH. "Why don't you all have a seat."
"ED, I'm sorry . . ." started MK as she sat in a chair.
"It's not your fault. Clark and I aren't allowed to . . . y'know," said EDLois as she sat with NNLois on the couch.
"It's a crime! That's what it is," shouted TH.
"It's ridiculous," nodded NN sipping her highball. "What is Clark Kent without Lois Lane?"
"Boring!" said MK as she winked at ED. "You wouldn't know he was alive if a Lois wasn't around."
"Well, to be fair. Clark isn't allowed to be . . . ." ED made a zooming motion with her hand. "And they made him walk away from the cape. . . " She tried to sniff back the tears, but the onslaught of emotion was gaining ground. "Maybe we could talk about this later. Why don't we all get comfortable?"
"Couldn't agree more," said TH as she went to the phone. "This sounds like something to discuss over junk food. Who do you call for pizza in this burg?"
"Their menu is next to the phone," said ED as she watched her fellow Lois' begin to unlock their baggage. "Can I get anyone anything while we're changing?"
"We'll have what you're having," said MK emphatically as she pulled out a light blue sheer night gown. "Make it strong. Something tells me you're going to need it!"
"Tequilla?"
"Sounds good to me," said TH as she tossed a man's white shirt over her shoulder. She saw EDLois looking at it curiously. "Clark insisted. He said he wanted to be close to me tonight."
ED gave her a warm grin. "You're very lucky," she said softly as she went into her bedroom closet and pulled out the red and yellow plaid flannel shirt she had confiscated from "Smallville."
The pizza arrived in record time as the ladies awaited NN to appear from the bathroom.
"Hurray up, NN! I'm famished," said TH as she opened the pizza box.
NN appeared into view and the three other Lois' stopped in mid-movement.
"They sure knew how to dress after the war," said MK admiring the deep purple negligee complete with matching feathered heels.
"Hubba, hubba," said TH pouring tequilla shots.
"Does your Clark know you packed that?" asked EDLois with a raised eyebrow.
"It's his favorite," said NN as she walked like a statuesque model across the floor. "Which reminds me, I better give him a call." She grabbed ED's phone and began to dial.
TH and MK looked at each other and dragged out their cell phones. "We'll just be a minute."
ED grabbed NN's empty glass and went to fix her another highball. As the ice cubes clinked, the room was filled with soft murmurs and an occasional giggle. NN leaned against the wall looking like a movie siren as she spoke lovingly into the phone. "No, she hasn't told us yet, but I'm sure it's worse than we suspected. You know how these things can be, Clark. Yes, I'll give her your love."
EDLois turned her head and gulped back a sob. She had no Clark to call her own. She sliced the limes and lemons while tears burned her eyes.
When she returned to the living room, everyone was off the phone and passing slices of pizza.
MKLois took a quick drink and slammed her shot glass on the coffee table. "Okay, let's have it! What have they been up to? Are you even on screen this season?"
EDLois sniffed back a tear and tried to gain some composure. "Sorry, I'm acting like a baby."
"Bullshit!" said NN as she tipped her glass to take a drink. "Lois Lane never acts like a baby."
"That chin quivering is for Lana to do, not a Lois," grinned MK as TH smacked her arm.
"Well, I hate to cry, but it's just getting to be . . . "
"Let it all out, girl," said THLois as she refilled her shot glass. "That's why we're here."
"Okay. Okay!" said ED as she rose from her seat and began to pace. "It's just so unfair! I'm Lois Lane for heaven's sake! Not the nurse in Romeo and Juliet!"
She saw the twinkle in MK's eye as she started to get her mad on.
"That's right. You're not!"
"I am Lois freakin Lane. I am strong. I am woman!" said ED as she paced faster.
"Hear us roar!" said the other three.
"Yea. Hear me roar. I mean I don't take second fiddle to ANY woman. Not Wonder Woman, not Maxima, not Lori Lemaris, certainly not my own freakin cousin and definitely not . . . LANA LANG!!!"
"Preach it, girl," said NN as she raised her glass to her.
EDLois took a deep breath. "But that's not entirely true on SMALLVILLE. I play second fiddle to everyone . . . and in some ways, so does Clark."
MK shook her head into a shudder. "That's just too bizarre for words."
"No, that was episode one of this season," said ED as she tossed another shot down her throat and tore into a lime slice.
"What?" asked TH as she chomped into a slice of pizza.
"Bizarro was the name of the first episode," said ED as she popped a piece of pepperoni into her mouth.
"Not the real Bizarro?" asked MK sucking on a lemon.
"No, it's SV. None of the iconic mythology happens as it should. Of course, I didn't know he was Bizarro when he grabbed my ass."
"He what?" choked NN as TH patted her back.
"Oooo, girl, he sounds way more fun than boring Clark," said MK. "You should have gotten you some of that."
EDLois shook her head. "Lana did."
"What?" said the other three.
"Maybe I should start from the beginning," said ED as she took another hit of tequilla.
"You still keep the Stoli in the freezer?" asked TH as she headed for the kitchen. "I think we're going to need it."
"Do you have extra shots?" asked MK as she went to help TH.
"Oh, we're not going to do that whole throwing thing, are we?" moaned ED watching them grin like mischievous school girls.
"Of course!" said TH haughtily. She brought back the icy bottle as MK followed with a small box of shot glasses.
All the women stood as TH poured the vodka into the glasses. MK handed them out as NN made a face.
"The Cold War is over," said THLois as they all raised their glasses.
"Well, let's do the short version otherwise we'll be here til next Tuesday!" said EDLois. "Za Vas!"
"Za Vas!" said the others as they poured the cold liquor down their throats and then threw the glasses into the fire.
"You have to admit. That feels pretty good," said MK conspiratorially as she nudged ED.
"Yea, okay," said the youngest Lois. "Good idea!"
"Everyone sit so she can start," said NN as she took her place on the couch.
All eyes were on EDLois and she began to fidget from the attention. "Well, I had an eight inch knife stuck in my gut and . . ."
"And Clark heard your heartbeat fade and came and saved you," said TH excitedly.
ED rolled her eyes. "No such luck. My cousin cried on me."
MK shook her head and sucked on another lemon slice while NN flipped her sandal on and off her foot.
"But there was a scene where I'm trying to calm this child and we're stuck in this decimated dam. Suddenly the wall cracks open and in walks Clark with all this light around him," sighed ED. "It made my heart skip a beat."
"And your eyes met and . . . " interjected TH.
ED shook her head. "It lasted a millisecond. He made some lame excuse about the wall not being stable and then we had to deal with my cousin's supposed dead body."
"So he supersped you to the hospital," added MK encouragingly.
"Nope. I'm not supposed to witness his powers, so I don't know how the hell we got to the hospital with my cousin's body and destroyed infrastructure. One good thing. They didn't knock me out for that one," said ED as she took another shot of Stoli and threw the glass into the fire.
"How many times have you been knocked out this season?" asked NN nervously.
"Lots! Sometimes twice in an episode."
"Totally unimaginative writing," sneered NN. "In my day, they weren't so abusive towards Lois."
"Tell me about it," said ED. "Anyway at the hospital, I said the strangest thing to Clark after I flashed him. I told him I didn't want to have another heart to heart about Lana. Which is really weird because I haven't talked to him about Lana since . . . Season 5?"
"You flashed Clark? Did he go into that zombie mode of his?" asked MK.
"Yea," nodded ED.
"Why would you say that if it had been two years?" said TH picking off a string of cheese from her plate.
ED shrugged as she took a bite of pizza.
"So you've been communicating somewhere, sometime, but it's not on screen?" asked MK.
"It would seem so," said ED. "There's more about that later. So Bizarro grabs my ass after coming onto me as Clark. I make a few comments about him acting strangely, because he was! And then I get to hug Clark at the end and tell him how sorry I am that Lana has died."
"She died?" said TH excitedly.
"No, not really. She placed an unalive clone in the car to blow up while she escaped to China," said EDLois as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
"Yeaaa, and an unalive clone would be what?" asked MK grabbing her temples.
"Dead protoplasm?" pondered NN.
"A failure," said TH. "The whole clone thing gives me the willies. Talk about not learning from other people's past mistakes!"
"What does this "Lana" look like?" asked NN.
"Does she look like mine?" asked MK taking a bite of pizza.
"No, actually Clark's mom looks like your Lana," said ED. "I think there's a picture of Lana somewhere with my cousin. Mrs. Kent left the show last season." She got up and headed towards the other side of the room.
"That's sucks. I loved Mrs. K!" Turning to MK, TH whispered. "That's just creepy his mom looking like your Lana. It's kind of Oedipal, don't you think?"
"Here it is," said the youngest Lois as she handed the picture to NN.
"Which one is she?"
"The blonde is my cousin," said ED.
"Oh. This. Lana. She's not very tall, is she?" scowled NN passing the photo to MK.
"She doesn't even have red hair!" said MK handing it over to TH.
"She's got no . . .," said TH as she sat up straight and stuck out her chest. "How tall is your Clark again?"
"He's a little over six-two," said ED as she took the picture back and dangled it at her side.
"Ahhh, perfect Clark height," said MK grinning from ear to ear.
"Their scenes must be hysterical. The logistics alone!" giggled TH.
EDLois scrunched up her face. "No Comment."
"So when did the not-dead Lana show up this season," asked NNLois as if trying to spare her any more embarrassment.
"She showed up at the barn in episode three," said ED. "In the second episode, we found Clark's cousin's space ship and I got knocked out twice. Clark showed some concern, but I think it was more about me not finding out his secret. Except maybe the second time when I messed with the ship again and he covered my body with his so I wouldn't get hurt. That was a long shot and only lasted a micromillisecond."
"Whoa! Back up!" said MK looking majorly frazzled. "Kara is on the show now?"
"Yea," said ED nodding. "And Green Arrow and Black Canary. Oh, and Brainiac, And some evil immortal that looked remarkably like TH's Clark."
"That's a lot of characters vying for screen time," whistled MK. "Not including the regulars and semi-regulars."
"So this immortal guy. Did you get to kiss him?" asked TH leering at her.
"I wasn't in that episode," said ED.
"That doesn't seem right," pouted TH.
"I wouldn't worry about anyone getting screen time because NOOO one gets as much screen time as Lana. Not even Clark. The world revolves around her. Even Lex only got one more minute than I did in an episode and I only had four in that one."
"Something has to be done about this!" said NN standing to her feet. "You are LOIS LANE! Don't they realize what that means?"
"Well the sad thing is . . . they do," said MK as she nudged TH.
"We've been doing a little research and apparently the creators of the show wrote a potential Lois Lane series that completely ignored Clark Kent," informed TH. "That's how they got picked to create this Smallville."
"And I'm on a series about Clark Kent that totally ignores Lois Lane. I am freakin doomed!" said EDLois as she put her head into her hands.
NN rushed to her side. "Now, now. What's the first Lois rule?"
ED sat up straight and brushed away her tears. "Lois never gives up!"
"Right, and we're not going to start now. This isn't like you letting Lana get you down. So tell us. What is really bothering you?" asked NN rubbing her back.
"You hit on it before. Clark. He's been seeing me in some subtext off screen while Lana has been living at the farm."
"Real-ly," said MK slyly. "Do tell."
"Well, apparently he offered to fix my satellite dish."
"Is THAT what they're calling it these days?" grinned TH.
"I wish," said ED. "It's just hugs this season."
"Hugs?" said NN. "I thought you kissed last year?"
"Yea, there was quite a lot of smackage last season, but none this year."
"That's depressing," said TH. "And it's our anniversary year, too. That just doesn't make sense to me."
"Seventy years is a long time for a couple who's still in a viable relationship. Look at Romeo and Juliet – dead. But not Clark and Lois! We keep on going and going and going . . . "
"Not on Smallville, we don't," said EDLois sounding a bit bitter. "Well, at least not on screen."
"So about this off screen action," asked NN. "Did he fix your satellite dish?"
"Beats me. He's supposed to be afraid of heights. And he's been trying to fix that damn green tractor for . . . since I've known him," said ED rolling her eyes. "The only kissing I got this season was from Lex's cloned brother, who was my boss. He got gunned down a few episodes back."
MK looked at the rest of the women around her. "More Stoli." The women rose, took their glasses, gulped the icy alcohol and hurled the shots into the fire. "Za Vas!"
"You probably should have called us sooner," said THLois as they all sat. "This is just too much for one Lois to bear!"
"It's almost as if they hate Lois," said NN swirling the tiny ice cubes in her high ball.
"That's a possibility," said EDLois. "In the episode called Action, y'know, named after the source material. They insulted the fans and Lana got superpowers. So, of course, she and Clark had to have sex again. . . ."
MK grabbed her stomach and put her face into a couch cushion. "NOOOOOO!!!"
THLois stood and pointed a finger at no one in particular. "THAT IS JUST WRONG! It was bad enough the first time, but to repeat that . . . that . . . it demoralizes Clark in the worst way!!!"
"And her marital status was a little vague then," said ED biting down on a pizza crust.
"What?!" screeched NNLois as slammed down her highball on the table.
"Well, she didn't go to Reno or some other God forsaken place for a quickie divorce – and I don't care how rich Lex Luthor is – no one gets their divorce resolved that quickly even if it is uncontested," said the youngest Lois as she laid slack in her chair. "Plus she stole ten million dollars from him and he let her get away with it."
MK tossed the cushion into the air. "Unbelievable!"
"I've watched better soap operas in my day and some of them were called train wrecks," said THLois as she downed another shot of Stoli.
"And that's not the half of it," said ED through tear filled eyes. "I'm thinking of quitting."
"WHAT??" screamed the others.
"Explain yourself, ED," said NNLois angrily.
"I wasn't supposed to be on the show for this long. Originally I was only supposed to be in four episodes. People still complain that I shouldn't be in Smallville. And it's really Lana's show. If it did have a second title, it would be 'the Anyone But Lois Show' as far as a woman in a relationship with Clark goes."
"But, honey, you can't quit! You're Lois Lane! There's people who watch the show for you and the relationship you'll have with Clark," said MKLois trying to reassure her.
"That's just it! I feel like I'm doing those people a disservice. I'm the dangling carrot. They're never going to let Clark start to have feelings for me. They're never going to give us enough screen time together to show a deep friendship. Hell, people are talking about having Lori Lemaris show up!" She slouched in her chair looking defeated.
The silence in the apartment was unbearable for the Lois'. It was these uncomfortable silences that made them squirm.
"But you can't quit," said THLois. "You'd be breaking the Lois Number One Rule!"
"Then what am I supposed to do?" she begged. "Keep being grateful for four minutes every other episode? On a show that most of the outside world thinks that Clark and I are a couple? He barely gives me the time of day most of the time, except when some other super hero is in town, then he's all concern and banter and then goes home to suck up to Lana like a whiney bitch."
"OUCH!" said MK. "I don't know that I'd put up with that either. Well, now that I think about it. I didn't. Didn't see much of me in Superman 3, did ya?"
"The worst part is. I think I'm letting you all down. I'm the only Lois Lane truly without a Clark Kent. I don't think any other Lois can make that claim, not even in the source material."
The three older Lois' gathered around her and gave her a hug. "Shhh, it'll be all right. Your Clark will make it better."
"But that's just it. I don't have a Clark," said ED as she clasped her hands together and fought back the tears. "I'm stuck at the periphery without a lifeline. And after what Clark said in WRATH!" She couldn't contain her sobs any longer. She seemed almost inconsolable.
"It gets worse?" asked MK in a voice so weak no one was sure it came from her mouth.
ED nodded as tears rolled down her face. "Lana threw me through a plate glass window and walked right over me, six inch heels and all. Clark rushed to the hospital to see if I was okay. That's when it turned into 'let's be sure Lois doesn't figure out Clark's secret.' And then when my back was turned, he says . . . he says. . ."
"Lana would never intentionally hurt Lois," said the very male voice from the open doorway.
All eyes followed the sound and saw the young Clark Kent looking somber. "I didn't know you had company. I'm sorry. I . . . " He turned to walk away but TH was on her feet and grabbed his arm.
"Oh, no you don't. We have a few things to say to you, Mister Clark Kent," she dragged him into the living room and sat him down on the couch.
"Ladies, please, it's not his fault . . . " started EDLois as she watched him shoved between MK and TH.
"You see that," started MKLois tugging at Clark's arm. "SHE's protecting you from us! It's always been customary for a Clark to protect his Lois! And from what I've heard. You've been slacking in that department!"
Smallville's Clark opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by TH. "How could you, Clark? You've let your Lois down time and time again. Of course, you didn't leave her pregnant while searching for Krypton, but you've really treated your Lois very poorly. Rubbing her nose in this Lana business. Taking Lana's side over Lois'. How many times has Lana lied to you? Tons, I bet. How many times has Lois lied to you?"
"She hasn't," he said while looking at EDLois. She went to speak and he signaled to her it was all right. "I know it might look bad right now, but I'm . . .we're hoping that things will turn around in the second half of the season."
"We've heard that before," muttered NNLois. "Will it be on screen or will it be all this off screen business that just pops up like a throwaway bone?"
"We're hoping for on screen," said TWClark as he gave EDLois his lopsided grin. "Lana supposedly is gone the last five episodes of this season."
"Oooo, that sounds promising," said MKLois.
"And very optimistic," said THLois. "Spoken like a true Clark."
"I have my moments," he said blushing.
"Yea, he does," said ED as she tried to grin. "Except Lana'll probably be back for some episodes next season," she said wiping her face with NNLois' handkerchief.
"Oh, nooo," groaned THLois.
"Lois," he said making his way beside her. "I told you not to worry about that."
"Oh, I'm past worrying," she said adamantly getting her second wind. "Hey, you know what, bring them on! Bring them all freakin on! Lori Lemaris, Wonder Woman, Maxima, Cat Grant, whoever else you ever smiled at or had a hankering for, bring them all on the show. I'll just sit in a corner and pretend I can't type and someone can come along and hit me in the head every once in a while. That will be my contribution. I'm a dangling carrot. Watch me swing!"
"Lois! I've never seen you like this," said Clark as he hugged her to his chest.
"She has had a bit to drink," said TH trying to explain.
"I've never been treated this way before!" she said as a few more tears escaped down her face.
Clark pulled her up to her feet. "Ladies, if you'll excuse us. We have a few things to discuss."
"We'll go so you can talk," said MKLois starting to rise from the couch.
"That won't be necessary. The Talon is closed. We can talk down there. Lois?"
"I'll be back. Don't go anywhere, okay?" she said as Clark escorted her to the door.
"We're here for you, honey," said NNLois as Clark closed the door behind him.
"Whoa! That was intense!" said THLois.
"That poor kid," said MK gathering up the dirty dishes. "She's been through the ringer."
"And it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better for her anytime soon," said NN. "I wish there was something we could do for her."
"I think the one person who can is with her right now," said TH as she hugged NN.
"Do you want some coffee or something?" asked Clark as he pulled out a chair for her.
"No. I'm fine," she said sadly. She looked like she had been in a war and lost.
"You're fine? Talk to me, Lois," he said as he sat next to her looking into her eyes.
She gave a slight shrug and looked around the room. "What am I doing here?"
"That is the ultimate philosophical question, isn't it?" He gave her a grin hoping to cheer her up.
"Smallville," she said as her eyes softened and she shook her head. "No, I mean, what am I doing here? In the Talon. It's three hours from work and is owned by Lex Luthor, for heaven's sake. If I was in my right mind, I'd be in Metropolis in a nice little apartment, enjoying the big city, getting takeout every night and working all hours, but I'm here. Pfft."
"Well, if I were in my right mind, I would be working at a desk across from you wearing glasses, and flying around in blue tights and a red cape. Definitely not living at the farm with Lana."
"Okay, so what are WE doing here? I just can't figure it out. Y'know I told the girls that I wanted to quit. But I know I can't. It's like living in hell. Not being able to be who you're supposed to be."
"Yea, tell me about it," he said and his heart gave a thrill as she took his hand.
"I know. I'm sorry, Clark. I'm not mad at you. I'm just frustrated," she said giving him that half grin he adored.
"I just want to be true to myself and to the people who watch the show, but lately it seems as if . . . they're making it very hard to do that. And I know you've had the same problem for more years than I have."
"Yea, a whiney bitch," he grinned and she rolled her eyes.
"That damn superhearing! Y'know I'm not supposed to know about that. And why were you eavesdropping anyway?"
"Are you kidding me? A room full of Lois'?? What Clark Kent wouldn't listen in on that?" He watched her chuckle and he knew she was on the road to recovery. Lois rarely was down and she never stayed there long. It was one of the things he loved about her.
"Do you think they'll ever let us go to college?" she said he put his arm around her.
"Doubt it. Boring television or so they say," he said she leaned into him.
"Well they could at least say we're taking classes remotely. This is the 21st century. You're supposed to graduate Summa Cum Laude, aren't you? And you have a Kryptonian brain!"
"So it's been written, but not on Smallville."
"Why are we here?"
"Well, we exist and we have a rich history. Seventy years strong. And a whole lot of people know about it."
"Yea, I hate the thought of letting them down."
"Me, too," he said as his lips touched her forehead.
"We live in hope," said Lois as she turned to face him. "I hope the powers that be don't take advantage of that for something nefarious."
"We just have to keep the faith that truth and justice will prevail," said Clark as he moved a lock of her hair from her face.
Lois squinted her eyes. "Why are you so nice?"
Clark chuckled. "I'm the Boy Scout, remember? And you're the Mad Dog." He saw his grin reciprocated in her face and he knew things were going to be all right. As long as he had his Lois, one way or another, he was a happy man.
She let out a sigh and gave him a snuggle. "Okay, I'm better. Thanks, Clark."
"Anytime. You're my Lois after all. And MK is right. I should be protecting you."
"I've got your back, Smallville. You know that." Her grin said it all.
"Yea, I know," he said as they rose from their seats and headed towards the stairs.
"Do you think they'll let us get closer for the seventieth anniversary?"
"Here's hoping," he said as they climbed the steps. When they reached the top, Clark pulled her into a hug. "Sweet dreams, Lois."
"You, too, Clark," she said just before she rose up on her toes and gave him a peck on the lips.
"There's never a camera around when you need one," he grinned as she opened the door and gave him a little wave.
As he walked down the stairs, he heard the three older Lois' began to interrogate his Lois about what happened.
"Clark reminded me. We live in hope."
--To be continued later--