Dark clouds began forming over the New York City skyline, as a well-dressed young woman arrived in a carriage at the Manhattan Lodging House. As she exited the coach, she extracted a package from underneath her arm; a leg of lamb. As she did this, two gigantic city rats began snarling from underneath the stairs. The lady threw the leg to the vicious rats, and unlocked the door. She entered the elegantly furnished building, and proceeded straight for the study, where a scantily clad Swedish maid was dusting champagne flutes, and singing to herself.
"My lovey-dovey, baaaaaby," she sang in an overly Swedish accent.
"Cut it out, Medda. Is everything in order?" the woman asked.
"Yez, Noodle," she answered, scowling.
"Noodlesworth, Medda, and don't you forget it. I've got to check on dinner," Noodlesworth snapped, leaving Medda to her dusting and singing. She strode to the kitchen, her shoes making a clacking noise on the polished hardwood floors.
Noodlesworth entered the kitchen, and was met by the cook. "Voodoo, how's dinner coming?" she asked, duly noting the large and threatening knife Voodoo was wielding.
"Right on schedule, Noodle. By the by, how do the guests like their haggis?" Voodoo asked, sharpening the knife. The haggis, it seemed, was sitting in a bowl for the moment.
Peering over the edge of the bowl, Noodlesworth barked, "Noodlesworth, Voodoo, commit it to memory." Apparently, Voodoo was no cook to be snapped at, and promptly approached her verbal assailant with the knife. At that most opportune moment, the bell rang, and Noodlesworth scurried to the door.
A dark figure stood shivering at the door. "Hello Colonel Spot, please, come inside," Noodlesworth greeted.
"T'anks, but I ain't Colonel Spot, I'm Colonel-" Spot corrected.
"Please, Colonel, tonight you're to be referred to under a pseudonym. All the guests tonight will," Noodlesworth interjected, taking Spot's heavy overcoat, and ushering him into the study. "Medda, please be accommodating for Spot, within reason, of course," she said, leaving Spot ogling Medda's seemingly endless curves.
The bell sounded again, and Noodlesworth scurried to the door, straightening her dress. The next guest had arrived, a slender woman, not much older than Noodlesworth herself. Opening the door, Noodlesworth noticed the haughty disposition of the aforementioned woman. She nearly knocked her over as she entered the Lodging House, throwing her long caramel-colored cape in Noodlesworth's face.
"Alright, I'm here," the woman stated rather dully. "What am I doing here?" she asked condescendingly.
"If you'll follow me to the study, Ms. Brown, all will be revealed in due time," Noodlesworth said through clenched teeth. She silently hoped that if any of the guests were to meet with an untimely death tonight, Ms. Brown would be first to go.
However, Noodlesworth, being the proper lady she was, pushed any ill feelings towards the horrible woman aside. There was a great task at hand, and she'd be damned if a stuffed shirt like Brown would put a damper on it. Sighing deeply, she hung Ms. Brown's coat on the rack and led her into the study. "Ms. Brown, Colonel Spot. I believe you two've met before?" Noodlesworth said, choking back laughter. For she knew something; something that neither of the unsuspecting guests knew. But that doesn't come until later.
The two eyed each other most suspiciously, but neither could put a finger on what they knew the other from. Ms. Brown chortled, "Why, I don't have any clue as to what you're talking about… What did you say your name was, dearie?"
"I didn't. It's Noodlesworth," she replied coldly.
"Uh, lovely name," Brown replied, vacantly examining her nails.
"So, uh, when's we eatin'?" Spot asked while giving Ms. Brown a good long look. Ms Brown noticed this, and sneered at the Colonel most viciously.
"As soon as the other guests arrive, dinner will be served in the dining room. Until then, if you'd like a cocktail, Medda would be more than happy to service- that is to say, serve you," Noodlesworth replied flatly, exiting the study. The bell rang once again, as Noodlesworth was about to check on dinner.
The next two guests had arrived together. How they'd managed that, Noodlesworth had no idea. She could hear their bickering through the heavy wooden door, which puzzled her, but if they were anything like the other two guests, it would all make sense somehow. Pulling open the oak door, she was met with an odd sight. She, of course, recognized the guests; Professor Mush, a handsome man wearing a velvety purple suit, and Miss Binny, a stunning young woman clad in a slinky maroon gown. Miss Binny was hitting Professor Mush over the head with a red umbrella.
"Never" -smack- "do" -smack- "that" -smack- "again" -smack- she shouted, punctuating each word by hitting the Professor with her umbrella. Professor Mush seemed very confused as to why he was being repeatedly assaulted.
"Please Miss Binny," Noodlesworth pleaded, "Please don't hit him. Wh-why are you hitting him anyway?"
Binny stopped, suddenly hearing this, and shot a surprised glance at Noodlesworth. "Who are you?" she asked.
"Noodlesworth. I'm the butler/head maid here," she said, still wondering what the Professor could have done to infuriate Miss Binny so. Since Binny seemed unwilling to answer her question, Noodlesworth turned to Professor Mush, who was rubbing his head profusely. "What did you do?" she asked, motioning for them to come inside.
Professor Mush did not move. He stared at his shiny black shoes, and fiddled with his glasses, which were broken, and falling off his nose. "Well, I uh, I…" he stammered.
"He grabbed my," she coughed. "Well, he grabbed my... posterior," Binny huffed. She glared at Professor Mush, holding her umbrella menacingly. As she spoke, the Professor blushed a deep shade of pink, and rushed down the hall into a room he soon discovered was the bathroom.
Noodlesworth hurried after him, leaving Miss Binny standing alone in the hallway with her red umbrella. "Study, second room on the left!" Noodle added, poking her head out of the bathroom door. Grinning, Binny hung her coat and umbrella on the rack, and followed Noodlesworth's directions to find herself in the study.
As she was trying to coax the humiliated Professor out of the bathroom, the bell rang once again. She grabbed Mush by his ear and dragged him out of the powder room, and to the front door with her. "Open it," she commanded, and whimpering, Mush did just that.
"Is this the place where I'm supposed to be now?" the man, who had curly brown hair and a cheery disposition, asked. He was clothed entirely in green, and was accompanied by a small, sword-toting manservant.
"Mr. Mouth, how wonderful to see you've arrived safely, I'm Noodlesworth, and I'm the butler/head maid here," Noodlesworth said, taking Mouth's coat and hat. The manservant was glaring at her indignantly and growling.
"Down boy. She's all right. You'd better be on your best behavior tonight, or you wait outside with those rats," Mouth warned, hitting his manservant with a paper. "Terribly sorry, he's not good with strangers," he apologized. The little… creature grunted in response.
"This way, sir, and... thing," Noodlesworth instructed, openly avoiding Mouth's manservant. Something about the impish little thing gave her the heebie-jeebies. However, she opened the door to the study, determined to tolerate it.
It seems that while she was at the door, all hell had broken loose in the study. Ms. Brown was shrieking about a stain on her silk dress, Spot was holding his left eye as if it were falling out, and Binny was jumping on the couch, laughing insanely and egging on Mush to "Take a swing at that 'war hero'." Medda was cowering in the corner with an ice bucket perched atop her large hair.
"STOP! EVERYONE JUST STOP!" Noodlesworth bellowed. Each guest stopped what he or she was doing, with the obvious exception of Medda, who continued to mutter unintelligible words of consolation to her hair. "You" -pointing at Ms. Brown- "sit down and shut up. You" -pointing at Spot- "come with me to the kitchen. You" -pointing at Mush- "sit next to her." -motioning to Brown- "And you, get off that couch, you should know better," she finished by scolding Binny.
"I'll help myself to a drink, then," Mouth said, looking wide-eyed at the other guests. "Come Lester, sit with me." He caught Ms. Brown's eye, and almost jumped out of his seat. She did the same, and made kissy-noises, causing Lester to run into her outstretched arms. Mouth shot her a look that said, "Give me back my manservant before I have to do something drastic. Like put a red sock in with your white laundry." His look was well interpreted, for within moments, Lester was scuttling back to Mr. Mouth.
Noodle rushed Spot to the kitchen to get him a steak for his blackening eye. "I'm terribly sorry about this Colonel. How did this happen?" she asked.
"I ain't tellin'," he said, pouting.
"Very well, sir," Noodlesworth said, rolling her eyes. The rich could be such children at times. She led him into the kitchen, where Voodoo was putting some finishing touches on the haggis. Her stomach lurched.
"Almost ready, Noodle," Voodoo said, placing some parsley around the hunks of the Scottish dish on each of the guests plates. "Has everyone arrived?" she asked.
"No, Ms. Cats and Mrs. Harlequinne have yet to arrive. Dinner looks, um, fabulous, Voodoo," she said, choking back the urge to vomit. "Can I have something frozen to put on the Colonel's eye; he's been hit, I assume."
Voodoo looked at the simpering Spot. "What, the poor dear can't manage. The ickle Colonel can't deal wif a bwack eye?" she sneered. "Well, he certainly can't have any of my steaks. See if you can find something else. How about a wet rag? He'd probably feel most comfortable with something he's familiar with," she suggested.
Spot scoffed her remark, but grabbed the wet rag she handed to him and held it to his eye. "Ta'nks," he murmured, and slunk back to the study, leaving a trail of water in his wake.
There was a pounding at the door. "Coming, coming," Noodlesworth said, more to herself than to anyone else. "Which one of the guests would knock on the door, when the bell was very visible, and much easier on the knuckles," she wondered aloud.
"The kind that's been waiting out here for at least 5 minutes," an angry female voice answered through the door.
Noodlesworth cringed. She needed another discontent guest like she needed to eat Voodoo's haggis. "Terribly sorry, we had a… situation… in the study," she explained as she opened the door. Much to her surprise, she stood face to chin of the guest. Blinking, she took a step back so she could see more of whom she recognized as Mrs. Cats. She was clothed entirely in black, and was wearing a black veiled hat.
"So this is the place, huh?" she said, stepping inside, and handing her hat and cloak to Noodlesworth.
"Beg your pardon?" Noodle said, hanging the cloak and hat on the heavily overburdened rack.
"This is the place I'm supposed to be, I take it. You know, the mysterious letter? Never mind, just show me to the brandy," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Very well, follow me," said Noodlesworth. She'd had about as much as she could take with the guests, and they hadn't even all arrived yet. She paused before opening the door to the study, and silently prayed that all was calm within.
Luckily, all was well, but it was strangely silent. The only sound was the grunting of Lester, as he devoured a treat from Mouth's hand. Ms. Brown was mourning her dress, Spot was holding his wet rag gingerly to his eye and dripping water all over himself, Mush was twiddling his thumbs and casually trying to look down Medda's dress, Binny was giving Mush discouraging looks, but no one spoke a word.
Cats surveyed the room, and almost immediately said, "What, did somebody die?"
"From the looks of it, someone you know," Binny shot back, noting Cats monochromatic garb.
"But how? Oh, the clothes, yes, well, husbands are funny things," Cats replied all too casually.
Binny was about to ask how they were funny, but was interrupted by someone at the door. Noodlesworth pursed her lips, and clenched her fists. "Medda, make yourself useful, and get the door," she said, her left eye twitching.
Medda slowly picked herself up off the floor, and walked purposefully to the door. The male guests, excluding Mouth who was amusedly gazing around the room at the vast number of books, seemed quite unhappy to see Medda go, and Mush gave an audible whimper as the door shut behind her. This was merit enough for Binny to soundly swat his head, although the onlookers seriously doubted Mush feeling it through his hair.
Moments later, Medda returned, bringing with her the last guest, whom Noodlesworth recognized as Mrs. Harlaquinne. The other guests glanced at her, said a mumbled greeting, and looked expectantly at Noodlesworth.
"What is it now? Have I got something on my face?" she asked, licking a handkerchief and rubbing it all over her face.
"No, I believe I speak for all of us when I say, 'WHEN'S DINNER?!'" Cats shouted amid hungry nods from the other guests.
"Oh. Ok," said Noodlesworth.
"No problem, just trying to move things along," Cats replied, smirking.
"If you'd walk this way," Noodlesworth said, gesturing for them to follow her. She led them out of the study, through the hall, and into the dining room.
As the male guests obligingly helped the women into their seats, they noticed an empty chair at the head of the table. All seven of the guests stared apprehensively at the chair. "Who sits there?" Harlaquinne hesitantly asked.
"Oh, there? We'll see, won't we," Noodlesworth said, skirting the question.
Medda and Voodoo were bringing out the soup. Medda looked very pale, like someone who'd just tasted Voodoo's cooking.
"Medda, you didn't test the main course did you?" Noodlesworth whispered worriedly.
"Yez, vy?" Medda asked while setting bowls in front of Spot, Cats, and Harlaquinne.
"Did you know what it was?" said Noodlesworth anxiously.
"Vy, no. Vat vos it?" Medda replied, her face straining with worry.
"Haggis, Medda, it was haggis!" Noodlesworth snapped. "Do you know what haggis is?"
"No, I must admit I do not," Medda responded, her face turning a sickly shade of green.
Noodlesworth put a hand to her forehead and sighed, "Go, go to the powder room. Hurry, and try not to ruin the tapestry."
Medda tiptoed out of the room, and only then did Noodlesworth realize that not one of the guests had touched their soup, but were listening intently to her conversation.
"Aren't you eating, Noodle?" asked Binny, who had started eating her soup.
"Noodlesworth. And no, I ate before I left."
"Ya don't live heah?" Spot asked, dumbfounded.
"No," Noodlesworth answered simply.
"Where do you live?" asked Mouth, "That is, if you don't mind my asking."
"I hardly think it concerns you, but I live in a small flat not far from here," said Noodlesworth, sitting in a large plush chair in the corner of the dining room.
"You don't say… I live in Manhattan as well," Mouth said, smiling broadly.
"And I," sniffled Brown, still in a tizzy over her dress.
"Me toooo!" cried Binny, bouncing in her chair.
"Me oh my, ain't ya just a big happy fam'ly," sneered Spot.
"Unfortunately," muttered Ms. Brown under her breath. Only Mouth seemed to have caught her remark, and picked up his fork quite threateningly.
"Well, where are YOU from?" Binny demanded, pointing at Spot with her spoon.
"If ya must know, I live in Brooklyn, but my business finds me in Man'attan a lot a da time," he said, pointing back at her with his spoon.
Binny "harrumphed," but went back to slurping her soup. Cats, Mush, and Harlaquinne looked about, and resigned to also slurping their soup, to the disgust of Spot, Mouth and Brown. All three looked upon the slurping four with much disapproval.
Cats stopped for a moment, and looked up thoughtfully. "So, we all live or work in Manhattan? It's a wonder I haven't seen any of you."
"I know for a fact that's a lie," Mouth protested, slamming his fist on what he thought was the table, but what was actually Lester's thick little noggin. Lester fell over with a small squeal, and landed, THUD, on the floor.
"Pardon?" said Cats, her eyes full of fire.
"Why just yesterday, I saw you at the butcher's, admiring his fine collection of cleavers, and his other slaughtering implements," Mouth replied smugly.
"Oh. Must not have seen you, then," she said.
"You damn near ran Lester over!" he said, gesturing wildly, and unintentionally showering Ms. Brown with champagne. Binny snickered, and flung a chunk of potato from her soup behind Mouth, at Brown. Brown shrieked, and slapped Mouth, or at least tried to. She missed, and wound up smacking a priceless antique vase, causing it to fall to the floor and shatter.
"Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry, I'll replace you for it," she muttered disconsolately.
"You couldn't, miss, it was one of a kind, and extremely valuable," Noodlesworth sighed, walking over to a cabinet, and pulling out a vase identical to the last. She put it in the place of the broken one.
"You said the other vase was irreplaceable," Cats said, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.
"I merely said she couldn't replace it," Noodlesworth stated simply.
"But you said it was one of a kind," Mush added.
"That vase was one of a kind, as is this one, and all the rest of the vases in that cabinet," she said, slightly irritated.
"But how can they be one of a kind if there's more than one of them?" Binny asked.
"That's absurd, they aren't one of a kind," Noodlesworth snapped.
"But you just said-" Harlaquinne began.
"I said nothing of the sort. Eat your dinners, and go to the lounge once you're done. Stubby here will show you the way," she said shortly, motioning to a maid that had materialized next to her. Stubby curtseyed, and winked at Spot.
"What happened to the redheaded tart?" Binny asked grinning madly.
"She was having some intestinal difficulties, it's all very complicated and very disgusting," Noodlesworth replied, then added as an afterthought, "Stubby here is a competent replacement."
The guests nodded, and pushed their untouched plates away from them. Voodoo popped into the dining room, beaming with pride, until she saw the many plates of uneaten haggis. "What? My haggis not good enough for ya? All you hoity-toity rich types too good for my specialty?!" she asked, enraged. She stomped out of the room, a threatening look plastered on her face.
"We're done, lead us to the lounge, Stubby," Cats said a bit frantically, ushering the rest of the guests out of the dining room.
Stubby and the guests were halfway to the lounge when the bell rang. Harlaquinne, who was in front of the group, stopped suddenly, causing the rest of the guests to hastily stop. Binny, whose shoes were a bit slick, slipped and fell to the floor. She'd grabbed Spot on her way down, who in turn caught hold of Mouth, who seized Brown, who grasped for Mush, who made a grab for Cats, who pulled her dress away just in time, and remained standing.
Harley looked back at the other guests, visibly confused. "I thought all the guests had arrived, Noodle," she commented.
Noodle clacked her way to the front door, refusing to reply to Harlaquinne's statement. Her voice cracked as she greeted the man at the door. "Welcome home Mr. Specs."
"Well, hello, Noodle-baby, how's it goin'?" he hissed, smirking and looking over his glasses at the other guests. He was carrying a small suitcase, which he shoved at Stubby.
"Oof. Where should I put this, sir?" Stubby asked.
"Just follow me, sweetawt, the rest of ya'd do well to follow me too," he replied, stalking into the lounge, and sliding cat-like into an armchair. "Put that here," he instructed to Stubby.
The guests were speechless, but followed Specs, and silently took seats where they could find them. Standing stiffly by the desk, Noodle motioned to Stubby. "Ok, just act like everything's fine, pour the guests some scotch, and don't give them any reason to worry. No purpose in getting them all worked up before there's something worth getting worked up about," she whispered.
"Sure thing, Noodle," she answered back.
Noodlesworth grabbed her arm. "Noodlesworth, Stubby. Noodlesworth," she corrected gravely. The events of the evening were taking a toll on her sanity, and she sat awkwardly on the corner of the desk, getting lost in thought.
Cats lit a cigarette, and took a lazy drag. Specs seemed to have not fazed her in the least. "So," she said, gesturing at Specs, "are we ever going to find out why he brought us here?"
Twitching, Noodlesworth looked up. All the guests were looking at her expectantly. "What? What are you leering at?" she sneered.
"Cats just asked you why we were here," Harlaquinne answered, smiling slightly. She fiddled with her handbag nervously.
"Oh. All will be revealed in due time, I assure you," she retorted, full of mystery.
"Dat don't help, ya know," shot Spot, rolling his eyes. He left his wet rag in the dining room, and his eye was purpling quite nicely.
The rest of the guests murmured in agreement. Noodlesworth sighed loudly, and looked over to Specs, who was halfway through his second glass of scotch. He looked back at her, an evil spark in his eyes. Or perhaps it was the light reflecting off his glasses.
The guests followed her gaze, until everyone in the room was staring anxiously at Specs. "Aw, quit yer leering. Can't a man enjoy his scotch?" he inquired. The guests fixed their gaze upon him unblinkingly. "Fine," he pouted. "Stubby, be a doll and get me my bag," he said, his words flowing like silk. "Wait," he continued as an afterthought, "I'll let Noodle handle the minor details, I've got a phone call to make." He left the room, and the guests turned their gaze to Noodlesworth.
"Oh, right. So, by now, you must have some idea as to why you all are here," she began.
"Because we all answered a casting call!" supplied Harly, earning her confused looks from everyone in the room. "Never mind," she muttered.
"Riiiiiight. Well, all of you are being blackmailed. Would any of you care to deny it?" she asked, looking at each of the guests in turn.
Ms. Brown spoke up indignantly, "That's hardly any of your business!"
"Hold on just one minute, Sarah. Why would someone blackmail you?" Mouth questioned.
The rest of the guests gasped, for all of them realized who she was, and who Mouth and Lester be. The guests were increasingly infuriating Noodlesworth. "If you'd refrain from using real names, Mr. Mouth," she hollered.
"Er, sorry about that..." Mouth apologized. "But I'm sure she's not supposed to be here!"
"Now that I think about it, I don't recall her name being on the guest list, say, why are you here?" Noodlesworth inquired.
"Well, I'm being blackmailed. I read Da-Mouth's letter, and decided to come myself. I want to find out who's blackmailing me too, damn it," she answered grouchily.
"You mean you've done something worthy of blackmail? Spill it prissy," Cats sneered.
Sarah began whimpering piteously into a handkerchief, "It's, it's all too horrible. I, I wore stripes and plaid together. I, I was having an off day. I thought no one saw me, but I guess someone did. And they've been blackmailing me ever since."
Everyone in the lounge was holding back laughter, with the exception of Mouth and Sarah. "Sarah, you vapid wasteland of a human being. I've been blackmailing you."
DUN DUN DUN...
End of part one.
"My lovey-dovey, baaaaaby," she sang in an overly Swedish accent.
"Cut it out, Medda. Is everything in order?" the woman asked.
"Yez, Noodle," she answered, scowling.
"Noodlesworth, Medda, and don't you forget it. I've got to check on dinner," Noodlesworth snapped, leaving Medda to her dusting and singing. She strode to the kitchen, her shoes making a clacking noise on the polished hardwood floors.
Noodlesworth entered the kitchen, and was met by the cook. "Voodoo, how's dinner coming?" she asked, duly noting the large and threatening knife Voodoo was wielding.
"Right on schedule, Noodle. By the by, how do the guests like their haggis?" Voodoo asked, sharpening the knife. The haggis, it seemed, was sitting in a bowl for the moment.
Peering over the edge of the bowl, Noodlesworth barked, "Noodlesworth, Voodoo, commit it to memory." Apparently, Voodoo was no cook to be snapped at, and promptly approached her verbal assailant with the knife. At that most opportune moment, the bell rang, and Noodlesworth scurried to the door.
A dark figure stood shivering at the door. "Hello Colonel Spot, please, come inside," Noodlesworth greeted.
"T'anks, but I ain't Colonel Spot, I'm Colonel-" Spot corrected.
"Please, Colonel, tonight you're to be referred to under a pseudonym. All the guests tonight will," Noodlesworth interjected, taking Spot's heavy overcoat, and ushering him into the study. "Medda, please be accommodating for Spot, within reason, of course," she said, leaving Spot ogling Medda's seemingly endless curves.
The bell sounded again, and Noodlesworth scurried to the door, straightening her dress. The next guest had arrived, a slender woman, not much older than Noodlesworth herself. Opening the door, Noodlesworth noticed the haughty disposition of the aforementioned woman. She nearly knocked her over as she entered the Lodging House, throwing her long caramel-colored cape in Noodlesworth's face.
"Alright, I'm here," the woman stated rather dully. "What am I doing here?" she asked condescendingly.
"If you'll follow me to the study, Ms. Brown, all will be revealed in due time," Noodlesworth said through clenched teeth. She silently hoped that if any of the guests were to meet with an untimely death tonight, Ms. Brown would be first to go.
However, Noodlesworth, being the proper lady she was, pushed any ill feelings towards the horrible woman aside. There was a great task at hand, and she'd be damned if a stuffed shirt like Brown would put a damper on it. Sighing deeply, she hung Ms. Brown's coat on the rack and led her into the study. "Ms. Brown, Colonel Spot. I believe you two've met before?" Noodlesworth said, choking back laughter. For she knew something; something that neither of the unsuspecting guests knew. But that doesn't come until later.
The two eyed each other most suspiciously, but neither could put a finger on what they knew the other from. Ms. Brown chortled, "Why, I don't have any clue as to what you're talking about… What did you say your name was, dearie?"
"I didn't. It's Noodlesworth," she replied coldly.
"Uh, lovely name," Brown replied, vacantly examining her nails.
"So, uh, when's we eatin'?" Spot asked while giving Ms. Brown a good long look. Ms Brown noticed this, and sneered at the Colonel most viciously.
"As soon as the other guests arrive, dinner will be served in the dining room. Until then, if you'd like a cocktail, Medda would be more than happy to service- that is to say, serve you," Noodlesworth replied flatly, exiting the study. The bell rang once again, as Noodlesworth was about to check on dinner.
The next two guests had arrived together. How they'd managed that, Noodlesworth had no idea. She could hear their bickering through the heavy wooden door, which puzzled her, but if they were anything like the other two guests, it would all make sense somehow. Pulling open the oak door, she was met with an odd sight. She, of course, recognized the guests; Professor Mush, a handsome man wearing a velvety purple suit, and Miss Binny, a stunning young woman clad in a slinky maroon gown. Miss Binny was hitting Professor Mush over the head with a red umbrella.
"Never" -smack- "do" -smack- "that" -smack- "again" -smack- she shouted, punctuating each word by hitting the Professor with her umbrella. Professor Mush seemed very confused as to why he was being repeatedly assaulted.
"Please Miss Binny," Noodlesworth pleaded, "Please don't hit him. Wh-why are you hitting him anyway?"
Binny stopped, suddenly hearing this, and shot a surprised glance at Noodlesworth. "Who are you?" she asked.
"Noodlesworth. I'm the butler/head maid here," she said, still wondering what the Professor could have done to infuriate Miss Binny so. Since Binny seemed unwilling to answer her question, Noodlesworth turned to Professor Mush, who was rubbing his head profusely. "What did you do?" she asked, motioning for them to come inside.
Professor Mush did not move. He stared at his shiny black shoes, and fiddled with his glasses, which were broken, and falling off his nose. "Well, I uh, I…" he stammered.
"He grabbed my," she coughed. "Well, he grabbed my... posterior," Binny huffed. She glared at Professor Mush, holding her umbrella menacingly. As she spoke, the Professor blushed a deep shade of pink, and rushed down the hall into a room he soon discovered was the bathroom.
Noodlesworth hurried after him, leaving Miss Binny standing alone in the hallway with her red umbrella. "Study, second room on the left!" Noodle added, poking her head out of the bathroom door. Grinning, Binny hung her coat and umbrella on the rack, and followed Noodlesworth's directions to find herself in the study.
As she was trying to coax the humiliated Professor out of the bathroom, the bell rang once again. She grabbed Mush by his ear and dragged him out of the powder room, and to the front door with her. "Open it," she commanded, and whimpering, Mush did just that.
"Is this the place where I'm supposed to be now?" the man, who had curly brown hair and a cheery disposition, asked. He was clothed entirely in green, and was accompanied by a small, sword-toting manservant.
"Mr. Mouth, how wonderful to see you've arrived safely, I'm Noodlesworth, and I'm the butler/head maid here," Noodlesworth said, taking Mouth's coat and hat. The manservant was glaring at her indignantly and growling.
"Down boy. She's all right. You'd better be on your best behavior tonight, or you wait outside with those rats," Mouth warned, hitting his manservant with a paper. "Terribly sorry, he's not good with strangers," he apologized. The little… creature grunted in response.
"This way, sir, and... thing," Noodlesworth instructed, openly avoiding Mouth's manservant. Something about the impish little thing gave her the heebie-jeebies. However, she opened the door to the study, determined to tolerate it.
It seems that while she was at the door, all hell had broken loose in the study. Ms. Brown was shrieking about a stain on her silk dress, Spot was holding his left eye as if it were falling out, and Binny was jumping on the couch, laughing insanely and egging on Mush to "Take a swing at that 'war hero'." Medda was cowering in the corner with an ice bucket perched atop her large hair.
"STOP! EVERYONE JUST STOP!" Noodlesworth bellowed. Each guest stopped what he or she was doing, with the obvious exception of Medda, who continued to mutter unintelligible words of consolation to her hair. "You" -pointing at Ms. Brown- "sit down and shut up. You" -pointing at Spot- "come with me to the kitchen. You" -pointing at Mush- "sit next to her." -motioning to Brown- "And you, get off that couch, you should know better," she finished by scolding Binny.
"I'll help myself to a drink, then," Mouth said, looking wide-eyed at the other guests. "Come Lester, sit with me." He caught Ms. Brown's eye, and almost jumped out of his seat. She did the same, and made kissy-noises, causing Lester to run into her outstretched arms. Mouth shot her a look that said, "Give me back my manservant before I have to do something drastic. Like put a red sock in with your white laundry." His look was well interpreted, for within moments, Lester was scuttling back to Mr. Mouth.
Noodle rushed Spot to the kitchen to get him a steak for his blackening eye. "I'm terribly sorry about this Colonel. How did this happen?" she asked.
"I ain't tellin'," he said, pouting.
"Very well, sir," Noodlesworth said, rolling her eyes. The rich could be such children at times. She led him into the kitchen, where Voodoo was putting some finishing touches on the haggis. Her stomach lurched.
"Almost ready, Noodle," Voodoo said, placing some parsley around the hunks of the Scottish dish on each of the guests plates. "Has everyone arrived?" she asked.
"No, Ms. Cats and Mrs. Harlequinne have yet to arrive. Dinner looks, um, fabulous, Voodoo," she said, choking back the urge to vomit. "Can I have something frozen to put on the Colonel's eye; he's been hit, I assume."
Voodoo looked at the simpering Spot. "What, the poor dear can't manage. The ickle Colonel can't deal wif a bwack eye?" she sneered. "Well, he certainly can't have any of my steaks. See if you can find something else. How about a wet rag? He'd probably feel most comfortable with something he's familiar with," she suggested.
Spot scoffed her remark, but grabbed the wet rag she handed to him and held it to his eye. "Ta'nks," he murmured, and slunk back to the study, leaving a trail of water in his wake.
There was a pounding at the door. "Coming, coming," Noodlesworth said, more to herself than to anyone else. "Which one of the guests would knock on the door, when the bell was very visible, and much easier on the knuckles," she wondered aloud.
"The kind that's been waiting out here for at least 5 minutes," an angry female voice answered through the door.
Noodlesworth cringed. She needed another discontent guest like she needed to eat Voodoo's haggis. "Terribly sorry, we had a… situation… in the study," she explained as she opened the door. Much to her surprise, she stood face to chin of the guest. Blinking, she took a step back so she could see more of whom she recognized as Mrs. Cats. She was clothed entirely in black, and was wearing a black veiled hat.
"So this is the place, huh?" she said, stepping inside, and handing her hat and cloak to Noodlesworth.
"Beg your pardon?" Noodle said, hanging the cloak and hat on the heavily overburdened rack.
"This is the place I'm supposed to be, I take it. You know, the mysterious letter? Never mind, just show me to the brandy," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Very well, follow me," said Noodlesworth. She'd had about as much as she could take with the guests, and they hadn't even all arrived yet. She paused before opening the door to the study, and silently prayed that all was calm within.
Luckily, all was well, but it was strangely silent. The only sound was the grunting of Lester, as he devoured a treat from Mouth's hand. Ms. Brown was mourning her dress, Spot was holding his wet rag gingerly to his eye and dripping water all over himself, Mush was twiddling his thumbs and casually trying to look down Medda's dress, Binny was giving Mush discouraging looks, but no one spoke a word.
Cats surveyed the room, and almost immediately said, "What, did somebody die?"
"From the looks of it, someone you know," Binny shot back, noting Cats monochromatic garb.
"But how? Oh, the clothes, yes, well, husbands are funny things," Cats replied all too casually.
Binny was about to ask how they were funny, but was interrupted by someone at the door. Noodlesworth pursed her lips, and clenched her fists. "Medda, make yourself useful, and get the door," she said, her left eye twitching.
Medda slowly picked herself up off the floor, and walked purposefully to the door. The male guests, excluding Mouth who was amusedly gazing around the room at the vast number of books, seemed quite unhappy to see Medda go, and Mush gave an audible whimper as the door shut behind her. This was merit enough for Binny to soundly swat his head, although the onlookers seriously doubted Mush feeling it through his hair.
Moments later, Medda returned, bringing with her the last guest, whom Noodlesworth recognized as Mrs. Harlaquinne. The other guests glanced at her, said a mumbled greeting, and looked expectantly at Noodlesworth.
"What is it now? Have I got something on my face?" she asked, licking a handkerchief and rubbing it all over her face.
"No, I believe I speak for all of us when I say, 'WHEN'S DINNER?!'" Cats shouted amid hungry nods from the other guests.
"Oh. Ok," said Noodlesworth.
"No problem, just trying to move things along," Cats replied, smirking.
"If you'd walk this way," Noodlesworth said, gesturing for them to follow her. She led them out of the study, through the hall, and into the dining room.
As the male guests obligingly helped the women into their seats, they noticed an empty chair at the head of the table. All seven of the guests stared apprehensively at the chair. "Who sits there?" Harlaquinne hesitantly asked.
"Oh, there? We'll see, won't we," Noodlesworth said, skirting the question.
Medda and Voodoo were bringing out the soup. Medda looked very pale, like someone who'd just tasted Voodoo's cooking.
"Medda, you didn't test the main course did you?" Noodlesworth whispered worriedly.
"Yez, vy?" Medda asked while setting bowls in front of Spot, Cats, and Harlaquinne.
"Did you know what it was?" said Noodlesworth anxiously.
"Vy, no. Vat vos it?" Medda replied, her face straining with worry.
"Haggis, Medda, it was haggis!" Noodlesworth snapped. "Do you know what haggis is?"
"No, I must admit I do not," Medda responded, her face turning a sickly shade of green.
Noodlesworth put a hand to her forehead and sighed, "Go, go to the powder room. Hurry, and try not to ruin the tapestry."
Medda tiptoed out of the room, and only then did Noodlesworth realize that not one of the guests had touched their soup, but were listening intently to her conversation.
"Aren't you eating, Noodle?" asked Binny, who had started eating her soup.
"Noodlesworth. And no, I ate before I left."
"Ya don't live heah?" Spot asked, dumbfounded.
"No," Noodlesworth answered simply.
"Where do you live?" asked Mouth, "That is, if you don't mind my asking."
"I hardly think it concerns you, but I live in a small flat not far from here," said Noodlesworth, sitting in a large plush chair in the corner of the dining room.
"You don't say… I live in Manhattan as well," Mouth said, smiling broadly.
"And I," sniffled Brown, still in a tizzy over her dress.
"Me toooo!" cried Binny, bouncing in her chair.
"Me oh my, ain't ya just a big happy fam'ly," sneered Spot.
"Unfortunately," muttered Ms. Brown under her breath. Only Mouth seemed to have caught her remark, and picked up his fork quite threateningly.
"Well, where are YOU from?" Binny demanded, pointing at Spot with her spoon.
"If ya must know, I live in Brooklyn, but my business finds me in Man'attan a lot a da time," he said, pointing back at her with his spoon.
Binny "harrumphed," but went back to slurping her soup. Cats, Mush, and Harlaquinne looked about, and resigned to also slurping their soup, to the disgust of Spot, Mouth and Brown. All three looked upon the slurping four with much disapproval.
Cats stopped for a moment, and looked up thoughtfully. "So, we all live or work in Manhattan? It's a wonder I haven't seen any of you."
"I know for a fact that's a lie," Mouth protested, slamming his fist on what he thought was the table, but what was actually Lester's thick little noggin. Lester fell over with a small squeal, and landed, THUD, on the floor.
"Pardon?" said Cats, her eyes full of fire.
"Why just yesterday, I saw you at the butcher's, admiring his fine collection of cleavers, and his other slaughtering implements," Mouth replied smugly.
"Oh. Must not have seen you, then," she said.
"You damn near ran Lester over!" he said, gesturing wildly, and unintentionally showering Ms. Brown with champagne. Binny snickered, and flung a chunk of potato from her soup behind Mouth, at Brown. Brown shrieked, and slapped Mouth, or at least tried to. She missed, and wound up smacking a priceless antique vase, causing it to fall to the floor and shatter.
"Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry, I'll replace you for it," she muttered disconsolately.
"You couldn't, miss, it was one of a kind, and extremely valuable," Noodlesworth sighed, walking over to a cabinet, and pulling out a vase identical to the last. She put it in the place of the broken one.
"You said the other vase was irreplaceable," Cats said, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.
"I merely said she couldn't replace it," Noodlesworth stated simply.
"But you said it was one of a kind," Mush added.
"That vase was one of a kind, as is this one, and all the rest of the vases in that cabinet," she said, slightly irritated.
"But how can they be one of a kind if there's more than one of them?" Binny asked.
"That's absurd, they aren't one of a kind," Noodlesworth snapped.
"But you just said-" Harlaquinne began.
"I said nothing of the sort. Eat your dinners, and go to the lounge once you're done. Stubby here will show you the way," she said shortly, motioning to a maid that had materialized next to her. Stubby curtseyed, and winked at Spot.
"What happened to the redheaded tart?" Binny asked grinning madly.
"She was having some intestinal difficulties, it's all very complicated and very disgusting," Noodlesworth replied, then added as an afterthought, "Stubby here is a competent replacement."
The guests nodded, and pushed their untouched plates away from them. Voodoo popped into the dining room, beaming with pride, until she saw the many plates of uneaten haggis. "What? My haggis not good enough for ya? All you hoity-toity rich types too good for my specialty?!" she asked, enraged. She stomped out of the room, a threatening look plastered on her face.
"We're done, lead us to the lounge, Stubby," Cats said a bit frantically, ushering the rest of the guests out of the dining room.
Stubby and the guests were halfway to the lounge when the bell rang. Harlaquinne, who was in front of the group, stopped suddenly, causing the rest of the guests to hastily stop. Binny, whose shoes were a bit slick, slipped and fell to the floor. She'd grabbed Spot on her way down, who in turn caught hold of Mouth, who seized Brown, who grasped for Mush, who made a grab for Cats, who pulled her dress away just in time, and remained standing.
Harley looked back at the other guests, visibly confused. "I thought all the guests had arrived, Noodle," she commented.
Noodle clacked her way to the front door, refusing to reply to Harlaquinne's statement. Her voice cracked as she greeted the man at the door. "Welcome home Mr. Specs."
"Well, hello, Noodle-baby, how's it goin'?" he hissed, smirking and looking over his glasses at the other guests. He was carrying a small suitcase, which he shoved at Stubby.
"Oof. Where should I put this, sir?" Stubby asked.
"Just follow me, sweetawt, the rest of ya'd do well to follow me too," he replied, stalking into the lounge, and sliding cat-like into an armchair. "Put that here," he instructed to Stubby.
The guests were speechless, but followed Specs, and silently took seats where they could find them. Standing stiffly by the desk, Noodle motioned to Stubby. "Ok, just act like everything's fine, pour the guests some scotch, and don't give them any reason to worry. No purpose in getting them all worked up before there's something worth getting worked up about," she whispered.
"Sure thing, Noodle," she answered back.
Noodlesworth grabbed her arm. "Noodlesworth, Stubby. Noodlesworth," she corrected gravely. The events of the evening were taking a toll on her sanity, and she sat awkwardly on the corner of the desk, getting lost in thought.
Cats lit a cigarette, and took a lazy drag. Specs seemed to have not fazed her in the least. "So," she said, gesturing at Specs, "are we ever going to find out why he brought us here?"
Twitching, Noodlesworth looked up. All the guests were looking at her expectantly. "What? What are you leering at?" she sneered.
"Cats just asked you why we were here," Harlaquinne answered, smiling slightly. She fiddled with her handbag nervously.
"Oh. All will be revealed in due time, I assure you," she retorted, full of mystery.
"Dat don't help, ya know," shot Spot, rolling his eyes. He left his wet rag in the dining room, and his eye was purpling quite nicely.
The rest of the guests murmured in agreement. Noodlesworth sighed loudly, and looked over to Specs, who was halfway through his second glass of scotch. He looked back at her, an evil spark in his eyes. Or perhaps it was the light reflecting off his glasses.
The guests followed her gaze, until everyone in the room was staring anxiously at Specs. "Aw, quit yer leering. Can't a man enjoy his scotch?" he inquired. The guests fixed their gaze upon him unblinkingly. "Fine," he pouted. "Stubby, be a doll and get me my bag," he said, his words flowing like silk. "Wait," he continued as an afterthought, "I'll let Noodle handle the minor details, I've got a phone call to make." He left the room, and the guests turned their gaze to Noodlesworth.
"Oh, right. So, by now, you must have some idea as to why you all are here," she began.
"Because we all answered a casting call!" supplied Harly, earning her confused looks from everyone in the room. "Never mind," she muttered.
"Riiiiiight. Well, all of you are being blackmailed. Would any of you care to deny it?" she asked, looking at each of the guests in turn.
Ms. Brown spoke up indignantly, "That's hardly any of your business!"
"Hold on just one minute, Sarah. Why would someone blackmail you?" Mouth questioned.
The rest of the guests gasped, for all of them realized who she was, and who Mouth and Lester be. The guests were increasingly infuriating Noodlesworth. "If you'd refrain from using real names, Mr. Mouth," she hollered.
"Er, sorry about that..." Mouth apologized. "But I'm sure she's not supposed to be here!"
"Now that I think about it, I don't recall her name being on the guest list, say, why are you here?" Noodlesworth inquired.
"Well, I'm being blackmailed. I read Da-Mouth's letter, and decided to come myself. I want to find out who's blackmailing me too, damn it," she answered grouchily.
"You mean you've done something worthy of blackmail? Spill it prissy," Cats sneered.
Sarah began whimpering piteously into a handkerchief, "It's, it's all too horrible. I, I wore stripes and plaid together. I, I was having an off day. I thought no one saw me, but I guess someone did. And they've been blackmailing me ever since."
Everyone in the lounge was holding back laughter, with the exception of Mouth and Sarah. "Sarah, you vapid wasteland of a human being. I've been blackmailing you."
DUN DUN DUN...
End of part one.