Thursday, January 30, y

Hello Father, It's Me

Chapter 1: Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

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He was a sin. He knew that. He was told from the earliest memories that he was born of sin, that he was a demon, a sin, a mistake. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt him to think about it.

His mother was yelling at Father Beilschmidt again. "If you don't kill it, I swear to god I am going to have a miscarriage with this one from stress!" She swore, using the lord's name in vain, which was a sin. Like himself, of course, so he had nowhere to be talking, he supposed, because that would be hypocrisy.

The pregnant woman who had given birth to him stormed out of the room, not even looking at the sin she had been cursing out, asking a priest to destroy not even a minute ago. Gilbert watched her slam the church door and leave in the dead of night, just as she always did when she came at all.

He didn't dare say a word, lest he say something that would offend someone, and he did not want to offend anyone, especially not those who were among him. They were the angels of death, the only people he knew. So he held his breath for a few moments, waiting for the priests to make their decisions.

It was the middle of her pregnancy with her second child, though this one would be her first official child, because Gilbert was a sin, a demon with eyes red like blood, and skin so pale he could see his threads that held him together throughout his body. This child would come complete with a father, and they were moving to Germany- The fatherland to Father Beilschmidt. The Father and the woman were planning on fleeing the country and the small town they lived in after destroying the last sin they committed here.

He, Gilbert, was that sin. The Demon of the Church was his full name. He was a curse on the lips of man.

Father Vargas walked over to talk with Father Beilschmidt, to talk about something the little five year old boy didn't understand. The demon of the church went to his only true home, the Sanctuary in the upper level of the church, walking solemnly up the stairs. Once he reached it he noticed that the room was a little dusty, so he was probably going to have to clean it before he was killed.

He looked at the bible, which he had practically committed to memory. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me…" He muttered to himself, trying to comfort himself over his upcoming, abrupt end to his miserable existence, and failing horribly. He felt tears gather at the corner of his eyes as he put the book back in its place on the shelf.

It wasn't fair! He hadn't done anything. He had just been born, and he didn't ask for that. He wished the woman who had given birth to him would allow him to call her mom, and that his grandfather would give him something other than stern looks. He wished he could go outside and play.

But he knew that wasn't possible. He was ultimately a sin borne from the woman, a demon who would only stain others, according to her.

He heard the stairs creak, and he turned around to see Father Vargas. His heart pounded inside his chest, but he swallowed his tears, his pleas for life, because he was going to be with God again-or he would be condemned to hell if he hadn't done enough in his short life. Father Vargas' wise eyes looked down at him, filled with pity, before saying, "I can't kill you. And neither can Woden." He knelt down on one knee, to be eye level with the boy he was talking to, looking through his blood red eyes of sin with his wise pair of molten brown.

"So there is only one thing we can do, son." Gilbert gulped, red eyes shutting tight, not willing to see what was going to come.

"How well you can hide, Gilbert?" Father Vargas asked him, and put one of his calloused hands on Gilbert's shoulder. "I need to know. How well can you take care of yourself and this church?"

Gilbert tried to swallow his fear at the serious look in Father Vargas' eyes. "S-sir…I-I can t-take care of m-myself, b-but not v-very well…." He stuttered, flinching when the Priest tightened his grip on his shoulder. He looked into Father Vargas' eyes, and saw determination in them.

"I'll just have to teach you then. May God let me live long enough to do that, and may He show mercy on all our souls," Father Vargas spoke solemnly, and Gilbert nodded absently. He needed Father Vargas to live long enough to make sure the boy knew how to take proper care of the church, so that he would not desecrate it with his very presence.

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That would be how he would live for most of his childhood. Alone.

When he was seven, Father Vargas came to the church one last time. "Gilbert…." The man coughed. "I'm afraid I am going to join the lord soon." Gilbert's red eyes, which were focused on the floor, widened, tears gathering in the corners. It was only the occasional visit from the Priest that kept the boy from being completely alone.

The elderly man knelt down to his eye level, and used one of his calloused hands to force Gilbert to look into his eyes. "Gil. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry this happened to you." He put his arms around the boy. "You shouldn't have had to deal with this, you are so young…"

The boy simply stood still in the elderly man's arms. What was this? He didn't know…What was he doing? Was he trying to strangle him? Mrs. Kaltherzig had done that from time to time….

But Father Vargas noticed how tense the boy had become, and let him go, trying his best not to let his disappointment in Gilbert's lack of understanding of basic human gestures show. But Gilbert saw it.

I'm a sin, and he's disappointed he's too weak to kill me…. Gilbert berated himself once more, and Father Vargas sighed.

"I came here to give you this." He held up a package. "It has a picture of your brother in it." With those words, Gilbert looked up at the priest with a questioning gaze.

XXXXX

H-Hello Father, in heaven. It's me, Gilbert. But I guess you already know that….

Father Vargas told me that I need to pray, for I am born of sin, and hopes that you are forgiving enough to show mercy on all of our souls, for the sake of your son, Jesus Christ.

I-I know that I shouldn't be selfish, even though I want someone-anyone- to care for me, to be there for me.

Father Beilschmidt left with my mother to Europe, along with her betrothed, and her child. I wish them all a happy journey, to arrive safely. I pray that my brother will be better off than I am-that she will care for him, and keep him safe. I pray that you may show mercy on my mother, for she is human, and is misguided in wishing for the death of her eldest child, but then again, I'm not a child, I am a demon….so why would you be listening.

I'm going to pretend you are listening anyways. Otherwise, I'll go mad for sure.

I pray that Father Vargas will live for a few more years before joining you, and that when he does join you, he will be greeted among Angels for he is my savior. He did not kill me, and you did not take me, and for that, I thank you.

But most of all Father, I pray that you may care for someone like me, love me as you are said to despite the sin of my birth, my sin. I pray that you may love me even though I am a sin. For I love you with everything inside me, even though I do not have anything to give. I love you, Lord, even though I have nothing to prove that with.

I only ask that I may bring peace to this town, that no one may want more, even if I must die for that peace to be attained. I only want my mother, my brother and the two fathers to live happily. I want you to make me something that will bring peace, even though I am a sin. Make me an instrument of your peace. It's one of my favorite hymns, so fitting for right now, I guess.

Now then, I should probably go to bed now, it's rather late, and I don't want to bother you any longer….

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And should I die before I wake,

I pray the lord my soul to take.

Amen.

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