"I was like a chocolate in a box, looking well behaved and perfect in place, all the while harboring a secret center."
― Deb Caletti, Honey, Baby, Sweetheart

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My marriage to Lori had all the appearances of a solid marriage. She was a woman struggling with a disease that wreaked havoc and I the dutiful husband, was tired. I was ready for the charade to be over. I didn't care if that meant I would be alone and Lori had custody of Carl. I was tired of being tired. I don't think anyone can really understand that feeling until they have walked in my shoes. Shoes well worn but uncomfortable still. There was no peace in my mind. Thoughts. Constant thoughts. I had no peace in my soul. Cards were falling at my feet because I was letting go and the first sign was when I handed Lori my paystubs and tax returns. I say the gig was up. I anticipated the ending was going to be my beginning.

I didn't blame Lori. I blamed her cancer. Cancer caused us to be unbalanced. Her needs superceded EVERYTHING. For years her cancer permeated the house in which we lived and how we lived our lives. The dynamics changed. I was there for Lori as our vows were taken very seriously, in sickness and in health. I ignored my needs for so long I forgot I had any.

Lori was sick alot. At least off and on since Carl was eight years old. The cancer had put a strain on our marriage. I was expected to leave my job every day take care of the house, take care of Carl, take care of Lori regardless if she was too sickly because she carried the cancer card. I did it without complaint but through the years it wore me down.

People constantly told me I was a good guy. I was such a wonderful husband to take care of my wife. How I must be so in love with Lori. Family, friends, outsiders expected me to play the dutiful husband and father who's wife could die at any moment. Lori didn't die. I waited on her hand and foot through the sickness and now that she is in remission, nothing has changed. I am still doing everything.

I thought things would be better but it never happened. I didn't press Lori to cook, clean, or take care of Carl because at least she was healthy enough to go to work. What she did at work was still a mystery to me but she did go. She still had a job waiting for her.

I didn't press her for sex. She made it known she wasn't interested due to the medication and that it had taken away her sex drive. Where did that leave me? She wouldn't even give me a hand job and if she did it was a lazy one. Heaven forbid to put it in her mouth.

I wasn't allowed to be selfish. I wasn't permitted to have needs. Cancer took over our lives. It may no longer be an issue with Lori. She was in remission. Everthing that needed to be said but wasn't, became the Cyst, well hidden behind closed doors. The secret I held from her was the tumor. It was growing and spreading. I no longer wanted to contain it... I no longer had the energy to continue to work, come home, take care of Lori when she was too sick or wasn't, take care of Carl, take care of the chores around the house to only do the same thing over again. I wasn't getting any younger. I wasn't becoming any happier.

There were more times I wanted to just die. I hoped more days than not to just wake up dead. Ridiculous thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking so I drank.

Whiskey was my drink of choice. Every night after Lori's remission I had to have a drink. Sometimes I had a glass and would sip. When my nerves were real bad I would knock back four shots. Gulp, gulp, gulp, and gulp. I had to get the edge off. Three years. Three and a half to be exact.

Carl had his driver's license and pretty much was self sufficient. He was getting good grades and had a part-time job at Herschel Market. He was 16 years old, our only child. Lori didn't want Carl to know she was battling cancer at first but when she started losing weight and her hair...it was hard on him. He was definitely resilient.

Lori was still a supervisor at Go Stop Insurance. Her cancer was diagnoised a year after she started and luckily the company had superior health benefits and were flexible. Lori had been with the company eight years. She was off and on with remission and this time around she was three years. Lori was practically making more money than me. She was hoping for a promotion that would have meant forty thousand more dollars in our household but that didn't pan out. Go Stop Insurance hired a woman who worked in their centralized hub. This woman with all the credentials was chose over Lori. Her name was Michonne. Michonne Benton.

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A/N: Infidelity: I will be posting a new one without infidelity. Hopefully a good discussion can come from this regarding how long is too long to sacrifice needs and desires or because one is married is a til death do we part kind of thing supersedes it all?