The smell of burning cloth and feathers, and a faint taste of iron. Those were my first experiences neurologically. My eyes refused to open at first, like I was coming into existence for the very first time. I couldn't move, but slowly my other senses came to life. Abruptly, my fingers started moving, then my toes, then my hands. Slowly I brought my hands to my face, touching it gently.
When my eyes finally opened, it felt like I was staring directly into the sun. The light burned and all I could see was bright, yellow light. My limbs moved sluggishly, as if they had been frozen for ages or even centuries. My skin felt like marble: cool and soft. It was addictive to touch. I slowly registered where I was: it was the woods. Pine trees surrounded me and I lay naked among them, sprawled out on a thin bed of pine needles. There wasn't a blemish or mark of imperfection on me, just smooth, cold skin.
My mouth tasted of the odd, metallic taste of fear, I realized as I sat up. My back ached like I had been sleeping for a millennia. All of my memories were gone; everything was blank except for the present. I felt an odd hunger; something I could only describe as a yearning for justice. The only thing from the past I could remember was my father's voice and how comforting it once had been. I knew there were more things, or people, I wasn't sure which, just like me somewhere; my brothers and sisters. Now, the absence of them made me feel sick and empty.
I stood on my feet, my legs wobbled slightly like a newborn deer learning to walk. Each step hurt like a transformation into a new, unfamiliar being. I tried to make noises but my throat was too dry. I walked through the damp forest and became stronger with each step forward. Briefly looking back, I saw that the spot that I woke up in was blooming with flowers, like it'd been blessed.
Who was I? What was I?
Breathing became easier as I continued on my path. Where I was going I wasn't sure. I eventually came upon a house, but in the daylight I could see it was abandoned. The inhabitant must've left in a hurry; the clothes were left out to dry. I grabbed a button down shirt and a pair of pants off of the clothes line. Both were far too big for me. I searched the area around it and found a nearby water pump. I quickly dropped to my knees and drank from the spout. In some ways it helped, but there was still this unquenched thirst inside of me that I couldn't describe. I found boots on the porch-obviously women's, and I put them on. They squeezed my feet uncomfortably, but it was better than walking on the rough forest terrain barefoot. I felt hunger stir in me, but there was nothing I could do. I heard a dry crunch behind me.
"Raguel," the voice greeted me lowly. I turned to see an impeccably dressed man. Water dripped from my chin, and the clothes hung from my small frame. Fear rose up from my heart to the back of my throat and settled heavy and thick. How could I explain myself?
"You must be the owner of the house. I am desperate, please-" He cut me off with a chuckle before I could say anymore. I heard my own voice for the first time and it sounded foreign and strained.
"Raguel, you play a good game. Your vessel matches it well. Always usually teenagers too, though I thought you always preferred male vessels…" The strange man watched me mechanically, like he knew me but wasn't sure about who I was. I felt just as naked as I had in the forest. The hunger in his eyes mirrored the feeling in my heart.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I do not know that name, and I merely…" My voice faded, stopping myself before I could continue. This man seemed to know more of me than I did. The information I did know about myself I was hesitant to share; it was mine and one of the few things I had left of myself. "I was merely lost, sir."
"Lost you are, Raguel. You've been lost for many years haven't you? You've missed so much and we've missed you... Sister, come back with me; I can reunite you with your family…" His voice took a sickly, comforting turn. I felt a stir in my heart- a longing. I didn't know of my family, but the sound of this family he described seemed so tempting , so familiar. I stood there and kept my body ridged. Something was twisted about the man - something was wrong.
"I have no family, sir… I don't know what you speak of," I retorted and backed away slowly. I watched him the whole time, not breaking eye contact. The forest went from the warm, new place I'd woken up into something twisted, though physically nothing changed.
Things happened in the blink of an eye. His eyes went black and his lip drew back into a snarl. Terror didn't seize me; contempt did. My hand instinctively turned into a fist, though something was missing.
"We're your family, Raguel. We made you, we saved you when you were nothing," He was yelling, and the forest seemed to shake, "You were cast out by the others- the others who were less powerful than you. You didn't even put up a fight when your own family turned their back on you, especially after everything you did for them. Then we came, Raguel, and we gave you new meaning. We gave you life."
I quickly walked up to him without a clue as to what I was doing. The man was nearly twice my size, and fury was etched into every detail of his face. Something inside me buzzed and whirred like cogs in a clock. I reached up and pressed my hand on his forehead, and he emitted a scream. I've never heard something so desperate and anguished. Light came from his mouth and eyes, as bright as the sun, and fell to his knees and became still. Something told me that he was dead-that I had killed him, but that same thing told me that I had done much more than that. I had done something else, something better.
I stood there, breathing heavily and the feeling of adrenaline wearing off. I stepped back, horrified and confused at what I had just done. I heard the crunching of leaves and twigs and voices speaking in a low tone. I panicked and I began to run away, away from the person I had turned into nothing more than a body and away from the voices. Someone called out, but it was more in confusion than recognition. Tears of loss fell from my eyes and down my cheeks. I didn't know that man, I didn't know who Raguel was, and I didn't know where I was going.
It felt like I had run for hours, and the distance that the sun sank told me that I probably did. My body wasn't tired, not even after running an inhuman distance. I reached the highway, and a car sped towards me, blaring its boots pinched my toes when I ran, so they gave me an awkward gait. I slammed against the dashboard of the car, and my hand made a crunching noise and pain that shot up to my elbow like a lightning bolt. The pain in my arm was unfamiliar and startling.
I stared at the men in the car. If the car wasn't so large I didn't think that the men could comfortably fit. There was a rougher looking man with bright green eyes and pouty lips. The other was bigger than him; his brown hair nearly reached his shoulders. They seemed mid argument. with fierce and obstinate expressions which slowly turned to surprise. They both opened their car doors and stood up.
"Are you okay?" Green Eyes asked, his voice was deep and raspy. I was shocked by everything that was happening that I couldn't think to respond. Everything seemed so new, but at the same time familiar. Deep, deep in my mind I understood, but I could only graze that understanding. My mouth opened and began crying out in pain. The sound I made was even less familiar than my own voice. Green Eyes looked at the other, his mouth slightly agape. The brown haired one grabbed my hand gently, looking at it.
"Dean, she broke her hand," Brown Hair said. His voice was kinder and softer, but there was still a rough edge to it, "She's lucky nothing else happened."
Dean- the other one was Dean. My brain hurt from the pain, but part of me knew that something much worse than this had happened before.
"Lucky nothing else happened? Sam, we broke her Goddamn hand!" Dean retorted. I felt tension in the air between them. Something had happened before this. Sam and Dean, Dean and Sam: those were their names. A shiver of familiarity ran up my spine.
"I've never met you," I said in a confused tone. tried to move my fingers but stopped when I feeling pain in my wrist. They shared a bewildered glance before looking back at me.
"No… You haven't," Sam responded in a confused tone. Dean was looking at my hand also, his mouth shaped like an 'o'. Dean ignored the comment, but Sam fixed on it.
"That's a pretty bad break…" Dean said to me, shaking his head slightly. "What's your name?"
"I don't know…" I said in a confused tone. Sam and Dean shared another look and Sam furrowed his brow.
"You don't… Know?" Sam repeated my words with confusion.
"How don't you know your own name?" Dean sounded incredulous, even a bit mocking. Instinctively I knew he was still angry from whatever happened before and was subconsciously taking it out on me.
"I don't know," I repeated pried my hand from Sam's and began to walk away. Dean made a stuttering sound and watched me walk away. I didn't stop, but I was slow from the blisters on my heels and groggy from the pain throbbing in my wrist. Everything sensation was so new.
"Hey, where are you going?' Dean called after me, a mix of concern and anger.
"Away," I said shortly as I continued to walk further from Sam and Dean.
"Let us drop you off at a-at a motel or something. There's nothing but forest around here for miles," Dean called after me. I stopped, realizing that I couldn't walk forever. I was already feeling thirsty again and hunger dug a hole in my stomach.
I turned and looked at them as I held my broken wrist in my opposite hand, "Fine. But if you try anything, I will kill you. I've already killed today," I said as I walked towards them. They both laughed at my warning, but there was an uneasiness about them. They didn't seem fearful of me, but of something else.
"I'm Sam and this is my brother Dean," Sam said to me as I walked back towards them.
I got into the car, Sam held the door for me. The backseat was large and quite spacious, and I could lay down comfortably. My wrist hurt and tingled like pins and needles. I lay there and stared at the boys. Sam kept looking back at me to check on me; Dean even gave him his jacket to cover me. I felt my hunger eating at me and making me tired. The warmth of the jacket and the car made me start to drift off to sleep.
I dreamt I was sitting at the shore with our feet in the sand, and my brother sat next to me. He held my hand and smiled at me, speaking to me softly. I could tell was talking, but I couldn't hear him, I could feel the warmth of his tone. His face was blurred, but for some reason I was still comforted by him. He began to tell me to wake up and I begged him not to let me, but he faded with the dream which faded to nothing.