Changing Will
By Karen Hart
Disclaimer: In no way do I own any part of the Xenosaga series, nor do I make any money from this or other fanfictions. I write these stories for love of the game(s), nothing more.
"Very good. You have done well." The words were gentle, reassuring, and yet she couldn't quite suppress the thrill of doubt that sent a shiver through her spine. Was this well? "With this, we will be able to live forever."
Forever.
Another chill. Forever. The continued cycle of death and birth, all the same choices, the same people, continued on to infinity. Forever. Yet this was the result of her actions those long millennia ago, wasn't it? The result of her sealing Anima away, so that mankind could live, unthreatened by Yeshua's failsafe.
When had Yeshua threatened anyone?
And suddenly she was no longer in the chamber of Zarathustra.
---
She found herself in a place of nothingness, all white and formless though the suggestion of shapes seemed to appear in the haze, gone in the next moment. Flowers. Ocean. Nothing. No sound reached her, though she sensed the impression of noise. Still, she felt comfortable there: it was her place, where she slept in wait, until called to awaken. Her place, where no one else could tread, except her Maiden. That one time.
"Were you always this obedient?"
She whirled, startled at the intrusion, her black hair whipping about and tangling with the force of her unease. Someone sat behind her, or a suggestion of someone (the image was not quite solid, like so much else in that place), knees tucked up under a pale chin, eyes peering at her good-humoredly. A girl—no, woman. "How did you get here?" The tone was nervous and more than a little accusatory.
The woman lifted her head and smiled a moment before the expression fell and her head ducked down again. Look at us now, that seemed to say. "Is this your will?" Another move and the woman was standing, blue hair like a reflection of her black. "Is this what you wanted, Mary?"
Mary blinked, confused gesture, and licked lips gone dry. "My will? Zarathustra?" The woman nodded. "Yes, it is my will. I was given a choice, to protect humanity, to ensure it, and I took it. Yes, this is my will." It was true, had to be true. Or else why was she still there?
This time the woman looked down. "Excuses." The eyes looked up again. "The will of Mary. The will of KOS-MOS. One would think they would be the same, and yet I don't agree with you. Why is that?" The woman—no, not just a woman, KOS-MOS—took a step forward, two, a third, until she and Mary were eye to eye. "Why did you do it, that first time?"
"Because I didn't want us all to die." Mary's voice cracked at the end.
"Silly girl." KOS-MOS reached up, and touched Mary's face with an ungloved hand. "Did you think they would die within moments? Were you that scared?" Mary nodded, eyes closed tight. "You were afraid for him—no, of him, weren't you?" And suddenly Mary was no longer standing, but backing away from her, hands clawing for purchase in the non-ground.
Her mouth opened, closed, opened again to permit shaking speech. "Afraid of Yeshua? I…couldn't…"
KOS-MOS smiled. "I said you were silly, didn't I? But you were, otherwise you wouldn't have gone that route. You knew—you know—there would have to be an end at some point." The dark skinned woman remained silent. "Didn't you?"
Mary looked up, then, hurt and outrage in every line of her face. "Why are you saying all this?"
"Why am I here?" KOS-MOS asked in turn. "Why haven't you already activated Zarathustra? Why do you obey that man? Why do you want this cycle?"
She clenched her eyes shut. "Because if I don't, we won't be able to—" A hand landed on her arm, gloved this time, and she looked up, almost frightened, as KOS-MOS settled down beside her.
KOS-MOS shook her head. "That again?" She smiled, then. "I believe you, that you wanted to save everyone, and so you did what you thought was best, even though it ultimately killed him. Don't look at me like that. It was your doing, Mary, though you didn't try. But he is still here, and I know he doesn't blame you. He understands you best, after all, doesn't he? You wanted to save everyone, and now you are committed to it, eternally. Don't you see? You will seal Anima away from Yeshua, and he will be mortal and frail, and you will find him by the river, cold and still, over and over. Do you really want that?"
Mary shook, her eyes suddenly hot with tears and her limbs gone ice cold. I'd have to see that again? Have I been seeing that? She looked up at KOS-MOS. "…No." Her voice sounded tiny and feeble in the silence.
"I think I knew that. Your will has been changing, Mary. You—I—did not merge will T-elos. You haven't used the Key. You are hesitating." KOS-MOS stood up then, and seemed to stare at nothing. "I think this is the end of the cycle, and we are now able to do something about this eternal recurrence that Wilhelm is so focused upon. Yes. This time we move on our own. Stand up, Mary. We have things to do now."
There is a choice?
"We?"
KOS-MOS nodded. "We." And she smiled.
---
Forever. I don't want that fate. Her hands clenched around the pendant and squeezed until it shattered. She was committed again, in a new and frightening way because this time it could never be undone.
Wilhelm stared at her, alarm and dismay radiating from him though his expression remained unchanged. "What are you doing?"
I don't know, but it's time I made a different choice. I'm not going to be your servant, anymore. A new warmth settled about her limbs, and she felt herself fading back into that hazy her-world again.
"Mary! You fool. Now this universe will be completely destroyed. Even Yeshua will perish. Mary, is this what you really want?"
Poor fool. You wanted to protect them so much that you cannot see them at all anymore. This is the product of their will. And--. She looked up, red eyes clear.
"I am not Mary. I am…KOS-MOS!"