Friends: Alternative Season 4
--Chapter 1--
THE ONE WITH JANICE'S NUPTIAL EVENT
Hello! I'm starting with this new fanfic even though I haven't finished The One With The Wrecked Christmas (Season 11) but don't worry I'll always update that one, along with this new story. This is a bunch of chapters I've created for a season 4 (not in the beginning, not in the end) Ross hasn't met Emily (yet), no one knows a girl named Kathy (yet), Rachel HAS a crush on Joshua and Phoebe is pregnant with the triplets.
(Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the counter as Rachel comes running in.)
Rachel: So what happened? Did he do it? Did he finally propose?
Phoebe: Who did?
Rachel: Mr. Big. (Phoebe seems confused.) Don't you watch Sex and the City?
Phoebe: No, but why don't we talk about what I do watch and that's sex in the city.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: Ugh, I can't believe I missed it again. I have been watching Sarah Jessica Parker on this show ever since the very first beginning and I have not missed a single episode. Well, except once, when Ross and I were together and he really wanted to watch A Bug's Life.
Phoebe: So where were you?
Rachel: Oh, at a faculty meeting. My boss wants me to take care of the women's lingerie department.
Joey: Nice.
Phoebe: Well, your mother called like seven times asking where you are and then the last time she called I kinda just started yelling stuff at her and pretended t be Chinese… Yeah, I don't think she's gonna be stopping by for a while.
Rachel: Ugh. Well, I'll call her later.
Phoebe: Are you sure? 'Cause I kinda miss her.
Joey: Oh—and tell her about the lingerie story.
Rachel: Joey, can I use your phone?
Joey: Sure, go ahead. We haven't paid our phone-bill in weeks and I'm pretty sure they cut us off, so…
(Rachel leaves)
(Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cleaning as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Oh, hey Rach. How was the meeting?
Rachel: Disgusting. I'm in charge of kids' clothing.
Monica: By the way, your mom called like eight times looking for you.
Rachel: What?
Monica: I distinctly recall because that's how many times I rearranged the bathroom towels.
Rachel: What? Monica, you're sick!
Monica: At least I don't get tons and tons of calls from my mother.
Rachel: Because she hates you!
Monica: (crying) You know how much that hurts!
Rachel: Oh god Monica I'm sorry honey. Come here…
Monica: Oh screw it. I'm rearranging them again! (runs to the bathroom)
Opening Credits
(Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Joey and Monica are there as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey, you guys. I just got off the phone with my mom and guess why she was calling me like a hundred times last night?
Phoebe: Ooh ooh fun okay! Umm cause she wanted to tell you she's coming over?
Rachel: Thank god, no.
Phoebe: Family emergency?
Rachel: Nope.
Phoebe: Ooh ooh left arm eating by a Pacific seagull.
Rachel: No, she wanted to tell me about the stupid new facelift she's had.
Phoebe: Ooh, so close.
Monica: What, so that's it? That's the reason she called like twenty times?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: Talk about Baby Mama.
Rachel: God, I hate mothers who act like that.
Phoebe: Hey, do not speak ill of the dead.
Joey: But Pheebs, Rachel's mother is still alive.
Phoebe: No, I know that, obviously, but it's just that mine isn't so…
Monica: Girl's got a point.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hi, hi, one cup of latté please and HELP ME, help me, help me people!
Phoebe: Oh my god this is so depressing I can't watch this. (places her right hand above her cheek and looks away to prevent looking at Chandler)
Joey: Chandler, what's goin' on man?
Chandler: Do you know who's getting married in spring? Do you? Do you?
Rachel: Oh my god are we supposed to answer that?
Chandler: Oh wait-wait-wait-wait hold on. I do. I do… Janice does!
All: Oh, my god. Awe… Honey.
Joey: I can't believe this. Janice's getting married?
Phoebe: I know. Poor Mr. Janice Singsteen.
Monica: (to Chandler) Are you okay?
Chandler: Oh, no, yeah, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm cool. I'm alright. I'm…hostile.
Phoebe: Chandler, do you know what you need right now?
Chandler: No, what?
(A waitress gives him his cup of latté and he drinks it all in one sip)
Phoebe: Well, caffeine, obviously.
Chandler: can I have another espresso over here?
Monica: How many of those have you had already?
Chandler: I don't know, a HUNDRED?
Rachel: Chandler, it's eight o'clock in the morning!
Phoebe: You know, for some people, that's actually a little late to have a hundred espressos.
Chandler: And you know what the worst part is? The guy she's marrying is her ex-husband Sid.
Phoebe: Oh that is so cool. So she's like re-marrying him!
Chandler: Yeah Pheebs that is cool… (to a waiter) And where is my espresso kid? Are ya deaf? ARE YA?
Waiter: (nervous) I-I-I don't-I don't know, sir-sir, I-I-I'm sorry.
Chandler: Could I NOT care any more?
Waiter: (to the gang) It's my first day. (runs to the bathroom crying)
Gunther: Here you go, Chandler. (hands Chandler his coffee)
Chandler: Thanks, Gunther, you're a wonderful man. Actually, right now, you're just a man with my coffee.
(Chandler drinks it all)
Gunther: Receipt. (hands him the receipt)
(Chandler slowly spits all the coffee back into the cup)
Chandler: (to Gunther) I changed my mind because I don't have any money.
(Gunther stares at him and leaves)
Chandler: It's Ross who you hate!
Joey: Anybody gonna drink that?
(Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cooking and Phoebe is sitting to the kitchen table crunching down on a carrot.)
Phoebe: I feel so bad for Chandler.
Monica: I know. It's heart-breaking, isn't it?
(Monica puts some freshly new home-baked cookies on the table)
Phoebe: Ooh, cookies! (eats one) Thank you, mommy.
(Rachel comes running in)
Rachel: (without a breath) My…mother…Phoebe…right…she…coming…over…
Phoebe: Ok, hold on, I think she's trying to tell us something.
Rachel: (sighs) My mother… Oh god Phoebe you were right. You were so right.
Phoebe: (sniffs) Well, obviously, but why?
Rachel: My mom is coming over! She's on her way here. And man do we have a lot of stairs!
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't think I ever said that.
Monica: Wait, Rach, she's coming over now? Now?
Rachel: Yes. I just got off the phone with my sister and she told me that Mom's o her way to the Big Apple and I remember 'cause I didn't get that at first but soon, y'know, Big Apple…
Phoebe: Wait, hey, Rach, which sister was it?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Which sister?
Rachel: Why…does that—matter?
Phoebe: It doesn't. So who was it?
Rachel: Oh my god what do I do? What do I do? You guys, I do not want to see my mother, ok? She's gonna start talkin' to me about her stupid new facelift and the cute plastic surgeon that did her stupid new facelift.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't understand why all of you Greenes only go after doctors. I mean, first there's your mom and then you and Ross and—did your aunt Silivia marry a boob-fixer?
Rachel: No, and (turns to Monica) help me!
Monica: Look, I'm sure it's gonna be fine. I mean, c'mon, Rach, it's your mom! You love your mom and your mom loves you, Rach.
Rachel: Yeah, you're right.
Monica: So I say you just suck it in and welcome her.
Rachel: Yeah, okay. That sounds good.
Phoebe: Or you could ditch her, take off and never have to deal with it.
Rachel: Ooh, I like that.
Monica: Rachel!
Rachel: Bye, Monica, I'm sorry but I just can't deal with this right now. I gotta go, I'm sorry. Have fun! (smiles)
Phoebe: Oh, we will.
Rachel: Bye!
Mrs. Greene (voice-over, vo): Rachel, I'm here! (knocks on the door)
Rachel: (gasps) No!! (Pause) Oh my god what do I do? Monica what do I do?
Monica: Look, just deal with her alright? I mean, she's only gonna stay for a few hours then she's gonna take off and y'know…it's the best thing to do.
Phoebe: Or you could climb down the fire escape and run off to somewhere far and safe.
Rachel: Y'know, Pheebs, not that I don't love climbing down fire-escapes but I have a thing with heights…
Phoebe: Oh, good, 'cause the first time I saw you I was like, "Ok, is she a dwarf?"
Monica: Rach, just open the door for your mom.
Phoebe: Or why don't you go hide in the bedroom while Monica and I stall her and then you could just slip out?
Monica: Phoebe, stop putting ideas in head! (Pause) Rach?
Rachel: (hesitant) All right! Fine, I'll open the door but I like you less. (points at Monica)
Mrs. Greene (vo): Honey, is something wrong? Monica?
(Rachel opens the door)
Rachel: Hi, mom! Hi!
Mrs. Greene: Darling! Hi! (They hug) How are you, honey?
Rachel: Good, I'm good. You remember Monica.
Mrs. Greene: Yes. Hello, Monica.
Monica: Hi, Mrs. Greene.
(Mrs. Greene goes for a handshake but Monica hugs her instead)
Mrs. Greene: My, that was umm…rather unexpected.
Rachel: And that's Phoebe.
Mrs. Greene: Oh, yes, right, hi Phoebe. So what do you think of my new facelift?
Phoebe: I think it's juicy.
(Rachel looks at her.)
Phoebe: (whispering secretly to Rachel) Fire escape! (points to the balcony outside)
(Rachel motions for her to stop, when Mrs. Greene isn't looking.)
Mrs. Greene: Oh my god honey. You should've seen my plastic surgeon. Yum-mmy!
Phoebe: Do you happen to have his phone number? (Rachel shoots her a look again.) Oh, this's gonna be a long night.
(Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey is eating at the kitchen counter while watching television. He's watching cartoons.)
(Joey starts laughing to the cartoon stuff on TV)
Joey: Oh, you crack me up.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey. Are-are you watching cartoons?
Joey: What? Oh, no, no, this is-this is just the commercials. (changes the channel) So hey Ross! What's up?
Ross: Not much. Ooh, but I am expecting a promotion at work tomorrow.
Joey: Wow, congratulations.
Ross: Thanks. Where's Chandler?
Joey: Locking himself up in his room, weeping all day.
Ross: What? He's that desperate?
Joey: Dude, his ex-girlfriend is getting married.
Ross: Yeah, but it's Janice! I mean, it's Janice!
Joey: Yeah, he's real retarded. Just before, I heard him screaming "(moaning) Oh, no! why?!"
Ross: I'm gonna go talk to him.
Joey: Yeah, you go buddy.
Ross: What, you're not gonna help me?
Joey: Oh, right! Sure.
(They walk towards Chandler's room)
Ross: Chandler? You there? (knocks on the door)
Chandler (voice-over): No, I'm gone!
(We can hear a giggle from behind the door)
Ross: Wha--? Chandler?
(Joey and Chandler enter and there's Chandler in bed with JANICE!)
Ross: Oh my god!!
(Joey gasps, everybody's screaming now)
Janice: OH…MY…GAWD!
Joey: (laughing) Hey, that explains the "(moaning) Ohh no! why?!"
(Ross immediately leaves the bedroom in shock.)
--To Be Continued—
I hope you liked the beginning of this story! Hopefully you'll keep checking in for the next chapter which will be coming soon.
Chapter 2 will be titled THE ONE WITH RACHEL'S MOM. Pleeeeease review!!