Sunday School With Hidan

NOTE: If I owned Naruto, I'd have a hell of a lot more money than I do now. Or maybe I wouldn't, I tend to buy more computer stuff than I actually need...

WARNING: Language, sensitive material

Chapter One: Uneducated Heathens!

It was finally time for his fellow organization members to get educated, Hidan thought. Daily, their ignorance of the basics of his religion showed, and honestly, he was sick of it. Of course, no one except for Kakuzu ever commented on it, but they all thought he was an idiot. Hidan would never forget the day he came back inside the lair after an impalement ritual, and Itachi gave him a look of disgust. Or when he would sing hymns loudly at 2:00 AM and Sasori would threaten to turn him into a puppet if he didn't shut up. Or when Pein threatened to slash his paycheck if he refused to work on his holidays- Hidan felt that was nothing short of bias.

"Listen up, heathens!" he finally announced one morning at breakfast. "I have come to a decision!"

"Please tell me you are leaving the organization!" Kakuzu retorted, sipping his orange juice. "Or that you've finally decided to invest your money wisely? That would be great!" Hidan shot him a withering glance.

"Guess again, asshole," he said.

"You're getting married?" Tobi guessed. Hidan blinked.

"Uh... no. That's not it either," he replied. Kakuzu let out a barking laugh.

"Tobi, are you on crack? Hidan couldn't even get a vapid gold-digger to look at him, let alone find a girl stupid enough to marry him! Hell, for that matter, he couldn't even get a GUY!"

"I am going to sacrifice your sorry ass in a few minutes if you don't shut the fuck up," Hidan hissed, his voice a deadly whisper. Kakuzu smirked and looked like he was about to say something else, but Itachi interrupted him.

"Stop giving us the runaround, Hidan!" he interjected. "Just tell us whatever it is that you are going to tell us and get on with it!" Everyone around the table looked shocked. It was very unusual for Itachi to go off on someone like that. Hidan cleared his throat.

"Are you all done?" he asked irately. When no one answered, he continued. "The time has come for you to get religion!" A collective sigh arose from the group and Kakuzu broke the silence.

"If you give me any more of the damn pamphlets, I swear that I am going to make you eat them! And then when you finish it, I'm going to kick you repeatedly until you're begging to deconvert!"

"But Hidan, why?" Kisame yelped.

"NOOOOOO!" Tobi howled. "NOT THE MORALITY!"

"Hmpf..." Deidara said contemptously. "Every time my mother made me go to sunday school, I blew it up-un!"

"No one is blowing this sunday school up!" Hidan roared. "It is high time you learn about Jashin-sama, because if you don't, it'll be too late! If you die without affirming Jashin-sama, you will suffer a horrible fate!"

"How horrible?" Tobi asked apprehensively. Hidan shuddered.

"Oh, I'm not going to tell you yet. I don't want to scare you off quite yet... but all in due time. You will eventually learn, as it is everyone's duty to know and share."

"Wonderful..." Deidara sighed. "Hidan is there a reason behind this sudden interest in converting us?" Hidan shook his head.

"No, I just think that everyone should be happy like I am!" he beamed. Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"Yeah... 'happy'. More like 'batshit insane'," he whispered to Sasori who nodded in agreement. Hidan ignored them.

"Everyone meet back here tomorrow morning! And if you don't show up, I'll sacrifice you! See you around, uneducated heathens!" Once he left, Itachi sighed exhaustedly.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?"

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments

This story is not meant to be offensive- it's just supposed to be funny, and maybe lampoon pompous sunday school teachers from my childhood. It is fairly short- I have it planned to be five chapters long. Thanks for reading!

-Kaboom