Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"
Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…
Disclaimer: All is Chuck's
Part I…
Pasadena…Several days after the triumphant return of the newlyweds…
Leonard and Penny's apartment living room…
"A 'dark secret'…" Leonard eyed Sheldon. "You have a 'dark secret' you want to tell us."
"No. Amy's forcing me to tell. I had planned to take it to my grave…Or erase it later from my android memory when Amy and I are uploaded."
"Oh, sweetheart…" Amy beamed. Then frowned… "That's not getting you off, here. Proceed."
"Wait…" Penny blinked. "You're saying you brought us together? Sheldon, I know you have a big ego but…"
"No, not 'us' as in you and Leonard equally. I brought you together with Leonard…" he noted.
"Wha…t?" Leonard, staring.
"What?" Penny, staring. "You think you made me love Leonard?"
"Bestie…" Amy sighed. "You better listen to the whole story."
"Amy." Penny put up a hand. "I think your new husband is letting his new status make him delusional. I'm sure…" she cut Sheldon's effort to interject off… "He did what he could at times when he felt badly about his best friend to help us. I remember when he asked me not to hurt him…And I love you for it, Sheldon, you sweetie…But, come on. This was a relationship that took years to build."
"Besides it's not like she's insane about me…" Leonard noted.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Penny glared. "Is this that I don't love you as much as you love me stuff again? What, you don't think I suffered in this? Prya, Stephanie…My heart was in tatters over you so many times. And I still think…I mean, dream, of course…Of killing Wil Wheaton…"
Sheldon, arch look to Amy, who frowned…
"But you're right, of course…I'm not insane over you. I just love you very much and would give you a kidney if you needed one." Penny noted, calming.
"You would? Really?" Leonard beamed.
"Only if you really needed it but yeah." Penny shrugged. "Just cause I don't go all drippy-gooey every minute doesn't mean I wouldn't take a bullet for you. But that's beside the point, Sheldon…"
"I never meant to make you 'insane' over Leonard…" Sheldon noted. "Just to push you, hard, his way."
"Sheldon, this is getting a little weird…" Leonard began. "I'm worried about you, buddy…"
"I moved in, I liked Leonard right away. He won my heart and after a lot of effort finally saw me as more than just a hot girl he'd like to wear like a trophy…" Penny insisted.
"Wha…t?" Leonard…
"Come on, you know it's true. I loved you and hoped you were the one for me a long time before you seriously considered me as wife material." Penny, firmly. "I mean you did fall for me preety quick but it was mainly just 'whoa, hot girl likes me, look fellas'…With a nice dollop of real concern for me, I know." Brief warm smile.
"That's what kept me hopin' all through our breakups. I could see there was real caring deep down there." She said, quietly. "I always remember that Halloween party when you really were afraid for me with Kurt."
"You were so sad…I knew something was going on, something awful." Leonard sighed.
"And you actually did something about it…" she beamed. "No other guy ever did that for me…"
"Well, I didn't exactly beat him up…"
"That's not what I wanted…" she smiled. "And I can count on fingers of one hand how many guys in Pasadena could beat up Kurt…You faced him and nearly got your head kicked in, for me."
"Thanks…I didn't know you felt that way about it…" he smiled.
"Heck, I made sure I came with you the next time you saw him, right?" she frowned. "I was afraid he'd kill you."
"Uh…People…" Sheldon interrupted, annoyed. "Bill and coo later, if you still can. Trying to confess my darkest deed here…"
"Yeah…Let my…Husband confess." Amy agreed, likewise annoyed.
"Sure. Fine. Fess away." Penny shrugged. "But this is crazy, Sheldon. I loved Leonard on my own, almost from the moment I met him…I was just a little scared to trust him."
"And why would you, a woman with nothing in common with Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, physicist of the junior bush league variety…"
"Hey!" Penny frowned.
"…Comic book lover, Dr. Who and Star Trek fan, geek par excellence, 'fall' as you say, almost from the moment you met him, for him? I submit the question to you, Mrs. Hofstadter."
"You're starting to move me from concerned for my beloved strange little friend to annoyed, Sheldon." Penny noted. "And Amy? Why are you indulging him in this crap?"
"You do seem angry, Mrs. Hofstadter…" Sheldon, archly. "And why would that be, instead of simply amused at my bizarre-to-you, perhaps, statements? Could it be that, deep down, if you search your feelings, you know what I'm saying to be true?"
"Ok, into annoyed zone." Penny glared. "Sheldon, yes…Leonard and I are very different in some ways but not really so much…He loves comics, I love the fashion mags. He loves Star Trek, I love football. He loves Science, I love shoes. It's just a different perspective…Which line I got from watching Star Trek with the bald guy and that cute Riker dude. But most of all, I love Leonard for the sweet and loving guy he is. And you're hurting me by suggesting otherwise, Sheldon."
Leonard, rather moved now…
"Oh, now you're making Leonard cry…" Penny fumed.
"No…I'm not…" he tried.
"I know it's my declaration of love, honey…See this is why I keep the gooey stuff between us. You always cry. He always cries." She noted to Sheldon and Amy.
"We know." They agreed.
"But, Bestie…" Amy sighed. "After Sheldon finally told me when his mom told him he should have no secrets from me, and we spent a very long night of him reciting this, along with the others I already knew about, I felt you had to know the truth. And he had to face whatever punishment you and Leonard feel you must bestow. Though please remember he is the love of my life and father of my unborn child."
"Amy?! Oh my God!" Penny beamed.
"To be, I mean…I've not done my daily pregnancy test after coitus yet." Amy shrugged. "Please, just let him tell you…"
"Now I'm moving into slightly creeped out zone…" Leonard noted.
"Yeah…Amy?" Penny stared. "You don't seriously believe…? Wait a minute…" she relaxed.
"I remember when I moved in the building here. The moment I saw Leonard and thought he was the sweetest lil' thing…" beam. "You're crazy, Cooper."
"No. Just thorough." Sheldon noted. "May I ask what led you to choose our building and that particular apartment?"
"What…? Uh, decent rent, good size, great location." Penny noted.
"Not really for the area as to rent or size. But how did you find out about the place?"
Long stare… "I was searching the rental books, asking about places…I don't remember exactly but…"
"Sheldon?" Leonard blinked. "You're saying you got Penny to take her apartment?"
"That's ridiculous." Penny frowned. "We didn't even know each other. How could you have?"
"My friend needed to have his confidence raised and to meet a nice girl of suitably attractive body chassis. I was afraid he was going to do something terrible like move to LA, after Joyce Kim and his other failures." Sheldon noted.
"Wha…t?" Leonard, Penny joining in…
"Leonard was the best friend I'd ever had. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, as much as his failure to keep to my bathroom schedule and his penchant for buying furniture annoyed me. Plus he'd introduced me to the first set of real friends I'd had since I left East Texas, Howard and Raj. I couldn't lose all that."
"I knew it!" Penny beamed. "He did always have a heart in there somewhere. You owe me twenty bucks, Hofstadter. Mrs. H'll take it out of the family account." Nod, leaning back expansively in chair.
"Uh, sure…" Leonard nodded, increasingly anxious.
"Don't be worried…" Penny, shaking head. "I'm just indulging him and my bestie to get them to shake this nonsense." She patted him.
"If I may…?" Sheldon, frowning. "So I sought an answer and decided that I would apply the principles of Pavlov and several more recent psychological researchers including…"
"Don't say it…" Leonard sighed.
"Your mother…"
"I asked you not to say it…" sigh.
"That's crazy, Sheldon. We didn't even know each other then." Penny eyed him.
"I also applied statistical researches on social interaction plus performing a socioeconomic/psychological/general physical characteristical review of women in Leonard's age bracket to determine what women would both strongly appeal to Leonard while plausibly being capable of being interested in and remaining in a relationship with him. See, I was going for the long haul."
"Wha…t?" Leonard, Penny.
"Sadly my results were rather negative. Very few women who would appeal enough to Leonard to overcome his fear of failure and inadequacy would even consider a male of his type, age, income, geekiness. And they were either in stable relationships or not likely to move into our building except via kidnapping and brainwashing."
Penny eyeing Leonard nervously…
You don't think…
"There's not enough room in the basement. People come down to the laundry room all the time." Leonard hissed back.
"it seemed my quest was hopeless. My roommate and friend was simply doomed to wander the iniquitous dens of the City of Anything But Angels…And I forced to find a new roommate and friend, someone with Leonard's pliability and lack of defined personality being…"
"Come on, now…" Leonard groused.
Still, LA…Yeah…
"LA…Yeah, I might really have been quite the playa there…" Leonard, leaning back in chair.
"Sure, you would've, honey." Penny patted him.
Amy eyeing Sheldon…
"No, she's just humoring him, it's not servility."
"Sheldon, while I'm at least glad to know you didn't think I'd settle for the first girl to come along…" Leonard noted.
"Oh, I never said that…" Sheldon eyed him. "You'd've jumped on just about anything in those days. Attempted coitus with mud as my father would say, in more colloquial terms. It's just they wouldn't've lasted and the pickin's as my father would say, were slim in these parts. However…If I may resume… My analysis, reviewed by…"
"Don't say it." Leonard sighed.
"Your mother…"
Penny patting Leonard sympathetically…
"That could be servility…" Sheldon noted to Amy…
"Suggested a prominent category from which the most likely candidate to be immediately successful in holding Leonard's attention and needy enough to give him a chance…" he continued.
"Hey." Penny frowned.
"Economically needy…" Sheldon elaborated. "Were local Pasadena-based actresses, ages 18-50."
"Eighteen?" Penny asked.
"Fifty?" Leonard asked.
"Eighteen avoids jail and is barely socially tolerable and as for fifty, Leonard's a realist, after all." Sheldon noted.