The rule of soulmates was that you knew who they were after you both realized you loved them and knew what they meant to you. Only then would their names show up over each other's hearts. The tricky thing was that nobody knew what defined being in love with someone.
People married, believing to have found love only to discover it with a ten-year affair that led to their names over their chests after a passionate night on a 'business trip' or while 'getting nails done'.
Then, of course, there was the fact that there were four types of soulmates, two romantic and two platonic. And some people got all four, some got three, others two, someone, and the rare chance of not having one at all. So the truth was having names over hearts was a pretty useless thing in the world of romance.
That was what Antonio told himself time after time when he went from bed to bed in search of love to replace the empty spot over his heart. Not a single soulmate. Not one. He had believed it to be a simple way of life. He would never find one and he would go from bed to bed, night after night, sweet whispers, and caresses that would be forgotten in the morning as he had no place to call home, nor did he have one of these mystical soulmates.
Whisper after whisper, kiss after kiss. He slept around because he liked it that way. He kept himself clean and safe. And he made sure those he slept with had no soulmates just like he. So why should he have concerned himself with the silly idea of possibly having one? Thirty-five years old and he still had not a single name on his chest.
Yet as much as he enjoyed those nights sleeping with others and the pleasure he got, Antonio longed for a soulmate. Just one. Even if platonic. Life was oh so lonely and he really was finding it difficult to maintain friendships with his one night stands and late night flings. Very few were up to talking after the night of lust.
For him, this night was just the same. Another bar in hopes of finding someone and hopes that they stayed for a bit more. Selfish little hopes for little dreams he doubt would ever come true. Yet, the moment he got there, he stopped. The music boomed and vibrated, lights peeking through the doors reflected in his eyes as he stared.
Somehow, he didn't really want a one night stand or a brief fling. For once, he really just wanted someone to talk to about whatever there was to talk about. He was tired of one night flings in a world that reminded him that he was greying and still had not a single soulmate. For once, Antonio really just wanted to talk to someone who understood.
That was how he found himself in that restaurant that night. Hidden away because of the terrible lighting, he had almost missed it and gone to the McDonalds instead. Though, part of him wanted to go anyway as soon as he caught a glance at the place. The paint was peeling off and the color looked like someone had nonstop peed on the wall for ages. He could feel the rats running across his feet as he ate. Despite it all, the awful image and smell, laughter bubbled from inside and the people eating looked genuinely happy and not drunk or high.
The moment he pushed the door open though, it was like all the light in the world suddenly came pouring. The laughter was louder and even more amazing and somehow there was no smell from the outside lingering inside the restaurant.
"May I help you?"
Antonio glanced up, eyes widening at the attractive man standing there, "Uh yeah, I just want a table for myself."
Flipping his blonde curls behind his shoulder, he nodded, "Of course. Come this way."
Despite the pleasant tone, the way he glanced at his clothes gave Antonio the impression that he was not too impressed with his attire. Fair enough. Antonio did have a terrible fashion sense. It was a miracle he got laid at all.
"I'm Francis. I run this little place. If you have any issues, feel free to contact me. Your server will be out in a bit," he clicked his tongue as he placed a menu down for Antonio, "Good luck. He'll probably insult your clothes the entire night. Your pretty face won't save you."
Antonio furrowed his brows in confusion. That wasn't very comforting-
It hardly made him want to stay.
How rude would his server be?
Antonio gasped. What if he spit in his food?
Oh no, he wanted out! Antonio gripped the table to stand up and leave. But as soon as his hands went on there, a glass of water and a straw were placed down.
"Do you shop in a dumpster or do you honestly choose to look that repulsive when you go out?"
Antonio glanced up at the waiter. W-what? Did he hear Correctly?
"Whatever, I'm not interested in hearing. Do you have your order ready or do you want a few minutes?"
His eyes widened a bit. That was not something he expected from his waiter and server. Though he did not allow himself to show the irritation it brought him and he simply smiled back, "Do you need a plumber for all that shit talk? Or perhaps a diaper?"
The server opened his mouth before closing it abruptly. Antonio's lips curved in amusement, he absolutely enjoyed the fire he could see building up inside of him.
"Anyway," he said, clasping his hands together, "I actually think I'll have the tagliatelle al ragù and two cannolis for dessert."
"Cannoli"
Antonio looked back up, holding his menu out, "Hm?"
"Cannoli is plural, idiot," the server muttered.
Antonio tilted his head, chuckling, "Did I offend you, sir? Because to be fair, you insulted me first. And second, I don't know Italian grammar so I wouldn't know that cannoli was already plural so you don't need to be a jackass about it."
"It's like the basic bitch of Italian grammar."
"I'd assume you'd know a lot about being a basic bitch." Antonio grinned shamelessly.
He winced as the menu was snatched from his hands. He was stunned. He didn't know that a waiter could be this rude and harsh. Wasn't it their job to be hospitable? Unless nepotism got him the job, then that explained so much as to why he had such a terrible attitude.
He heard a wolf howl from across the restaurant and turned to see another waiter laughing as he took some plates back to the kitchen. He said something that made the other server turn red and curse at him; Antonio simple watched in confusion and amusement.
Oddly enough, the night continued just like that. The albino would carry on with his orders and such, as would Antonio's server who he eventually learned was named Lorenzo. Yet, every once in a while the albino would say something in what sounded like German that made Lorenzo turn red and burst into a fit of anger.
He wondered if they were soulmates. And if they were, how either managed to live with the other considering the way they seemed to constantly get pissy at each other through the night.
Of course, Lorenzo did not stop insulting Antonio. He insulted him back; he ended up with a rude waiter with no manners regardless. He was not tipping this one a lot; so he told himself, at least. He actually found the entire thing and Lorenzo's attitude a bit amusing as the meal carried on.
Part of him actually enjoyed egging him on, insulting back with a bright smile on his face, seeing the way it burned the waiter up to have such a non-offended and just as quick-witted customer. Perhaps the experience would teach him a thing or two.
Once he got his check, it occurred to him that he was the one that was going to be paying gravely for this incident.
"You know, you're supposed to pay for dinner," Lorenzo commented, tapping his foot as Antonio searched through his pockets for his wallet.
"I had money when I came in here! I know! My wallet had my ID which I needed to get into the bar!"
"A bar?" Lorenzo rose his brow, "Classy."
Antonio groaned and looked up at the waiter desperately, "Please, could you find it in your heart to spare me and just, maybe, let me go and I'll pay you back when I go the bar again next weekend?"
Lorenzo snorted, "You really know how to charm a guy. Francis!"
Antonio buried his face in his hands. Of course, his luck landed him in such a situation. And if he hadn't been too busy sulking over the fact that he would have to wash dishes to make up for his meal, he could of sworn he heard Lorenzo laughing and the albino almost cheering him on.
He looked up as soon as the owner walked over and he laughed nervously, "No hablo inglés?"
"Yo hablo inglés, francés, español, alemán, y italiano, guapo. No te vas a salvarte esta vez," Francis simply said with a bit of a smirk on his face. Was he, was he rolling his eyes at Lorenzo? What on Earth was going on?
"Well, handsome, seems you have a bit of money to pay and no money. Such tragedy. If you wash dishes tonight I'll let you go. Your handing of Lorenzo makes up for anything else," he said. He put a hand over his chest and wiped a joyful tear away, "I haven't seen him so angry in so long. It's refreshing to see."
Antonio only continued to stare, the air becoming thick and his lungs threatening to snap in two, "I. I suppose I don't really have a choice anyway, do I?"
"Correct," the owner said with a smile, "Come. I'll get you a uniform for tonight and we can get you ready to pay me back for the wonderful dinner that you had."
Despite the fact that he was embarrassed and that a million eyes stared back at him, burning into his skin and branding him, Antonio did not scream, nor did he fight. The way that Francis spoke to him was like a warm coffee and a sweet goodnight kiss from a mother. It soothed him and rubbed perfume into his skin.
"Y-yeah, let's do that."
And suddenly he was a naked man seeing daylight; afraid, confused, but embracing the warmth with all that he had.
He didn't say anything to the cooks in the kitchen who stared at him. Antonio only continued to wash dishes, looking over at his rude waiter who dropped more in. His stare lingered for a bit before he returned to what he was doing, muttering profanities under his breath at a wasted night and his intuitions leading him to washing dishes in some tiny restaurant that looked like Hell itself vomited on it.
"So," the waiter from Hell finally said as he dropped more dishes in for Antonio, "I do have to ask what a man like you was doing in this hole instead of going to the bar like he intended?" he met Antonio's eyes and placed a hand on his hip.
He had no intentions of continuing a conversation with him. While he was aware it was not his fault that he had to wash dishes, he still felt bitter with the outcome of everything, "Don't you have orders to take?"
"Nope. Though it's nice to see that you're the grumpy one now. So, why did you come in here? Did you friends bail on you or did you want to hit on Francis? Sad news, he's married to the other waiter, Gilbert."
Antonio sputtered, "W-what? No. Why would I hit on him? I just came because I wanted a break from that, I guess." His voice grew more and more silent as he ended his sentence. "I wanted to just enjoy myself and not have another one-night stand, you know?"
"I don't know, I'm not a whore," Lorenzo said. He rolled his eyes and laughed lightly, "Sounds like you're not happy with what you wanted to make you happy."
"I feel like life would be better if we didn't have soulmates, I suppose. We could sleep around without guilt of hurting ourselves or a potential soulmate. We wouldn't feel like an outcast for not having fallen in love. We could just be," Antonio confessed, "There wouldn't be this idea of having to fall in love."
Lorenzo shrugged, "Maybe. I think things would be the same except we wouldn't know if we found the right one if we were looking for love. I'm sure you could still sleep around and if you're making yourself feel bad over it, then I think there is more going on than just disliking the idea of falling love. Because frankly, most people who sleep around are quite content like that."
Antonio bit the inside of his cheek, anger bubbling inside of him and he glared at Lorenzo, "Why am I even talking about this with you? This is my personal life. You're just some rude ass waiter who can't hold his tongue. I doubt anyone here likes to work with you. So why do you care?"
Lorenzo's eyes widened and his jaw clenched for a moment. He seemed to shake a bit and he could have sworn he saw tears form in his eyes, but Lorenzo quickly turned around with a 'tch' sort of sound.
"Whatever, fuck yourself over. You're right, I don't have a reason to care," he said, slamming the kitchen door behind him so loud it echoed.
The conversations amongst the cooks fell silent for a moment, all staring at the door as if it would open again. After a few moments, everyone returned to what they were doing.
But Antonio continued to stare at the door, partially regretting what he had said but also being too prideful to believe otherwise. Lorenzo had been the one who gave a terrible impression and mediocre service. If he hadn't wanted to rile Antonio up, he should have just done his job.
Still, as he continued to wash the dishes, never daring glance up at the waiter again, Antonio did regret snapping at him. As rude as the waiter had been at first, he certainly did seem to care enough to listen to Antonio. And he did start the conversation in what he assumed was a light manner.
No. He refused to feel pity. He refused to condone the rude manners of him.
And yet, even after Francis told him he could go home since they were closing up, Antonio found himself walking over the waiter collecting his things to leave.
Lorenzo winced. Antonio did too. He really wasn't sure what to say.
"I'm sorry that I snapped at-"
"I deserved it," Lorenzo sighed, "I deserved to be yelled at. Francis and Gilbert warned me about my mouth. My grandfather too. Eventually, someone was bound to give me a taste of my own bitterness."
Antonio nodded, "Yeah, you did have that coming. I don't think anyone likes being insulted when going to grab food." He scratched his arm. "But, I shouldn't have yelled at you after. You weren't being rude and you were just telling me something I did not want to hear and—and I just snapped at you. I shouldn't have responded to the situation so harshly, no matter what you may have done."
Lorenzo shook his head as he slung his sweater around his shoulder, "Don't be a little bitch. If I pissed you off, just tell me! You shouldn't be apologizing for reacting like a normal human"
"Yeah, I'm pissed. I won't lie. You're a bit of a dick," he snorted, "but I didn't have a reason for being an asshole then is the thing. I'm not apologizing for reacting to your insults because that was really rude and you deserved that. What I'm apologizing for is treating you worse than you treated me in a situation where all you were trying to do was talk to me and help."
"Whatever. You're done washing dishes so you can go home now," Lorenzo said, eyes falling to the ground, "Thanks but you're not the one who should be apologizing."
As he started to walk away, Antonio tilted his head before taking a step back in confusion, "I thought you said I wasn't the one who should have been apologizing!"
"Never said I was apologizing today," Lorenzo stated, the smallest smile beginning to grow on his face.
He wasn't even angry. He just burst into laughter.
Francis found them like that an hour past closing, laughing at a table together as if they hadn't wanted to strangle the other hours before.
"Should we tell him his wallet is under the table?"
"Non. Let's just let them laugh for now. I haven't seen our friend there laugh since his grandfather died last year."
Gilbert nodded from where he stood and both watched them as they laughed and talked to each other as if it were lunchtime and they had known each other for years.
"Damn I wish that were me with some cute guy and not some French stripper I met at a bachelor party," Gilbert commented.
Francis rolled his eyes, "I wish I had better standards than to marry a Prussian."
The couple turned around and left Antonio and Lorenzo to laugh and talk to each other in their little booth. They ignored the world and the fact that the lights were out and simply laughed their funny snorts and chokes, more light in their eyes than the sun could ever dream of giving.
"You did w-what?" Antonio clutched his stomach, tears pouring from his eyes.
Lorenzo was snorting, legs kicking up, "I liked a girl so much, I slashed my chest with a pencil to convince her she was my soulmate. My brother was crying the whole way to the hospital, but my grandpa laughed because I didn't even slash the right side!"
Antonio fell out of his seat, "That's awful! Oh my gosh, no offense but you were an absolute idiot!"
"I was, I didn't even take a moment to realize that it's a glowing mark on your chest and not a fucking slash mark," Lorenzo snorted, pushing his hair back, "The girl did find it cute and we 'dated' briefly so win-lose situation."
He stared at Lorenzo, mouth wide open. He shook his head, wide eyes as he put a hand to his head, "I don't know if I've done anything that extreme."
Soon their laughter died down and Antonio got back in his seat. He looked up at Lorenzo, how did he manage to be so quick to get along with despite the fact that he had been so rude and cold?
"My grandpa used to tell me that my soulmate was going to have a handful to deal with because I was always an idiot kid who did things without thinking," Lorenzo said. His smile slowly fell and he wrapped his arms around himself, "Said I was either going to drive them insane with anger or embarrassment."
Antonio looked down as he swirled the ice in his cup with a straw, "To be fair, you do have that attitude. But I'm not better. I like pissing people off."
"You do it well," Lorenzo rolled his eyes. Slowly letting go of his arm, small marks in his skin left behind, he glanced back at Antonio, "So, what about you?"
"What about me," Antonio asked.
"What's your deal with soulmates. For someone who says he doesn't care and likes the way he lives," Lorenzo shifted in his spot, "you really seem to care a lot and dislike the way you live."
His mind was dragged underwater and the cold shock left him stunned and frozen in his spot. Antonio felt like he was at the bottom of the ocean and the pressure was crushing him slowly. His mind started to shut down a bit and he shuffled in his seat.
"Hey, relax. You don't have to tell me. It's up to you," Lorenzo spoke, slowly drawing Antonio back in, "It's whatever you're comfortable with."
Antonio nodded, slowly bringing his arms down from his chest and put them on his lap, "Y-yeah, right," he gave a hesitant smile.
Lorenzo forced one back before glancing at his watch, "Holy crap, it's really late. I need to pick up my brother from his babysitter. Sorry to cut it short, cutie, but I have to leave. See you around I guess."
Lorenzo quickly started scrambling and shoving all of his things in his bag, eyes wide.
Antonio just sat there, a light blush on his cheeks, "You think I'm cute?"
"No," Lorenzo replied, "I think you are drop dead gorgeous. Like, holy crap, how do you not have a soulmate of any kind," he said so plainly, swinging his bag around his shoulder, "So if you ever wanna go for coffee or whatever, hit me up. I wouldn't mind hanging around you a bit more."
With a wink, he disappeared and Antonio just stared ahead at him with glittering eyes. He hardly noticed the number written on the napkin on the table.
This really had been an odd night. He started out hating the waiter, to finding him funny, to suddenly wishing he could take him home. His rational side eventually kicked in and reminded him that sleeping with someone right away was not the best way to say that he really wanted to get to know him better. While it worked in some cases, he didn't think that this was one of them.
After washing the cups they had water from, Antonio big goodbye to Francis and Gilbert and left the restaurant, forgetting about his wallet entirely. The only thing in his hand on the walk home was the napkin with those lovely digits on them while his mind wandered and thought about their conversation.
What did he hate so much about he lived? He kept himself safe and there was nothing wrong with it. He didn't understand.
Why was he unhappy?
A few days had passed and Antonio still had no wallet nor the courage to return to the restaurant. Especially since the last thing he wanted to do was talk to Lorenzo. As much as he had enjoyed talking to him, Antonio didn't want to get either himself or Lorenzo attached only to meet disappointment. As much as he liked the man and believed that they could get along with their lovely asshole personalities, Antonio knew he needed to back away from him.
Yet, he still found himself standing in front of the restaurant, fiddling with his thumbs and biting his lip. He needed his wallet, he did. Still, he really didn't want to confront the fact that he was tripping and stumbling towards the end of the cliff and that would lead him to a million things that he was not prepared for. Nevertheless, five days later, Antonio returned to the restaurant on his day off.
Just as it was the day he first found it, it was full of life and a wonder he could not quite place. Oh, it was so disgusting from the outside, but being inside it was like gazing into an entirely different world. Antonio took another step forward into his newfound Wonderland.
"We don't serve men who don't call back five days after holding another man up for an hour past closing."
He expected him to be there, but Antonio had to admit he expected to get past the entrance before meeting him.
"Oh. Lorenzo."
Lorenzo rolled his eyes, "I can't doddle, but really. If you just wanted to get into my pants, you could have said so. I would have said no, but honestly, it would have saved a lot of disappointment."
He quickly left, leaving Antonio reaching and searching for any reason that could ever explain why he would get into such a conversation with him only to not speak to him again after.
"He's just being a meany. He likes you," a small voice piped up, "That's dumb because he tells me boys are stupid heads and other words I'm not allowed to say."
Antonio turned to find a kid—who couldn't have been more than maybe seven—coloring on a chair, "And you know this how?"
"He's my big brother," the little boy laughed, "and he didn't stop talking about you for two days! But he's grumpy because you didn't call back and five days is forever."
Antonio laughed a bit, sitting down next to him, "It is forever. It felt like two years."
The boy nodded rapidly, dropping his crayons and sitting upright, "It did! And he was looking at his phone forever too! He almost burned the pasta!"
"Oh no, not the pasta," Antonio gasped.
The boy nodded, "He's a butthead. I burned pasta once and he was grumpy telling me 'Feliciano, you can't touch the stove'. But if he burns pasta then it's okay because 'I was doing grown-up stuff, Feli'. It's unfair."
Antonio laughed a bit, "I suppose it is."
Feliciano looked up at him, "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," Antonio said.
Feliciano looked down at his crayons before looking back up at Antonio with the most exasperated look he ever saw on a child, "What did he mean get in his pants? Big brother is short and you won't fit in his pants. You'll rip them because you're fat."
Antonio snorted a bit, choking at the same time, "It's something adults say when they like each other. But not little kids. It could get you in trouble." This was the worst possible way to explain this. He could feel the consequences spilling out already, "And you think I'm fat?"
Feliciano nodded, "I like fat people! They give such nice hugs. And they're nice."
He just went back to coloring, a big smile on his face, "Some are mean to the ones who are more fat. I don't like those people."
How did such a sweet child live with such a bitter man? Antonio glanced at the waiter who scowled at everyone but the ladies and he wondered many things. How did he keep a job? Where were his parents? His grandfather? Why was he so rude to the point it could leave many complaints? And how did he manage to go from someone Antonio wanted to strangle to somebody he genuinely wanted to keep around in the matter of a few hours?
"People are mean. That's why we need to be nicer. If we're like them then nobody will ever be happy," Antonio said.
Feliciano shot his head up and his eyes twinkled, "My nonno used to say that all the time.."
Antonio wanted to ask a million more things, but he did not want to stress the child. "Your nonno sounds like a smart man."
"He was."
Antonio smiled at the child, the sudden realization hitting him. Though, he kept his mouth shut about it, "So what are you doing here? Last time I heard, Lorenzo said you had a babysitter."
Feliciano nodded, his sudden gaze to the floor changing and his eyes lighting up, "Mhm! Emma! She's really pretty and she has good chocolate! I love talking to her! But she has to go see her brother in the Ned, Neth, Needer? Something-lands!"
Antonio laughed, "The Netherlands? That's far away."
"It is! And that means I have to sit here until Lore is done working and that takes forever!" Feliciano threw his crayons down, "It's boring and I don't get to eat what Sadik makes! I have to eat snacks from home and that's boring."
"I'll bet so," Antonio said with a nod, "Say what, I'll see if your brother is okay with it and I can take you to the park and if he's okay with it, we can get some ice cream and food from my house so that you're not here all day."
Feliciano's eyes widened, "Really? But he says I shouldn't go with strangers!"
"Well, considering I haven't called him back and he's angry, I can make that up and see if he's still angry at me after. I have a cat too if you're not allergic or scared."
That sold him, Feliciano nodded, throwing his things into his tiny backpack and running to interrupt his brother who was headed back with a pile of dishes to the kitchen. Of course, Antonio immediately went after him, a bit flustered and startled at how fast Feliciano could run to beg his brother.
"Please, Lore!"
"We don't know anything about him!"
"You said he wanted to get in your pants and Mr. Man says that's something adults say when they like each other so that means you know enough!"
"Feliciano, for fucks sake!"
Antonio bit down on his lip to stifle his laughter. He had so many questions when it came to them but he also really loved seeing this.
"Please Lore! I'll be good! And I promise I won't start a fire making chicken nuggets again! Please please please! It's so boring here and I hate coloring in the corner! It's like being in jail and that's icky!"
Antonio held back giggles as he moved his gaze from the small child begging to the unamused waiter who looked so tired.
"You know what? Fine! You can go with Antonio. But," he pointed one of the steak knives from the dishes at Antonio, "If he so much as misses a hair on his head and I don't get a call or text every twenty minutes, I swear on my life that I will circumcise you and then castrate you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Crystal," Antonio replied. He quickly crossed his fingers over his heart, "Cross my heart, he will come back to you safe. Nine, right?"
Lorenzo nodded and sighed, looking back at the customers who shot irritated expressions his way, "Please, just—take care of him."
"I will. Cross my heart," he smiled softly.
Nodding, Lorenzo crouched down for a minute to press a kiss to Feliciano's forehead, "Behave yourself. I don't want to hear that you destroyed something or burned his house. Because if you don't behave, I'll eat the gelatin cake Francis and Gilbert are giving us."
Feliciano gasped in horror and nodded, crossing his own heart, "I promise! Thank you, big brother!"
He quickly ran out of the restaurant and Antonio gasped, still startled that a child could run so fast. He quickly turned to chase after him, but he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Please, just take care of him. He's my world," Lorenzo pleaded.
Antonio took his hand and squeezed it, nodding before letting you, "I told you, I promise I will. I'll bring him back at 8:30."
Lorenzo pulled his hand back and left, getting back to work before the glares from the customers bore into his skull.
Antonio quickly bolted out the door, finding a very bubbly Feliciano sitting on the bench with his backpack that was wider than he was at all. He was staring at a tiny adventurer who sat on the bench of a restaurant in the middle of a city. Truly stunning.
"Come then. Do you want to go to the park?"
He didn't need words, the way that child pulled him along, laughing a jingle bell laugh that could have melted the heart of any villain. He was so full of light and seemed so amazed with everything he saw, bringing leaves and broken toys he found back to Antonio with the brightest grin on his face.
Truly, how could someone so bitter still keep a child so happy and full of light? Did this child do that for him and that was why he was such a happy and bubbly child?
"Look, Antonio," Feliciano had chirped at one point as he brought him a flower he had found, "It's torn right here but I think Lore will love it for his flower book!"
"Flower book?"
Feliciano nodded, gently tucking the flower into the front pocket of his backpack, "Mhm! Big brother has a big book of flowers! A million I bet! And he loves new ones."
"Well, I bet he'll love it," Antonio said which made Feliciano burst into a fit of giggles.
He ran off, making more friends and playing as if he would never touch the sunlit roads again. Mothers would chat with Antonio, some of the ones who were single and with one last soulmate to snatch, talking to him. Though, he didn't try to flirt back. He just enjoyed life and watching the small child that waved at him with a big grin on his face.
And when Feliciano came, tired and hungry, he did not hesitate to guide him along and get a cab to his house. He texted Lorenzo his address in case he needed to pick him up early for any reason and looked back at the other check-in messages he had sent. Somehow, he had doubts when it came to Lorenzo hurting him, but he still informed him. It was his brother he had after all.
Antonio stared at the child and felt his heart warm up. Was this what it felt like to have one? Just this unconditional love even though he knew him for a few hours? Was it normal to want to see him grow up and see how his brother raised and taught him? It was ridiculous, wasn't it? To imagine such things with the younger brother some random person he'd hit on and bitched at.
Yet as they both ate away at a couple of bocadillos and Feli went on talking about how Lorenzo made the best sandwiches and sausage, Antonio could not help but feel like he had known this child since the moment he was born and wanted to do nothing more than protect him.
"Lorenzo has two soulmates you know!"
"Oh really?"
"Yeah! He's so lucky. I have none," Feliciano pouted, "and it sucks."
"Well," Antonio said, pulling his T-shirt down far enough to see the bare area over his heart, "I don't either. So I guess we're the same."
Feliciano's eyes widened and the child practically leaped over the table to touch Antonio's chest and look at him with a bright smile.
"Whether you get one or not, that will never change the fact that you deserve all the love in the world. A silly soulmate doesn't determine your worth. Never allow anyone to tell you otherwise."
Feliciano's mouth fell open and the food he had been chewing stared right back at Antonio. But as much as he usually minded, this time he did not. Feliciano looked at him like the stars were in his eyes and nodded.
"Good. Now, are you done eating or are you still hungry?" he stood up, taking his plate to the sink.
"Mm," Feliciano shoved the last of his food in his mouth, "Ah dohn"
"Ah ah ah, chew your food and swallow or we don't build the pillow fort. Also, don't forget to wash your dish," Antonio said.
The child made his way over, swallowing the food in his mouth and stepping on the stool Antonio had placed for him to stand on. He washed his dish the best he could with his small arms. He struggled a bit, but Antonio helped him and this brought a grand smile to his face.
"Good job! Just dry off and we can get to building our pillow kingdom!"
While Antonio focused on how to keep Feliciano entertained and making sure he understood the manners of being a guest, little Feliciano was filled with a million stars. The way that Antonio jumped to the middle of his tiny living room and told him to throw all the pillows and cushions in the middle so that they had all their walls and bricks for their new castle. The bright smile on his face as Feliciano leaped into the middle of the pile, bursting into an immediate fit of laughter. That laughter as he jumped with him, not particularly watching the time when he finally started building their fort.
It was 9:10 and Antonio was still having his little battle with Feliciano, not noticing his phone buzzing in the corner. He was too occupied watching Feliciano charge and slay the magical beasts of their made up land in the living room.
"You'll never win!" Feliciano charged and leaped onto Antonio's back, "Big brother taught me to fight and I will not fail him!"
"Agh," Antonio gasped miserably, falling down dramatically as Feliciano killed him for the fourth time in another new kingdom of theirs.
Feliciano laughed uncontrollably, falling off into the pile of cushions and pillows while Antonio rubbed his neck and laughed with him.
"Big brother!" Feliciano cried suddenly and stumbled out of the pile of pillows to run to the open door where Lorenzo stood, an unamused look on his face. Though, the way his lips twitched almost convinced Antonio that he was attempting not to smile.
"8:30 huh?" he rolled his eyes and then looked down at Feliciano, his eyes filling with light, "You know it's late, right?"
Feliciano frowned, dropping his paper sword and falling to the ground, "But I wanna keep playing with Mr. Man."
"Antonio."
"Mr. Antonio."
Lorenzo shook his head gently, "It's late, Feli. We need to go and I'm sure Antonio would like to get to sleep as well."
Feliciano shook his head and folded his arms, "Nuh uh! He said he wants to play a few more rounds! You're just being a butthead!"
"Feli, we really should go. Plus, I'm tired and hungry-"
"Antonio can feed you!" he piped up, tugging on his brother's shirt by now.
"I don't think he wants to do that," Lorenzo said.
"I don't mind," Antonio shrugged, "Just take your shoes off first."
Lorenzo glared at him, jaw clenched for a moment before releasing it, "Fine, but only for a little bit more. We have to go home and you need a shower."
Feliciano blew a raspberry at him before running back and tackling Antonio down again into the pillow fortress that they had just knocked down.
Lorenzo failed with "a little bit more". 11:30 had rolled around and now Feliciano had somehow convinced him to join their battle against frightening beasts (Antonio) and nasty gremlins (the cat). Though, the tired child collapsed into the pillow fort next to a knocked down Antonio and a very exhausted Lorenzo.
They didn't say anything, they only sat there for a bit with the knowledge that the other was a few feet away.
"He's a great kid, you know."
"I know. I raised him."
Silence again. It was far too late and Lorenzo really should have head home already, Antonio knew that. But he wanted to just talk, even if it was useless facts and stupid things that any grown man of thirty-five should have long since abandoned talking about.
But was he really grown? Thirty-five and he still acted like he was eighteen or twenty. Thirty-five. It felt like a curse telling him to grow up and accept his life without a soulmate.
"So, he's seven right? I've been guessing this entire time." Antonio rolled over, finally looking at Lorenzo who lay down right next to his brother, the fondest look on his face.
"Yeah, just turned. He's a smart kid," Lorenzo pushed his brother's messy brown waves back and sighed, "I haven't seen him this tired in ages."
Antonio finally sat up, picking up the cushions and pillows bit by bit, "May I ask something, personal?"
"Sure."
"What's with the age gap? Twenty-five years is pretty big."
Lorenzo sighed and pressed a kiss to his brother's forehead, "My dad and mom had me at fifteen and sixteen. They were stupid teens and didn't know anything. They split up and somehow my dad got me. Then he remarried and had Feli later on. His mom walked out so my dad got to keep Feli. He died with my grandpa in a construction accident, so I've been taking care of him since."
Antonio nodded, "He really loved you."
Lorenzo covered his face and turned away, "I k-know. He reminds me every d-day and God knows I don't d-deserve his love. I mess up so much, I'm rude, I'm a waiter, and still, this kid loves me as if I were Jesus."
"Considering everything he told me today, I think you're every bit deserving of it. He admires you so much. Just stop being a jackass to random customers and I think you're good," he smirked.
"Haha," Lorenzo flipped him off, "I already know I'm an asshole. Francis and Gilbert put up with my shit far too much. I'm lucky to work for my soulmates."
Oh, so that's who his two were.
"I'm sure they love you too," Antonio said.
"Can you just be honest and tell me I'm a fucking asshole? You're a grown man in his thirties too! Just tell me what you think and quit pitying me or whatever because my brother likes you."
Antonio sat there and quickly stood up, "Fine, you want to know what I think of you? You're an asshole. The biggest asshole I have ever met in my life! Like damn! What waiter in his thirties just insults his customer and gets bitchy when he snaps back? You're so damn rude and you really need to learn when to shut up and what not to say."
Lorenzo nodded, looking down, "See, not that hard-"
"But I also think you're amazing. You're hardworking, the fact that you are willing to do much for your brother shows that. The fact that you got pissed when I didn't text you or bring him back like I was supposed to. You love him and he looks up to you and I don't understand how you can sit here and feed me some bullshit logic about you not deserving love when this is only the second day I've really known you and you've amazed me with how much this little boy right here adores you. You know he brought you a flower? We were in the park and the first thing he thought of when he found a flower was how much you'd love it. So don't sit here and tell me that you don't deserve what you have. You do. You just need to stop being an asshole."
Lorenzo stared at him blankly for a moment, mouth falling open for a moment. He only let out croaks and eventually a small hiccup.
"Point is," Antonio sat down next to him, "This kid loves you with his entire being and if he does, then how bad can you be?"
Lorenzo nodded, picking Feli up, embracing him, "You know, he really is the greatest thing. Our dad died when he was five and so did our grandpa so he doesn't remember much about them. But last year, we were at the zoo and he called me 'Dad'. It was a slip up, but oh man. I broke down in tears right there because I didn't feel I deserved his love. I'm hardly a brother. I'm just the mess clinging to keep him here with me. But, ever since, he's called me 'Big Brother' constantly as if to comfort me and I just can barely hold in my tears sometimes. I don't know what I'd do without him."
"Even rude waiters deserve love," Antonio said.
Lorenzo rolled his eyes again, standing up and grabbing Feliciano's things, "Thank you for watching him. He really had a good time."
"Anytime. He's a good kid. He's just got a good brother who needs to learn some common courtesy."
"You're never gonna let that go, are you?" Lorenzo asked as he walked out the door.
Antonio shook his head, fingers making an X over his chest. "Never will. Cross my heart."
"Whatever," Lorenzo said, nearly closing the door before quickly stopping and digging into his pocket, "I almost forgot. Francis found your wallet the day after. Maybe if you had called like I asked you would have had it sooner."
Lorenzo was smirking, a glint in his eyes.
Antonio chuckled and leaned against the doorframe, "Well, how about I kick past the calling part and just ask you right now if you'd like to go out sometime?"
"I'll have to check my schedule. Many other whorish gay men who don't call back love to ask me out," Lorenzo teased.
Antonio rolled his eyes this time, "When are you free?"
"Thursdays and Sundays."
"Then I'll see you Thursday at six,"
"Promise?" Lorenzo asked, "You won't just leave me hanging?"
Antonio made the X over his heart once more, "Cross my heart."
They sat there, hands intertwined as the stars glittered above them.
"You know, when you said dinner, I didn't imagine you meant making it and taking me on a picnic out this late," Lorenzo laughed, pushing his curly brown hair back.
Antonio snorted, "You have either really low or really high expectations of me."
Lorenzo laughed again, covering his mouth before popping another one of the meatballs Antonio had made in his mouth.
Antonio watched him from where he lay, the most adoring look on his face. The stars couldn't compare to the light that suddenly filled his life in a way he could not understand at all. This man was awful. He was immature and loud-mouthed. He acted like he was a teenager despite being thirty-two. But oh, if he said he didn't want to hold him and kiss him, he would have been lying.
"You know. I always thought that finding your soulmate was supposed to be something you just knew and that even before you got it confirmed, you'd just know. That would be it. A pretty girl or an ugly one. Handsome man or hideous. You'd just know."
"Yeah." Lorenzo nodded.
"But, if I'm being honest, I thought that for so many people. I told myself I loved a girl and then I told myself I loved this man. And in the end, they would find their soulmate after a drunken night and I'd just, I'd just be here."
Lorenzo rolled over onto his stomach, looking at Antonio through his messed up hair, "Is that why you slept around?"
He was quiet, hesitant, slow. Almost not finishing his sentence.
"Yes." Antonio squeezed his hand tighter, "For fifteen years, I've told myself I sleep around because not having a soulmate is liberating. And there was never anything wrong with it. I would stay safe and I enjoyed it. I get checked to make sure I'm clean. Yet, every time I left, I felt so empty and stoic. I felt like I made a mistake and sometimes I scratched at my arms wanting to be something other than a common whore."
Lorenzo looked at him and lay down on his chest, sucking in his cheek, "There's nothing wrong with sleeping around. Some people aren't looking for love but want sex. Nothing wrong with that. Francis was a stripper for that reason. But when you do want love and you do want a soulmate—then sleeping around does nothing but tear you apart because it reminds you of what you're trying to gain and what you're failing to do."
"Yeah," Antonio croaked, swallowing back the lump in his throat and blinking away the tears in his eyes, "I just, I hate, I hate-"
"You hate feeling like you can't be loved," Lorenzo finished, "I know the feeling. I slept around a lot too. And it was fine until I realized how much I longed to be loved. Then Feli came along and I decided that he was all the love I needed. But you, you're worse. You're lost in your lies. You're telling yourself you don't want or need love, but everything about you screams a lonely man seeking for that."
"What do you know about me, rude waiter?" he asked with a laugh, the tears falling and trickling down.
Lorenzo sat up again, right above Antonio. He shook his head and put one hand on Antonio's chest, "I know you are excellent with kids. And apparently, don't mind that I have one. That's weird for a middle-aged man who sleeps around."
"Kids are great. Never thought I'd be around one a lot but I don't mind the idea so much now," he admitted.
Silence. It was only broken by the sound of some stray cat rustling in the bushes. But Antonio and Lorenzo? They stayed admiring the other for a million half-moments.
Lorenzo was the one who started leaning down first.
"Promise me you're not just trying to get in my pants," he asked, half-lidded eyes filled with pain and agony he could practically taste. The way they swirled with brown and green anger that festered and boiled, only being cooled by the harsh gold that topped off that icy feeling he got.
Antonio put one hand to his cheek, gently outlining Lorenzo's face, one thumb going gently over his lips while his eyes followed.
They flickered up.
Lorenzo sealed it.
Dark brown curls got tangled in each other as Lorenzo clung to Antonio like he was his breath of life and Antonio clung to him as if he'd wake up and find that he was still next to his last one night stand rather than here. Rather than with him. Rather than under the stars, kissing a man he hated just a little bit before.
"Cross my heart."
The more Antonio got to know Lorenzo, Francis, Gilbert, and little Feliciano, the more he found himself drawn to them more and more. The nights out at bars has long since ended and his sorrowful nights questioning why he got so upset over having not had a single soulmate ended.
It started with Gilbert. After he and Lorenzo had gone on their first date, he pulled him aside to talk to him one day when Antonio was headed to pick up Feliciano.
"You know, Francis will strangle you if you hurt Lore, right?"
"I know," he had replied.
"I'm not kidding. And it won't be nice either. He'll use his outfits from when he was still a stripper."
Antonio had choked.
The two talked for hours on end on Antonio's next day available. Quickly, they got along and a week later, when Antonio was found having a mental breakdown rather than going out with he and Francis as had been planned. There were a million things he poured out to Gilbert that he didn't dare tell Lorenzo.
And he listened.
And listened
And listened.
And when Antonio seemed to fall asleep in his arms, Gilbert took a look at his chest, seeing a new name right below Lorenzo's name. He smiled gently and didn't notice Antonio was awake, staring at his chest, then curling in to look at his own.
Gilbert Beilschmidt
It was in golden letters. Antonio's thorns were beginning to get plucked away.
Then it was Francis.
"You insulted him for what reason? He was doing his job, Lorenzo!"
Anger. Fire. Hatred.
"Don't act like he was innocent, flirting with you and you not even noticing! Even Feliciano saw it! You really want to do that while he's there?"
Wrath. Hurt. Passion.
"Don't you bring him into this! That doesn't change the fact that you nearly sent him into a mental breakdown! God, Lorenzo, grow up! You are thirty-two years old! Stop acting like such an asshole and grow up; you're not eighteen years old anymore. Act your age and be a better example for Feliciano."
"I thought we weren't supposed to bring him into this? And what? You think I'm not a good example for him? You think I'm a terrible role model and brother?"
Anger. Anger. Anger. Oh, why had he said it?
"Don't you put words in my mouth! Is it too much to ask for you to stop being an asshole? That's exactly how you treated me when we first met, but at least I wasn't willing to put up with your shit!"
No. Antonio. No. Breathe.
"Then why do you put up with it now?"
No….
"You're right," he had scoffed, "Why do I? I'm thirty-five; I don't have time to raise two children."
Lorenzo walked out.
He pushed too far, shoved his anger out. He sobbed to Francis, crying out about how much he loved both Feliciano and Lorenzo and regret what he had said. But, part of him still believed he was right. Three days and Francis brought him lots of treats his way and made sure to check on him even through Lorenzo refused to talk to him or listen to his apology. Though, it wasn't a very good one, so nobody blamed him.
After the fourth day, Francis picked Antonio up for "lunch" and took him to restaurant that was very nice and cozy. Though, it had an odd romantic feeling to it. Antonio hadn't understood why until Lorenzo came through the front door and was sat down with Antonio.
Needless to say, the lunch started out terrible. Lorenzo refused to talk to Antonio. Antonio refused to admit he was wrong as much as he adored the man. Both didn't even look at each other. Neither wanted to be the one to apologize.
Then he thought of Feliciano. Sweet little Feliciano who he would do anything for and how much some silly fight wasn't worth it. So he apologized. He apologized for the things he said out of anger and the fight he had started. He apologized for everything that he had done to hurt him and before he could apologize any more, Lorenzo kissed him.
"Promise me you're not just saying that.." he was pleading, "Promise me you care."
Antonio kissed his nose, "Cross my heart."
"I'm sorry too," Lorenzo whispered, "I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it. You weren't flirting back and I acted like such a kid."
Lorenzo just shook his head as he tried to come up with words to express everything. Words to pardon him from his cruel treatment and childish attitude. Yet nothing.
Antonio was much the same. For a while they both just sat there crying with their foreheads pressed together. What else was there to say?
"I love you."
"I love you too, rude waiter." Antonio laughed softly, kissing Lorenzo gently.
From the corner, he saw his friend with a smirk on his face. That was when he felt it.
Francis Bonnefoy
Right under Gilbert's name.
The questions started after that. If he truly loved Lorenzo, then weren't they meant to be soulmates?
If he had Francis and Gilbert's name across his chest, then didn't he and Lorenzo deserve to be together the same? Surely he had not fallen in love with Lorenzo and grown to accept Feliciano as his own only to find out that they were not meant to be.
The thoughts, oh how they ate away at him. They mocked him and laughed at his misery and prayers to have Lorenzo Vargas engraved on his chest.
Lorenzo..Lorenzo...Lorenzo
His sweet beloved Lorenzo. When would his name go on his chest?
Lorenzo...Lorenzo...Lorenzo….
Sweet. Handsome. Wonderful…
Lorenzo
"Ugh, why did I marry a Prussian? I have such low standards," Francis sipped at his wine, his chest revealed from that shirt that was hardly buttoned up at all. It gave perfect view for the golden cursive letters to show.
Antonio Fernandez Carriedo
He could feel Lorenzo glaring at the letters before squeezing Antonio's hand hard.
"You think you have low standards? I met you a bachelor party and you gave me a lap dance," Gilbert scoffed, "And you're French. Barely a step above Austrian. Not worth it."
Antonio was grateful that his shirt was buttoned up properly, hiding his name that was right under Lorenzo's.
"You both have pathetic standards. Gilbert looks like a rat's ass and Francis loves wine more than he loves dick," Lorenzo laughed, his grip still tight on Antonio's hand.
All of them laughed and Antonio just smiled, sipping at his wine.
"Did you honestly meet like that?" he snorted, hoping to move himself to a more positive attitude.
"Of course. He gave me a second-rate lap dance too. Truly not worth it," Gilbert scoffed, getting a shove from Francis, "But he's my soulmate, so I guess I don't really get a say. Now we own a restaurant and he's still out here looking like a stripper."
"Excuse me, you said you liked my fishnets."
"Excuse me, I just need a moment," Antonio finally said, "I'm feeling a bit sick."
The table went silent and only Francis spoke.
"Of course."
He left, biting on his lip hard hoping to stop the sudden tears from pouring. Once he hit the crisp air outside, he collapsed, breaking down in tears and covering his face. Why was he still so upset? Wasn't this all he had wanted in life? One soulmate? He had two! Two! So why did he get to complain and cry? He had two platonic soulmates who loved him with all their hearts.
"You okay there, dummy?"
Antonio looked up at Lorenzo. Those eyes, so full of love.
"Can we talk?"
"Of course, Anto, you know we always can."
Antonio wiped his tears away with his sleeve, biting down on his thumb shortly after, "Do you remember when we first met, you insulted my clothes and I insulted you back?"
"How could I ever forget?" Lorenzo asked, "You made me so angry but I thought you were so attractive. Gilbert made fun of me the entire night for being such a bitch."
Antonio laughed, taking his hand and holding it tight. There was so much he wished he could find the words to say, but he struggled and he had little idea of what to do at all.
"Remember when I snapped at you?"
Lorenzo's expression shifted and he looked at Antonio confused, "Is something wrong?"
"Do you think we belong together?"
The wind seemed to stop blowing.
Lorenzo seemed to stop breathing, sliding away from Antonio, "W-What?"
Antonio didn't dare look at him, "Do you think we belong together?"
Lorenzo stared up at him, eyes beginning to flood. Sniffling, he hugged himself, still just staring at Antonio with wide hazel eyes that bore a million questions, "Of course I do, Anto. You're-You..you make me happy. Why would you ask that?"
Antonio closed his eyes, too afraid to look at Lorenzo; he didn't want to see the pain he was bringing him right now, "Then why aren't we soulmates? Why do I have Francis and Gilbert's names on my chest and not yours? Why not you even though I love you so much. I know what you mean to me so why is it that I can't find your name there? Why aren't you there?"
Lorenzo began to shake, his sniffles turning into sobs, "I-I don't know. But I know that I love you and you love me and isn't that all that should matter?"
"What if your soulmate is waiting out there?" he asked quickly, finally opening his eyes only to regret it.
Lorenzo was wiping his nose with the tissues he always carried in his bag, eyes pooling over endlessly and all of his tears collecting on his hands that were gripping on to the bench, "I don't care! I don't want some other soulmate, Anto."
But he couldn't, he refused to do that to him. He refused to rob him of someone who could love him..love Feli...love them more than he ever could. There was someone else, someone better, someone waiting for Lorenzo to show up and steal their heart just like he stole his.
"But that's how it's supposed to be. Feliciano and you deserve your actual soulmate, not some whore you met one crappy night."
"Anto, please," Lorenzo was clinging to him now, their foreheads pressed together. He wasn't sure what was worse, his miserable hiccups or the way he pleaded in English and Italian for him to stay, "You promised."
"Please Lorenzo," Antonio sighed, standing up and breaking from Lorenzo's grip, "I'm so sorry. I made a million promises I guess I couldn't keep," he sniffled, "And now I regret them because I'm hurting you."
"Then don't leave!" Lorenzo begged, reaching out for Antonio, "Please Anto, please don't leave."
The tears collected in his own eyes and he shook his head, covering his mouth for a moment, "I promised you so much, Lorenzo. I'm so sorry I couldn't give it to you. But look at you. You're so wonderful and smart and absolutely amazing, I know your soulmate will love you."
With one last kiss to his head, Antonio left.
Lorenzo cried alone on the bench until Francis and Gilbert found him.
The rule of soulmates was that you both knew who they were when you realized you loved them and what they meant to you. Antonio supposed he didn't get one because Lorenzo was gone and he was all that he had ever wanted.
Days had passed and he never quite allowed himself to let go. His dreams played to the music of Lorenzo's laughter as he cooked a meal and saw Antonio getting his nails painted by Feliciano. His free days were spent touching the spot next to his bed where Lorenzo had spent many nights with Feliciano cuddled between them
Hours would pass and he'd see only that beautiful hazel twinkle of mischief and hear his sharp words that had become so confident and amusing rather than irritating and rude.
Two months had passed and Antonio still sat on his bed wondering what life would have been like if soulmates never existed. He pondered it night after night and eventually decided life would have been better.
He would be holding Lorenzo, kissing his cheeks until they turned red and his own lips chapped. He would embrace Feliciano and play for hours with him in some pillow fort they made with a "No Lorenzos Allowed" sign hanging right outside (Antonio would break the rules to steal a kiss).
And of course, the night haunted him for ages. The night and Lorenzo's pleads and cries for him to stay; his tears especially. Every time he thought about it it sent him into a shutdown. His mind knew that Lorenzo was found, but it refused to accept it.
Francis talked to him first.
"He loved you, you know that? Feli too. Both miss you terribly."
"I need to do this for him."
"You don't. He adores you, that's all that matters."
"What do you know about what matters, Francis? You're an ex-stripper running a restaurant with your soulmate! You don't know a thing about what matters or what I feel!"
The way he looked at him, he could have sworn he saw anger flicker in those hurt eyes. The heartbreak. Antonio didn't know what to tell him. He broke up for the best. He and Lorenzo weren't soulmates and the longer he denied that the more it hurt to break it off in the end.
Gilbert talked to him after, asking him if he was sure about the choice he made.
"Of course I am," he snapped, "It hurt me just as bad, but it's for the best!"
"Antonio, man. I may know it hurts to let go of things, but the fact that he is hurt too and both of you are hurting for the same reason says otherwise."
"Then why isn't here there?" Antonio screamed, "Why isn't he right under Francis' name? Why is it after so long together we still don't get each other on our chests? His soulmate is waiting for him and I'm just holding him back!"
Gilbert gripped his shoulders, "That's what you tell yourself, Antonio! That's something you've put in your head, man! Why the hell would you drag him down? Lorenzo loves you and adores you. Don't even get me started on the way Feliciano admires you. You cannot stand here and tell me that they are being held back when you've filled their lives with so much light.
Antonio shook his head as he covered his face, "You didn't answer my question. Why isn't he right under Francis' name?"
Gilbert fell silent and shrugged, his hands slapping the side of his leg hard. Eventually, he covered his eyes, just grumbling a bit. How was he to convince Antonio of anything?
"Look, I dunno. I really don't, Toni. I dunno a lot of things. But you cannot keep hiding away in misery and making yourself feel like crap about this. It's not fair to anyone, especially not to yourself."
Antonio didn't reply. He didn't even look at Gilbert. He just avoided his eyes for so long. He was rotting away. Everything from the way he lay around to the way he avoided openness indicated it. Antonio just stood there even now. His eyes glazed and his heart locked away from ever being touched by anyone, especially his friends.
Gilbert sighed, slinging his bag around his shoulder, "Whatever, Toni. It's not my life I'm fucking up."
That had been days ago. Yet his words still stung him. They kissed his chest and laughed at him whenever he thought of Lorenzo.
"Promise me you won't hurt me."
"Cross my heart"
His own promises stabbed him in the back and laughed at his misery, sucking from his sorrows and leaving him too drained to do anything but work.
Maybe that was how it was. The ones who desired love more than anything never got a soulmate, not even when they found someone they desired to call theirs. They just suffered and wasted away.
"Promise you're gonna be there to see me ride my first big bike!"
"Cross my heart."
Antonio pulled at his hair and shot himself up, wanting nothing more than to turn to dust. Why? Why? Why him? Why Lorenzo? Why did he have to meet him and desire him? Why couldn't he just have continued hating him and let it be that? Why did he get attached to Feli? Why was it that even now as he begged and pleaded for God to remove his heart so he would never have to feel again, he was in oh so much misery?
His sniffles filled the room, the tissues on the ground turning into a mountain. Antonio fell back on his bed, eyes puffy and his joy disappearing.
"Why did you have to do this? Why did you make me love him if he wasn't going to be soulmate?" he asked God, miserable croaks escaping him as he stared at the picture of he, Lorenzo, and Feliciano at the zoo.
He smiled at it, the pain in his heart only growing. He wished he could turn back the clock to that day. Nothing had mattered then. There was only Lorenzo and Feliciano and nothing else. There was just his happiness and it didn't matter that they weren't soulmates-
Antonio finally sat up, sniffling a bit more as he reached for a tissue. Moses parted the seas of his mind and suddenly he saw everything ahead of him and understood for once. Stumbling out of bed, he ran to the dresser the picture sat on and he clutched it close.
That was it wasn't it?
From where he stood, he couldn't figure out if the evening would end well or in flames. Still, he rang the doorbell and waited.
No answer.
He sucked his cheek in and stared at the ground, ringing it again.
This time it opened. And there stood little Feliciano, still as small and wide-eyed as ever. He broke into an immediate smile and hugged Antonio the best he could.
"Antonio! You're back!"
He quickly pulled him by the hand inside, causing him to stumble. One look at the place and Antonio could feel all of his anxiety piling up and driving him to the point he couldn't hear.
"Lore is at the store buying eggs so we can make cookies but he'll be back soon!" Feliciano chirped. He hugged Antonio again, this time crying a little, "I missed you so much..Big Brother said you weren't coming back."
Antonio felt his heart sink and he embraced Feliciano, trying his best not to cry himself, "I wasn't going to and for that, I am so sorry, chiquito. I am so so sorry. You and Lorenzo are so important to me and I can't apologize enough for hurting you two."
Feliciano sniffled, not letting go, "Promise you won't leave again, Big Brother."
"Cross my heart," Antonio whispered softly, tears trickling down his face as he held him, "Cross my heart and hope to die. I won't leave again."
That was enough for Feli, he just burst into more tears, not knowing how to control any of it. His tiny body shook from hiccups and choked back tears. Antonio could have held him there forever. This sweet little lily who gave him all of his love. How could he have ever thought of living a single day without seeing him again? How could he have ever thought he could live a single day without seeing Lorenzo again? His Lorenzo. The tiger lily that he gazed at with admiration and the one he wanted to protect like nothing else. These two beautiful flowers.
How could he try to leave after knowing them?
"Antonio…?"
He let go of Feliciano.
"Hi, Lorenzo."
"What do you want? Did you leave something?" he asked bitterly.
"No, Lorenzo, I wanted to talk. To apologize," he said.
Feliciano scoot back while Lorenzo stepped forward, placing his grocery bags down, "Feli, go to your room, please. I need to talk to Antonio alone."
He nodded and quickly ran off. Lorenzo gestures to Antonio to sit. His face was hard, eyes glossy and empty as they stared at him. What happened to that light he always saw when their eyes met? Was it his fault it burned out? Had he put out that light.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked. Though, Antonio knew he really didn't want to hear it.
He pursed his lips, "I, I wanted to talk about our break up. I'm sorry, Lorenzo. I shouldn't have cut you off like that."
"But you did."
If his words had been knives, Antonio would have been bleeding out from the way they stabbed and twisted in him.
"And that was the worst mistake I ever made. Lorenzo, I'm so sorry for hurting you and hurting Feliciano. I'm so sorry for leaving, but I'm asking for another chance."
"Why should I give you one?" he snapped, taking a step back from Antonio, "Why should I? After you dumped me in the middle of a date? After you left Feliciano crying because he thought he did something wrong? Why on Earth should I forgive you after what you did?" Lorenzo was the one in tears now, he wiped his own tears, laughing towards the ceiling, "Give me a reason! And don't give me some cheesy 'Because I love you' bullshit. I want an actual answer!"
He shrugged and put his arms up, "I don't have one. Because there is none. You're right, I was an ass and what I did wasn't okay at all. I hurt you way too much. I hurt Feli. But I made a mistake and I see that now. I see that I was selfish and I was cold. So I'm begging you for at least a chance to be in your and Feliciano's life again."
Lorenzo crumpled up, collapsing on the ground and clutching his arms and not daring look up less he cry more or just shut down completely, "I thought that you said we couldn't because—you know—we're not soulmates?"
Heaven could have crumbled and the Earth shattered completely. He could have had his hands sliced off and the world could have been on fire, but it would not have mattered. Even if he were turning to dust, nothing mattered but Lorenzo.
Wonderful, fulfilling, perfect Lorenzo.
Standing up, he walked over and sat himself down right next to him, placing his hands on his lap, "I don't care."
The world stopped and all that existed was Antonio and Lorenzo. There was no night to worry about or work the next morning. There were no bills to pay and no fears that brought agony. No. Everything was like a bed of power petals.
"How can you not care, you said it yourself, we're not soulmates. Isn't that what you wanted? A soulmate to love?"
"Once," Antonio said, "But not anymore."
Lorenzo stared up at him, his eyes wide and brows furrowed. Antonio reached to hug him but hesitated. Still, Lorenzo stared up at him questioning those words that sounded so foreign from his lips.
"Lorenzo," Antonio whispered, "I don't care. I don't care if you're not my soulmate and I don't care that we may never have each other's name on over our heart. I don't care, Lorenzo. I love you, that is all that matters to me. And if we never end up being soulmates, I don't care. I want you, not anyone else; only you."
Lorenzo's hands went up and held onto Antonio's shoulders. The tears falling on his face could not compare to the frozen expression on his face. The way he let out the tension in his shoulders and stopped clenching his jaw. From how he sat up straight rather than crumpled up.
He wished he could turn back the clock to a time before he pushed him away. But that was not an option. So instead he'd fix it. Every part of Lorenzo, his sarcastic words, the love in his heart, his hardworking nature—he loved it all. He loved the nights they would sit under the stars and he loved cooking with him on lazy afternoons off. He loved that he made him laugh and that he was stubborn. He loved how easily excited he got at the zoo. But most of all, Antonio loved that this man touched him where people had been far too scared to look.
"Do you mean it?" he asked in a hushed whisper.
"Of course I do, "Antonio said, "I love you. You're creative, determined, selfless, ambitious, and so much more. Lorenzo, how could I not love you and want you? Soulmate or not, you're the love of my life and nothing will change that."
"Even if we're never soulmates?"
"Even if we're never soulmates."
Lorenzo's eyes lit up and he could have sworn he was looking at the sunset rather than two pools of hazel.
And before he could ask another question or give a million more excuses as to why he was lying, Antonio kissed him. And he kissed him, and he kissed him.
Breaking away, Lorenzo buried his face in his shoulder, not wanting to let go. Antonio didn't mind, he never wanted to let go again.
"Promise you won't leave if we're never soulmates," he asked, still so afraid.
Antonio could only smile faintly as he cupped his face in his hands. He removed one and made an X over his chest like he had done a million times before.
"Cross my heart."