What We Keep Is Not Always What Will Stay
Disclaimer : I do not own Kuroko no Basuke nor the characters. Tadatoshi Fujimaki is the rightful owner of this manga and characters.
Notes : This is a submission for basketballpoetsociety's rarepairs challenge. So I present you the combination of my two favorite pairings 8D
Himuro Tatsuya was very aware that he was the one who abolished his own chance, who damned the probability of his own happiness. He was the one who started their relationship and he was also the one who tainted and finally broke it with frustration, anger, envy, jealousy, selfishness, momentary resentment, and repressed lust. He was the one who pulled him inside his life then tried to push him away as far as he could. He was the one who ran away.
The cheap metallic ring that was hanging on his neck was a slice of hope and a painful reminder, happy memories and broken promises, betrayal and unspoken apology. It was his night ritual to squeeze that ring until it left red mark on his palm and muttered silent prayer. However, this ritual seemed to affect his dream too because almost every night he would wake up with cold sweats and tears on his eyes.
His nightmares were usually revolved around the same thing but it never got better, ever. Once, he dreamed about how he climbed a wall but kept falling down when he almost reached the top. Kagami was standing on top, looking at Himuro with pity and disappointment then shook his head before finally left him alone to rot and die. Another time, he dreamed about how Kagami was standing right in front of him, his back facing Himuro. He just needed to walk a single step and he could reach him but no matter how hard he tried to walk or how fast he tried to run, he never reached him. He shouted Kagami's name over and over again, as loud as he could until he could feel his own voice became hoarse and his throat sore. Kagami never turned around. Sometimes, it was just a scene of him punching Kagami from back then and the look on the red-headed boy's eyes when he did so which was repeated for countless times like a broken record while the voices from their childhood memories mixed into the scene.
He already tried to forget everything and leave everything behind since the time he stepped his foot on Japan for the first time after so many years. He even tried to throw away his ring or bury it somewhere but it was attached to him like super glue and Himuro reapplied the glue every day. Playing basketball didn't help at all because it was the embodiment of his hope to play with Kagami like in the old days, when it was fun to play basketball with him. He tried to find happiness somewhere else. He agreed to date his junior that was also his teammate when that person confessed to him, which Himuro admitted was very cute and just so like him. He thought if he was loved by someone else, he would forget his first love, he would finally be happy. It only made a new feeling crept its way out to his heart, the feeling of guilt. It made him yearned for his little brother's love more. It made him sick. It made him hated himself more than before.
He almost went into a laughter fit when he saw Kagami again on the street basketball competition. Mother Nature answered his prayer in the most twisted way possible.
"Himuro Tatsuya!". The ring on his neck suddenly felt like a thousand needles pricking his chest. His nightmares suddenly repeated itself inside his head. At that time, he really wanted to break the chain of his necklace because even the metallic chain seemed to burn his skin and even clenched his gut tightly with the chain. He wanted to throw up.
"Taiga…?! I never expected to see you here. What a surprise!"
"You don't look surprised at all. Still wearing a poker face?" It amazed him how Kagami's voice has changed since their last meeting but it still sounded familiar, nostalgic even.
"I'm not trying to hide my feeling. I'm just expressing them in my own way." Lies. Lies. Lies. Liar! He could practically hear the screams inside his head.
It was like a punch to his gut when he saw Kagami's expression after Himuro claimed that he was Kagami's big brother in front of his teammates. How Kagami used to grin so widely whenever he introduced Himuro as his brother and vice versa. An expression that he would never see again, at least not toward him.
He blew up his chance that day. His ego was still there and Kagami's look when Himuro showed him a glimpse of Miracle Shot was enough to make him want to win their upcoming match on winter. For him, if he won, he would finally be able to climb up the wall from his nightmare, he would finally be able to reach Kagami. He prayed for victory from that night onward.
On the night when Yosen lost to Seirin, Himuro was very aware that he probably just lost his last and only chance to reconcile with Kagami. Only then he realized that he was practically plunged himself into one of the dark hole he once dreamed, the one where there was only him there, the one where he could hear the noises from his head mocking him and forced him to remember the fact that he would never be good enough. That night, he prayed for a last final chance, a tiny spark of hope.
Murasakibara Atsushi didn't know what else he had to do. Was trying to love basketball and practice harder than he used to be wasn't enough? Was showering him with love, in his own way, wasn't enough? Was trying to make him happy wasn't enough? Did he have to be Kagami Taiga?
Himuro was staring intently at his mobile phone screen, holding it tighter than it should, the taller male noticed. They were still in front of the basketball court and Himuro seemed to be fixated to the wall. Really, these days Murasakibara just wanted to take the phone and snapped it into half but he didn't want to be punched again, thank you very much. Actually, a punch wouldn't be too bad if it could make Himuro stop looking at his phone like it was the matter of life or death, which probably was to him.
"Muro-chin, you promised me you will buy me that sundae from the new ice cream shop if I go to practice today. I'm hungry now." he said as he hugged the other male from behind.
Himuro quickly flipped back his phone and shoved it sloppily to his right pants pocket as if he hid something, something he didn't want Murasakibara to see. He shouldn't bother really. Murasakibara knew what was displayed on the screen for quite a while, a series of numbers. It didn't need a genius to figure out whose phone number was that. It was also obvious that the raven-haired male already memorized those numbers by heart.
What he actually wanted to know was how Himuro knew that number. How did he get it? Was it from his ex-teammate whose email was asked by Himuro months ago? Damn, he knew he shouldn't have given it to him even if the said person's eyes looked so desperate. In the end, his attempt to make Himuro, at least a little bit, happier only made him fell deeper into despair.
"Sorry Atsushi. Let's go to the parlor now, shall we?" Himuro looked up and smiled as he gave Murasakibara gentle pats on the head. Another plastic smile, Murasakibara noticed. It took some time and observant eyes to realize that Himuro rarely smiled because he was happy. It was all just a mask he built and thickened for many years and Murasakibara wanted to crack it open. He was sure that Himuro's true and happy smile would the most beautiful thing he would ever see.
The Gods granted his wish but maybe he should have been more specific. On Murasakibara's second summer at Yosen, he finally saw Himuro being happy, very happy to be precise. His smile was radiant and his eyes were just full of hope and joy. He could even hear the happiness in his voice. It stunned Murasakibara for a moment and he almost smiled back before he realized that he hadn't done anything that could be the reason why Himuro was happy.
"Why do you look so happy in the morning, Muro-chin? Did your parents send you another jar of pickles?"
Himuro laughed. "Hey, Atsushi, what do you think about going to Tokyo together next weekend?"
Oh. Oh. He should have known already. The only thing that could make Himuro happy was Kagami. He wanted to say no but Himuro promised him that it would be fun. It wasn't. Even Kagami gave him a weird look when he noticed that Himuro didn't come alone. Himuro and Kagami's chat switched between English and Japanese. Himuro would sometimes ask for Murasakibara's opinions but it still made him like the third wheel. When the trio reached Maji Burger, he excused himself to buy some snacks from the shop. On their way back to Akita, Himuro muttered a thank you that almost overlapped by the noisy chatters inside the train.
Murasakibara, in one way or another, understood why Himuro asked him to go with him whenever he went to Tokyo. Himuro was afraid that he would do something wrong and his relationship with Kagami would fall apart again. He needed Murasakibara to be there if he did something wrong. Murasakibara openly said that he didn't like Kagami and Himuro only answered him with a squeeze to his hand and an apologetic smile.
His Muro-chin was slipping away from him. Most of the time, Himuro went to Tokyo by himself and sometimes spent a night there. "It has been forever since the last time we had a sleepover." he said. Once, he even asked Murasakibara to have a sleepover together with Kagami which he flatly refused. Himuro would forget about him as soon as he met Kagami like usual or he would finally remember that he took another person with him near the end of their meeting. He would say sorry to Murasakibara through snacks and kisses later. Murasakibara understood that Himuro no longer need him there, it hurts, but he understood.
"Muro-chin, do you even actually love me?" A question that Murasakibara wanted to ask to his boyfriend but he knew that if he asked that he would lose the right to claim Himuro as his. So, he only asked, "Can I have my snack now?"