I might have projected a bit of myself to Shinya...
Rated mature because it might be triggering for people with depression.
It's strange, what desire can hold onto your soul, giving no room to breathe.
Like an abyss, drowning you deep in wants.
He has been living—surviving in the world which doesn't want him to. For so long. His need to live, to be alive even if he has to kill for it.
To pretend, smiling, being in a room of people. Those who won't hesitate to kill him if they need to.
But Shinya, thinks that desire won't get him anywhere.
Desire is what made him to be a puppet after all. Desire to live, refusing to die in the first place.
Now, he feels most of the days, like a decoration in this apocalyptic world.
Sometimes, he stares at Guren doing menial tasks.
Snoring between piles of reports he has to sign. His dark head bends on the table, a paper sticks to his cheek as he drools. Completely disregarding the reports he has to give to Kureto later that day.
Shinya chuckles. "Guren, wake up." He pokes his shoulder, to which Guren groaned.
"Go away, Shinya." Guren shoves his hand away.
"Nooope~~~" Shinya pinches on the tan cheek and Guren glares at him. Not that it works, because who'll look menacing when your cheek stretched wide?
"I hate you sometimes." Guren scowles.
"Nah." Shinya disregards the slight pang in his heart. "You hate those reports. Now do it, Kureto has been giving me a pain for your procrastinating behavior."
Guren snorted, but he props on his elbow, lazily checking on the papers.
It's a companionable silence. Shinya sits beside the window, his breaths creates fog on the glass, looking at the snow landscape. Waiting for Guren to finish his reports, so they can come back to their respective homes.
Home... that's one strange word to describe the place where he sleeps, most nights in confusing dreams and nightmares.
Where he ponders long about the world he's living in.
Years ago, Shinya has promised to himself, to let go of his desires.
Because what's the point? When the world won't let him. When the world won't free him.
It's perplexing, when he realizes as much as he cries everytime one of his comrades dies, he also feels the unbridled envy. Jealousy, because they leaves the world, like all he wants to but never does.
It's a complication, between living and dying.
Which, he stays in between.
Desire is strange. Like his laughs among his comrades, and his blinking stares on the ceiling of his room.
Guren, is a strange addition in his life.
He glances at the dark haired who's struggling to keep his eyes open.
That man is strong, in his stubborness to live on.
Something, Shinya doesn't feel for a long time.
The world is a beautiful chaos, the world both he hates and adores.
Because so easy, living in the world like this to fall into desire and then, despair.
His will to live may have been gone, replaced by another,
Guren.
The person he breaks his promise for.
And it's alright. Shinya doesn't want to live. It will be liberating, if he dies.
So, for once, he accepts his feelings for the man sitting on the desk.
He hates living, but he loves—as much as he doesn't want to—Guren.
And it's enough, to desire one thing before he dies.
But he hopes, that death will come to him sooner.
Been listening to Wicked Game by London Grammar. Love that band.