HIDDEN SCARS
Author's Notes: Based on the movie Thirteen (Admittedly one of my all-time favourite movies), and written from the viewpoint of Evie Zamora. One-sided femmeslash (Evie/Tracy). I own nothing but the plot, and any flames that I receive will only keep me warm in winter.
It may be hard for anyone to believe me, but I loved her. In fact, even after what she did to me – and what I did to her – I still love Tracy Freeland. At the beginning, she was just an entertaining little toy to me. A slightly nerdy girl with pigtails and Paul Frank socks that I thought I could have a little fun in corrupting, but of course, things don't always work out the way you want or expect them to.
Maybe Tracy was a bit of a nerd before I took her under my wing the day that she came up to Astrid and myself on Melrose, her face alight with excitement as she waved a stolen purse in front of us – her first taste of our world, and she had enjoyed it – but as the days, and the weeks went by, I found myself becoming strangely attached to her in a way that I had never felt before and couldn't really explain.
Then there was the night that I sneaked out of her room to have sex with KK and when I came back, I saw the bloodstains on her sleeve. I immediately knew what she had done, and as I gently stroked the dried blood on her sleeve, I could feel my own scars burning and itching. I was a cutter too, but had the logic to cut where scars could be more easily hidden. It was that night that I told her I loved her. It wasn't the first time I'd ever said it to anyone, her included, but it was definitely the first time I had meant it. I felt Tracy's pain although I wasn't sure exactly why she had done what she did. I never asked her for an explanation either, but I spent many nights lying awake as she slept a troubled sleep, stroking and kissing the scars covered by the long sleeves of her pyjama top.
It wasn't just the fact that I was in love that drew me to Tracy. There was also to the fact that because of her, I managed to find something that I had never really managed to find in all of my thirteen years. A family. Sure, they were on the dysfunctional side, but to be honest, those four months that I lived with Tracy and her family were the best months of my life. I didn't have to lie awake at night, waiting and worrying about a so-called carer or their partner creeping into my room to molest me. Mel actually seemed to care about where I was going and what I was doing, unlike Brooke, whose primary interests included her pathetic excuse for a modeling/acting career and her boyfriends. There were fights between family members of course, but they were mostly verbal and never escalated to past incidents that I had been subjected to, such as being pushed into a fire or thrown against a van. Then after Tracy and I talked to her, Mel even agreed to consider adopting me and I don't think I had ever been so happy in my life. I genuinely thought that finally, I had found a family, people that truly cared about my well-being and would maybe even grow to love me as time went by.
Then I learnt that only a fool believes that there are people out there who genuinely give a shit about anyone apart from themselves. Not long after we talked to Mel about adoption, she drove us to Brooke's place and revealed that not only was she not going to adopt me, they didn't want me around anymore. I thought maybe Tracy would put up a fight over this whole incident, say something in my defence because we were supposed to be friends, but she didn't and I felt like my whole world was starting to crumble and fall apart before my very eyes. Blindly, I ran through the house and outside where I started to cry, my face pressed against a wall as I tried so hard to deny that none of this was happening. Tracy appeared out of the corner of my eye, and for a moment I thought that maybe she would offer some words of consolation, maybe take me in her arms and try to stop my tears, but all she did was slowly back away like I was diseased or delusional, and it was in that moment that two things were broken; Our friendship, and my heart.
I would be lying if I said that I had no remorse for my actions towards her after that day. Of course I feel remorse, I'm human. But I also feel other things, such as justification in my actions because she betrayed me first, and I wanted her – and to a certain extent, Mel also – to feel the pain they had caused me. I wanted them to know how it felt for their worlds to crumble and fall apart before their very eyes because a person they loved betrayed them.
I know that Tracy and Mel will most likely despise me for as long as they live for the things I did, long after Tracy's scars have completely faded from her arms and they have found a way to make things alright again, but something tells me that my love for Tracy won't be just fading away anytime soon, even after all that's happened and all the pain that she put me through so thoughtlessly, almost naively.
I can't really explain how or why Tracy became the first person that I ever fell in love with. To be honest if I'd had the choice I wouldn't have, especially considering all the bad shit that happened between us because we became friends, or the fact that she never really seemed to know how much I love her – If she knew at all – even after I tricked her into kissing me and spent those countless nights trying to kiss and stroke away the scars that she thought she was so clever at hiding. I guess in the end, it all boils down to the simple fact that sometimes there really isn't that much you can do when it comes to matters of fate and the heart.