This is just a completely random idea I had. It would be awesome if you could get guns in the games, though. The bombs are cool and all, but…
By the way, I set this in Twilight Princess just because I know that game best.
Zant laughed as Link stopped, shocked to see him. How'd he know I was in the Arbiter's Grounds? Link thought, unsheathing his sword.
"What, surprised?" Zant said, grinning maliciously behind his mask. He turned. "Let this hideous prison be the last thing your pathetic eyes ever see…"
He turned back and paused. Instead of seeing Link's stunned expression, he found himself staring down the massive barrel of a fifty-caliber Desert Eagle automatic.
Zant's mouth worked for a second, but no sound came out. "Where the hell did you get that?" he finally managed.
Link grinned. "You'd be really surprised what Malo sells."
Zant frowned. "Who?"
"Don't bother wondering," Link said. "It'll hurt your brain."
With that snappy one liner, he aimed the massive handgun between Zant's eyes and pulled the trigger. He was rewarded with a slight click.
Link looked at the pistol, frowning. "That's it?" he muttered.
Midna appeared from his shadow. "Didn't Malo tell you how to work that thing?" she said.
"Well…I never thought to ask." Link snapped, blushing. He looked at Zant. "Could you wait for one second? I'll have this straightened out in a bit"
"Certainly," Zant said. He stepped back, gathering his power.
Link fumbled with the pistol. "I wonder if…No, that can't work…Maybe if you…"
He pushed a button on the side. The magazine fell to the floor with a clatter. He stared at it for a second, then grabbed it, ramming it back into the gun.
Meanwhile, Zant was browsing through his repertoire of spells, trying to decide which one to nail Link with. He hummed and hawed, torn between an addition to the wolf-curse and a simple death-spell. He was just about to release the magic when Link slid the slide back, bringing a shell into the chamber.
"Here we go," Link said cheerfully, aiming the handgun at Zant's foot and test-firing it. The half-inch wide bullet sped from the barrel with a thunderous bang, smashing through the stone floor a good foot away from Zant's foot.. The recoil sent Link stumbling backwards. It was only by a strong effort of will that he stopped the barrel from hitting him in the face. "Dammit," Link muttered.
At least I figured it out, he thought. He aimed it at Zant's face once again, pulling the trigger. This time, the barrel did hit him in the face, the bullet whining harmlessly over Zant's shoulder.
Zant tapped his foot impatiently. "You done?" he scoffed.
"No!" Link replied, aiming again. The Desert Eagle boomed yet again, sending stone fragments everywhere as the chunk of lead plowed into the wall nowhere near Zant.
"Piece of shit!" Link yelled, firing again. The recoil was starting to really make his wrists ache. "Hold still!" BANG.
Zant sighed. "All right," he said, "You obviously have no idea what you're doing with that thing. Just fight with your sword!"
"No!" Link snarled. "Guns are better! They're always better!"
"They haven't even been invented yet!" Zant yelled back. "I still don't know how something that belongs in Call of Duty got into Legend of Zelda!"
"Shut UP!" Link yelled, pulling the trigger twice more. The gun bucked in his hands, the bullets again missing. He pulled the trigger again, to only be rewarded with the dreaded click.
"DAMMIT!" he screamed, removing the magazine and fumbling for spare ammunition. Midna, saying nothing, gently pinched the bridge of her nose between thumb and forefinger.
"Just use your sword!" Zant shouted, almost in tears from his stubbornness.
"Swords SUCK!" Link yelled, finally reloading the pistol. Aiming it at Zant, he squeezed the trigger seven times in rapid succession. The ping of the massive shell casings bouncing off the floor mixed with the delicate sounds of stone crumbling from the wall behind Zant.
"FUCK!" Link screamed, attempting to reload again. A search through his pockets revealed only a couple empty bottles.
Throwing the gun down in disgust, Link turned and stomped out of the room.
"Where do you think you're going?" Zant shouted after him.
Link looked back over his shoulder. "Refund!" he said.
Zant, confused, decided to just sit back and see what he brought with him later.
Much later…
Link burst back into the room, waking Zant from a very nice dream where he was eating a chicken sandwich.
"This better be damn important…" Zant growled, shaking the cobwebs from his brain.
"It is, it is!" Link said excitedly.
Midna appeared behind him, looking disgusted. "You'll never guess what he exchanged the pistol for."
Zant rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll bite," he said. "What new contraption did you get that you have no idea how to use?"
"This!" Link said.
Reaching into one of his endless pockets, Link pulled out an M134 General Electric 7.62 mm minigun. Zant stared at the fearsome firearm, lost for words. "What the hell?" he finally managed.
Link grinned wildly. "With this thing, I don't have to worry about aim! Just spray and pray!"
Zant backed up, uneasy. "Hang on, now…"
His voice was lost in the roar of the minigun. Tracer rounds sprayed from the six barrels of the huge machine gun, marking the paths of the fifty bullets that left the firearm every second. A rain of shell casings poured down, scorching Link's legs slightly with their heat. His arm went numb from the devastating rain of fire he spewed in every direction. Three seconds after he started firing, the gun fell silent, the last shell casing dropping from the chute.
Link stared down the smoking, cherry-red barrels, uncomprehending. Zant stood in front of him, completely unharmed, silhouetted by bullet holes.
"DAMMIT!" Link yelled, slamming a new ammunition belt into the gun. He pointed it in Zant's general direction, and leaned on the trigger yet again. Warmed up from his previous firing spree, the gun churned out bullets at an increased rate of ninety-five rounds per second. Link couldn't handle the almost doubled firing rate, and as a result, the barrels pulled up, sending the next two hundred rounds harmlessly into the ceiling.
Link screamed in rage, dropping the minigun and drawing his sword. Zant sighed, seeing he had finally come to his senses. He was still wondering how the guns had gotten here. Both stopped when a rumble echoed through the chamber. They looked up, to see cracks racing across the ceiling. The hundreds of thirty-caliber, armor piercing rounds Link had fired had taken their toll on the ancient structure. The entire thing collapsed, burying the chamber under tons of rock.
Link slowly got to his feet, coughing. He looked around. By some miracle, everything except the room he had been in collapsed. Zant slowly got to his feet, gazing around in a similar fashion.
"Well," Midna said. "In your attempt to prove your manliness, you've trapped us."
Link shrugged. "Now what?"
Zant searched around in his pockets. "I have cards," he suggested.
END