Captain Couch Potato
SuperHero/Villain: Villian
Summary: A day in the life of Alice and Jasper. Their daughter's a stuck up five year old, their dog suffers from depression, and all Alice wants is some quality time with her rabbit.
That sorry sack of shit, I thought. He had been home all day, but of course he couldn't be bothered to do anything. I had just pulled a twelve hour shift at the hospital and spent the night cleaning bed pans or inserting catheters into people. It wasn't as if the night at the hospital wasn't bad enough, I had to come home to the house looking like a tornado hit it. Where was my sorry excuse for a husband? Forming the indent on the new couch with his ass.
Our kids had taken up space in front of the television watching some movie that was way too old for their young minds. I heard the voices on the TV saying something about banging someones brains out, and I took a leap for the remote. Bella turned and looked at me.
"I was watching that," she snapped.
She is your child, she is your child, I kept repeating in my head. Had she not been, I probably would have snapped. I smiled at her and said, "Well, when you pay the Time Warner bill, you can watch what you want. Until then, you do what I say. Go play."
She rolled her beautiful brown eyes at me, and stood up. She put her hands on her hips and leaned forward, "You are ruining my life!"
"You are five," I replied, "You don't have a life to ruin yet. Get back to me when you are sixteen. I will ruin it then."
I turned to look at the couch. He was still knocked out. Edward stood up and followed his sister out back. I love my kids, I do. But Bella was a five year old with a sixteen year old attitude and Edward hung on her every word. He loved his big sister. I was hoping at some point he'd grow out of that. I needed someone to rat her out. I was positive that she was going to cause me a lot of trouble. I had already decided when she turned sixteen, she was going on the pill, and I was going to show her how to put on a condom. No glove, no love. She was gonna learn that quick.
I grabbed the pillow from the chair behind me and threw it at him. He opened his eyes and looked up at me.
"What?," he snapped.
Was he for real? I mean did he want to live to see tomorrow? Cause I would find some way to kill him in his sleep. Either that or torture him. That lazy sack of bones didn't do anything. He didn't work. Six months ago he had fallen at work, and hit his head. I admit, I had hoped that it would help him gain a personality, but all it helped him do was find a medical excuse for laziness. Fat bastard. He said it made him forget things, so his doctor said that it wasn't good for him to be working. I wondered why God hadn't done me a favor and let the bastard forget me.
"I need a night off," I said, "Can you please take the kids to your motherd?"
"A night off," he laughed, "You get twelve hours off a few days a week. You should be spending time with the kids."
This mofo had lost his mind. Maybe he did have brain damage.
"Are you kidding me? Twelve hours off? I work my ass off, and all I am asking is for a night off before I have my kids for seven days straight. So, can you accomplish that or do I need to find someone who can?"
He rolled his eyes at me and rolled over to have his back facing me. My eyes widened. This had to be some joke. Had he suddenly grown a vagina and was PMSing? I wanted to strangle him. My mind was playing all the ways I could dispose of him. At the same time I was trying to remember the reasons why I loved and married him. My mind was drawing blanks.
"Alice," he said to me, " You have got to relax a little bit."
I laughed. This man had nerves. I remembered when I met him. I was twenty-two and had just graduated from college. Oh that was so long ago. He had a six pack back then and just one chin.
"Can you please just do this for me," I asked again. He stood up and walked over to me. I about gagged at the scent of stale beer and what I could have sworn was shit. Did he not wipe his ass? The thought made me gag and I thought I was going to throw up.
He reached behind me and smacked my ass.
"You keep it nice and firm just for me, don't you," he laughed as he leaned forward to kiss me. I leaned back.
"Take a shower and brush your teeth first," I said, "You stink."
He reached out and grabbed my breasts. He was fiddling with them like they were bread dough that he was kneading. I stood there, unamused, and wondered if he understood that this wasn't turning me on.
"They are so fucking soft. They used to be perky," he laughed.
I hit his hands away and as I walked off I yelled, "Take a shower and then take the kids out. I just need four hours. I need a break!"
I walked out back to see Bella holding her court. Edward was chasing Rose, our Golden Retriever, around the back yard. This made me smile. A few weeks ago, Rose had stopped eating. No matter what I gave her; dry food, wet food... hell, even the t-bone steak I had give her, she wouldn't eat any of it. Jasper had insisted that she was depressed. I came home one day to a strange man sitting on my front porch staring into Roses eyes. Every once in awhile, she would bark, and he would whisper in her ear. I was confused, but walked right past them into the house. Jasper was watching a football game and drinking beer.
"Can you go pick up the dogs medication? The doctor says that we need to start Rose on it right away," he said holding out the prescription. I saw what the prescription was written for and looked at him like he had gone bat shit crazy. Prozac? The dog needed Prozac?
"Who is the guy on the front porch with Rose," I asked.
"He's the dog whisperer. He comes highly recommended," he responded as he downed another sip of beer. Yes, my dog had been diagnosed with depression and now here she was running around.
"Mom, what do you want now," Bella snapped.
"Little girl, that attitude is going to get your butt beat," I replied. Edward ran up to me and hugged me at my knees. I counted down in my head. Bella was going to break his concentration and he would run from me shortly.
"Edward," she said, "Go chase Rose."
He obediently ran back to chasing Rose. I looked at Bella and I know this makes me a bad mother, but I wanted to kick her ass at that moment. He father had enabled her to be a little bitch. Yes, I wasn't going to win the mother of the year award, because I wanted to beat my daughters ass.
"Bella, you don't get to talk to me like that," I snapped at her, "And if you would like to continue being that way, you will be punished."
"Whatever," she said as she rolled her eyes at me and walked back inside.
I will not hurt my daughter, I will not hurt my daughter, I repeated over and over to myself. I mean, really. Her bitchiness had to be in part my fault, but I tried my best to deflect the blame to their father. He could have done more to make sure that our kids were kind and loving.
"Mama," Edward squealed. I reached down and picked him up and walked inside.
I looked around the house. Everything was a mess. I sighed. I mean, how hard was it to pick up after the kids? He didn't do anything. Lazy son of a... OK, I know I should be nicer to him. I mean, I married him, right?
"Babe," he said walking into the kitchen, "I'm gonna take the kids next door. My mom says that she's busy tonight."
His mother was never busy. The old bitch was crotchety. She didn't like to have anyone around for fear that they might do something to her plastic couch covers. I swear, I had never known someone so pissy in my entire life. I hated her. I said it. I hated my mother in law.
"That still leaves you here," I sighed.
He laughed and took a step closer to me. I almost puked at the smell of stale beer. He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek and then whispered in my ear, "Maybe that means you will get lucky."
Lucky? Lucky would mean a few hours of peace. Lucky did not mean the same thing to the both of us. Lucky to me would be ten minutes with my rabbit on full speed. An orgasm or two would send me into happiness for at least a few weeks. I mean lets be real, the action with my husband... um should I really say Jasper is like? Sleeping with him was like sleeping with a two pump chump. He'd grunt and then wiggle like a fish. The funniest part was that this would cause him to break out into a full on sweat, like he ran a marathon.
Jasper could once rock my world. I remember the days when he would make my toes curl and my knees buckle. I remember the days when he would leave me in a ball, rocking back and forth, thinking that my vagina was going to never stop convulsing. Yet, I had not felt that much pleasure and joy in years, well unless it came from a machine. BOB was my joy. Yup, BOB; my Battery Operated Boyfriend. Once again, don't judge me.
The thing that I didn't understand about my husband was, well he let himself go. I pushed out two big ass kids. Seriously, they were big. Tore me open and it sucked. Worst pain of my life. I didn't appreciate that he didn't look at me and see what I had done. I mean, I had worked hard and got my body back after each of the kids. I worked to keep the house and pay the bills.
OK focus. I have to focus. How was I going to get a few hours? I wanted to cry. It had been a long night at the hospital, and he didn't ever get that. I spent enough time with him. I didn't need this.
He grabbed Edward from my hands and headed towards the door. Bella was right at his tail. Where ever the men in this house went, she followed. She turned and looked at me, put her hands on her hips and stuck her tongue out at me. I took a step forward and she took off running. I would deal with her ass later. I didn't want to deal with it now.
I stopped for a second and looked around. Yes, that was the sweet satisfaction of silence. I loved it. I started to walk down the hall and stripped my clothes off as I walked. By the time I reached my room I was naked and smiling. I went over and stood in front of the mirror. I put my hands on my hips and smiled. I ignored the skin that was hanging down. I had a decent body, but I was a little worried about the excess skin. Maybe one day it would all go away. I'd win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.
I walked over and turned on the radio. Some horrible hip hop song was playing, but I couldn't help but dance to it. There I was naked, my mom boobs shaking in the wind. It hit me, quickly, that this was my chance to go and get my rabbit. I walked over to my nightstand and opened the top drawer. It was like the heavens opened up and the angels started singing.
There it sat. I picked up it up and cleaned it. Yes, even in the heat of lust I wasn't a dirty girl. Smiling, I laid back on my bed. Something was about to give.
"Baby," I heard.
Fuck! He was back. I needed just a good five minutes. I didn't even have those. He was taking that.
SHIT! I am naked. I was going to end up having to go through this and sleep with the fat fuck. Oh what was I thinking? I know, I know. You are all judging me. I get it. I would judge you. He is my husband. But, it was not a joy ride. The man had enough hair on his body to knit a sweater. He had moobs. He had no romance, no heart in him. I looked at the door and as I saw the door knob turn, I quickly tossed my rabbit back in the drawer.
"Babe, I think I have an ingrown hair in my arm pit. Will you pull the shit out," he asked as he walked in. Was he kidding me? He had to be kidding me. He was the one that was talking about getting lucky and he was now talking about popping a boil under his arm. Yup, that was me puking in my mouth.
"Oh, hello," he stuttered as he realized that I was laying there naked.
"Don't worry," I said, "I am getting dressed. We aren't getting lucky."
He walked over to me and leaned over and kissed my stomach. I looked at him and pushed his head away from me. I didn't want him to touch me. All I could think about was the boil under his arm.
"Come on babe, I'll let you be on top."
He started to disrobe, and I didn't know what to say. He wasn't listening. I turned my head to look at him. Gone was his six pack, and I looked at his hairy gut staring back at me. He took a step back and sat on the lounge chair.
"Lets be creative," he sighed. I didn't know what about this was sexy. All I could think with him sitting there was, "What the fuck? I married Captain Couch Potato, evil fat ass extraordinaire."
"Oh ya baby. You are my hero," I tried to choke out enthusiastically. Faking it was becoming my fortay.
"Baby, what if I am not the hero? What if I am the bad guy," he asked in a heavy sigh. He was trying to be seductive, he sounded like sitting in the chair had taken everything out of him. Lazy fuck.
I was going to have to do it. I was going to have to search through the hairy bush and look for the nub that he tried to pass off as a penis. It was more like a tube of toothpaste that had been rolled up and all the toothpaste was sitting on one half. Yup, it was a lumpy, soft rock. And seriously, what was it going to take for him to believe in manscaping? I looked at him and sighed. Close your eyes and ride the minute train, I told myself. It was my duty.
I did it. The next thirty seconds of my life were a big blur. I came to when I saw him flopping around like a fish. I stood up and walked in to the bathroom. It was time for a shower to wash the shame off me.
I was frustrated.
I reached in and turned on the hot water. I gave it a few seconds and stepped in.
"Mutha fudger," I screamed.
It was hot. The water was too effin hot. I adjusted it and before I could even get the soap in my hair, I heard Bella's voice coming into the bathroom.
"Mom," she yelled, "You can't expect me to stay over there. Those people are crazy."
I looked at the wall and wanted to bang my head into it until it bled. I wasn't even getting five minutes. Not even thirty seconds. These people wouldn't leave me alone. I don't recall signing up for this. Was this what having kids was really like? Because no offense to my kids, this was not what I wanted. I loved them, I am not a heartless person, but I needed a break from them. I needed at least a shower by myself. Why couldn't I even have a shower?
"I am in the shower, Bella," I screamed.
"I have eyes," she said in the snottiest tone I had ever heard as she pulled the curtain back, "But it doesn't mean you don't have to pay attention."
Yup, I was raising a spoiled rotten little bitch.
"Ask your father Bella. I am taking a shower," I snapped as I pulled the curtain closed. I went back to putting shampoo in my hair. I laughed as she ran out the door screaming, "I hate you."
I remembered when I hated my mother too. I wanted to tell her that it never got better, that she would grow to hate me more. Wait until she was sixteen. I was kind of excited for all of the things that I would be able to ground her for. I needed to keep a list. I was willing to be that petty and keep a list of all the things that I wanted to throw back at her.
I started to sing "Proud Mary" as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. I heard the door crack again and I am not kidding you when I say that I smelled my husband coming through the door.
"You could just be a little nice to our daughter. I mean do you have to send her into tears all the time," he snapped.
Dick. Yes, that was the first word that came into my head. I threw open the curtain and stared at his fat ass. I wanted to be rude and call him a fat ass, but I counted down quickly in my head to restrain myself from killing him and telling him the reason she was such a little bitch was his fault. But the guilt over what I felt for my daughter killed me, so I shut up quickly.
"I told her to ask you so that I could finish my shower. What would you ask me to do," I replied.
He walked over to me, reached out and put his hands on my hips. I looked into his eyes and saw the man that I fell in love with for just a second.
"Alice, I know that you are tired, and I know that you are cranky. I know that you do so much, and you feel so left alone. But Alice, I love you so much, so whatever you need," he said before he put his lips on the nape of my neck, "whatever you need I am here."
I wanted to fall for a second, and be the young woman that once thought he could do no wrong. I sighed and said, "All I want is a moment, just a moment to finish my shower."
"OK," he replied, "Finish your shower."
He closed the curtain and I finished my shower. It was over a half of an hour before I got out and slid my body into some pajamas.
Now go be nice to your family, I told myself.
I walked down the hall to see Edward sitting in my chair. She smiled at the sight of me. I walked over to him. He reached his hands up and I grabbed him. I felt so relaxed as he whispered in my ear, "Mama."
Bella went to say something to her brother, but I was thankful as Jasper cut her off. I sat down and put my feet up on the table.
"Sleep," Edward asked.
I started to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." He buried his body as close as he could to mine. We both closed our eyes. It wasn't long before I fell asleep with Edwards arms wrapped around me.
"Daddy," I heard Bella whine, "Mama fell asleep and I'm hungry."
It was then that I felt the warmth of a blanket on top of me, and his kiss on my forehead.
"I love you Alice," he whispered.
I smiled and allowed myself to journey into my dreams. Not before hearing the sound of my husband passing gas, though. Ah, Captain Couch Potato he will always be, I thought.