She's never said it. Not once. From the day they met in that elevator, Katniss knew Johanna was different. She knew that Johanna was brash, loud, opinionated, smart, cunning, powerful. In the arena Katniss learned she was loyal; that she could be soft, that she was as broken as the rest of them, just perhaps a little bit better at hiding it.
But she doesn't say I love you.
It doesn't bother Katniss, not in the way people think it would. You'd assume, with all they'd been through, they'd say it every day. Remind each other how much they mean to one another. Just three words that convey a powerful feeling that Katniss knows Johanna feels deep within her. Every time Johanna touches her, she feels the depth of her emotions, because Johanna lays them all to bare. At least with Katniss she does.
But she doesn't say I love you.
Katniss never expected to fall in love with Johanna. Moving in with her in 13 was been a favor for a friend, a friend who had literally put her life on the line for her. It seemed like they would never move beyond allies, but they quickly became friends. Katniss left for the Capitol with Johanna's parting words in her ear, the ones she had said so low Katniss was sure she wouldn't have heard it if her good ear hadn't still been facing the girl: If you die there, I'll kill you.
When she returned to 12, Johanna was there. Food was being made on the stove, a warm fire crackling in the hearth. Johanna didn't respond to any of the litany of questions Katniss hurled at her. She didn't respond to the insults. She didn't respond to Katniss beating on her chest, sobbing at the death of her sister. She simply put two bowls of stew on the table and held Katniss until she fell asleep in her arms on the couch.
They didn't speak for almost two weeks. Katniss went hunting in the woods, alone, as Johanna made herself busy cooking for them and for Peeta and Haymitch in the houses next door. Each night they ate their supper in complete silence, with Johanna's intense brown gaze staring at her over the table. Johanna made no mention of how long she was going to stay, and Katniss never asked her to leave.
At night she'd scream Prim's name and Johanna would slowly creep into her room, kicking Buttercup out of the way as she got into the bed. She wrap her arms around Katniss and say nothing, just hold her tightly until her breathing came back down to normal. She'd fall asleep with the smell of pine that Johanna somehow still possessed and the warmth of her body pressed against her back.
Finally words came back to them both. Johanna would whisper stories of her life in 7 as Katniss came down from a nightmare. She'd talk about how the rebuilding was going in town when Katniss would come back in from hunts. She'd tell her, over and over, that it was not her fault Prim was dead. She'd whisper it in her ear as she went back to sleep like a calming lullaby.
She is always free with her words now. She's less guarded since the destruction of the old regime; perhaps she's realized that the people she loves aren't going to be taken any more. Katniss thinks perhaps Johanna can now open her heart in a way she could not before.
But she doesn't say I love you.
The first time they kissed Katniss could barely see, it was so dark. The power had gone out - rolling blackouts to help save electricity for the rebuilding - and the moon was hidden behind a blanket of clouds. Winter had fallen on Panem, especially hard in District 12. Johanna was angry, typically, that the blackouts affected the Victor's Village.
"We've already been through the damn Games, they should keep us out of this. We've done our share." Katniss was groggy and sleep would not come to her. Johanna's grumbling was not helping. She turned over into her embrace and Johanna looked up at her, surprised. "Sorry, did I wake you? This is just so fucking unfair. It's gonna be freezing in here soon and we can't hmpfff-"
Katniss didn't know where the impulse came from, but it felt right. She pressed her lips against Johanna's mouth to silence her, and silence her she did. Johanna's voice ceased and she kissed her back almost immediately. It made a heat spread in Katniss's body and a hunger roar in her stomach as if she was a starving child again. Johanna's tongue slid against her own, the older girl's breathy moans echoed off her lips, her sturdy fingers threaded through Katniss's hair and pulled her impossibly closer.
They broke apart and Johanna looked uncharacteristically stunned. It made Katniss smile. "We can light a fire," Katniss whispered against the parted lips of Johanna. "Or have you forgotten all your survival skills, spoiled victor?"
Johanna got out of bed and muttered something about 'good kisser thinks she knows everything' and quickly coaxed a fire in the fireplace inside the bedroom. Once it was crackling and at a respectable level of flame, Johanna made her way back into the bed. Katniss scooped her back into her arms and settled on the pillow, heaving a contented sigh. They resumed kissing, too, which certainly helped bring more heat to the room.
Happiness seems like it's a far away place but Johanna makes all distance seem shorter.
She says encouraging things, like how Katniss has finally put some weight back on, and that her scars are healing. "Not that it matters," she says, "the scars mean you stood for something and won." She reminds her that Prim would want her to be happy. That she should be happy. That she deserves happiness wherever she can find it. She didn't speak of the kiss for days.
And she didn't say I love you.
Katniss says it first. That night of kissing turned into more sporadic nights of kissing Johanna Mason and feeling the warm, pulling sensation in her body that was unfamiliar and yet, felt entirely natural. Soon she wanted more, craved more, and Johanna was always more than willing. Her hands found new places, entirely new places to Katniss, and Johanna's lips and tongue found their way there, too. Johanna is impulsive and reactionary in most situations but in the bedroom she is soft. She is slow, she is careful.
The first time she was so gentle Katniss wasn't even sure Johanna was herself. Johanna's tongue was inside her, pushing and drawing out all of Katniss's stress and desire and worry from within. Her one hand clasped with Katniss's, the other holding her around the thigh as she brought Katniss to the highest peaks of desire. It was a few more tries before Katniss found the courage to reciprocate. But when she did, Johanna moaned her name and a string of District 7 profanity that Katniss vaguely remembered her night spent in morphling withdrawal. Katniss crawled back up Johanna's body, plopping next to her and feeling Johanna's warm, sweaty skin stick to her own as she pulled the blankets back up over them. She nuzzled into her neck and felt lighter than air, but heavy with love. She brushed hair, now coming down to Johanna's chin, over from Johanna's eyes. "I love you."
But Johanna doesn't say I love you.
Instead, she is just ...there. Always. She says things like "if you get hurt I'll kill you" or "if you're not back by nightfall I'm gonna get Bread Boy over here." She teases and prods and challenges Katniss. She's there with a kind word or a snarky comeback. She's there with strong arms and incredibly talented fingers and warm lips.
She puts breakfast on the table in the morning and dinner at night. She sharpens her axe on the porch and when she does it, nearly always sharpens Katniss's arrows, too. When Katniss naps she finds Johanna perched in the chair across from her, vigilantly awake. When asked why, Johanna simply responds, "Because the only person who can kill you in your sleep is me."
But she doesn't say I love you.
She leaves little gifts out every once and a while and never mentions them. A small wood carving that looks like Buttercup left on the kitchen table in the morning, a garden in the back filled with rue and primrose. Her mother sent her a sapling from a tree in 4 that they plant in honor of Finnick. If Katniss finds herself falling into melancholy Johanna takes one look and her and can gauge whether she needs to be held or left the hell alone. She's always right.
She is insanely stubborn and wildly passionate. They argue about mundane nonsense like how to properly repaint the walls or what to bring Haymitch for their weekly dinner and Johanna will insist on being right until proven wrong. And when she's proven wrong, she gets petulant like a child, all pouts and blushes and angry muttering. Katniss finds it adorable. Johanna chops wood for hours sometimes, even in the summer, to work off her own problems. She can almost take a shower now and she will let Katniss inside the bath with her.
Katniss was late coming home from hunting one night during a thunderstorm, having gotten disoriented in the woods. Lingering disorientation is a recurring issue for Katniss, but Johanna is always there to be her compass. Johanna met her, soaking wet, shivering, at the edge of the woods. Her body shuddered fiercely but in her eyes was a relief so large Katniss was robbed of breath. Johanna is always willing to sacrifice for Katniss; something she'd clearly never shaken from her promise before the rebellion. She is still protecting the Mockingjay.
But she doesn't say I love you.
Katniss holds Johanna through her nightmares, strokes her hair when she trembles and talks about her past. Katniss makes old recipes she remembers from her mother, writes in her journal and lays Johanna in her lap and lets the older girl tell tales of the other victors Katniss never knew, or doesn't know well enough.
Their love is as bright and evident as a wide summer day and Katniss has said I love you a million times and always means it. And Johanna returns it with a kiss or a "me too" or an "I know."
Katniss originally thought it was just a stubborn Johanna Mason thing. Possibly a quirk of 7. But after months, then years, of loving Johanna and being loved by her, Katniss was at a loss. She asked Haymitch, who was cleaner than usual but still a drunk, what he thought. "Does it matter? She clearly loves you," he said, sipping his water and shaking his head. Katniss likes sober Haymitch. As does Effie, who flit into the kitchen and perched on the arm of the chair he was in.
"I know she does," Katniss insisted. "It's just odd she's never said it."
Haymitch sighed, placing the bottle of water on the coffee table in front of him and looking at Katniss. "Since you asked me, I'm gonna give you my theory. Everyone, and I mean everyone Johanna has ever loved in her life has been killed. Not just left or gone, killed. Her parents, her siblings, her lovers, her friends. Everyone. Now think about that. Think about what that does to a person. Makes you a little gun shy to love anyone anymore, right?" Effie rubbed his back and he managed a smile.
"But that's all over."
Haymitch scoffed. "Does it feel over, Katniss? Remember when I said you never get off this train? You don't. We don't ever really escape the arena. Physically, yeah, but we carry that with us. You don't go a day without thinking of Prim or that little girl from your Games or even Peeta. Johanna doesn't go a day without thinking of all the people she loves that she's lost. She doesn't want you to be one of them."
"I'm not going to leave her. Not ever, she has to know that."
Haymitch smiled and placed his hand on Katniss's knee. "She does. Trust me, she knows. And she loves you. Maybe she'll never say it out loud, like a superstition or something. Johanna doesn't do anything half-ass and she doesn't love just anyone."
And she doesn't say I love you.
Instead she kisses until Katniss can barely stand. She makes sure Katniss has eaten all her soup and had a piece of bread before letting her go out hunting in the day time. She brings home plums, a rarity in 12, and makes a lamb and plum stew that, upon interrogation, she blushingly admits to having called Plutarch to find the recipe of the one they served in the Capitol. She checks on Peeta when Katniss doesn't have the courage. She squeals cutely over pictures of Annie and Finnick's baby, though there is a sadness in her eyes at how much he looks like Finnick.
She tears off Katniss's clothes at random intervals during the day, the week, the month and take her. Her passion never ceases to overwhelm Katniss, but she always reciprocates. Johanna's lips and fingers and skin makes her feel alive. More than that, it makes her feel like she's truly living again. Johanna never apologizes for her behavior or for the bruising hickeys she leaves on Katniss's skin. When she's finished, she whispers against Katniss's neck, "Mine."
She bought Haymitch and Effie earplugs for Christmas after Effie complained one year about Johanna being "too loud." She cleans Katniss's wounds, no matter how small, when she comes back in from a hunt. She'll snark about how Katniss should "watch where she's going" but still place her hand on the small of her back when they go anywhere, keeping her always steady.
She holds her hand when they're in public, rubbing her fingers with her thumb as they chat idly with some of the 12 residents. She brushes hair from Katniss's face and stands in front of her when the sun gets in her eyes. It's a useless endeavor, seeing as how she is a bit shorter, but Katniss is endeared by the effort. She says things like "be safe" and "come back soon" when Katniss leaves the house. The plucky victor also curls against her when Katniss talks on the phone with her mother, stroking her back. But she hasn't gone soft. No, she still calls her brainless and picks on her like Katniss is a child.
Johanna is patient when Katniss has an overwhelming desire to have children. Something she never wanted in her old life, but somehow, as the years wear on, she thinks about. As children begin playing in the meadow and 12 gets on its feet as a thriving district. It's bustling again and something inside Katniss, some biological clock, wants to propagate. This is a world in which a child could be brought.
They lay together on their bed, entwined and sleepy as Johanna strokes her fingers up and down Katniss's spine. "If you want kids, brainless, we'll get kids. As many as you want." Katniss is surprised, but she doesn't let it show. When she's sleep drunk, Johanna is sentimental and less guarded. That's one of Katniss's favorite Johanna's. "I want you to be as happy as possible."
Johanna reads to Katniss when she tries to fall asleep. She teaches Katniss how to use an axe. Katniss teaches Johanna how to use a bow. They spend their days together as much as possible, but they spend some days apart. The spend their nights in each other's arms. Living each day can be a struggle but with Johanna, the load seems immeasurably lighter.
In the fourteen years they've been together Johanna has not said I love you once. But in not one of those fourteen years, not even for a second, a minute, a day, has Katniss ever not felt loved. Johanna doesn't have to say I love you, she lives I love you. And that is worth more than any three words.